To ask you to snap me out of it? Viscerally envious of pregnant friend after hideous mat leave

[Jelandguilty]

I know I’m selfish and horrible for feeling this way (have NC as don’t want associated with my usual account.

I had an almost 1 year old DS (born March last year) and going back to work in 4 weeks. We live far away from my family and the last year has been awful. DS was a long awaited IVF baby and likely to be my only child. I had so many dreams of my mat leave when finally pregnant- NCT friends, family, groups. Finally it was my turn! Then covid happened and the last year has been PND mixed with joy at watching my son develop and sadness at the lack of support, socialisation etc. We did NCT but we only had a couple of sessions before it went online and although we message we aren’t close as a group.

A very good friend is due in June and TTC during covid- absolutely fair enough. I had been open about the highs and lows but she was ready for a baby and didn’t want to hang about. She messaged last night so excited at how things should be normal by the time the baby is here. I am so happy for her of course, I wouldn’t wish my mat leave on anyone. But the message made my stomach clench and I honestly felt sick with jealously. My brain was screaming ‘She is having a baby on purpose during covid and SHE gets the lovely mat leave! The friends, the groups etc! You’ve sat alone in your house crying most days and will be back in work 4 days a week and never get that!!’

That’s not fair. It’s not her fault I know that, I’ve spoken to DH who’s supportive but just like it’s one of those things, you and DS will benefit on your days off, you can go to baby groups on your day off and on weekends we can go to soft play swimming etc.

I just feel so sad looking at the year that wasn’t. I’ll never do baby sensory or baby massage. I’ll never sit on a friends sofa having tea while the babies kick on the floor together. I know it doesn’t matter, DS doesn’t care but when I think about it I just feel so envious and I want to be able to be a kind supportive friend not a green goblin.

Please talk me out of it, anyone feel the same??

Oh op, it's so hard. I had my second last feb and have spent the year at home with a bit of homeschooling my reception aged daughter thrown in... I feel lucky to have had a lovely first mat leave but I still feel down about the last year and am actually relieved to be back at work and sending the little guy to get some interaction at nursery.
It's human to feel you've missed out. You did deserve all those things. There will be other lovely things to come but don't feel bad about feeling sad.
A lot of my close mummy friends are actually nursery and school mums if that makes you feel better.

No judgment from me, but will just say, I had both my babies years before Covid and neither got the idyllic mat leave memo. DS would only shut up in a sling or asleep on me (both very much wanted £££ IVF babies and I loathed mat leave.) DD hated baby massage. So, you may not have had the experience you envisioned, even without covid. As long as you are not unkind to your friend, YANBU

Completely not being unreasonable OP! I have a 12 mo DD and I’m going back to work in 2 weeks. She had her first settling session at nursery today and it was so hard for both of us. Can’t help but think it would be easier if she’d spent time with more people that just me and DH in the past year. The NCT meet ups etc are definitely not in your head. I had a month and a half of normal mat leave and it’s exactly how it was / should be. I’m so happy things will be opening up again soon but very sad of how my mat leave has gone.

Hello all just wondering if anyone out there ever took Dhea before IVF treatment to help with egg? If so did you stop taking it during treatment or continued? Just trying to see what works best.

Oops sorry I was trying to start a new topic

@hansgrueber

My huisband of 52 years died a couple of days into lockdown, not related to the virus, we could only have a family funeral so I still have to endure meeting friends for the first time, it will be like going through it all over again, the odd one I have seen recently clearly find it awkward, not knowing how to respond. So forgive me if I have little sympathy for your missing out coffee morning, baby activities about which your baby would know nothing, if you have a healthy baby look forward, not back.

The op is in no way implying she is worse off than you or anyone else..hence why she is heads up saying she knows she is being unreasonable but still feels miserable The post was not a competition on who had the worse lock down experience You have had an extremely difficult and upsetting year. No one can diminish that or deny it.

I’m sure there are people on this site that could offer some suggestions or share similar experiences on how to deal with the next few months and enduring those meetings you are so dreading. Please talk to someone about how you are feeling rather than turning your grief into anger at random strangers.

@Zebraaa

Did you even want a baby or just the idealistic maternity leave?

Be grateful you even have a child.

I imagine she certainly did not expect to have PND , not unreasonably and hardly idealistic

Shame on you

@alicewasahorse

I can understand your feelings. For different reasons I felt a bit cheated with my mat leave. You are legally allowed a week parental leave (unpaid) for every year of your childs life. If I was you I'd use it and also reduce your hours as much as you can for the next couple of years and enjoy all the toddler time you can get. That helped me enormously knowing I had leave booked soon or it was only a couple of days working before I got to spend a day together.

This or take a sabbatical at some point in the future.

I agree. I’ve had two kids and this mat leave was like nothing like my first, and I was plagued with PND in both. I honestly don’t think people understand unless they’ve had a lockdown baby. The loneliness of maternity leave is tough enough, never mind nearly a solid year of it ruining any social opportunities you might have had that would keep you sane. The anxiety over covid and keeping your baby safe during pregnancy and beyond. Giving birth and having your partner leave afterwards. Minimal support. Minimal HV appointments. The list goes on.

It’s been really tough. You know it’s not your friends fault so I won’t criticise you for that but YANBU to feel upset.

Feel free to PM if you’d like someone to chat to, by the way. I totally get how you feel.

I feel exactly the same.
When I’m feeling less sorry for myself I’m going to look at some of the ideas that others have left here and try to celebrate the good - but for now I’m just really sad that my mat leave was lockdown start to finish - and even his first birthday will likely be just one week before we can officially meet with people to celebrate his life.
He’s not met his uncles and aunt, one half of his grandparents and none of our friends.
I know he doesn’t care, but I couldn’t wait to share this baby with people when he was tiny, and it couldn’t happen sadly.
It has left me depressed TBH.

@LazJaz

I feel exactly the same. When I’m feeling less sorry for myself I’m going to look at some of the ideas that others have left here and try to celebrate the good - but for now I’m just really sad that my mat leave was lockdown start to finish - and even his first birthday will likely be just one week before we can officially meet with people to celebrate his life. He’s not met his uncles and aunt, one half of his grandparents and none of our friends. I know he doesn’t care, but I couldn’t wait to share this baby with people when he was tiny, and it couldn’t happen sadly. It has left me depressed TBH.

💐really really enjoy each of your celebrations of his new life when we’re finally allowed. Tbh I’d rather meet an interesting 1 year old than a baby ...I’m not really a tiny baby person..but a one year old is sheer joy

Ahh I totally get this, I was heavily pregnant at the start of lockdown and have now returned to work, mainly for my own sanity. I have a friend who actively chose to conceive at the end of March, she intends to go back to work at the end of June and has been telling me how awful her maternity has been... how I haven’t pointed out her choice to conceive in a pandemic is beyond me... I’m really quite impressed with myself.

It’s a rubbish situation all round, and you are not at all bad for being jealous of your friend. I think everyone’s emotions are heightened at the moment.

I think you have rose tinted glasses on. My friends who had babies recently - before Covid, found it tough. NCT but competitive parenting. Isolated because everyone was at work or going to restaurants and bars, while they were stuck in parks, coffee shops or at home.
Your friend will have a baby this summer. You'll have a toddler.
Every morning mentally list all of the good things in your life and ahead of you that day. All your blessings. I think this envy of your friend means your becoming blind to your own good fortune. You have a job to go to. You didn't lose it like so many others. Your baby got lots of attention.

Op I get it IVF is a tough road, all your hopes and dreams plans for the future all in one go.

Like many others mat leave for me wasn't ideal, between my two mat leaves I made one really good friend first time round. And a group who met occasionally the second time round. Debatable if that's concrete enough to continue beyond the children starting school.

However let's think positive.
Your friend will be starting her motherhood soon, so coffee at hers or yours. Many new mums are in the same boat so go along to the toddler groups and find your mum friends they won't have made many friends either.
Depending on the area you live you could even put a message on your local FB page, I'm mum to a 1 yo, would like to meet any other mums of similar age babies for a walk in the park or coffee.

Your past the hard bit look forward.

I've had a hard time homeschooling and working and not seeing friends and family, but this isn't a competition of who has suffered the most. I completely get where you're coming from. Maternity leave should have been the time to focus on your baby and try meeting new people by joining groups.

I had 9 months off with my first and a year with my second and the early groups really helped me. Even if it was a case of my DCs rolling around on a mat ignoring the singing at library rhymetime I still met other tired parents.

We have all lost out, but just because you have a healthy baby and a job to go back to doesn't take away your loss. Best way to get through it is to acknowledge your sadness and your DH is supportive IRL which is the main thing.

@Timeforabiscuit

As someone who has had two children, the sensory baby massage and cups of tea NEVER BLOODY HAPPENED.

I mean I thought they would/should - but they were very much a fiction, I think an amalgamation of pampers ads and sitcoms where real babies are dolls.

I do treasure the memories of doing a quiet feed as dawn was breaking, of going for frosty walks, but though there were moments of joy, overall it was punishingly brutal.

I'm not saying that covid hasn't made a tough situation worse, or you can't grieve for a closing chapter - but you'll be able to take your new toddler to the zoo! To the beach! Have an ice-cream! You truly have some tremendously good times ahead.

This. The perfect maternity leave is a myth. It’s invariably hard, and PND makes it harder. Having places available and not feeling up to going because of PND makes one very guilty. I’ve yet to meet a Mum who’s ML was a walk in the park.

You’re coming to the end of the hard part. Hopefully good times ahead. That’s not to say I don’t feel for you struggling thru CV19.

YANBU OP, and you don't need to snap out of it. It's better if you feel that disappointment and envy in all their unpleasantness rather than stuff the feelings away, only to breed resentment.

Everyone will have stories of loss from this awful pandemic. For some it's literally bereavement. For others it's the loss of opportunities and hopes. It's okay to feel sad about them and talk about them as a way of processing. Obviously you wouldn't grumble to the pregnant friend but you can grumble to other friends.

I was feeling like this since the announcement on Monday! My DD was born middle of August. I had a little normality until November. The past few months have been awful. So so lonely since then though. I actually go back to work on 21st June when everything is supposedly opening! How ironic! My colleague is due end of April, as much as I'm happy for her, I do feel envious of the year off she's going to have compared to my year off. My sister in law is due in a few weeks, again she will be able to go to baby groups etc. it's sad but I've gotten used to feeling alone and figuring things out myself. Yes my partner and mum are supportive but the days have been long being in the house with the baby no where to go and sick of going on the same village walk. Despite the moaning, I do try to look at the positives. My partner has been home tiny bit more than he would normally with work and my mum now works from home so can see her on lunch breaks (she's our bubble). I also feel that if we have another child, we'd absolutely smash it because we've done this on our own first time round.

@Over40MK

Hello all just wondering if anyone out there ever took Dhea before IVF treatment to help with egg? If so did you stop taking it during treatment or continued? Just trying to see what works best.

Not that this is relevant to the thread at all but DO NOT take DHEA except on your clinic's specific advice - in which case they'll tell you when to stop.

Be honest and tell her its a sensitive subject for you as covid robbed you of mat leave, but you wish her a good mat leave. (Worded better somehow?) I personally don't think library rhymetime, and many baby groups will start up again so quickly. It won't be priority for a lot of venues and baby businesses have lost their clientell (kids grown up) so may not want to start up again. They have to book and pay the venue with a huge risk of not getting enough customers to cover their costs. I feel sad for all of you who missed out. Sending hugs.

Yes thanks that’s what I said afterwards I made a mistake and posted the wrong place but can’t find out how to delete it but thanks for your response much appreciated

I'm really glad you posted this OP. One of my friends had a baby at the start of the pandemic and has been on maternity leave since. She is just at the stage of returning to work now. She has said its been hard, not the mat leave she hoped for etc.

I made the appropriate noises but inside I was screaming. I've got 2 little ones (also IVF miracles ) and a super demanding job, as does DH, his much more so. We don't qualify for keyworker childcare and having to WFH with children has been one of the hardest, shittiest experiences of my life.

Whenever my friend complained about her mat leave being a bit shit I wanted to shake her. Reading your post has helped me understand her perspective a lot more, and helped me realise where she's coming from. She's not had to juggle work and children but she has had her own shitty experience that wasn't what she hoped for. So have you.

As for the 'stop complaining, be glad you are still alive and so is your child' posts... Wtf

MN loves a bit of competitive misery

You have to find a way to come to terms with it.

My experience is different but led to the same feelings. My second was born with a rare health condition that wasn’t picked up antenatally. I went from expecting a healthy baby to being told he needed major surgery and may not survive in about one hour. He was transferred to another hospital and I couldn’t follow until the next day.

We spend two months in NICU and then in my mat leave we had a further two operations and other hospital stays. When he wasn’t in hospital I found it hard to relate to friends and family so became a bit of a recluse. He is three now and doing much better, although vulnerable to Covid.

It was nothing like I had expected and I was angry about it for a long time. However you do get to a point where you just have to accept that this is what has happened and there’s nothing you can do to change it. I am jealous when my friends and family members have healthy babies, even in lockdown, but I know that their experiences have nothing to do with mine.

I don’t think your mat leave would of been amazing without covid anyway - mine was fucking hard I had pnd ptsd and severe sleep deprivation. I went to a few baby groups and they were just stressful, all my baby wanted to do was bfeed and cry and getting out the door was horrendous me and the baby would be in tears sometimes. It’s not relaxing when you meet up with people unless you have the perfect baby. And plus getting the energy to go out is really hard when your sleep deprived. I guess some people find it easier than others and I love my baby so much but hated the first year and actually we were in the house a lot anyway.