I really need help with my violent son. And I'm willing to pay for the help. But how?

[SortYourLifeHelp]

My son is nearly 10, middle child of three boys.

We have had trouble with his behaviour since he was about 3 years old. He has tics, allergies and ADHD (the later diagnosed privately) and they won't medicate the ADHD until older because he can take the standard meds due to his tics.

He had a 2.5 hour outbursts the other night because he went to bed at 8pm, but he wanted to go to bed at 8pm.
In other words, it's over absolutely nothing.
He was calling us fucking cunts. Punching us, throwing metal toys at our heads with all his strength. Saying he was going to smash up our phone, smashes the house up, he's a danger to himself, and the rest of us. The police didn't want to know.
He's run away in the past.

Things we have tried so far

• CAMHS, waiting waiting still waiting
• Private diagnoses of ADHD who recommended the triple P parenting programme, at a glance that didn't seem to be the answer though?
• spoken to the school, who have referred us to child services, for a key worker, still waiting.
• paid for a private therapist that does NVR non-violent restoration. I stopped that after I was paying £75 an hour for her to tell me the way we handle his meltdowns and simmer him down is to walk away. (Tried that!) and do "whatever we felt would work at the time" TRIED THAT. As if we want his violent meltdowns to continue into the night.

-grounding him makes him worse
-any kind of punishment causes hours long of violent meltdowns.

We are desperate.

We have some money left from our house sale, it's not going to last long so I want to pay someone to help us, but who?? How??

We are in Brighton if that makes any difference whatsoever.

Please help us.

Thank you.

I apologise for being dismissive, I was seriously down when I last wrote that.

I've got the BIBIC open on my laptop for me to refer back to.

We have finally made progress. I've had SO many emails back saying the service is closed or they can't help or whatever.

However, we have found a family therapist who has a background in CAMHS and used to be a key worker so whilst it may not make a change to her therapeutic approach, she will at least be understanding about how fucked up and desperate our family is/feels right now.

We have also been accepted by children's services so we have a key worker now.

I've been told by a few people that key workers are hit and miss, some are great and some are shite.
At this point I will take anything.

Thank you for all your support, suggestions and links.
There's been quite a few so I'm still working my way through them, and I've contacted a few as well.

Great to hear.

Self care and respite for you super important too, something I read last night was that we cannot be the best parents we can be when we are exhausted and broken so NOT doing self care is actually - and somewhat ironically - selfish.

Good to hear
And yes self care
Look after yourself and good luck with family therapist OP

Op my 8 year old has adhd, is autistic and has several different tics. He also can be violent and have the worst mouth on him. You absolutely can medicate and actually his medication has slowed the tics down and really helped to level him out with everything else, he's like a different child. When you get to see a professional about medication ask them about intuniv. It's the only adhd med that hasn't made his tics worse than they normally were.

This may be no help at all but maybe consider adding in fish oils or Udos oil in capsules too xx

My son had ADHD, tourettes with movement tics too. He was medicated. He was at his worst between 10-12. After that he calmed down. I was told puberty made his issues worse. I can clear remember sitting in consultants room telling him I just could not cope any more. He gave him mefication. He told me 'I know you will find it hard to believe but once he is through puberty he will calm down'. I did not believe him but it was true. From 12 he started to improve. Hang in there once through puberty I think your son will improve too. Now my son is an adult and so thoughtful and kind. I never imagined he could turn out do well.

This sounds really promising! I really feel for your ds and so hope he gets the support he needs and deserves. You sound such an amazing mum trying so hard to find the right thing for him, having all this during lockdown, and when you feel so defeated right now. Wishing you lots of luck and reading all the posts feeling really positive for your son and your family.

Just remembered I bought a trampoline and got him to jump off his excessive energy every day. He did sleep a bit better than.

[quote Psychobobble]@Sapho47
Well by then he won't be a 9 year old will he? Adhd brains mature, it just takes longer.

Who is more likely to hurt their girlfriend at age 25 - a person who has been misunderstood, shamed, punished repeatedly and never had the core skills he lacks systematically taught, or a person who has been understood, systematically taught the skills he lacked, and treated with empathy and discussion about how to change his maladaptive responding?

But you go right ahead misunderstanding that neurodiverse children need neurodiverse parenting and ignoring the part where I said "this doesn't mean that behaviour is acceptable". After all punishment and harsh "discipline" has worked out really well historically for the high numbers of ADHDers who end up in the criminal justice system.[/quote]
I think your last paragraph disproves your first there doesn't it?

my sister has adhd was diagnosed at 5 years old, she is now 18. The best way we have learnt to handle her outbursts is walk away til shes calmed down then maybe offer food etc because hanger might just be the issue. The damage will happen whether you like it or not, try to not respond or provoke at all and walk away , it's than being physically injured which happened a fair few times to me as a child, broken nose etc.

its better than*

also agree with above you can medicate, and will improve the situation alot

@caringcarer

My son had ADHD, tourettes with movement tics too. He was medicated. He was at his worst between 10-12. After that he calmed down. I was told puberty made his issues worse. I can clear remember sitting in consultants room telling him I just could not cope any more. He gave him mefication. He told me 'I know you will find it hard to believe but once he is through puberty he will calm down'. I did not believe him but it was true. From 12 he started to improve. Hang in there once through puberty I think your son will improve too. Now my son is an adult and so thoughtful and kind. I never imagined he could turn out do well.

This made me cry.

I feel so. Fucking. Relieved to hear this.

But not just that, a few of you on here have said the same thing. It gives me hope.
I copied and pasted this particular post and sent it to DH on WhatsApp. Then I text my son to tell him I loved him.
What medication was he on?

@MadamHattie

Op my 8 year old has adhd, is autistic and has several different tics. He also can be violent and have the worst mouth on him. You absolutely can medicate and actually his medication has slowed the tics down and really helped to level him out with everything else, he's like a different child. When you get to see a professional about medication ask them about intuniv. It's the only adhd med that hasn't made his tics worse than they normally were.

What medication did you guys use?

The constant telling them you love them really works
I know that in real life people are WTF !
Your son threw something at you
He called you a fat cunt (they do like that term don’t they ! )
And then we go in with a glass of water and tell them we love them
Go figure
But it works

It's called intuniv, it's other name Is Guanfacine. My ds is on 2mg every night and I honestly can't describe the difference it has made. It's been a complete game changer for him as he's back to the person he should be the majority of the time. Stimulents just didn't work for him and just made everything worse. I'd say out of a 24hr period we have about an hour where things are a bit iffy but meltdowns are so much easier to deal with and a hell of a lot shorter!

This thread is full of brilliant info. Thankyou all for sharing.

I second Intuniv/Guanfacine too. My ds has ADHD and Tourettes and his consultant said that this was one of the best meds that helps with both and I concur with everything MadameHattie said.

He's been on them for around 2 years before and he is much calmer throughout the day. No ups and downs - much more of an even keel.

I really wish you all the best with your ds.

I agree with other posters about going back to Children's Services to ask for more help. I would start keeping a diary of outbursts as well.

In the meantime, private play therapy (even for older children) can be absolutely wonderful. I'd definitely recommend this. Also, has he been seen by an Occupational Therapist? There may be underlying sensory issues making everything worse for him. X