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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry that he is going to let her down and damage her career

144 replies

Jettoe · 22/02/2021 17:38

I have two children dd (26) and ds (21) who both still live with me. Ds has never been able to hold down a job, he has been sacked from all 4 that he has ever had usually for lateness and/or laziness. He has never matured past the age of 14 when it comes to his attitude to working regrettably.

DD has always had a much better work ethic, has been working since 18 and has worked her way up into a management position at the company she works for and is highly thought of I believe.

That company has been recruiting and she has managed to coach him through the application process of the roles and he has been offered one. Whilst it is good that he is going to get another opportunity I'm worried that he will do the same thing as he has done in the past except this time it will reflect on her, hurt her career and ultimately their relationship (they are very close).

OP posts:
VinylDetective · 25/02/2021 23:16

@costco

I was never charged rent by my mother, in the sometimes long periods that I lived back at home (up to a year). Didn't make the slightest difference to my attitude or sense of responsibility (I turned up at work on time) and just made me feel safe and loved. Although I was a bit of a nightmare, but for different reasons.
But OP’s son can’t/won’t hold down a job so your post is completely irrelevant.
RootyT00t · 25/02/2021 23:40

@Jettoe

He is not a ”manchild” who expects me to do everything for him at all. He is good at doing domestic stuff for me and dad. It’s just like there is something of a mental block when it comes to when he is working.
Something of a mental block.

Ie what's the point in getting off his arse when you bank roll him and give him a free life anyway.

You are doing him zero favours.

How old will he be when he discovers living isn't free? 30?

Original poster
Jettoe · 27/02/2021 09:31

@sonnysunshine. Yes he helps out a lot. For example yesterday he cooked dinner for the 3 of us, did some washing and ironing whilst also being dd’s personal barista as she was working from home.

OP posts:
Crimeismymiddlename · 27/02/2021 10:17

I can see why you are concerned, recommendations always have an element of risk. However, I have worked in places with employees relations have started and generally they are seen as separate. The problems I have seen are generally when the relative is in the same report
structure. Your daughter is a good employee who has worked at the same company for eight years, if your son messes up again people won’t hold it against your daughter, as it is not her fault.

kikot · 27/02/2021 14:24

What do you think the reason is for not being able to hold down a job? If he’s good at helping around the house etc then he musn’t lack worth ethic so why doesn’t this translate into the world of work.

Original poster
Jettoe · 01/03/2021 15:07

I had a long conversation with him on Saturday and outlined to him the embarrassment he would cause dd if he messed it up. He agreed and said that he has got a fresh chance because of her and he’s not going to let her down. He’s started today and was up at the crack of dawn so that is a good start.

OP posts:
Windchangeface · 01/03/2021 15:22

Your DS sounds like my DB (same age) and quite a few young men I’ve known over my time Hmm

I’m sure he has great intentions and I’m not surprised he’s got up today and set out with his best foot forward... because it’s novel and new!

I highly doubt he’ll maintain good performance or punctuality long term, when it gets monotonous he’ll turn up late, half arse it and generally get distracted until it becomes obvious to whoever is supervising him and he starts having the ‘warning chats’.

^ This happens because he doesn’t have consequences OP. His income is only used for saving/personal spending. He’s not going to lose his home, have his water/utilities cut or starve. It’s lovely that you are in a position to let him live for free with you but that’s a massive safety net! Do you think he’d have lost 4 jobs if he was going to end up on the streets? No, he wouldn’t.

There is a real danger with parents of falling into the ‘well I treat both my kids the same and one has a fab work ethic so it can’t be what I’m doing’ your DS and DD sound like fundamentally different people. Parents like you do very well with kids like your DD but end up massively enabling and stunting kids like your DS.

I’m sure he’s a lovely lad btw; super pleasant, polite and generally nice to have around...they usually are!

Original poster
Jettoe · 29/05/2021 08:36

Well I am happy to say I was wrong. He is coming up to being in the job for 3 months and he passed his probation period yesterday.

OP posts:
workingfortheclampdown · 29/05/2021 08:42

That's amazing, you must be so proud!

AgentProvocateur · 29/05/2021 08:52

Great news, @Jettoe. Sounds like this job is the fresh start he needs.

Undertheoldlindentree · 29/05/2021 08:54

Great news, well done to him, and to all of you! Smile

Georgieporgie29 · 29/05/2021 08:57

That’s great news Smile

Original poster
Jettoe · 29/05/2021 09:01

Yes I’m delighted. Dd had the smuggest look on her face as she said “I know my job and I know my brother”

OP posts:
GallopingGreen · 29/05/2021 09:08

What a great update! Delighted for you OP - and fair play to both your DD and DS!

toconclude · 29/05/2021 09:12

And when will the "he'll never change and of course it's all your fault, people like you etc etc" crowd come and apologise?
crickets chirp

BilboBercow · 29/05/2021 09:21

Sounds like he's already written off as the family fuck up at 21

Original poster
Jettoe · 29/05/2021 09:30

I never wrote him off or viewed him as the family fuck up.

OP posts:
Tombero · 29/05/2021 09:33

Great update Grin

vivainsomnia · 29/05/2021 09:37

I've been told that boys grow up at about the age of 21. It was definitely the case for my friend's son. At 18, he could be bothered with anything, spent his days in bed, playing games all night. His room as a pig sty. He didn't care about a job, treated appallingly. She totally despaired and then got really scared when he started to do drugs.She wouldn't even leave her house overnight as she was scared of him bringing unsavoury people over. He did start jobs and got sacked.

Then he turned 21 and suddenly turned his life around. Stopped the drugs completely, went back to an old job he'd quite, worked full time, always on time. He started to treat her really well and they became friends. He finally moved out with a friend and the place is spotless. She never believed this would ever happen.

Cross fingers for your DS that he too has turned a page and will start to build his own life.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/05/2021 09:38

Great news. I think it sometimes takes a push for some young people to move from school mode to work mode.

Justfedupofthis · 29/05/2021 09:39

Lovely update.

(And ignore the idiots intent on spinning their own story)

Melitza · 29/05/2021 09:41

Well done your lad.

altiara · 29/05/2021 09:55

That’s great news. Sounds like a fantastic relationship between the siblings.

IEat · 29/05/2021 10:07

Have a bit of faith in your son and don’t compare him to your daughter. The onus is on him not her

Original poster
Jettoe · 29/05/2021 10:27

Yes they are very close and always have been.

OP posts: