To ask you to snap me out of it? Viscerally envious of pregnant friend after hideous mat leave

[Jelandguilty]

I know I’m selfish and horrible for feeling this way (have NC as don’t want associated with my usual account.

I had an almost 1 year old DS (born March last year) and going back to work in 4 weeks. We live far away from my family and the last year has been awful. DS was a long awaited IVF baby and likely to be my only child. I had so many dreams of my mat leave when finally pregnant- NCT friends, family, groups. Finally it was my turn! Then covid happened and the last year has been PND mixed with joy at watching my son develop and sadness at the lack of support, socialisation etc. We did NCT but we only had a couple of sessions before it went online and although we message we aren’t close as a group.

A very good friend is due in June and TTC during covid- absolutely fair enough. I had been open about the highs and lows but she was ready for a baby and didn’t want to hang about. She messaged last night so excited at how things should be normal by the time the baby is here. I am so happy for her of course, I wouldn’t wish my mat leave on anyone. But the message made my stomach clench and I honestly felt sick with jealously. My brain was screaming ‘She is having a baby on purpose during covid and SHE gets the lovely mat leave! The friends, the groups etc! You’ve sat alone in your house crying most days and will be back in work 4 days a week and never get that!!’

That’s not fair. It’s not her fault I know that, I’ve spoken to DH who’s supportive but just like it’s one of those things, you and DS will benefit on your days off, you can go to baby groups on your day off and on weekends we can go to soft play swimming etc.

I just feel so sad looking at the year that wasn’t. I’ll never do baby sensory or baby massage. I’ll never sit on a friends sofa having tea while the babies kick on the floor together. I know it doesn’t matter, DS doesn’t care but when I think about it I just feel so envious and I want to be able to be a kind supportive friend not a green goblin.

Please talk me out of it, anyone feel the same??

I feel / felt the same way but about pregnancy and the first year. I was very sick. Everything was so difficult. In most areas of life not just health. I can’t even bring myself to write about it. And yes, shamefully I did (do) still feel like you do when hearing about others experiences.
All I can say is, it gets easier with time. Try and focus on the present and what you can do.
Fwiw - I hated NCT.
And don’t give yourself a bad time for how you feel.

YANBU.

I'm pregnant, due soon and knowingly TTC during Covid. I sympathise with you and can totally see why you'd feel jealous. It would be strange not to be. Your Maternity was very much impacted by something beyond your control. No wonder it feels hard to know others will have a much easier maternity leave.

Let yourself feel it. Jealousy is a normal emotion.

If you need it, a few counselling sessions may help you come to terms with everything x

I get it OP

I had my only child not long before lockdown. I got the first few months of normal mat lave but the rest, just as we'd got the hang of going out etc and the babies could do more, was in lockdown.

I'm gutted. My NCT group was close. We would have been out every day eating cake and at baby groups as we did just that to start with.
The others will get to do it again with future children, I won't.

I have been back at work for a few months now though and feel much less bothered than I did. You'll get there with it.

It matters less every day, this too shall pass!

@WeavingWandering

I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse ... but I’m due June and am fully expecting we’ll be carrying on in lockdown . I envy your friend her optimism!!!

Same. I'm due in April and I'm not expecting a wonderful mat leave either! Its just gone on for so long that I'm fully expecting to be locked down again and unable to take my baby to meet family etc. Let's keep our fingers crossed though!

short on time right now, but -

You need to grieve your hopes and dreams and come to terms with what happened. It was hard and horrible, and you have to admit that and mourn it.

Sometimes the hard times end up teaching us deep lessons.

All the best.

So my first maternity leave was five years ago.

I had a baby who was high needs, screamed constantly, had awful painful reflux amongst a couple of non life threatening but very bothersome medical issues. I too mourned the time that other mums had with their lovely snuggly babies, meeting up doing groups etc. None of that was possible for me, I ended up not leaving my house much except for long pram walks to get my child to stop crying for five bloody minutes. I also couldn't have people round to me because she'd only sleep on me and only eat (drink, and take her medication in her milk) if she was asleep and people being here disturbed that. Her first year was much like lockdown, except for the fact that no one else was locked down, only me. It was miserable.

I didn't actually return to work. And then when I had my second baby, I couldn't do all of the groups, friends meet ups etc because I had a (by then) diagnosed autistic toddler in tow who couldn't cope with them and wasn't allowed to most anyway (as the groups were for babies not disruptive toddlers).

I feel for you because it just be utterly shit having your first baby in lockdown and I don't think you're horrible for feeling resentful about it. I did and it wasn't lockdown! But there are no guarantees anyway. Lots of people don't have the maternity leave they planned for or expect - be that because of finances, PND, babies having health issues or just plain old change in circumstances/wants/needs. So, in the nicest way, I think you just need to accept you have a lovely child who is healthy and happy and although the start might not have been what you wanted you have the rest of your life to do fun things together. You can't get that time back no, but there is lots of time ahead.

Personally I am looking forward to lockdown being over so I can finally take my second child (now 2.5) to some fun groups etc now the eldest is in school. Small things to look forward to. I bet you'll have lots of small things you can look forward to too.

@emmaluggs

Definitely not unreasonable, my first I did all that stuff and I did enjoy it. My second we got a couple of months and everything went into lock down and I did miss it.

I do think there does need to be an element of trying to seek out the positives from your leave to help with your mental health. Also can I say the toddler bit is pretty awesome they become like your little mate and parks, farms, zoos will be so much fun, yes the last year has been a disappointment but there is so much to look forward too as well.

Totally agree with this. The toddler stage is far more enjoyable in my opinion. You have a lot to look forward to!

I understand, I wasn't looking for baby groups, but to visit both my grand mothers, one with dementia other with stage four cancer. The one with dementia is now too far gone to appreciate small baby visits, and cancer one too frail that probably won't survive until we can do in house visits. My other plans were driving to visit friends around the country I can't normally see due to work, again normality starts the day I return to work. I hate it, it's not what I wanted, it finished off a horrendous pregnancy and those close to me have missed out on so much of her. A girl at work is due two months after I return, and as an ivf baby I'm so pleased she won't have to deal with this, but upset all the same

Of course you can do baby massage, and all sorts of lovely things with your son!

The thought of groups with mother's meetings for many people is ''Not bloody likely'' anyway..

Often very competitive, so you are not missing out.
Do you have a friend with a baby the same age so they can socialise?

Neighbour has just had a baby, and she never goes anywhere, either.

Can you not go to playgrounds, parks?

It is winter and still cold, but usually other parents and babies there.

Many could be jealous of YOU, you have a lovely baby, some people don't even have that... Look on the bright side :)

I can sympathise that you feel you have missed out, especially the cups of tea and hanging out with other mums/dads - it definitely eases the newborn/baby difficulties having people to share it with. I don't think walking around a park is quite the same.
On the flipside, you have a new baby and you got to spend lots of time with them without the pressure of having to go to baby sensory, or meet that person for a coffee, and all those other obligations. So its really about the story you tell yourself I think.
And there will be lots of those fun times again, where you will share the childcare and be at someone's house and have a cup of tea and I think for all of us hopefully these things we feel like we missed out on won't be so much of a focus in a few years time.

I know it's been shit, and I am so, so sorry for people who had babies in 2020. But honestly, maternity leave is not the dream you've imagined - it is still isolating and depressing, even when you're going to the baby groups and cafes. You can never relax. NCT groups can be bitchy or distant even when you see each other regularly. I realise now that all those happy looking groups of mums I used to see were actually all on the edge of their seat, waiting for their baby to kick off/shit/need feeding. I was desperate to get back to work.

Hey you are definitely not a dick! Can't help how you feel. We all have feelings like this, about different things. Take care

Yes @Ohnomoreno I can vividly remember walking past groups or couples of mums having an apparently blissful time and feeling like shit!

You have my sympathies OP. When this all first started, I was at home with a 4 month old and I felt robbed of my MAT leave. Devastated. If it helps, I'm over it now but I can't help but feel annoyed by people who are just now having babies and complaining of no baby groups etc because they got pregnant during covid. I didn't know this would ever be a thing but they did and they chose that life.

But we are all bringing up babies in challenging times so try not to feel resentful, but think of the positives which are that at least your IVF worked before covid and wasn't cancelled and that you will hopefully have a nice summer with your little one who will be more aware of it than last summer

💐it’s fine to be angry and grieved

Please don’t loose sight that maternity leave is really there for ensuring your health has fully recovered following growing a child within you and the implications of birth and breast feeding. Recovering from PND is one of those conditions that maternity leave is needed for. When I had my kids it was just 6 months and I was only just getting treatment for PND as I went back. If you have recovered now physically and mentally then your leave has been meaningful and not wasted
It’s also to ensure good paternal bonding with the baby and ( ideally) head start nutritionally with breast feeding. If you’ve bonded well with your little one then that’s the main thing and given them a massive head start.
Maybe take a little while to list the simple things you’ve achieved with respect to your health and the babies development that if you’d had to go back to work at 3 or6 months you’d not achieved to set a more balanced context that it was not wasted or focusing on what you didn’t do.

@Squish3 I'm a couple of weeks ahead of you (baby is 17 weeks today) but completely agree - and actually I found being pregnant with my first baby during 2020 worse than the subsequent loneliness and isolation of newborn life. I coped with a HG pregnancy alone whilst my OH spent 7 weeks bedridden with COVID, didn't see a midwife in person until c24 weeks, attended all my scans alone and my first five hours or so of breech labour were me alone in a windowless room scared witless until my EMCS was scheduled. More than that, I miss the "nice" bits of pregnancy that I'd imagined: meeting up with friends to have bump admired, going shopping with my mum for baby stuff, a last weekend in Paris with my husband as a couple before baby arrived etc etc.

I'm due back at work at the beginning of May and I'm jealous that my husband (who will do months 6-12 shared parental leave) will being looking after the baby when he can go out, meet other people and have family to visit for the first time. That being said, I've found having no pressure to go out and do anything quite liberating and it definitely helped me establish breastfeeding (and deal with bad PND days) without feeling guilty that I'm depriving the baby of some interesting activity!

So in summary @Jelandguilty, I think its absolutely fair enough to mourn the maternity leave you didn't get - you seem very self-aware about what you're feeling and I think recognising your own disappointment will help you move on and support your friend (or at least control the urge to throw your phone at her head for being a bit self-involved :) )

It does seem unfair that some people chose to get pregnant in a pandemic but they will get to have a "normal" maternity leave. I also worry it means people won't understand the full impact the pandemic has had on people who were not expecting it or were not expecting to get pregnant, or didn't have the time to wait.

Also, is there any way you could do 1 half day for another 6 months? Could you afford it? Would your work accommodate it if you explain your experience to them? If it’s an option you could maybe do an every other week of mums and toddler morning, and then other week as a friends meet up...

@NewScone

I don't think you can criticise people for getting pregnant in a pandemic. Were we all just meant to avoid conceiving for a whole year?

Sorry, a half day reduce hours! Say a 33 hour week

Not unreasonable to feel like that at all - I'm sure I'd feel the same. You are mourning what you thought it would be/feel like and that's totally normal. In fact, I'd say that most mums do this regardless of Covid as it's never what you dream it will be!

I echo what PP have mentioned already, maternity leave isn't actually like that in reality anyway - even in non-covid times. I had DC almost 5 years ago and it wasn't all fun socialising and baby groups. In fact, the baby groups (which I did go to, admittedly) were bloody stressful and meant I was constantly on edge about timings for things and making sure DC slept at a particular time so they'd be awake and not grumpy during baby sensory etc. I did go for coffee with NCT friends, but it was never relaxing for any of us and after a few months we just gave up! Even with NCT friends, maternity leave is generally a pretty lonely time for a new Mum with a lot of hours spent at home to kill! The NCT crowd itself can be stress inducing as you're constantly comparing your baby to others' babies (even though we know we shouldn't be) and I think I'd have been happier if I was blissfully unaware that little Johnny was rolling at 2 months, or that Pippa was fully weaned and on 3 meals a day at 6 months when my kid simply spat the food out!

Like your friend, I'm pregnant now and due once restrictions are due to be lifted (if all goes forward on Boris' big plan), but won't be dragging myself to baby groups etc. this time!

[quote MsHedgehog]@NewScone

I don't think you can criticise people for getting pregnant in a pandemic. Were we all just meant to avoid conceiving for a whole year?[/quote]
Absolutely not criticising. Sorry if it came across that way. And not saying they shouldn't have got pregnant just that if they chose to get pregnant then they did so knowing about the pandemic so would have been prepared for it not to be "normal" and so for some reason it does seem a bit unfair that those who weren't prepared had to have the "unnormal" maternity leave. But there is nothing that could be done and I absolutely wouldn't wish an "unnormal" leave on anyone. Not sure I'm explaining it very well tbh..

YANBU because you are being honest about how you feel. But why focus on that one person. She may have a horrible pregnancy or difficult birth, or a child who is ill, or a bitchy NCT group (I heard awful stories). Who knows? The vast majority fo people have had some form of awful time during Covid.

Long term, the first year of a child's life is the one where they are least likely to be affected by lockdown so you are luckier than all the parents trying to hold down WFH jobs while home schooling children at different stages of education who bitterly miss their friends. Look at it this way - your DS will be out of lockdown in time to enjoy nursery and school and won;t have any concept of how tough it was.