To ask you to snap me out of it? Viscerally envious of pregnant friend after hideous mat leave

[Jelandguilty]

I know I’m selfish and horrible for feeling this way (have NC as don’t want associated with my usual account.

I had an almost 1 year old DS (born March last year) and going back to work in 4 weeks. We live far away from my family and the last year has been awful. DS was a long awaited IVF baby and likely to be my only child. I had so many dreams of my mat leave when finally pregnant- NCT friends, family, groups. Finally it was my turn! Then covid happened and the last year has been PND mixed with joy at watching my son develop and sadness at the lack of support, socialisation etc. We did NCT but we only had a couple of sessions before it went online and although we message we aren’t close as a group.

A very good friend is due in June and TTC during covid- absolutely fair enough. I had been open about the highs and lows but she was ready for a baby and didn’t want to hang about. She messaged last night so excited at how things should be normal by the time the baby is here. I am so happy for her of course, I wouldn’t wish my mat leave on anyone. But the message made my stomach clench and I honestly felt sick with jealously. My brain was screaming ‘She is having a baby on purpose during covid and SHE gets the lovely mat leave! The friends, the groups etc! You’ve sat alone in your house crying most days and will be back in work 4 days a week and never get that!!’

That’s not fair. It’s not her fault I know that, I’ve spoken to DH who’s supportive but just like it’s one of those things, you and DS will benefit on your days off, you can go to baby groups on your day off and on weekends we can go to soft play swimming etc.

I just feel so sad looking at the year that wasn’t. I’ll never do baby sensory or baby massage. I’ll never sit on a friends sofa having tea while the babies kick on the floor together. I know it doesn’t matter, DS doesn’t care but when I think about it I just feel so envious and I want to be able to be a kind supportive friend not a green goblin.

Please talk me out of it, anyone feel the same??

@Zebraaa

Did you even want a baby or just the idealistic maternity leave?

Be grateful you even have a child.

Do you ever have anything nice to say to people?

As you went through IVF I think it's that much more special to you to have that maternity leave and share your baby with family in a way that people that concieved easily will never understand.

That said. You got your baby so try and focus on that.

I agree with others that your idealised maternity leave would not have materialised, irrespective of covid. Parenting is all about celebrating the hand you're dealt. There will always be someone or something to be jealous of otherwise.

I do sympathise as I’ve had a similar time of it, but I do think that maybe you had too fixed an idea of what it’d be like. There are a lot of reasons why those things might not have panned out like that.

I totally sympathise OP, I DID have the idyllic mat leave with DS, he loved baby groups, I made a set of lovely friends, had a great social life etc etc - so when DD was born just before the pandemic I knew exactly what I was missing out on. It's been a shit time, especially for first time mums lacking that all-important support.
What has really helped me is (as other PP have said) making a photobook of all the things we HAVE managed to do. When she looks back at this in the future she'll probably barely be aware that she missed out on anything.

Ah, the toxic competitive misery posts. Pathetic. I don’t know what it is about discussion of the pandemic and maternity leave that seems to serve as a dinner bell for utter dickheads.

I had a baby the summer before the pandemic. It was fucking rough, especially the first few months. Haematoma and missed third degree tear at the birth (so had to be cut open and re-stitched). Breastfeeding trouble, recurrent mastitis. Needed follow-up vaginal surgery at 4 months PP.

It was all horrendous. But I had family support; the midwives and health visitors came to see me every 48 hours in the first few weeks (and I used to count down the hours to their visits, I was so anxious); I went to breastfeeding groups and weigh-in clinics every week (again, counting down the days to each one); I had friends over to help me; I went to baby groups when I was well enough. Those were the things that kept me from falling apart, frankly.

But many ‘pandemic’ new mothers haven’t had a lot of those support mechanisms. I honestly don’t know how I would have coped and so I take my hat off to every one of them. And those people who say ‘the idyllic maternity leave is just a fantasy’ - maybe so, but new mums in the last year have been deprived of very, very basic support.

I’m not getting competitive and I’m not pathetic. Merely saying that having babies is quite unpredictable and having a very fixed idea of how things will be can be setting yourself up for disappointment. If someone said “having a teenager completely ruined my year as I was sure we’d be best friends and it would all run smoothly!” then I feel they’d be laughed at. Maternity leave still involves parenthood and no one seems to expect it to be predictable at any other stage of a child’s life, so why should the first year be?

You'll find a lot of toxic positivity on here in response to your post. Ignore it. Feel what you feel and your feelings are valid.

I had mine summer before covid so I had a good chunk of 'good quality' mat leave. I still found last March onwards to be horrifically hard on my own. You know youve missed out, just because someone on Mumsnet thinks baby classes are shit and tea with friends is the boring, you've still missed out on some of those things.

I'm sorry it's been shit and you can feel all the feelings associated with it being totally crap.

Oh God, ignore Zebraa (as always).

Maybe you wouldnt have found maternity leave as lovely as you thought without COVID but no one can say COVID hasn't made it harder and more isolating and whilst you may not have found baby groups all they're cracked up to be (I certainly didnt) it is a real shame you didnt get to try them first hand and decide - they must work for some new mums. Anyway, YANBU to wish things had been different. Will you back at work full time? If not, there will hopefully be toddler groups starting up soon.

I don’t know why it’s classed as “toxic positivity” when someone asks you to snap them out of it? I’d say you are specifically asking for a plain-speaking way of pointing out you’re being a bit unreasonable.