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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry that he is going to let her down and damage her career

144 replies

Jettoe · 22/02/2021 17:38

I have two children dd (26) and ds (21) who both still live with me. Ds has never been able to hold down a job, he has been sacked from all 4 that he has ever had usually for lateness and/or laziness. He has never matured past the age of 14 when it comes to his attitude to working regrettably.

DD has always had a much better work ethic, has been working since 18 and has worked her way up into a management position at the company she works for and is highly thought of I believe.

That company has been recruiting and she has managed to coach him through the application process of the roles and he has been offered one. Whilst it is good that he is going to get another opportunity I'm worried that he will do the same thing as he has done in the past except this time it will reflect on her, hurt her career and ultimately their relationship (they are very close).

OP posts:

tinkerbellvspredator · 22/02/2021 17:43

As long as she didn't personally recommend him, ie put him forward, or speak to the recruiter on his behalf then I think she should be ok.

She should be careful when he starts to not get involved at all, dont talk to his manager about him etc. If his manager approaches her to discuss his performance she should make it clear that it would not be appropriate for her to be involved in his work management.

She can give him personal advice outside of work about handling the gas as we all do with friends and relatives, but not get too involved.

Original poster

Jettoe · 22/02/2021 17:54

She didn't recommend him although apparently she has apparently praised him since they made the offer.

OP posts:

cookinahurry · 22/02/2021 17:57

Step back and hope for the best. Sounds like your dd knows what she's doing and hopefully it'll rub off on ds

LilMidge01 · 22/02/2021 18:04

They're both adults.
If she is doing well in her career and is 26 then I would suggest that she is aware of the risks (she probably knows way more about her brother than you do) but has decided to help him. She is an adult and can make her own decisions.

If it turns out to be a bad one, then she will have learned a lesson and it might reflect a bit poorly on her at that company but at the age of 26 and with a good 8 years of work and career building behind her, she can surely also work somewhere else?

I think you need to remind yourself that just because they live with you (and the person she has helped is her brother who you therefore also know) doesn't mean you should be so involved in their business or decisions. I.e. if she lived outside the home and had helped and praised a friend who was known to be a bit unreliable, you would likely give your opinion if asked but ultimately would let her live her life.

And who knows, being overshadowed by his sister at work could be the kick up the butt your DS needs....it could work out well

Original poster

Jettoe · 22/02/2021 18:04

That is what their father says. He thinks that it will be good for him to see how his sister works and want to emulate it.

OP posts:

averythinline · 22/02/2021 18:12

Personally I'm a pessimist with lazy workshy men...i bet he thinks he'll get an easier time because of her.....but maybe he's turning a corner and starting to grow up can take to 21...for some (my brother really started maturing then)

I think I would be clear to her that she should not support him at work and keep a distance....but said once just leave it and step back....same would congratulate on new job then step back....

Are there consequences for him not working?? How does he live without wages?? That was part of my brothers motivation...couldn't go the pub with his mates that were working...and my mum moved so not so convenient on public transport so wanted to learn to drive.... he did well once he got going ....but I'd already worked for years by his age

Original poster

Jettoe · 22/02/2021 18:17

I don't charge him rent (I don't charge dd either) and he has applied to the DWP everytime he has been out of work.

OP posts:

Slumberdoon · 22/02/2021 18:21

The company will be able to differentiate between them. I would give him a talk about making a good impression and growing up. Let him know if he messes up he will have to stand on his own feet. If he cares for her, he will try to do better

Okbussitout · 22/02/2021 18:22

I think she needs to be very careful as if he fucks up it could reflect badly on her. If I was her I'd be talking to my manager and distancing myself from him.

I think the bigger issue is why he is acting like a child when it come to work. This is so unappealing in men. What are the consequences to him when he messes up jobs?

Original poster

Jettoe · 22/02/2021 18:32

He just doesn't seem to have any appreciation that when you have a job there are certain minimum standards. One job he was let go from was because he had been late 14 times although never more than 20 mins (not acceptable I agree) but it was like he didn't take the warnings they gave him beforehand seriously.

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 22/02/2021 18:35

I don't charge him rent (I don't charge dd either)

Why on earth not?! How is that helping either of them with the reality of life?

Original poster

Jettoe · 22/02/2021 18:40

PotteringAlong- I don't need to. The mortgage is paid off so I wouldn't be charging them for anything but profiteering which I don't want to do to my children.

OP posts:

Ileflottante · 22/02/2021 18:48

@Jettoe

PotteringAlong- I don't need to. The mortgage is paid off so I wouldn't be charging them for anything but profiteering which I don't want to do to my children.

So charge them rent because they’ll both be earning and are both adults, and then put it into a savings account. But don’t tell them.

CallforHecate · 22/02/2021 18:52

He needs to learn to adult.

Bluetrews25 · 22/02/2021 18:53

Getting them to contribute to food, council tax, gas, electric, water and internet is not profiteering!

Sh05 · 22/02/2021 19:05

I hope for your dds sake that he takes the job seriously if he gets it but from past experience of have probably advised DD against putting him upto applying or getting involved really.
First job I had, I recommended two friends who went ahead and were offered the job but they were terrible time keepers, were always late and then complained alot when they were reprimanded. When the time came for renewal not only were their contracts not renewed but nor was mine. My manager at the time took me aside afterwards and told me to stear clear of them in regards to employment.

Mumski45 · 22/02/2021 19:06

If he has been late 14 times and not heeded warnings it sounds like he hasn't learnt about consequences and that he needs to take responsibility for himself.

How have you taught him to understand that his actions lead to consequences for him. If you haven't then this might be the issue although it could be a bit late to start now.

I would start charging him board not because you need to but because he needs you to so that he can face up to the realities of being an adult.

This is not profiteering it is life lessons and the fact that you don't see this makes me think he may not have learnt/been taught much about how to behave like an adult.

Sh05 · 22/02/2021 19:06

And charging them for utilities and a small rent will teach them to manage their money better. You could always save it and give it back to them if/ when they move out.

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 22/02/2021 19:10

I think that is risky for your dd. If she has been praising him, and his references are poor, what does that say about her character judgement?

He needs som consequences for being lazy. Making him financially contribute at all times, even if unemployed, might make him think about consequences more.

Sh05 · 22/02/2021 19:11

If he gets the job then I think you should speak to him about consequences not only for himself but for his sister if he were to lose this job.

Suzi888 · 22/02/2021 19:12

@Jettoe

PotteringAlong- I don't need to. The mortgage is paid off so I wouldn't be charging them for anything but profiteering which I don't want to do to my children.

Then put aside for his savings., he needs to grow a back bone.?

RootyT00t · 22/02/2021 19:12

@Jettoe

PotteringAlong- I don't need to. The mortgage is paid off so I wouldn't be charging them for anything but profiteering which I don't want to do to my children.

Charge him rent a d out it in an account.

No wonder he has no idea of the real world.

Okbussitout · 22/02/2021 19:17

I'm not big on the attitude of adult children being self sufficient from 16 like some on mumsnet. However with him I think if all of his money is just for recreational spending there's less incentive to stick at a job. He still has a home, food, Internet etc.

So he's not learning to be an adult. If he lived independently how would he manage when he can't be bothered to stick at a job?

Original poster

Jettoe · 22/02/2021 19:22

He has already been offered and accepted the job.

I don't see why charging them both rent and putting it in a savings account would be a reasonable thing to do as it's their money and if they want to save it then that is their decision not mine. FWIW dd does save money anyway.

OP posts:

Suzi888 · 22/02/2021 19:28

“I don't see why charging them both rent and putting it in a savings account would be a reasonable thing to do as it's their money and if they want to save it then that is their decision not mine.”
Self fulfilling prophecy

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