To ask you to snap me out of it? Viscerally envious of pregnant friend after hideous mat leave

[Jelandguilty]

I know I’m selfish and horrible for feeling this way (have NC as don’t want associated with my usual account.

I had an almost 1 year old DS (born March last year) and going back to work in 4 weeks. We live far away from my family and the last year has been awful. DS was a long awaited IVF baby and likely to be my only child. I had so many dreams of my mat leave when finally pregnant- NCT friends, family, groups. Finally it was my turn! Then covid happened and the last year has been PND mixed with joy at watching my son develop and sadness at the lack of support, socialisation etc. We did NCT but we only had a couple of sessions before it went online and although we message we aren’t close as a group.

A very good friend is due in June and TTC during covid- absolutely fair enough. I had been open about the highs and lows but she was ready for a baby and didn’t want to hang about. She messaged last night so excited at how things should be normal by the time the baby is here. I am so happy for her of course, I wouldn’t wish my mat leave on anyone. But the message made my stomach clench and I honestly felt sick with jealously. My brain was screaming ‘She is having a baby on purpose during covid and SHE gets the lovely mat leave! The friends, the groups etc! You’ve sat alone in your house crying most days and will be back in work 4 days a week and never get that!!’

That’s not fair. It’s not her fault I know that, I’ve spoken to DH who’s supportive but just like it’s one of those things, you and DS will benefit on your days off, you can go to baby groups on your day off and on weekends we can go to soft play swimming etc.

I just feel so sad looking at the year that wasn’t. I’ll never do baby sensory or baby massage. I’ll never sit on a friends sofa having tea while the babies kick on the floor together. I know it doesn’t matter, DS doesn’t care but when I think about it I just feel so envious and I want to be able to be a kind supportive friend not a green goblin.

Please talk me out of it, anyone feel the same??

@silverbubbles

I came on this thread thinking perhaps you had lost your baby hence the terrible maternity leave/ jealousy.

Get over yourself you sound ridiculous.

Are the arbitrator of the reasons mothers are allowed to suffer from PND? You don't think social isolation might qualify as an acceptable reason?

YANBU

It's stuff you were looking forward to its ok to grieve that it didnt happen and feel a little jealous of others. But such is life, we paint this idyllic picture and imagine rose tinted how new job / house / car / holiday / motherhood will go and it's always a let down when things dont go the way you planned.

I split up with baby's Dad before i found out i was pregnant so its sad for me seeing the other couples at the hospital or when all the advice online is geared towards getting your partner to help doing xyz, i dont have a nursery to decorate as i live in a one bedroom flat, i wont have the money for sensory & massage & lovely groups & things even if they are available when i have my baby. But to be honest i dont care i just want to love my little boy when he arrives and that's all that matters & im just genuinely touched by how generous people have been in donating things to me.

Life isnt perfect just make the best of it, try and see the positives & forgive yourself when you have a down day. Its ok to cry and go "its not fair!". Then dust yourself off, have some chocolate & crack on.

@Zebraaa

Did you even want a baby or just the idealistic maternity leave?

Be grateful you even have a child.

Considering the year that people have just had, it’s the this a bit harsh?

New mums unable to go out, have baby meet family and friends, little support during pregnancy maybe labouring alone?

On mat leave if on a loose end baby and I would meet DH in the city for lunch or a drink after work. Something as simple as that hasn’t been allowed this past year.

Covid has been hard for so many people on so many levels. It’s not difficult to be emphatic with that.

And if the OPs journey is anything like mine, that precious IVF baby would have come with much heartache, grief and expense, that doesn’t mean she should never feel any sadness for anything else in her life.

And not saying they shouldn't have got pregnant just that if they chose to get pregnant then they did so knowing about the pandemic so would have been prepared for it not to be "normal" and so for some reason it does seem a bit unfair that those who weren't prepared had to have the "unnormal" maternity leave.

I don't even know what this means, but what I can tell you is - despite choosing to conceive during a pandemic - nothing, and I mean nothing - could have prepared me for the horribly difficult pregnancy I've had so far (without the pandemic on top), and the isolation from family and friends on top of that. As well as the upset (and changing goal posts) about my partner not being at scans with me etc. Added to which, back when we made the decision to conceive the situation wasn't as bleak as it is now / has been since early Jan. it wasn't complete lockdown - certain things were still operating, albeit with restrictions. I was also still allowed to go to my sister's house last summer when I conceived - all of that changed as the restrictions got tighter, none of which I could have predicted.

I honestly don't understand the need for comparison - being pregnant in a pandemic is hard and being on maternity leave in a pandemic is hard. It's not a competition.

@LouJ85 I agree pregnancy in a pandemic has been crap too! I had an awful pregnancy mainly due to anxiety due to multiple losses and IVF rather than medical issues and DH at the appointments was a lifeline. I really feel for you. I hope for you (and my friend and all mums to be!) for a lovely mat leave.

Covid has been hard for so many people on so many levels. It’s not difficult to be emphatic with that.

Exactly. Even, believe it or not, those of us who chose to conceive despite it.

I made most of my closest friends during the toddler years at toddler groups, baby groups were a blur of exhaustion, feeding and nappy changes.

I hated the NCT group, the only time I went to the library baby sing along, it was horribly competitive and the only woman I liked was a nanny.

My baby's nap schedule coincided with virtually every other baby group so I spent most of my mat leave alone, pushing a pram around the park, listening to audio books.

It really wasn't all that and I was glad to get back to work.

Just to reiterate- I don’t judge my friend or anyone TTC during a pandemic!

[quote Jelandguilty]@LouJ85 I agree pregnancy in a pandemic has been crap too! I had an awful pregnancy mainly due to anxiety due to multiple losses and IVF rather than medical issues and DH at the appointments was a lifeline. I really feel for you. I hope for you (and my friend and all mums to be!) for a lovely mat leave.[/quote]

The whole thing is just shit isn't is - pregnancy or postpartum/ new mum - it's not how any of us would have chosen to do things. DP and I had our timeline in mind for conception way before covid - it was always our plan because time isn't on our side. We weren't going to let Covid take our dream of a baby away from us. But that doesn't mean I went into it thinking "I know exactly how this is going to be and I'll cope brilliantly because I already knew there was a pandemic". We also had no idea when we started TTC how long it would take - as it happened it took just one month, but obviously I didn't know that would happen so it was basically us starting to try at that point. Anyway ... let's hope the situation improves for us all very soon, whether pregnant, new mums or otherwise

@Jelandguilty

Just to reiterate- I don’t judge my friend or anyone TTC during a pandemic!

No, it wasn't your comment I took issue with.

@LouJ85

Covid has been hard for so many people on so many levels. It’s not difficult to be emphatic with that.

Exactly. Even, believe it or not, those of us who chose to conceive despite it.

I didn’t criticise anyone who conceived during pandemic.

I assume not everyone could wait until it was over and quite frankly as someone who paused their life on and off for IVF I’m not sure I would have advised anyone to wait.

@PurpleBiro21

No, it wasn't your comment either I was referring to. I was agreeing with you, and referencing another poster's comment.

@Zebraaa

Did you even want a baby or just the idealistic maternity leave?

Be grateful you even have a child.

Give me strength

I really wasn't trying to say people who are pregnant now haven't got it bad. Just that those who got pregnant and then there was a pandemic had the newness of a pandemic to deal with as well as a pregnancy so it seems unfair, as in boo life sucks this is unfair of the world, that they miss out. Whereas people who got pregnant in a pandemic might be more prepared for things to be weird and so better able to cope.

Not at all saying it is easy for anyone or that they should have TTC. Sorry if I offended at all.

@NewScone I sort of know what you’re getting at as that’s partly why I was so jealous of my friend. You know that you’re unreasonable in thinking that but you can’t help it!

What you're feeling is totally normal and understandable.

It has been tough and not fair. Yes some others have had it worse but This is your reality and this is how Covid has impacted you.

I imagine you've had years of disappointment, loss and heartache TTC. Fertility treatment and infertility issues are horrendous.

It's ok to feel the way you do because you recognise the feelings for what they are and you're not blaming your friend her comment was just a trigger for the thoughts.

Be kind to yourself.

OP Is there no way you can extend your Maternity Leave so you can enjoy a bit more time with baby once things start to open up before you have to go back?

@SCH20 my wee guy is 16 weeks today so only a week between them 😊 Yeah i found pregnancy really lonely too! I was furloughed and my DH works offshore so was away for most of my pregnancy and I have no local support so I spent almost all of it alone either in the house or garden bar the few weeks I was allowed back at work in the summer 😓
Same issues with the midwife too...my first face to face was 26 weeks then didn’t see anyone else until 35 weeks 😡
I don’t envy your breech labour and EMCS! I hope you’ve recovered well! I was induced due to baby measuring big. 39 hour induction and DH was only allowed there for the last 12 hours. Spent the rest in a room alone too. Personally I found it worse after delivery...DH was sent home after an hour, I was taken to the ward with my baby and just left in a room alone 😔 my pelvis had split 2 days before my induction so I could only walk with crutches and was just left to look after my baby alone. No meals as I couldn’t walk to the end of the corridor to collect them 🙄 and no support with breastfeeding. I literally sat perched on the end side of the bed for 10 hours as I couldn’t get into or out of bed without help. I eventually called DH after 10 hours to come and get me and I demanded to see the midwife in charge of the ward and just made them discharge us since we had no need to be there!
I’ve found the whole of pregnancy and early motherhood to be pretty isolating if I’m honest!

Whereas people who got pregnant in a pandemic might be more prepared for things to be weird and so better able to cope.

I can tell you with certainty from the group of pregnant mums I speak to regularly that this hasn't been the case for any one of us. When we got pregnant, the situation was known, yes, but it was different to how it is now. Awareness of a pandemic doesn't mean we had the knowledge and awareness of how every step of the journey would pan out. The changing goal posts for one thing have been exhausting:-

• you can have your partner at your scan, no you can't, you can have them... no sorry we've changed it again, you can't.
• you can stay with your family over Christmas who haven't yet seen you this entire pregnancy (some of which I spent hospitalised)... actually now you can't see them. etc etc

I wasn't prepared for how it would all change back and forth and how isolating it would feel - on top of pregnancy hormones and being physically unwell it's not a great combination. And I don't think my awareness back in August of the weirdness of it could have prepared for me any of what followed, either.

Like I say, whether pregnant or a new mum, it's been a bloody tough ride, and I just don't think there's anything to be gained from comparison of "who has it worse".

Anyway don't wish to derail any further so will leave it there.

Same issues with the midwife too...my first face to face was 26 weeks then didn’t see anyone else until 35 weeks

Some of the pregnant ladies I know have had similar experiences- very hit and miss antenatal appointments! I've been lucky so far with my midwife and hospital appointments but it really does seem to be a postcode lottery as to who has had the better maternity care throughout all of this. I know of one lady who was refused an assessment on the maternity ward for reduced movements, because she'd been in contact with someone with Covid symptoms

@Squish3 That sounds horrific! You poor thing - at least my EMCS meant I spent the first 18 hours of motherhood cushioned by the finest morphine the NHS could provide! I can’t believe they left you without food and assistance.

The split pelvis also sounds terrible - all the things they don’t tell you about pregnancy! Sometimes I do wonder how the world is overpopulated!

You have a very idealised view of Maternity leave

Even if covid hadn't happened

• No guarantee NCT "friends" would have stuck around

• Baby massage and sensory - honestly a lot of those groups are crap, cliquey and in some areas difficult to get a spot in

• Tea with friends whilst the babies play.....well that would assume you all had kids of a similar age???

I had a totally dreadful mat leave last time for similar reasons to many on this thread. I was ten times happier once back at work and with a more interactive toddler.

DC 2 is due this spring and I was just feeling mournful about the exact opposite scenario from you @Jelandguilty. I was thinking that if only I’d had baby a year earlier I could have got the awfulness of mat leave out the way during lockdown...so that right now I’d be perfectly placed to really enjoy the unlocking with a small toddler who can actually go to groups, some adult company at work, etc - that sounds wonderful to me!! Whereas instead I’ll have to ‘waste’ the return to normality on sleep deprivation, aching boredom, crap mental health and a sense of being lost in the world.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel like you do. And I’m not saying one of us is right and the other wrong. Just that this thread is a good reminder to me that we all tend to feel the grass is greener!

I think a lot of women who tried to conceive for a long time (with or without IVF but I imagine even more so with fertility treatment) idealise that life with a young baby (maternity leave etc) and build it up into something wonderful (and fairly unrealistic - not least because with social media and 'yummy mummies' posting about how wonderful it is and look at thne fun they are having - and not posting about the shit parts of it (these people do the same with normal life too)

Then when things don't go as imagined they are more suspectible to postnatal depression (often highly educated professional women do when going on maternity as well - maybe a sense of identity loss/change - I don't know if the OP falls into this cateogory as well) throw a pandemic and even more social isolation than 'normal' into the mix it's not surprising that your emotional health is going to take a massive hit

Jealousy is normal and ok - saying so to your friend is not