I really need help with my violent son. And I'm willing to pay for the help. But how?

[SortYourLifeHelp]

My son is nearly 10, middle child of three boys.

We have had trouble with his behaviour since he was about 3 years old. He has tics, allergies and ADHD (the later diagnosed privately) and they won't medicate the ADHD until older because he can take the standard meds due to his tics.

He had a 2.5 hour outbursts the other night because he went to bed at 8pm, but he wanted to go to bed at 8pm.
In other words, it's over absolutely nothing.
He was calling us fucking cunts. Punching us, throwing metal toys at our heads with all his strength. Saying he was going to smash up our phone, smashes the house up, he's a danger to himself, and the rest of us. The police didn't want to know.
He's run away in the past.

Things we have tried so far

• CAMHS, waiting waiting still waiting
• Private diagnoses of ADHD who recommended the triple P parenting programme, at a glance that didn't seem to be the answer though?
• spoken to the school, who have referred us to child services, for a key worker, still waiting.
• paid for a private therapist that does NVR non-violent restoration. I stopped that after I was paying £75 an hour for her to tell me the way we handle his meltdowns and simmer him down is to walk away. (Tried that!) and do "whatever we felt would work at the time" TRIED THAT. As if we want his violent meltdowns to continue into the night.

-grounding him makes him worse
-any kind of punishment causes hours long of violent meltdowns.

We are desperate.

We have some money left from our house sale, it's not going to last long so I want to pay someone to help us, but who?? How??

We are in Brighton if that makes any difference whatsoever.

Please help us.

Could you try wearing him out with exercise? Park, beach, sports team when they re-start, digging the allotment?

@Stonecrop

Could you try wearing him out with exercise? Park, beach, sports team when they re-start, digging the allotment?

He has ADHD. He never stops. He is constantly moving, outside, scooting, skate boarding, running around with friends.

The particular night I was talking about he was playing outside with a friend, doing all kinds.

Being inactive is definitely not an issue, but I can see why that has been suggested.
Screen time etc is huge at the moment with lots of kids but thankfully that's one thing that he doesn't do much of.

OP, I understand. I can't help at the moment though as I am writing this through tears after having to deal with the same situation. I get angry back, I shouldn't but he calls my youngest a "f*ING c*t b**h"

I've narrowed it down to guy [[https://www.clinical-partners.co.uk/clinicians/archie-chimanayi]]

For those in the know/experienced with getting help, does this sound like a good plan?

this guy

Sorry link failure there

I watched a documentary on a boy with ADHD his DM travelled to the States "the boy they call chucky"
There was a big improvement from daily violent attacks reduced to monthly.
It is horrible my DS is 6 highly volatile and violent already.
I don't know the answer.
The percentage of young men on ADHD medication in young offender institutions was in the 90's they've a scary future without proper channelling.

I was at a training session with this group

sites.google.com/pegsupport.com/pegs?fbclid=IwAR0Y49NrMcmiwVD5e13R2fJjm5es6DqvFQnwiXoPFnClsNZTbese9LkeHKQ

They particularly focus on the issue of child to parent abuse which might be helpful to you as they are set up to focus on that issue as well as underlying causes. They are quite new but have already helped a lot of parents

OP, I could have written this, no advice but you are not alone, pm me if you want to chat

The chap you have found doesn't look bad.
The relationship between between the therapist and their client is the most important indicator of therapeutic success.
So why not make contact and see how your ds relates to him? (And to a lesser extent yourself)
Establish what treatment course he would set up and what the arrangements for stopping would be if after a trial period you feel it isn't the right match.

Have you emptied his room of everything that could cause injury? i.e the metal toys and told him why he can no longer have them. So that he’s got his bed and some safer toys then when he kicks off he can be contained in a safe area.

Namechanged because I would be easily identifiable based on other posts and I want to protect my son's privacy.

I've been there too - my son is autistic and has ADHD and was hugely violent to us and his brother.

What has worked is keeping demands low, picking battles, and also lots of support in school. He had full time one to one from year 6 and is now at a specialist autistic school. He's perfectly bright but couldn't cope with the demands of mainstream.

But what I really want to say is that I felt like murdering people when they said he wouldn't be that violent forever but they were right. He's 14 now and is very very rarely aggressive. When he is he absolutely hates himself and I see how low his self esteem was when he was younger. He swears too much but tbh I don't really care about that.

I can't go back and check your OP while writing this but I think you said your son is 10? Ime that is absolutely the worst age - I know lots of families with kids with SN and several had kids who absolutely fell apart/blew up at that point. I think the gap between them and friends becomes bigger, demands are greater, hormones kick in. Who knows. But it does pass.

If you can find a therapist who he trusts that will make a difference, for sure.

for you. I know how awful it is

@Cocopogo

Have you emptied his room of everything that could cause injury? i.e the metal toys and told him why he can no longer have them. So that he’s got his bed and some safer toys then when he kicks off he can be contained in a safe area.

You say it as though he would stay in his room.

When he was throwing metal toys at my head, he was in the living room. Shortly after that he climbed out the window and into the garden.
He fought me in the kitchen and punched his dad in the hall way.

Taking anything out his room would have zero effect.

@adhdnamechange

Namechanged because I would be easily identifiable based on other posts and I want to protect my son's privacy.

I've been there too - my son is autistic and has ADHD and was hugely violent to us and his brother.

What has worked is keeping demands low, picking battles, and also lots of support in school. He had full time one to one from year 6 and is now at a specialist autistic school. He's perfectly bright but couldn't cope with the demands of mainstream.

But what I really want to say is that I felt like murdering people when they said he wouldn't be that violent forever but they were right. He's 14 now and is very very rarely aggressive. When he is he absolutely hates himself and I see how low his self esteem was when he was younger. He swears too much but tbh I don't really care about that.

I can't go back and check your OP while writing this but I think you said your son is 10? Ime that is absolutely the worst age - I know lots of families with kids with SN and several had kids who absolutely fell apart/blew up at that point. I think the gap between them and friends becomes bigger, demands are greater, hormones kick in. Who knows. But it does pass.

If you can find a therapist who he trusts that will make a difference, for sure.

for you. I know how awful it is

You have NO idea how much I needed to read this.

THANK YOU.

My friend (who has a child with ADHD and ODD that was taken into care) would say seek your own, independent help and do not involve Children's Services if at all possible. They have reinvented her child as a child with severe behavioural problems and want to send them to a school with a behavioural unit. One carer in a residential home wanted to remove the child's ADHD label altogether. My friend was looking into her child's diet before she was taken into care. Fortunately she has her child back now after they suffered abuse in care homes for nearly two years.

I would honestly consider the possibility that he is on the autistic spectrum. He might have a demand avoidant profile. Often these children don’t present with typical autistic traits, and they mask incredibly well. But, they become very overwhelmed and anxious (expressed as anger) and are unable to understand or express what is truly upsetting them. They come across as irrationally violent, but really they just can’t cope with the world and the violence is their expression of confusion and frustration.

Ask yourself: when is my son at his most relaxed and calm. Whatever the answer is: do more of it. Reduce demands right down.
Start reading about autism and pda. See what you think. Speak to your GP.
Good luck, sounds really hard

Another vote here for looking at diet. A cousin has adhd and behavior changes were triggered by cherry tomatoes- the have some kind of natural chemical on them and also calpol. Boot own brand was ok.
There is also the website additude

@PumpkinPie2

My friend (who has a child with ADHD and ODD that was taken into care) would say seek your own, independent help and do not involve Children's Services if at all possible. They have reinvented her child as a child with severe behavioural problems and want to send them to a school with a behavioural unit. One carer in a residential home wanted to remove the child's ADHD label altogether. My friend was looking into her child's diet before she was taken into care. Fortunately she has her child back now after they suffered abuse in care homes for nearly two years.

So helpful.

I can't add to the posters who discuss their strategies and experiences above as I am not knowledgeable in parenting in these circs, but I just wanted to ask when you say :
We can't medicate, they won't prescribe it because of his tics. have you had an official second opinion/review by expert? You could push for that perhaps. Apols if this has been done.

Good luck

In addition to the tonnes of good advice on here I'd say have a look at The Explosive Child book, website 'Lives in Balance' and the support group The B Team on Facebook. There are many people with a similar type/scale of issues there and strategies to support including violence. One of the previous posters mentioned 'Kids do well if they can" and this comes from there @Psychobobble guessing you must be familiar with this approach too?

@SortYourLifeHelp I'm glad that was helpful. I think pp who mentioned PDA may well be onto something. An autistic child forced into a normal school routine will be very very stressed. Have you ever noticed any sensory sensitivities? Noise and smells etc? They can be incredibly distressing

I'm afraid I do agree that social services ime have very little understanding of neurodiversity. I was terrified when a social worker assigned to us started saying she needed to understand what was making DS unhappy.

But there are several different medications for ADHD. Are they ALL contraindicated for tics? My DS takes Intuniv at night and the side effects have worn off by the morning. But it keeps working during the day. Might this be an option?

I have dc with adhd and I live like this. They are teenagers now. The adhd has improved a little eg they are not so hyper but the violence has increased.

Medication does help but it is not a permanent solution (eg serious side effects, medication wears off after school etc.)

Hi OP, I have an 8 year old DD with ADHD and she can be violent in the way you describe, especially at bedtime. Melatonin has helped us massively. It's not an ADHD drug, it's a sleep hormone. She's gone from up to 3 or 4 hours of fighting sleep (and us!) and destroying things to about an hour of being reasonably calm.

A paediatrician can prescribe (we saw Dr Leclezio at Starjumpz, which isn't too far from you) and then your GP can prescribe it.

I don't know about the tics though.

I don't know why so few people seem to know about melatonin. A lot of parents in the PDA Facebook group we're on have DC on it.

Melatonin does not have any side effects that we have experienced. I am wary of the other drugs because they suppress appetite and DD already struggles to eat.