I really need help with my violent son. And I'm willing to pay for the help. But how?

[SortYourLifeHelp]

My son is nearly 10, middle child of three boys.

We have had trouble with his behaviour since he was about 3 years old. He has tics, allergies and ADHD (the later diagnosed privately) and they won't medicate the ADHD until older because he can take the standard meds due to his tics.

He had a 2.5 hour outbursts the other night because he went to bed at 8pm, but he wanted to go to bed at 8pm.
In other words, it's over absolutely nothing.
He was calling us fucking cunts. Punching us, throwing metal toys at our heads with all his strength. Saying he was going to smash up our phone, smashes the house up, he's a danger to himself, and the rest of us. The police didn't want to know.
He's run away in the past.

Things we have tried so far

• CAMHS, waiting waiting still waiting
• Private diagnoses of ADHD who recommended the triple P parenting programme, at a glance that didn't seem to be the answer though?
• spoken to the school, who have referred us to child services, for a key worker, still waiting.
• paid for a private therapist that does NVR non-violent restoration. I stopped that after I was paying £75 an hour for her to tell me the way we handle his meltdowns and simmer him down is to walk away. (Tried that!) and do "whatever we felt would work at the time" TRIED THAT. As if we want his violent meltdowns to continue into the night.

-grounding him makes him worse
-any kind of punishment causes hours long of violent meltdowns.

We are desperate.

We have some money left from our house sale, it's not going to last long so I want to pay someone to help us, but who?? How??

We are in Brighton if that makes any difference whatsoever.

Please help us.

Just to add that I have always found the 'walk away' advice supremely unhelpful, as DD will just follow us, kick our shins, spit in our faces. We have had to resort to putting a good door lock on the spare bedroom so that one of us can lock ourselves away while she (and we) calm down. She particularly targets me and sometimes I just want to eat my dinner before it goes cold!

I have found the books The Explosive Child and 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child useful, not because the advice is anything special (although useful and a breath of fresh air compared to all the usual advice telling you to set boundaries etc etc...when DD is in one of her states, she wouldn't notice a boundary if it painted itself pink and flew around singing opera).

But those books both really get how terrible this is for parents and give some practical tips for how to feel better, keep unhelpful family members at bay, help siblings etc.

By the way, you must be epic as we only have one and can't cope.

Sorry I have not managed to read whole thread yet but have you considered he may have PDA? The correct strategies for dealing with PDA turn most parents’ idea of parenting on its head. The book mentioned above The Explosive Child is also excellent.

You can buy melatonin online.

I use it from time to time because I get spells of really bad insomnia. It doesn't seem to have any side effects (well, not for me, at least).

Have you checked all the adhd meds ? I know my friends son has Tourette's and tics and frankly wouldn't function without his adhd meds. They've not made them any worse.

Before we medicated our son I went down the holistic route, so caffeine basically ! It made a difference but nothing compared to the meds.

[quote adhdnamechange]@SortYourLifeHelp I'm glad that was helpful. I think pp who mentioned PDA may well be onto something. An autistic child forced into a normal school routine will be very very stressed. Have you ever noticed any sensory sensitivities? Noise and smells etc? They can be incredibly distressing

I'm afraid I do agree that social services ime have very little understanding of neurodiversity. I was terrified when a social worker assigned to us started saying she needed to understand what was making DS unhappy. [/quote]
It really wasn't helpful.

Suggesting my kid will be taken away from me because we have been referred to Child Services?

How is that even slightly helpful?

Ah OP
Hardest of times
I know you didn’t like the NVR but the YouTube videos were really mind opening for me
Starting with self care , as this is brutal
The best videos are titled
NVR haim Omer
The founder
And some by Y&H adoptervoices
What they share might resonate
You are not the only person experiencing this and it’s not your fault
The compassion they show towards the parents actually made me cry

If a NVR therapist is
Making you feel bad she or he isn’t following it . As the very first precept is no blame and supporting parents

Personally in your situation I’d be chasing to see a child psych and getting medication 💊

I appreciate that is just one opinion but getting MH support is so ducking hard . I’m sure you don’t want to put him into care and medication can calm things down whilst you try get to the bottom of this

In parellel look after yourself

So I’d be
Spending whatever budget you have on a child psychiatrist who can prescribe medication which will ease his suffering and yours

Then explore
Support for you and walk away immediately if they don’t understand and help

@LakieLady

You can buy melatonin online.

I use it from time to time because I get spells of really bad insomnia. It doesn't seem to have any side effects (well, not for me, at least).

Is that suggestion for me?

Why would melatonin work?

He has no trouble sleeping

Re meds
I see you are anti this
For clarity’s sake , are you referring to the ADHD meds or the anti depressants and
Anti anxiety ? As not working

My daughter doesn't have too much trouble sleeping but she can't get to sleep because of the ADHD and then we get the violent meltdowns at bedtime. If you look at the report 'Sleep Seekers', this is very common with ADHD.

I think the PP was suggesting you could just try the melatonin without the rigmarole of getting a paediatrician to prescribe it.

Although I would suggest it would be best to get it prescribed.

I'm so sorry @SortYourLifeHelp, I meant I was glad that my original post on this thread was helpful to you.

I certainly never meant to cause any further distress to you .

My second point was that unfortunately, ime, many professionals, even in NDS (neurodiversity services) in CAMHS don't have a very deep understanding of asc/adhd/tourettes, how they interact and the impact on a child's mental health and that of the family and can start to look for issues with parenting. This goes with bells on for social workers (again, only ime).

And so, in short, I would trust your instincts and be a bit cautious about who you engage with - as you already are.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Re meds I see you are anti this For clarity’s sake , are you referring to the ADHD meds or the anti depressants and Anti anxiety ? As not working

Oh no you have me wrong. We really want meds. We were gutted when they said they wouldn't, we felt like that was our last chance taken from us.

I have looked into a second option but it was quote at £250 for them to look at it, and potentially agree.
That's £250 that I could spend on private therapy.

Op,

When in the UK we see Stephen Westgarth and he’ll even do home visits. He’s excellent at what he does and I’ve no hesitation suggesting that you consider seeing him.

www.childpsychiatryuk.com/contact/

@adhdnamechange

I'm so sorry *@SortYourLifeHelp*, I meant I was glad that my original post on this thread was helpful to you.

I certainly never meant to cause any further distress to you .

My second point was that unfortunately, ime, many professionals, even in NDS (neurodiversity services) in CAMHS don't have a very deep understanding of asc/adhd/tourettes, how they interact and the impact on a child's mental health and that of the family and can start to look for issues with parenting. This goes with bells on for social workers (again, only ime).

Sorry, have I mixed up posters? My apologies, I have!

Your post was really helpful and gave me hope.

I have to disagree with what a previous poster said about social workers.

There are different types of social work teams - those in child protection may have less understanding, but those in the disabled children's team will be much more informed about neurodevelopmental conditions, and will be used to working with families like yours to support them.

I have a disabled children's social worker for my 2 children, she has been without doubt the most helpful person so far. She supported us when the NHS let us down (again!) and school and the LA were being dickheads.

@SortYourLifeHelp
This sounds incredibly tough. I'm sorry you are going through this. Huge apologies if other posters have already made these suggestions or you've already contacted them:
www.brighton-hove.gov.uk/content/children-and-education/front-door-families/about-front-door-families

As a adult with adhd I can tell you now the only thing that will stop his outbursts are medication I'm afraid

You cannot parent out adhd, he cannot control his emotions I'm afraid , and do not listen to anyone who says anything different

Go to your gp and discuss what medication is available, even if it means stopping the one he is on.

I don't believe he can't be medicated.

I think the role of medication is going to depend on the individual dc.
We wouldn't rule out medication for our dc but the therapy has done wonders.
As has an increased parental understanding of what we are dealing with and how to approach it.

At one point we had all the sharp knives hidden as they were being used for threats of self harm. There was running off in the night with no shoes in sub zero temps. It felt horrendous and totally unmanageable.

Now at 12, a year on, it is manageable. No sharp objects are hidden. There are flare up of temper but usually within five minutes he is apologizing for his loss of temper.

We did use melatonin for a while as sleep was an issue. We have considered short term medication for tests. We have talked with the school a fair bit and got some modifications to help at school. I just wanted to highlight that we have made a huge amount of progress without meds.

The main reason we have for not using meds is the the psychologist who assessed ds (who had adhd himself) thought they weren't helpful in most cases and ds absorbed this message.
He really didn't want meds so we said we would try other things first.

@luckynumber

I have to disagree with what a previous poster said about social workers.

There are different types of social work teams - those in child protection may have less understanding, but those in the disabled children's team will be much more informed about neurodevelopmental conditions, and will be used to working with families like yours to support them.

I have a disabled children's social worker for my 2 children, she has been without doubt the most helpful person so far. She supported us when the NHS let us down (again!) and school and the LA were being dickheads.

That was me, and that's really really good to hear.

Have you heard of Therapeutic Parenting? www.naotp.com/

OK, well it's worth a try if other things aren't working. We've tried giving a placebo a couple of times and DD went back to the violent and destructive behaviour immediately. She simply can't overcome the ADHD enough to relax and sleep by herself, no matter how calm we are.

Oh no you have me wrong. We really want meds. We were gutted when they said they wouldn't, we felt like that was our last chance taken from us

Ah I see . Then I’d push harder
Please don’t get me wrong I don’t take medicating kids lightly
And my son responded to therapy and NVR
But my nephew is way better on Prozac, so much happier

I know it’s unpopular to say this here but I’d beg, borrow and steal to see a private child psychiatrist

You have tried a lot of Routes already clearly and they haven't helped

Meds can calm things down whilst you explore other solutions

I wish you strength and light at the end of the tunnel OP