To ask you to snap me out of it? Viscerally envious of pregnant friend after hideous mat leave

[Jelandguilty]

I know I’m selfish and horrible for feeling this way (have NC as don’t want associated with my usual account.

I had an almost 1 year old DS (born March last year) and going back to work in 4 weeks. We live far away from my family and the last year has been awful. DS was a long awaited IVF baby and likely to be my only child. I had so many dreams of my mat leave when finally pregnant- NCT friends, family, groups. Finally it was my turn! Then covid happened and the last year has been PND mixed with joy at watching my son develop and sadness at the lack of support, socialisation etc. We did NCT but we only had a couple of sessions before it went online and although we message we aren’t close as a group.

A very good friend is due in June and TTC during covid- absolutely fair enough. I had been open about the highs and lows but she was ready for a baby and didn’t want to hang about. She messaged last night so excited at how things should be normal by the time the baby is here. I am so happy for her of course, I wouldn’t wish my mat leave on anyone. But the message made my stomach clench and I honestly felt sick with jealously. My brain was screaming ‘She is having a baby on purpose during covid and SHE gets the lovely mat leave! The friends, the groups etc! You’ve sat alone in your house crying most days and will be back in work 4 days a week and never get that!!’

That’s not fair. It’s not her fault I know that, I’ve spoken to DH who’s supportive but just like it’s one of those things, you and DS will benefit on your days off, you can go to baby groups on your day off and on weekends we can go to soft play swimming etc.

I just feel so sad looking at the year that wasn’t. I’ll never do baby sensory or baby massage. I’ll never sit on a friends sofa having tea while the babies kick on the floor together. I know it doesn’t matter, DS doesn’t care but when I think about it I just feel so envious and I want to be able to be a kind supportive friend not a green goblin.

Please talk me out of it, anyone feel the same??

Firstly you're perfectly within your rights to feel cheated. This was something you'd looked forward to and thanks to Covid it didn't happen

However, while I enjoyed my MAT leave, I actually got more friends and fun at the school gate than at play groups. You've got lots of wonderful stages coming up with your little one, plenty more chances to make friends and have play dates.

I really feel for you OP. Unlike some of the other posters I enjoyed baby groups and would have found my first maternity leave much harder without them, so I do understand your feelings.

But imagine your IVF had been unsuccessful and you were still trying for a baby this time last year? You could have had a year of heartache, with IVF treatments cancelled and your dream of a baby slipping further and further away. At least this way you have your lovely DS. I hope you have a lovely summer together on your days off.

@Literallynoidea

My mat leave was not what I expected as I had a severely disabled baby and spent most of my time at Great Ormond Street.

I would politely suggest you count your blessings.

Ah that MN thing - always be happy because someone has it worse. Not helpful. Why post at all? You do know that some people would consider you lucky literally. At least you had a baby. Some people never do.

Comparison is the thief of joy!

It has been hard, and having a new baby I think would be very isolating. You’re right to feel sad, but don’t wallow there.

I’d just look forward to the toddler groups / days out/ soft play etc stuff that you will have

I don't know if this will help at all, but I'm having my second baby in May, and I honestly wish he had arrived a few months earlier before lockdown, as I know I basically won't leave the house for weeks and weeks if baby one was anything to go by. I found that by the time both of us were ready to leave the house (somehow took hours), she'd inevitably done a poo or whatever so had to start the whole getting-ready process again. Especially when they're tiny, if you're trying to get into a regular pattern of naps, there really isn't much time out of the house before you have to be coming home. I found breastfeeding quite difficult/tiring if I didn't have my vast pile of cushions with me. I feel like everyone is going to be running around having this summer and I am still going to be stuck at home in my own private lockdown!

Old people going into care homes....and not getting visitors

Students starting at university.... and being locked in, no freshers.

Young people starting working life in their flats..... zoom .... not in the offices meeting colleagues with a handshake

And so on..... lots of heart breaking one offs that will never be caught up with. So sad for lots of people.

Pre Covid I had a terrible maternity leave with my first baby, my NCT group didn't click so we only met up a handful of times, I was seriously sleep deprived, probably had PND, and barely attended the classes or baby groups I tried as I felt intimidated, unwelcome and didn't enjoy them. But I still grieve for the idealistic idea of what I had expected would happen based on friends experiences. Until DD started school and a whole new set of possibilities and socialising opened up I still felt upset and frustrated with my situation, so I can appreciate how you might feel given none of this has been in your control.

Like other pp though, once back at work I was able to enjoy and put more effort into socialising with other mums and in to groups as I wanted to make the most of my precious 1 day off in the week. I will be honest that if I had my time again I'd try to work 3 or 3.5 days instead of full time compressed into 4 days. Just my opinion but I found starting from scratch tough, as if I did a group that day I was then unable to schedule a playdate/coffee with other parents I clicked with (nobody ever seems to want to meet at weekends). Is there any way you can temporarily use a day of annual leave pw over the summer to work shorter weeks and give yourself the time and opportunity to throw yourself into groups to try and make those connections you're looking for?

I don't expect my life to be an Instagram-perfect round of fictional events, so I voted YABU.

I’ll never do baby sensory or baby massage.

Nor will I. My kids were born years ago. And their first years had many more problems than not living up to some advertiser's invention of 'the perfect maternity leave'.

You are being really, really unfair and awful to your friend, even if you never express or show any of those emotions to her.

I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse ... but I’m due June and am fully expecting we’ll be carrying on in lockdown . I envy your friend her optimism!!!

You are not unreasonable to feel sad at the year you might have had.

I didn't have a wonderful maternity leave because I didn't do NCT and realised too late that that's how everyone makes friends where I live. I naively thought I'd get chatting to someone at a baby group but everyone already had their friends so I wasn't invited to any meet ups. I remember my health visitor talking wistfully about all the wonderful times at friends' houses with their new babies, a comment which made me feel horribly lonely as I was mostly spending my time trudging around on my own. I imagine for NCT groups who do not bond it is the same sort of disappointment. I still felt like the luckiest person on earth, despite probable PND partly caused by loneliness, but now it seems such a short period in time, and so long ago. There are lots of experiences to be had with your child, and with good friends you have yet to make.

Here to tell you to snap out of it, in a tongue-in-cheek kind of way.

Mat leave can be hard and shit outside of lockdown conditions. It's harder in a pandemic, sure, but the idyllic idea of swanning around having capuccinos doesn't happen for everyone. Plenty of sleep deprivation, PND, anxiety and loss of identity even outside of pandemic conditions.

I have 2 DC, first mat leave I did nice activities but it was still often horrendous because being a first time parent is stressful - baby screams or voms or poos or gets ill etc, or mums are cliquey, or you can't manage household stuff and baby stuff as well, or family keep visiting and being annoying. Second mat leave I was too busy to see anyone, I might have hung out with friends once a week but I spent most of my time doing laundry.

Caring for a baby in a pandemic is extra hard, but it's hard at any time and your friend may not have an easy time of it.

Also just to add, when I had my second I went round a friend's house, but it was 45 minutes drive, I was so tired and the baby screamed like an insane banshee most of the way there. I had been hugely looking forward to the event for weeks as another friend I really liked was going to be there. As soon as we arrived, my baby did a massive leaking shit that went on my friends carpet, and while I was cleaning up, they were chatting and Friend 2 took massive offence at something and stormed off home. This made it all very awkward, so I spent 30 minutes cheering up Friend 1, and then she said she just wanted a bit of time alone, so I packed everything up again, and drove home with the screaming banshee in the back! Babies suck

Comparing yourself to the more fortunate will always bring in a sense of envy and jealousy.

I would have given anything to have a year off with my babies rather than the 5 months only, in the autumn and winter so not able to do much either, because I had no choice but to go back to work.

Everything is relative as I'm sure there would have been mums envious of my situation.

@Muskox I keep thinking that Covid probably would have killed my IVF chances if I hadn’t had DC when I did as due to age I couldn’t wait another few years really. I suspect I would have spent the last year severely depressed due to this.

Re OP we also need to remember how frightening this all must have been at first, it’s probably only the last few months that we’ve ‘accepted’ the situation.

I feel so so sorry for everyone's whose had a baby in lockdown. I read a post that yes the baby won't remember but the parents have missed out on so much. I don't have any advice but I agree it's been a shit year to have on mat leave xx

Oh I really feel for you - I've been worried about this being pregnant with an IVF only child during covid, the idea of a miserable maternity leave seems very cruel and I've really felt for those going through it now.

This thread had been a nice reminder that it won't be wasted in babys eye and that time together is the most important thing. PND is more common in ivf mums as we have so long to long forward to these things and reality isn't always great so don't feel bad for feeling this way.

You're obviously very kind and understanding really, as your responses to the misery top trumps posters show, so you know really we can't blame others for their own experiences.

I'm sorry you feel this way and I can imagine it must be really hard to have a first baby during this pandemic.

I would echo other people's thoughts that you probably have a bit of an idealised view of pre-covid maternity leave. I had a baby pre-covid, a very short mat leave, which was nice because it was a summer baby. However I never enjoyed the baby meet ups and stay and plays because breastfeeding was such a disaster (another thread entirely!). They made me feel quite stressed to be honest. My second baby I had a couple of months before the pandemic. Winter baby so it was really quite miserable. When the weather changed and lockdown appeared I enjoyed my mat leave and also had more time with my baby as a consequence of all the upheaval. I found that the stay and play stuff can be lovely but it (in my case anyway) made me feel a bit anxious and stressed.

I'd also say that mat leaves are very much dependent on the baby too - my first baby was an absolute dream, super long naps, slept well, calm and happy. It would have been great to have a year-long mat leave as I could have done so many side projects! Second baby on the other hand would NOT settle, couldn't even take him out in the pram he'd scream his head off. So while your friend may have a pandemic-free mat-leave, it doesn't mean she'll have a wonderful time if she has an unsettled baby.

My second maternity leave was much better. Not because I went to lots of baby groups, but because my oldest had started school nursery and I made friends, real friends, with other parents there. And my son could take a friend up to his room for a playdate!

The first year is really not the be all and end all. Later stages are more social and better. I wonder how many people this year are grieving for a mat leave that never would have existed in any year because they blamed lockdown and maybe even pushed back going to work in the hopes it would get better.

Yes these were exactly my thoughts too when I spoke to a pregnant friend yesterday morning. I was the one who went through 30 miscarriages, I was the one who was ttc and doing IVF for 10 years, but I had a covid baby so couldn’t do anything I had planned, while this woman went against medical advice to ttc during a health crisis (she has diabetes and high blood pressure and is on meds for both) and got pregnant first cycle and is already booking ‘baby’s first holiday’.

It made me so angry. It felt like I was being punished. But then I had a chance to think about it and actually I think I had it the best. I will get at least 16-18 months with baby before I’ll need to even think of a commute. DH and I both got to bond with baby way more and without distraction because of the Lockdown and it really has brought us all closer. We managed to make a heap on various investments. And if restrictions lift in June DH and I will still be able to spend every weekend this year roaming the UK with baby and use holiday to book trips overseas. And it’ll be properly fun because he’s older. I can’t wait.

@Tierrasfuente that's exactly what happened to me. Do you remember walking past mothers who were out with a friend? God I can just feel the sad, lonely envy even so many years later!

Also - baby sensory is a pile of shit, you can easily do it yourself at home with a couple of scarves, a bubble blower and some old egg boxes. Baby massage you can do using YouTube. I know that's missing the point that you're not getting social interaction, but you don't have to miss out on the activity itself.

Only saying this to give you a bit of perspective not to say you are being ridiculous. I had a baby in July. Not my first. Homeschooling has been a fucking nightmare. But my little baby had been a delight. Has made it all so lovey. And it has been easier because I haven't had to worry about getting dressed properly or doing my hair. Get up, feed the baby, play with the baby bliss. All the other stuff is just commercialisation intending you to spend all your cash. I wouldn't have been funny baby sensory, swimming and singing with this one anyhow. Also, with my first you swap numbers with all and sundry but actually only make a few friendships. Those will come as people with babies your child's age are all in the same boat.

I do really feel for you OP, it's been a really crap time to be on mat leave. And I say that as someone who miscarried a baby who would have been born in lockdown. Some of the replies you are getting are really quite mean - it's not a race to the bottom! Hopefully things will start to look up for you now, I have to say each age my DC get to I think is the best one yet, so you have lots of happy times ahead of you :)

Definitely not unreasonable, my first I did all that stuff and I did enjoy it. My second we got a couple of months and everything went into lock down and I did miss it.

I do think there does need to be an element of trying to seek out the positives from your leave to help with your mental health. Also can I say the toddler bit is pretty awesome they become like your little mate and parks, farms, zoos will be so much fun, yes the last year has been a disappointment but there is so much to look forward too as well.