To be too embarrassed and sick of asking DH for account access?

[Itchywitchy]

DH has lots of our finances in accounts in his name. Each month for admin purposes I like to go through everything and check everything's ticking along ok (it is important as I usually find something that DH has forgotten to cancel, etc). Every month I am filled with dread at having to ask for numerous passwords (yet again) because DH has changed them or even once I have the password, i then need to ask him again for a one time password that is sent to his phone He gets annoyed with me and I find it so embarrassing that I have to ask him for access all the time. AIBU?

there's a page on RELATE on how to talk to ypur partner about money. might help
www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/money/im-finding-it-hard-talk-my-partner-about-money

I'm a SAHM, I have a joint bank card and can take out whatever I want, DH is a high earner. Last week I was so happy when I sold some clothes on Ebay and the money went to the account but DH doesn't care, he thinks it's hard work enough looking after the DC. You should have that sort of access.

OP are you okay.. financial abuse .. or the sudden acknowledgement of it being recognised is a lot to take in... 🌺

@dementedpixie

Savings accounts can be in joint names. You arent supposed to access accounts using someone else's log in details

ISAs can only be sole name.

OK savings accounts apart from ISAs can be in joint names them. OP never mentioned an ISA

The more I read joint money and savings just in his name that he changes the passwords to? Oh yea that's great until it's not at he empties the accounts. Savings can definitely be put in joint names.

@averylongtimeago

First things first: Open your own account on get your wages and any child benefit paid into that. You don't have to tell him about this. Next order a debit card on the joint account, again you don't have to mention it. Then transfer some money into your personal account. Next- when you log on to the other accounts- quietly email yourself statements and screenshots. Knowledge is power.

This.

You poor woman.

This is horrifying to read.

Knowledge is power.

Please gain as many copies, screen shots, and emails that you can.

How lovely of him
To allow you access to your own money

@dementedpixie

OK savings accounts apart from ISAs can be in joint names them. OP never mentioned an ISA

Well as they're combining joint money into one person it would be stupid to be using anything but an isa.

Then opening another in the other persons name once you can hit the 20k limit

Apply for an account in your name. Request from the bank a debit card for the joint account. Change your pay to your new account. Don’t tell him. Transfer most cash from his account to the one in your name next time you check, and change his passwords (I suggest URATWAT”09) then tell him, and explain that you don’t care if it’s not earning slightly more interest in your account it’s a cost you are willing to pay to not have to ask him for the bloody password/authenticating code every month.
Set up a share account. Hopefully you’ve transferred enough to immediately put some in shares.

@FudgeSundae

I handle all the finances in our marriage. I wanted to set up an ISA and put some money from joint savings in there. I think you’re alluding to the fact ISAs can only be in one name. So did I set up an ISA just for me? No, I set up one each, with the same amount in each, because it’s joint money and I’m not a monster .Why would your DH not do the same??

Because you've just doubled the work?

Well as they're combining joint money into one person it would be stupid to be using anything but an isa.

Then opening another in the other persons name once you can hit the 20k limit

No you both have an isa in your own name and pay the same amount in to each account each year. Never just one name. Ever.

If you don't have an account of your own and no debit card for the joint account. What do you do for shopping? Does he give you an allowance each month? It's very bizarre. Call the bank and request a debit card for your joint account and whilst your at it, open your own account up.
You would've got a debit card when the joint account was initially opened and thereafter it expired, has he kept that away from you?

@Itchywitchy

I don't even have a debit card for the joint account

How come? If it's a current account surely a debit card would automatically be issued to each party, as that is part and parcel of how a joint current account operates.

When he gives you access, I would be taking that opportunity to
a) transfer some money to my sole account
b) change the bloody password

Before I went on mat leave with my first child I got my DH to set up a standing order to transfer a large chunk of his wages into my account each pay period. My mother always had to ask for money to do grocery shopping and I wasn't prepared to do that, I would have found that humiliating.

Our finances are totally separate, always have been. In fact I don’t know how much my husband earns, not precisely. He’d tell me if I asked. But then I property in my name. We do have records if anything should happen.

@Itchywitchy

That's the thing, I am allowed access but I have to ask everytime I want to have a look,plus even if I know the password, his phone alerts him for a one time code that I need to ask him for

Things like savings and shares which couldn't be held in joint names, etc.

I'm fine with him having them but I just want to be able to access them properly.

Everything can be held in joint names. This is control. They call it financial abuse. I didn’t realise it was a real thing myself until I filed for divorce.

Everything can be held in joint names. This is control. They call it financial abuse. I didn’t realise it was a real thing myself until I filed for divorce.

Not everything can be held in joint names, that's not true!

But everything can be split 50/50.

So if he had £20k in an ISA (which you say is actually joint money), why not have an ISA each with £10k each?

The fact everything is in his name is alarming.

This is financial abuse. I have helped someone in the past get there money back after partner moved it all.
You need to take all you money and put into your own account.
Most savings and bank accounts can be joint.
Shares should be in your name separately.
You need to get your name put on the house deeds as currently you have no legal rights to the property.

You say you've been a SAHM. Is this his money?

@PontyberryMassive I'd feel bad doing that! When I was on mat leave I used my maternity pay and took nothing off my husband.

Why does he change his passwords every month? I know it needs to be done occasionally for security but it almost seems like he’s doing it on purpose so that OP can never login in without his “permission”.

Just refuse to put your money into his account. I’m not sure why you are really? You could always decide between you that you (OP) pay electric, he pays water etc. Ideally though, you need a joint account for bills that you have all details for.

@Someone1987 where I lived I only got 8 weeks paid mat leave. I'm also not sure why I wouldn't use money from my husband to buy groceries to feed him and his child.