To ask you to snap me out of it? Viscerally envious of pregnant friend after hideous mat leave

[Jelandguilty]

I know I’m selfish and horrible for feeling this way (have NC as don’t want associated with my usual account.

I had an almost 1 year old DS (born March last year) and going back to work in 4 weeks. We live far away from my family and the last year has been awful. DS was a long awaited IVF baby and likely to be my only child. I had so many dreams of my mat leave when finally pregnant- NCT friends, family, groups. Finally it was my turn! Then covid happened and the last year has been PND mixed with joy at watching my son develop and sadness at the lack of support, socialisation etc. We did NCT but we only had a couple of sessions before it went online and although we message we aren’t close as a group.

A very good friend is due in June and TTC during covid- absolutely fair enough. I had been open about the highs and lows but she was ready for a baby and didn’t want to hang about. She messaged last night so excited at how things should be normal by the time the baby is here. I am so happy for her of course, I wouldn’t wish my mat leave on anyone. But the message made my stomach clench and I honestly felt sick with jealously. My brain was screaming ‘She is having a baby on purpose during covid and SHE gets the lovely mat leave! The friends, the groups etc! You’ve sat alone in your house crying most days and will be back in work 4 days a week and never get that!!’

That’s not fair. It’s not her fault I know that, I’ve spoken to DH who’s supportive but just like it’s one of those things, you and DS will benefit on your days off, you can go to baby groups on your day off and on weekends we can go to soft play swimming etc.

I just feel so sad looking at the year that wasn’t. I’ll never do baby sensory or baby massage. I’ll never sit on a friends sofa having tea while the babies kick on the floor together. I know it doesn’t matter, DS doesn’t care but when I think about it I just feel so envious and I want to be able to be a kind supportive friend not a green goblin.

Please talk me out of it, anyone feel the same??

Ah sympathy OP. I’m in a similar boat, DS is 14 months so we only had a couple of months of normal before all this crap started up. We’ve managed, but it hasn’t been what I imagined and it does seem unfair, esp when it's your only baby/only experience of mat leave etc.

Not going to tell you to snap out of it because emotions don’t work like that.

I think you need to grieve for the first year you didn't get as you imagined it. You're targeting your pregnant friend as an outlet for the upset and loss of your ideal maternity leave. I understand why you're jealous, and I think you need to give yourself a few days to let that settle, but then start to look at what your baby is ready for, play groups etc are better as babies become more mobile. Could you go back to work part time?

As someone who has had two children, the sensory baby massage and cups of tea NEVER BLOODY HAPPENED.

I mean I thought they would/should - but they were very much a fiction, I think an amalgamation of pampers ads and sitcoms where real babies are dolls.

I do treasure the memories of doing a quiet feed as dawn was breaking, of going for frosty walks, but though there were moments of joy, overall it was punishingly brutal.

I'm not saying that covid hasn't made a tough situation worse, or you can't grieve for a closing chapter - but you'll be able to take your new toddler to the zoo! To the beach! Have an ice-cream! You truly have some tremendously good times ahead.

Tbh I would be the exact same. You’re not a bad person, you’ve coped during a bloody horrific year. As long as you don’t snap and tell you friend any of this!

You will also get to enjoy things from June, I know it’s not the same as when on maternity leave, but you don’t have to contend with tiny newborn panic, cluster feeding, 45mins of sleep etc and your DS will be at that delicious age where everything is starting to become really fun and interesting. I think I’d prefer that

Honestly I can see why you're disappointed but you're grieving for something that doesn't exist. I don't doubt having had a baby this year was harder than usual. However the reason the govt gives a year off is because having a baby and looking after a baby are difficult, important adjustments to make. For every one woman you hear of with glossy hair laughing over coffee while her perfect baby sleeps there will be 20 who have spent the whole time suddenly isolated from everything familiar, or with PND, or just working out how the fuck to put one foot in front of the other with no sleep and a life turned utterly upside down. I do sympathise but you are another victim of marketing and Instagram quite honestly.

Yabu to allow yourself feel jealous and bitter, not to be a doom merchant, a local lady came home with out her baby in March.
Put things in perspective.
In fairness not everyone does exciting things with small DC/baby, you can bond anywhere, why wouldn't you be happy for her.

You had an idealistic view of mat leave and that didn’t happen. And it might not have happened even without Covid.

Could you extend your mat leave with some more unpaid leave- 3/6 months so that you don’t have to go back yet?

@Timeforabiscuit

As someone who has had two children, the sensory baby massage and cups of tea NEVER BLOODY HAPPENED.

I mean I thought they would/should - but they were very much a fiction, I think an amalgamation of pampers ads and sitcoms where real babies are dolls.

I do treasure the memories of doing a quiet feed as dawn was breaking, of going for frosty walks, but though there were moments of joy, overall it was punishingly brutal.

I'm not saying that covid hasn't made a tough situation worse, or you can't grieve for a closing chapter - but you'll be able to take your new toddler to the zoo! To the beach! Have an ice-cream! You truly have some tremendously good times ahead.

Pretty much what I was going to say! It’s hard enough in a normal year so I can only imagine how hard the baby stage was during this corona crap. You’ve done amazingly! So I won’t tell you to snap out of it. But I will say it’s not all lovely classes, rainbows and butterflies for everyone. So feel how you feel, grieve but don’t take it personally when your friend talks about classes etc.

And you say that you will be part time so actually you will be able to spend time with your toddler having fun when there are places to go

I feel a bit like that; I’m due back at work just as everything is opening up again. I had a bit of a taste in the summer of what it could have been like.

You may actually be happier once you're back at work. I was. I found a "normal" maternity leave lonely, empty and repetitive. I used to do my errands as inefficiently as possible just so I could have something to break up the day. My NCT group didn't bond and hardly saw each other. The lovely maternity leave with coffees and baby groups you imagine you would have had, well, I'm not sure anyone really has it in reality. At best you have some moments of that.

The nice times at playgroups and coffees with friends happened later, when my child was a toddler, on my weekends and my non working day. And I enjoyed them a lot more than I did when all my days were baby baby baby.

A little bit insensitive of her to message you like that to be honest. But your pandemic maternity leave will be a story to tell.

I can understand your feelings. For different reasons I felt a bit cheated with my mat leave.
You are legally allowed a week parental leave (unpaid) for every year of your childs life. If I was you I'd use it and also reduce your hours as much as you can for the next couple of years and enjoy all the toddler time you can get. That helped me enormously knowing I had leave booked soon or it was only a couple of days working before I got to spend a day together.

Fwie op those baby groups are NEVER as good as you think...think...compeyetive parenting etc...You had time to bond with baby on your pwn terms. I do get it but NCT can be really cliquey anyway.

Fwiw*

This has been an awful time to be on maternity leave and I totally understand your feelings but honestly it isn't often anything like this at baby groups. I had 3 kids...the reality of baby groups as a social event never happened much for me and even people I've met with we've lost touch as life moves on. I did enjoy them but there was always the rush to get there, baby unpredictable and mums not being that friendly.....even trips to cafes etc were never straightforward after baby was 2 months or so...this blissful maternity leave image is a bit of a myth. You've done an amazing job entertaining a little one all year with little company and your baby hasnt missed much ,honestly they just wanted you anyway. All you can do now is plan around the free time you do have. The toddler stuff is just as much fun! Go to back to work and enjoy that without regret and leave this last year in the past...

I would have felt the exact same, particularly regarding the failure to be in-person friends with the NCT group.

However if I am honest the 2 hours weekly where we met up, before people started dashing home because it was nap time/too close to bedtime for a danger nap in the car/there had been a nappy explosion didn't outweigh the day after day of walking round my town in the cold. Or the misery of sleep deprivation from round-the-clock feeds, or the pain in the arse that was weaning. I also had much much worse weather than we all had last summer.

Very understandable OP, especially in the context of a long awaited and hard-won IVF baby. I know myself how years of infertility and watching everyone else ‘have their turn’ can mean that you feel jealous when your own experience doesnt meet your expectations. You have had the extreme of that with covid, and with the added sadness that you may not get another chance with additional children. I think it is healthy to acknowledge that loss and grieve it without guilt.

No judgement from me, just a hope that the feelings pass soon as they must be causing you distress.

I hated (non-Covid times) maternity leave. The mums at the baby groups were unfriendly, competitive and cliquey. And my baby just cried and didn't enjoy them. None of my NCT group really clicked, most of us had baby blues. A group here and there didn't relieve the crashing boredom. I couldn't wait to get back to work. I would have preferred not to have had the pressure of going to those groups to be honest. I think you're looking at the 'ideal' maternity leave with a very rose-tinted view.

I mean this in a kind way. Maternity leave probably wouldn't have been the amazing dream you imagine it would be. NCT groups are not always great. Baby groups are boring and monotonous. PND happens to lots of people, even with all the socialising in the world. The days are long and boring. The best bit is being with your lovely little baby; everyone gets that, regardless of lockdown.

Lots of groups were running over the summer and we had support bubbles for children aged under 1 year. Those groups continue to run now that you're going back to work so you can still attend them with your little one. Tea on the sofa with friends while the little ones play doesn't stop when they turn 1 (it actually gets better as they start to play together!).

You are not unreasonable to feel this way, but you might have a romantic/unrealistic idea of what mat leave is 'meant' to be. start planning some lovely things to do with your little one when you are not at work, and look forward to the future.

I had my dc before any of this covid and I can say that I never did any of those things that you are describing. In fact I would say that I barely know anyone who did all these fun things. I had my ds around the same time as 3 other close friends and we were always on different schedules or naptimes so we very rarely even met up. I think you are envious over something that probably wouldn't have happened as you liked it to.

@malificent7

Fwie op those baby groups are NEVER as good as you think...think...compeyetive parenting etc...You had time to bond with baby on your pwn terms. I do get it but NCT can be really cliquey anyway.

Oh yes... I forgot the competitive parenting !! U didn't miss out on that

If it makes you feel any better baby massage sessions are usually spent watching your baby sleep or trying to stop them crying, I took my first two DC and it wasn't good.

Also before a year old babies don't really appreciate classes anymore than they appreciate being at home being cuddled, played with and sung to. So don't think your baby has lost out.
He will get a lot more from them now he is 1, so maybe look out for weekend classes, look at working part time, flexible working so you could join in with them.
I also found in terms of friendships a lot of the mums I spent time with on maternity leave weren't really friends and we have largely drifted apart, my actual friends from before children are the people I want to spend time with when I have limited free time.

I don't want to belittle your experience, it must have been hard but the first year with a baby isn't the sugar coated experience we expect, the coming years are where the actual fun starts when the baby becomes more interactive with their environment.

I spent around half of my mat leave in lockdown. I definitely found it a very different experience to what you describe, but I do believe that had a lot to do with my expectations going into it.

I didn't dream of baby groups, coffee with friends etc so I didn't feel like I was missing out. That's not to say there weren't things I'd have loved to have done with my son. Baby swimming lessons, trips out, introducing him to his family, going on holiday (he's almost 18 months and never seen sand/a beach). But I didn't go into mat leave with those as expectations so I think that is why I don't share your same sense of loss/grief.

I think you need to work your way through your emotions cause there is unlikely to be any 'snapping out of it'. Your experience is 100% valid for you.

One thing I would advise is to start looking back on the positives. Every time you got to benefit from have your little one all to yourself and not needing to share them with anyone else. Did you go on any nice walks? Any developmental moments that stick out and make you smile?

I'd recommend that you consider putting together a scrapbook/journal of your babies first year. I did that for my son and I absolutely loved it. I printed out over a hundred photos and mapped his development month to month with commentary about things he'd done or things we'd done together. It really made me feel positive about the year we'd spent together and I found that I barely even mentioned the pandemic starting and from the pictures you wouldn't have know we went through 2 lockdowns and had to wear masks in public. It makes me smile just thinking about looking through it.

I totally feel you as a ftm with a 14 month old and it's absolutely fine to be sad and mourn the experience you thought you would have. Yes some will say baby groups and nct friends etc were rubbish for them but it's totally understandable that you feel like you missed out.

I have to admit given she knows how shit this last year has been for new mums and how difficult you've found it I would have been unimpressed at her rather gloating message.