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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry that he is going to let her down and damage her career

144 replies

Jettoe · 22/02/2021 17:38

I have two children dd (26) and ds (21) who both still live with me. Ds has never been able to hold down a job, he has been sacked from all 4 that he has ever had usually for lateness and/or laziness. He has never matured past the age of 14 when it comes to his attitude to working regrettably.

DD has always had a much better work ethic, has been working since 18 and has worked her way up into a management position at the company she works for and is highly thought of I believe.

That company has been recruiting and she has managed to coach him through the application process of the roles and he has been offered one. Whilst it is good that he is going to get another opportunity I'm worried that he will do the same thing as he has done in the past except this time it will reflect on her, hurt her career and ultimately their relationship (they are very close).

OP posts:
LunaLula83 · 23/02/2021 08:59

Let's hope her praise of him is truthful. Her lies will reflect badly on her - Doesn't matter now whether he stays/goes or works hard/doesnt work at all. A hard lesson learned but one better learned early rather than later

TheFancyPants · 23/02/2021 09:09

@Jettoe

I don't charge him rent (I don't charge dd either) and he has applied to the DWP everytime he has been out of work.
You my dear, seem to be part of the problem!

All the time he does not need to fork out for owt, you are enabling his little life.

If I had someone to pay for everything, I too would not work and sit around doing nowt all day

The least you need is food money from them surely?

VestaTilley · 23/02/2021 09:25

She’ll be ok, provided she’s got good bosses and HR there’ll be no reflection on her if DS performs badly.

She needs to maintain distance at work though, not be advocating for him to management or making excuses. It’s up to him how he performs though.

Long term, have you given much thought to what he’ll do? If he drops out of every job and never has to pay rent you may struggle with him ever taking responsibility.

thebabessavedme · 23/02/2021 09:37

26 and 21 and they dont contribute towards household running costs, either they are thoughtless, rude and very entilted or you op have MUG written large on your forehead.

even a few £s a week would be resonable, they would still be able to save and helping to pay for food is what ADULTS do surely?

As to dds job and your son, well, you have helped his attitude along nicely if he is so lazy and irresponsible, he has never had to worry about money has he? Mum picks up the tab!

Original poster
Jettoe · 23/02/2021 18:36

I’m not a mug. I don’t need their money as the mortgage is paid off. They both help round the house so they are not entitled.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 23/02/2021 18:43

26 and 21 and they dont contribute towards household running costs, either they are thoughtless, rude and very entilted or you op have MUG written large on your forehead.

A very narrow minded subjective and judgmental comment.

CandyLeBonBon · 23/02/2021 18:45

Oh ffs op. Get up off the floor. Doormat is not a good look.

CandyLeBonBon · 23/02/2021 18:48

@Jettoe

I’m not a mug. I don’t need their money as the mortgage is paid off. They both help round the house so they are not entitled.
Your son is 26 and thinks he can fart about in jobs, pissing people off because if he gets the sack, he can continue to sponge off his parents with no consequences? If that's not entitled, I don't know what is.
Original poster
Jettoe · 23/02/2021 19:02

He’s 21, his sister is 26

OP posts:
JerichoGirl · 23/02/2021 19:15

OP just a thought, if your son is respectful and helpful at home then it seems a bit odd that he can't manage at work. Do you think there's any possibility he has ADHD? Or do you think it's more related to immaturity?

Your daughter is doing brilliantly and I can understand why you might feel nervous for her. I guess you can only have faith that she has the confidence and wisdom to manage, and hope that your son takes the opportunity to grow. Fingers crossed!!

As to all the comments about your parenting, honestly, some posters never miss an opportunity to kick someone. Says everything about them and nothing about you.

Original poster
Jettoe · 23/02/2021 19:31

He is just very lackadaisical in his approach to work. It’s like he doesn’t appreciate the consequences of upsetting his employer.

OP posts:
NuniaBeeswax · 23/02/2021 19:32

Why would he ever need to actually work when mummy is content to bankroll him? Get real OP.

Original poster
Jettoe · 23/02/2021 19:59

I’m not bankrolling him. He lives in the same room he has lived in for the last 15 years.

OP posts:
NuniaBeeswax · 23/02/2021 20:03

"It’s like he doesn’t appreciate the consequences of upsetting his employer."

He doesn't have to appreciate the consequences because there are no consequences.

Xiaoxiong · 23/02/2021 20:55

To most adults, the consequences of upsetting your employer for no reason are: you lose your job, can't pay your rent, bills, phone, food, can't support your family, no career progression, harder to find a job when you don't have one, etc etc.

To your son, the consequence is...nothing. Well, not nothing - only positive consequences, like not having to get to work on time.

I understand the instinct to support a young man who is still growing up - my BIL lived with us for a few years aged 19-21, we paid only for one meal together with him (Sunday lunch as a family), otherwise he had to buy all his own food, sort his own phone and contribute to bills. He had to pull his weight with chores and follow house rules - one of which was that he had to either have a full-time job, or be in education or training which we were happy to support while he was working part-time. Surprise surprise, he didn't lose a job once (he had walked out of a previous job because he wanted to go to the beach and then been shocked he'd been fired).

Blacktothepink · 23/02/2021 21:05

You’re not doing him any favours with your approach...he’ll be another cocklodger/manchild that you see so often on these boards ☹️

JerichoGirl · 24/02/2021 04:21

@Blacktothepink

You’re not doing him any favours with your approach...he’ll be another cocklodger/manchild that you see so often on these boards ☹️
That's a pretty nasty post. Is it really necessary? The OP didn't ask for you to critique her parenting, she just wanted to chat about her concern.

Why do so many of these perfectly reasonable threads descend so rapidly into a pack-style attack on the OP?

Emeraldrabbittail · 24/02/2021 06:59

It's not about you needing the money OP. Your children one day will leave home and pay for rent, bills and food. So far they have not had to think about that. Your son isn't taking responsibility because he does not have to worry about rent or if he's got enough money for food at the end of the month. Most of us don't go to work because we like it. We go to work to pay for these things, we show up on time because we need the job. You may think you are helping him but your not. Your holding him back. I mean that kindly.
Your should seriously think about charging rent. You don't need the money. So save it for them and use it to help them with a house deposit later on or a nice surprise to help them buy things for their first homes.

Bluetrews25 · 24/02/2021 10:10

So, what will you do when they decide they want their partners to move in and you have 2 extra mouths to feed, more electricity and gas and water to pay for? More laundry and ironing. More tidying up.

In 10 years, you will be one of those parents wondering why their 30 year old DCs have never left home. Confused

Dontbeme · 24/02/2021 10:29

So first he has mum to provide shelter, heat, lights, food and entertainment and now his sister will be getting him out of bed every morning to get him to work on time so it doesn't reflect badly on her.

He is going to end up being one of those men that complains that his wife "nags" him to work at jobs "beneath" him in between her caring for the kids and working three jobs isn't he. Some poor sod is going to be on here in a few years telling us about her DH that refuses to work even though she is at breaking point but "he's great with the kids" because they all play xbox together until three in the morning.

thebabessavedme · 24/02/2021 10:30

Yes, I think I am judgemental about two adults who live with mum and dad and dont see for themselves the need to contribute to the financial running of a house, why are they so blinkered and selfish? they are not children anymore, you are not 'profiting' by them paying towards bills and food and yes, I do think anyone who puts up with it is a mug.

TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe · 24/02/2021 10:39

You shouldn't charge your children rent or expect them to pay for bills while they are living with you. The OP is correct not to expect her children to pay, especially since she doesn't need the money. Why take money from your children if you don't need it? It's madness.

There is a world of difference between a 26yo woman and a 21yo boy. If the ages were reversed, they'd be closer together in outlook and level of responsibility. A man doesn't become an "adult" until their mid to late twenties. He is still a child.

OK he has fucked up every opportunity he has had so far. That's irrelevant really, he's only 21. The important thing is that by the time he's 25 he has worked out a way not to fuck up an opportunity. You don't want him still relying on you when he's 30 or 40, but at 21 he still has plenty of time on his side.

As to the original question, will he let his sister down and damage her career, quite probably and unlikely in that order. If she has been bigging him up and he turns out to be a workshy disaster it will make people question her judgment. But someone can show poor judgment from time to time and it not harm their career, just so long as it's not a regular thing. Nobody gets sacked for a single mistake made in good faith.

SpilltheTea · 24/02/2021 10:53

He's 'only 21'? He's an adult ffs.
He knows he can sit on his arse and live for free with Mummy. Why would he bother caring about keeping a job when there are no consequences?

NuniaBeeswax · 24/02/2021 11:37

"There is a world of difference between a 26yo woman and a 21yo boy. If the ages were reversed, they'd be closer together in outlook and level of responsibility. A man doesn't become an "adult" until their mid to late twenties. He is still a child."

😂

Pinkdelight3 · 24/02/2021 11:45

I don't see why charging them both rent and putting it in a savings account would be a reasonable thing to do as it's their money and if they want to save it then that is their decision not mine.

But in your son's case it's the DWP giving him the money to live on, and rather than needing it to pay rent/bills, it's just free money for doing FA. Is it really any wonder he has no sense of needing work for his living? It must seem pretty irrelevant when he's got it this good without working. Stop going on about your mortgage-free situation and have a think about how your DS will get a mortgage if he doesn't start growing up. As others have said, you can save the money up, but if he never has any overheads and he doesn't naturally have his sister's work ethic, where on earth is the impetus to keep a job going to come from?

I'd also be having a strong word with him about not fucking things up for his sister. Shift from worrying about her, to putting that responsibility on him - emphasise that she's put her neck online so this is different to those jobs in the past and it very much does matter that he's on time and makes an effort. Play it right and this could be a turning point.

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