To ask you to snap me out of it? Viscerally envious of pregnant friend after hideous mat leave

[Jelandguilty]

I know I’m selfish and horrible for feeling this way (have NC as don’t want associated with my usual account.

I had an almost 1 year old DS (born March last year) and going back to work in 4 weeks. We live far away from my family and the last year has been awful. DS was a long awaited IVF baby and likely to be my only child. I had so many dreams of my mat leave when finally pregnant- NCT friends, family, groups. Finally it was my turn! Then covid happened and the last year has been PND mixed with joy at watching my son develop and sadness at the lack of support, socialisation etc. We did NCT but we only had a couple of sessions before it went online and although we message we aren’t close as a group.

A very good friend is due in June and TTC during covid- absolutely fair enough. I had been open about the highs and lows but she was ready for a baby and didn’t want to hang about. She messaged last night so excited at how things should be normal by the time the baby is here. I am so happy for her of course, I wouldn’t wish my mat leave on anyone. But the message made my stomach clench and I honestly felt sick with jealously. My brain was screaming ‘She is having a baby on purpose during covid and SHE gets the lovely mat leave! The friends, the groups etc! You’ve sat alone in your house crying most days and will be back in work 4 days a week and never get that!!’

That’s not fair. It’s not her fault I know that, I’ve spoken to DH who’s supportive but just like it’s one of those things, you and DS will benefit on your days off, you can go to baby groups on your day off and on weekends we can go to soft play swimming etc.

I just feel so sad looking at the year that wasn’t. I’ll never do baby sensory or baby massage. I’ll never sit on a friends sofa having tea while the babies kick on the floor together. I know it doesn’t matter, DS doesn’t care but when I think about it I just feel so envious and I want to be able to be a kind supportive friend not a green goblin.

Please talk me out of it, anyone feel the same??

I came on this thread thinking perhaps you had lost your baby hence the terrible maternity leave/ jealousy.

Get over yourself you sound ridiculous.

OP I hear you. This year has been a total shitshow. We've all missed out on time that we will never get back and the first year of your baby's life is a particularly special time. No, it might not have been as lovely as you imagined but the baby groups etc can feel like a bit of a right of passage can't they (same with weddings, pregnancy etc), especially when you've been on the outside looking in for so long. Not being able to experience those things - for better or worse - must feel like a kick in the teeth after the IVF journey. I think your friend is being insensitive and should know better. I can only hope it is because she doesn't yet understand the loneliness that can come with looking after a baby. Maybe she will have a greater appreciation this time next year.

A friend who works with new mothers told me that PND can be more common after IVF pregnancies. Apparently this is thought to be because during the IVF process the focus is on achieving and carrying the pregnancy and there is little focus on the reality of life with a baby - which as we all know, is far from perfect. And that is because when someone suffered losses or struggles to conceive, they don't dare to imagine life with their baby in case it never materialises. So, when the sleep deprivation and the loneliness and the bordem of new motherhood hit (which it does for most new mums at some point!), IVF parents start to wonder why they fought so hard for something so difficult! Yet everyone else assumes they must be so happy with their special prize! (I have had some experience with infertility and can relate myself).

Anyway, YANBU. At all. This year is one we all need to write off and come to terms with in our own way, whether through counselling, or through other ways. No, we can't get it back and yes, it's so, so sad and more so for some than others, you have every right to grieve. I'm sure there are many, many mothers in your position and hopefully you can start to meet some of them over the summer (maybe look online?) and start to have a fantastic summer with your gorgeous toddler.

@silverbubbles so if a friend or relative came to you and said they’d had depression for a year for whatever reason and were struggling your response would be ‘get over yourself’? Glad I don’t know you.

15:44silverbubbles

I came on this thread thinking perhaps you had lost your baby hence the terrible maternity leave/ jealousy.

Get over yourself you sound ridiculous

It's not a race to the bottom, yes, some people have lost babies, that grief is comparable to no other. But the first year of motherhood is HARD, even more so in a pandemic and people are entitled to come here to moan and look for support without being kicked when they're down.

I’ll never do baby sensory or baby massage.

My dd screamed all the way through baby massage, then peed everywhere. Each time. It was a nightmare. The very opposite of relaxed.

OP, I can understand how you feel, but you can't do anyting about it. You have loads of fun times with your almost toddler now, and perhaps you had a romanticised view of how life with a baby would be?

I was stressed for most of the time - what if dd cried and I couldn't stop her crying?

Enjoy the easing of lockdown and socialising with your dc.

There's nothing wrong with being jealous. You've had what should be a very unique and special time, and it's been spoilt.

But everyone has had something spoilt or ruined by this pandemic. I took a year off work last September. The last six months of it were a complete washout, we were meant to go travelling as a family over the summer, major building plans were scuppered etc.

I've got friends who've lost parents due to COVID, and was reading in the paper today about a woman who's cancer diagnosis was delayed by 7 months due to overwhelmed hospitals.

There's Grandparents who haven't met their grandkids, kids who haven't seen their friends in months. Hell, kids who haven't eaten properly in months because they're not in school.

And then theres people who've probably missed out on a few nights in the pub and life has otherwise pretty much gone on as normal.

I'm not saying this to try and guilt you, but to try and help you realise that you're not alone. Every single person in this country has, to a greater or lesser extent missed out on something important to them over the past year, and they're probably jealous at someone else about it.

In the scheme of things, you've not had the year you want, and PND is a shit thing to have even in the best of situations, but at the end of the day you've still got a net win, because you've had your child.

So be jealous, its a normal human emotion, but try not to let it affect your friendship, because if you do then the thing your friend will lose from COVID is you.

@fdgdfgdfgdfg completely agree with you and many many many (even on this thread) have had it far worse. I needed a dose of reality and to end my pity party. Absolutely I won’t let it affect my friendship it’s hardly her fault!

@Jelandguilty it sounds like a case of ‘happy for you, sad for me’? I had this a lot in my infertile years.

For what it’s worth I did the lot but I don’t think my DC got anything out of sensory, massage, lunches and whatnot, DC was extremely chilled and I was fully aware that being dragged across the city was for my benefit and DC was coming along (happily) for the ride.

My neighbour had a baby as lock down started. I bumped into her last week, I foolishly admired her prestige pram, she pointed out that my (VGC but worn) pram was because I actually got to use it and she’s selling hers because they need the money after partner made redundant 😢

Sorry - what I mean is your baby hasn’t missed out.

As others have said, you have the fun part to come. For me I cannot wait to take toddler to the zoo as they were tiny and oblivious for the previous trips.

Oh and soft play because again they were too small to fully enjoy when we went (for us, not baby).

Ah it sucks OP and I'm sorry. You are allowed your grief and your jealousy, and feel free to vent here. It does suck. I feel for the people having long awaited weddings, or babies over this past year.

I will also say I had a non-pandemic year off with my DD and I did almost none of these things. I was just frazzled with a sleepless baby, and PND, and not that much support - and barely managed to go out once a week for a walk.

And also, it is better for you overall that your baby was born during the pandemic than having a slightly older baby where you'd be worrying a lot about their social interaction etc during the pandemic (I still don't think it makes a BIG difference, and think kids are fine with 1-2 loving adults providing them social interaction too). Now your baby will be at an age to actually enjoy swimming lessons, soft play etc just as things are starting to open up.

@PurpleBiro21 ah so sad isn’t it. 100% happy for you sad for me.

Glad you've had the reality check you needed op. Im another who didn't have a great maternity leave and this is pre-covid. It's just how life goes.

We weren't able to see family often for the first year so it felt a little like each time was the first and there would never be a bond but that isn't the case at all. The bond dc have with all their extended family is great because we've encouraged and nurtured it despite the sporadic visits. They know family is important and their family means a lot to them.

Op I could have written your post myself.
I have no advice as I've been sad for what we've missed out on and horribly jealous of my pregnant friends who have spent their whole pregnancy on full pay furlough only to be about to give birth as the world opens up again. It feels bitterly bitterly unfair (and I don't care how entitled that sounds)

Covid has been hell for everyone in different ways and you are allowed to feel the way you do.
I'm sorry I have no advice - I hope for us it will get better soon and we will look back on this time as proud of how we managed alone, and be stronger for it.

Sending you love

@Jelandguilty I’d feel exactly the same if I’d received that message.

My baby was born the week before lockdown one and it has been a very hard year.

I hadn’t been particular interested in going to baby groups or going for lots of coffees with friends I’m quite anti social generally, I managed to get into a couple during summer and my baby loved them.

I’m upset about all the the missed opportunities to experience things with my baby as well as the fact that I have few shared memories of his first year as no one has really seen him.

I also had a traumatic birth, this mixed with lockdown/lack of support has meant I’m now being treated for PTSD symptoms.

I think a lot of lockdown mums will feel similar it’s been a difficult, lonely time and yes it is has been amazing to have the extra bonding time however it doesn’t erase the negatives.

Yes @WaitingForNormality I had a similar experience to you and would agree with your thoughts!

That should read ‘pristine’ not ‘prestige’ pram. Looks like I’m being bitchy, I’m not, I also have a fancy pants pram.

Yes the experiences. Ive noticed that I don’t have anywhere near as many photos for year 2 as I did year 1 (pre Covid).

Could be age, toddlers don’t sit still but it’s mainly because, well we are in. And I look like shite because there’s no reason to get properly dressed.

horribly jealous of my pregnant friends who have spent their whole pregnancy on full pay furlough only to be about to give birth as the world opens up again

I've been pregnant since August (due in April). I wasn't furloughed - I've worked throughout for the NHS (when I wasn't hospitalised with sickness that is). But honestly - my pregnancy journey throughout lockdown (and this is the same as the other pregnant mums I talk to) hasn't been a bed of roses either. We all pictured baby showers, time with family and friends, our partners holding our hands at scans, etc... instead it's been quite isolating with a lot of uncertainty. So just to say that while it's a bit of a relief that the world seems to be finally opening in time for the birth, the pregnancy journey hasn't been the most fun either.

@Cindersrellie@ScarfaceCwaw, oh this so reflects my maternity leave. I wish I seen these comments 8 years ago. Stick in a bit of PND and it sadly put me off trying for a second baby.

Did you even want a baby or just the idealistic maternity leave?

Be grateful you even have a child.

If it helps at all - baby massage, rhythm time, baby swimming and all the rest of it is not all is cracked up to be. Really it isn't.

@Zebraaa

Did you even want a baby or just the idealistic maternity leave?

Be grateful you even have a child.

My baby was born last April and I’m also going back to work in 4 weeks. He was a donor baby and I’d also been planning to have the best year ever as it will be the only time I get a year off work and I had a hard time before having him. I am so sad we’ll never get to experience all the things I planned and I’m gutted for my baby that he’s not been able to play with other babies or see friends and family. I do feel a huge loss and quite angry about it in general. I have no advice but I definitely sympathise.

I think some of the responses have been harsh. No flaming from me. Having a baby is a world spinning experience, it can be lonely, isolating, worrying and confidence destroying time even for those of us who were able to get out, make friends and do all the things you dreamed of. I wouldn't wish a pandemic maternity leave on anyone.

Do you have the option to go back to work on reduced / compressed hours?

Some of my favourite groups were those I did on my day off when I was back at work; baby swim class, sign and rhyme, library story time, local play group. I'm not sure if childrens centres still exist but I did some fun courses with them as ds was old enough to go in the creche while I did face painting classes etc...

Sadly you can't change the past year but you might be able to find something going forward.

Could you take extended parental leave some time, maybe summer 2022 when things will hopefully be back to normal, and have a different but equally special experience with you child before he starts school? Everyone is entitled to take a certain amount before their child turns 18.

I had a baby in June so had a few weeks in the summer but it wasn't what I imagined. I had to go back to work in January too.
I'm not really in to groups but would have liked to take him swimming and to meet up with friends and family. So if I had a friend who was pregnant I'd feel the same as you.
I did do groups with my older children and they were full of cliques and as I wasn't one of them I'd just sit on my own.
YANBU to feel the way you do but at least you had the time to bond with your baby without interpretations. You will have three days to enjoy with your baby just as they start to really enjoy things. That's what I'm trying to focus on.