To worry that he is going to let her down and damage her career

[Jettoe]

I have two children dd (26) and ds (21) who both still live with me. Ds has never been able to hold down a job, he has been sacked from all 4 that he has ever had usually for lateness and/or laziness. He has never matured past the age of 14 when it comes to his attitude to working regrettably.

DD has always had a much better work ethic, has been working since 18 and has worked her way up into a management position at the company she works for and is highly thought of I believe.

That company has been recruiting and she has managed to coach him through the application process of the roles and he has been offered one. Whilst it is good that he is going to get another opportunity I'm worried that he will do the same thing as he has done in the past except this time it will reflect on her, hurt her career and ultimately their relationship (they are very close).

I would just advise your DD in some way as PPs have said just so it is really clear that there is work / family separation. It can be grey where siblings are involved as their emotions come into it.

And advise your DS that she has really helped him, its a great opportunity, and have words if he starts to mess it up. If they are close this might resonate with him.

I know he is 21 but is there any help you can give to get him into the routine of getting there on time? E.g. he should aim to be 10 mins early as he is always late.

As long as your daughters work doesn’t slip
I can’t see why she would be brought down. Maybe try supporting your son more, and it may increase his self worth rather than thinking how it will bad for your daughter think how it could be good for your son. You sound as if you’ve written him off and favour your daughter. He probably knows this.

I've worked with siblings before. I dont think anybody would blame one for the other's performance. They're treated as separate IME. You dont expect them to be the same. I wouldn't worry.

@Bandino

I've worked with siblings before. I dont think anybody would blame one for the other's performance. They're treated as separate IME. You dont expect them to be the same. I wouldn't worry.

Depends on the younger sibiling's attitude. I had a situation where the administrator worked for the team of which her sister was the manager. I was deputy manager. Any criticism, no matter how mild and in private, of administrator and she went straight to big sis. Awkward.

As long as they're not in related teams and she makes it abundantly clear that he gets no help from her in doing the actual job - they should be ok.

I work for a company where it's common for entire families to be employed (granted it's big enough that they could work in completely different teams) and whether it's an issue depends on the inidividuals. Family relationships do have to be disclosed though as per corporate policy!
I myself work in the same team as my boyfriend

@Youllbeoldertoo- I don't favour dd at all, I would love it to all work out but he has messed up every opportunity he has ever had.

no offence OP but im not surprised hes not bothered about jobs while living rent free!
time to make him into an adult and charge him rent, take responsibility and grow up

I don't need the money as I'm mortgage free, this is both ds and dd's family home and they have lived here for the last 15 years. I understand the point about responsibility but dd has lived under the same conditions (re: rent) and hasn't got fired from every job she has ever had.

I would gently suggest that your DD has learned personal responsibility despite her living situation, not because of it. You're not helping your DS at all by allowing him to remain dependent on you.

You say your DD saves every month? I think you should say to them both that you now want them to pay rent and bills, but if either of them saves at least that amount then it gets offset against their savings. And if they don't like it, they can move out and support themselves without your help. Effectively this means no change for your arrangements with your DD but your DS needs to start earning money from somewhere to give it to you, which means growing up, pulling his socks up and keeping the job your DD helped him get.

You've got to be cruel to be kind here, I think, or he's going to lose this job too AND let your DD down. And yes, if she's been praising his performance to her colleagues, she will look a bit of a fool if he's fired for being late 14 times!!!

@Jettoe

I don't need the money as I'm mortgage free, this is both ds and dd's family home and they have lived here for the last 15 years. I understand the point about responsibility but dd has lived under the same conditions (re: rent) and hasn't got fired from every job she has ever had.

This is true! But there's obviously something going on with your son that needs more of a stick approach. I'm not saying it's your duty as he's an adult. But if you want to help him out then I think you could help him learn a bit of responsibility.

When I was a very similar age, I did a very similar thing for my brother. (I didn't live at home though - he did).

I put him forward for the trainee program, and coached him a bit for the recruitment process. He'd never had any more than a temp job before and only wanted to "kill time so he could go travelling". I was a manger, he was a layabout.

His work ethic (or lack of it) never reflected on me. I had established my reputation and credentials in my own dept. He had a bit of a reputation for "scraping by on the bare minimum", but it wasn't MY problem. We were definitely not lumped in together.

Eventually he passed the trainee program, was promoted twice, met his now DW at the same work. 16 years later, he's very successful in the same industry.

I'm just trying to stay, it might be just the chance he needs to prove himself, but as she's already established herself, it won't matter either way. In a professional capacity (in my experience) they won't be "lumped together" reputationally.

Apart from anything else OP, don't let anyone on this board/thread draw you into charging your children money so they can 'learn' about finances. My parents didn't 'charge' my siblings and I and all of us are stable with our finances. Honestly how very ghoulish if there's no need to other than as you say profiteering.

Anyway, he's still young so hopefully this will be the kick up his arse he needs.

I don't need the money as I'm mortgage free, this is both ds and dd's family home and they have lived here for the last 15 years. I understand the point about responsibility but dd has lived under the same conditions

I agree with you.

I would never charge my DC rent, especially when the mortgage is paid off.

Like you, I don't need to. DH and I earn enough.

I would see this time as an opportunity for them to save up, while not paying rent so they can move our to a place of their own quicker and not be living with me into their 30s.

I've seen some threads on MN where parents demand a contribution when their DV gets a pt job and is still a student.

My parents didn't do that to me and I've grown up as a fully functioning self sufficient adult and I've never been unemployed since I left university.

You can raise your kids in the same way, but that doesn't mean they'll be the same and have the same values in life. Usually they will have the same values, but sometimes one goes off the rails a bit.

Agree with you re: rent.

I would not be charging my DC either. Not at this stage, anyway. But I suppose that's a luxury of being comfortable financially.

Good luck to both DC. Hope DS turns a corner and this all goes smoothly for both.

Your children are not the same. They need parenting in different ways. It is your jobs as a parent to teach them how to be adults. You got lucky being so hands-off with your daughter. She has some sense, works hard and saves. Your ds clearly needs more guidance and consequences in order to be a fully functioning adult. He is far from that at the moment.

You can keep saying it isn't down to you to instil some financial sense into him. But actually it is. Or was. This should have been done as they were growing up. You can’t take the attitude it isnt down to you to parent, then wonder what is going wrong.

What do you think you could do?

Nothing like a spot of nepotism in the corporate world, eh?!

It sounds like he is will let her down unfortunately.

I got my sister a job years ago and she went AWOL on the company. In contrast I never miss a day of work, so it was highly embarrassing at the time.

Ugh dp has a friend like your son op.

He's in his mid 30s out of work for having lost another job for just not turning up (then complains to everyone how its so unfair to be let go for not turning up for a week) and now won't apply for jobs because they're "beneath him" and he has a "trade" he doesn't he "apprenticed" with someone who had a trade but has zero paperwork to say he's qualified in anything.

I have no idea how you break someone out of that mindset

@Glitteryone

Nothing like a spot of nepotism in the corporate world, eh?!

It sounds like he is will let her down unfortunately.

I got my sister a job years ago and she went AWOL on the company. In contrast I never miss a day of work, so it was highly embarrassing at the time.

Nothing like a spot of nepotism eh?

Shows why companies hate it though, they just have to deal with the crap recomendations

@Glitteryone- That is my concern.

Well , it’s a done deal now so you’ll just have to keep your fingers crossed he doesn’t fuck this one up too .
How will you deal with him if he does mess up?

The male brain doesn't fully develop until 25 so there's plenty of time for him to progress from the 14 year old mindset yet.

I agree that it might help to discuss with them whether they'd like you to help them save with a savings plan in lieu of rent.

If they are both living at home is she going to be stressed if he is not up and out in the morning. I presume they are not commuting together so he doesn't delay her.
I know a situation where a family member recommended a sibling and it went badly wrong. The person who recommended was hauled up and got into all sorts of trouble wondering if she knew it could go wrong and didn't think of the company. It was extremely awkward and upsetting for her. One thing the company said was...you don't seem very surprised it went wrong so why did you recommendi him to us. She needs to be very careful.

Adults living in the parental home are presumably expected to leave at some point. If they don't have the same costs they would have when they move out, they may not put themselves in the financial position they need to be in to be able to move out. Even if the parents don't need any money from them, they should charge them the full amount it would cost the children to reproduce the same standard of living without parental help, and put it into savings for them. I think it's fine to tell them the money is being saved for them, the point is that if they need money now for anything, they will only have it if they're earning more than enough to cover their needs, so they have an incentive to get a job that pays enough.

An exception to this rule is if the parents are worth several million and are quite happy to be the main source of income for the rest of the child's life. But few families are that well off.