To ask you to snap me out of it? Viscerally envious of pregnant friend after hideous mat leave

[Jelandguilty]

I know I’m selfish and horrible for feeling this way (have NC as don’t want associated with my usual account.

I had an almost 1 year old DS (born March last year) and going back to work in 4 weeks. We live far away from my family and the last year has been awful. DS was a long awaited IVF baby and likely to be my only child. I had so many dreams of my mat leave when finally pregnant- NCT friends, family, groups. Finally it was my turn! Then covid happened and the last year has been PND mixed with joy at watching my son develop and sadness at the lack of support, socialisation etc. We did NCT but we only had a couple of sessions before it went online and although we message we aren’t close as a group.

A very good friend is due in June and TTC during covid- absolutely fair enough. I had been open about the highs and lows but she was ready for a baby and didn’t want to hang about. She messaged last night so excited at how things should be normal by the time the baby is here. I am so happy for her of course, I wouldn’t wish my mat leave on anyone. But the message made my stomach clench and I honestly felt sick with jealously. My brain was screaming ‘She is having a baby on purpose during covid and SHE gets the lovely mat leave! The friends, the groups etc! You’ve sat alone in your house crying most days and will be back in work 4 days a week and never get that!!’

That’s not fair. It’s not her fault I know that, I’ve spoken to DH who’s supportive but just like it’s one of those things, you and DS will benefit on your days off, you can go to baby groups on your day off and on weekends we can go to soft play swimming etc.

I just feel so sad looking at the year that wasn’t. I’ll never do baby sensory or baby massage. I’ll never sit on a friends sofa having tea while the babies kick on the floor together. I know it doesn’t matter, DS doesn’t care but when I think about it I just feel so envious and I want to be able to be a kind supportive friend not a green goblin.

Please talk me out of it, anyone feel the same??

I had my second at the beginning of April 2020 and am going back to work at the end of March (when restrictions start to lift).

It’s certainly been a mixed bag of a year and I think you’re well entitled to feel like you didn’t get the maternity leave you hoped for. I do really feel for first time mums going through it without the usual support.

FWIW I think my baby has benefited from the slower pace of life!

I’m in the same boat. Twins born last April so I go back to work soon, and best friend is due end of April this year. I am SO jealous of the normal things she will get to do, including spending time with her newborn and grandparents.

Your fine, it is gutted you were robbed of a mat leave x

Gutting*

Also, all those toddler parents you go on to meet this coming year will have had the same experience as you and I think having that sort of thing in common can help break the ice.

I think maternity leave is often a very lonely time. I did a baby massage class with DD, but it was 30 minutes x 4 out of endless hours of being alone with a baby. You haven't missed as much as you imagine.

I really feel for you and if it was me I would be the same. All you can do is know you wouldn’t swap your baby for any maternity leave in the world x

You got a baby, a very wanted baby to love and cherish forever. Stop being angry and enjoy your child not everybody will have a baby never mind maternity leave just think about how lucky you are.

I'd like to echo some of the previous comments. I had a non-COVID maternity leave with my six and two year old. The first time I did all the baby groups, NCT, coffees etc and honestly hated it. I always felt under pressure to be places and to perform like a perfect in control mum when I was there. I loved the solitary nature of my second maternity leave. I know yours was hard (as I think they all are in their own way). I also had baby blues with my first and it was only going back to work that sorted it. I suppose what am I saying is that you may have not enjoyed your maternity leave either way.

@GameSetMatch

You got a baby, a very wanted baby to love and cherish forever. Stop being angry and enjoy your child not everybody will have a baby never mind maternity leave just think about how lucky you are.

Is there seriously any need for this sort of comment? The OP is clearly very aware that she is bloody fortunate to have a baby the fact some people don't doesn't make her feelings any less valid.

My huisband of 52 years died a couple of days into lockdown, not related to the virus, we could only have a family funeral so I still have to endure meeting friends for the first time, it will be like going through it all over again, the odd one I have seen recently clearly find it awkward, not knowing how to respond. So forgive me if I have little sympathy for your missing out coffee morning, baby activities about which your baby would know nothing, if you have a healthy baby look forward, not back.

I’m sorry OP. It must have been so hard having a baby during the pandemic- my heart goes out to any woman who has done it.

But. You don’t know how it might have gone for you in another time.

My DS was nearly 1 when the first lockdown was declared. I’d had a bad end of pregnancy, very difficult labour, breastfeeding failure, difficulty with weaning, a terrible sleeper and then PND. Our NCT group was good on WhatsApp but barely met.

I was so fortunate to get to go to baby groups and breastfeeding drop in’s, etc- these were my salvation.

But even without lockdown it may not have been this magical time that you longed for. It wasn’t for me, and parenting in general is just hard most of the time.

I hope in time you can be happy for your friend. If everything is back to normal by this summer then I’ll eat my hat. I suspect we’ll be in lockdown 5 by then.

It's super hard op and I understand it. My babies were prem and I had twins so lots of our early mat leave experiences weren't rosey. I also went back when they were pretty small as I had to leave early so whilst I totally get you I think it's important to remember that their are a million reasons why things might not pan out the way we imagine

Life doesn’t end after mat leave. I would just be glad you can now look towards meeting with friends and taking your toddler out now that it’s more beneficial for them?

My mat leave hasn’t worked out as planned - my baby will be in hospital for 3 months.

@hansgrueber I’m sorry that must be awful. I’m not trying to say that I’ve had the worst time of anyone at all in the last year- just that it’s been hard. Obviously yours has been worse- I’m so sorry for that.

Mat leave isn’t like how you imagined it for so many women. I’m obviously not saying yours wasn’t crap, but a non-Covid mat leave probably wouldn’t have been quite what you thought either.

YANBU to feel sad for the things you missed out on. I have a friend who’s baby is also one this year and I know it’s been so hard for her dealing with it all alone.

I was never interested in mum and baby groups and it probably wouldn’t have actually had a huge impact if I’d had my babies this year! But for the more sociable among you it must have been awful.

You’ve acknowledged that you fee jealous and that’s a good start. I do think judging her for TTC during COVID is a little unfair though - this thing could have gone on for years, so putting your whole life (especially something time sensitive like TTC) on hold would have been pointless - she was obviously willing to roll the dice on that one and endure a lockdown maternity like yours if needed just to be able to conceive, so I’d try and park that one.

I do think it was a bit insensitive of her to message you of all people with her joy at having a “normal” mat leave, but maybe she thought your experience of it would make you all the more pleased for her rather than jealous?

Either way, as a friend I’m sure you’ll be happy for her in time, but it’s ok to grieve for the first year you wish you’d had with your baby.

On the plus side, having a coffee while the kids play isn’t something that can only happen in the first year - playdates with older DC often end up with them playing elsewhere so you can even drink your tea in peace! So in future maybe flexible working hours or weekends will mean you still get to do that sometimes.

I paid a fortune for the NCT group and imagined having 'mum friends for life' but it was the biggest load of crap ever- the only thing we all had in common was that we had sex (with our partners!) around the same date! Don't beat yourself up over it. You've come so far from being just you to having your world turned upside down with a baby and trying your hardest to keep it alive! That's an achievement! Go easy on yourself and send good vibes your friend's way and hope she has it easy. Motherhood is not a competition.

I had my baby at the start of lockdown 1; I similarly had a long, long road of fertility treatment (5 years, multiple IVF, eventually donor eggs) to get there. I'm also single, so where I had anticipated being able to get help from my lovely friends, this has turned out to be very limited by covid circumstance. I was able to have my dad bubble with us and come and stay for a chunk of the early weeks, but otherwise I've spent a lot of the last year literally on my own with the baby. I've got a little bit longer before I go back to work, but it's coming up.

I do get where you're coming from, but I guess I feel lucky in some ways to have essentially skipped the pandemic and been able to just hang out with the baby. I don't say that to deny your feelings, which are totally real and valid, but I hope another perspective might be useful. I do hope you're able to feel better about the situation soon.

Totally sympathise OP and to be honest I would feel the same.
What I think I would do is if at all possible try to not work full time when going back. That way you can have one or 2 days a week to fully enjoy with your toddler in the warmer months when things start to open back up.
The best times are still ahead. You can go to loads of groups when they go back (with a 18mth or 2 year old is even better than a baby because they are actually engaging in stuff)
I did all the groups every day with my children until they started nursery at 3.5 so you have loads of time left if you are able to work part time to compensate

You're not being unreasonable to feel that the reality of your experience a much wanted baby does not live up to expectations. It may or may not help you to understand that this is an experience that many women have, pandemic or no pandemic. Your baby will have missed out much less than slightly older children, and will probably have benefited from the increased nesting that the pandemic has necessitated. Whilst baby groups can be fun, they can actually be an increased pressure on the new mother - comparisons with other babies, pressure to lose the baby weight, etc, etc. It does feel unfair that you haven't had the opportunity to discover this yourself and to make the decisions, but I have been really sad to see so many new mothers this year feeling that the pandemic has stolen things from them. For many it has given them the gift of less pressure, more time with their partner at home, time with the nuclear family to bond and discover their baby. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but, really, the baby group industry isn't the be all and end all of new mothers' experience.

A child is for life not just for mat leave! I can relate, I had a baby in pre Covid times but in a country where I had no friends who weren’t working full time and I didn’t speak the local language, plus there wasn’t so much in the way of baby activities anyway. Honestly, I felt quite lonely during my maternity leave and was always a little bit envious of friends in the UK with loads to do. But it’s one year!

Fast forward a few years, I have an awesome little taking person who is way more fun and engaging, we live a full and active life and I barely think back to mat leave now. Life goes on, you’ll forget about it as your life will be full with other things. Going back to work will actually help to shake this funk.

I feel the same. I'm back at work the week indoor baby groups are allowed to reopen!
Part of it for me has been living with the constant "things will be better in a few weeks". I hadn't properly let myself fully believe that this was it for my mat leave until yesterday.
We have so much to look forward to, but no, YANBU to feel some grief over the first year of your beautiful baby's life not being what you'd hoped for.

I spend most of my mat leave in lockdown too and actually enjoyed it, but I think the saving grace is that I have two other young children DH was WFH, so I was always busy, never really isolated and baby groups aren't really my thing anymore so I didn't miss them.

My friends who had their first baby in this situation really struggled though and they have my every sympathy. When my first child was born 5 years ago I had a group or a class with him every single day, we saw friends for lunch and coffee regularly and I was still pretty bored! I can't imagine doing mat leave with none of those things to support you. I also met some of my best friends at those classes and they have been a lifesaver over the past few years.

You have been robbed OP, and I know there are people much worse off blah blah blah, but it's not a competition and you are entitled to your feelings. Having a first new baby is really lonely and confusing and you have had to do that without a lot of the support that would normally be available. It's ok to feel how you feel.

But also acknowledge that this is just one year of your child's life, they won't remember and they will just have been glad to spend it with you. I had a terrible mat leave with my second child (PND, difficult baby and my first was only 20 months old) but he's 3 now and it's not something I ever think about. Try to move on if you can.

I get why you’re upset OP, and I’d have felt the same. I too had IVF.

But having done the baby groups, I have to agree with others that they’re really nothing special. You end up dragging yourself out with your baby, rushing to get to baby massage in time, only for your baby to scream throughout, or do a massive poo that you spend the entire session cleaning up. The competitive parenting is grim - I remember crying after some sort of baby session, because mine was the only one who wouldn’t lift his head during tummy time.

I’m very sociable but I didn’t make any lasting friendships in these sessions, and I was actually relieved when they were over.

I found the toddler groups, when my baby was older, much more fun. By then the toddler actually wants to be there, and plays with the toys, rather than staring aimlessly at the ceiling while you rub them with lavender oil. So it’s worth looking to see what there is in your area in the summer, when these things can open up again. I found a toddler group that was on my day off from work, which was handy.

But ultimately, maternity leave is a time to bond with your baby, that’s the main purpose of it. And you’ve definitely done that.

You have so many other things to look forward to with your baby - trust me, it’s way more fun taking them on their first steam train, first paddle in the sea, first Christmas grotto etc, than those relentless contrived music/massage/sensory sessions.

My kids are 15 and 11 now, and my fondest memories are the pre school days, not the baby ones.