To be too embarrassed and sick of asking DH for account access?

[Itchywitchy]

DH has lots of our finances in accounts in his name. Each month for admin purposes I like to go through everything and check everything's ticking along ok (it is important as I usually find something that DH has forgotten to cancel, etc). Every month I am filled with dread at having to ask for numerous passwords (yet again) because DH has changed them or even once I have the password, i then need to ask him again for a one time password that is sent to his phone He gets annoyed with me and I find it so embarrassing that I have to ask him for access all the time. AIBU?

@Itchywitchy

I don't even have a debit card for the joint account

Phone the bank TODAY and order one.

[quote Someone1987]@PontyberryMassive I'd feel bad doing that! When I was on mat leave I used my maternity pay and took nothing off my husband.[/quote]
@Someone1987 don't forget that the only reason your husband can go to work is because you are at home looking after his child.

This is financial abuse FULL STOP

If you have a true joint account then where is your debit card? Is he withholding that too? How do you buy things? Or is it a 'joint account' in that it's in his name but your wages/money go into it?

Get your own bank account and start getting your wages paid into it straight away.

Why is the house in his name only. Was it his before you met?

You are going to have some difficult conversations coming up, don't let him fob you off.

@Blockedoff

Everything can be held in joint names. This is control. They call it financial abuse. I didn’t realise it was a real thing myself until I filed for divorce.

Not everything can be held in joint names, that's not true!

But everything can be split 50/50.

So if he had £20k in an ISA (which you say is actually joint money), why not have an ISA each with £10k each?

The fact everything is in his name is alarming.

Tomayto. Tomato. Okay- split the very few things that can’t be then.

My focus here is that it is financial abuse.

OP- I agree with all that you should do the practical things such as getting a bank card etc but you also probably could do with some advice. Like a previous poster said, he can work because you stay at home. That doesn’t give him the right to control you like this.

Some solicitors give 30 minutes free advice. You need to protect yourself financially no matter what.

Yes all the above. You should have equal access to all this and its all about control. He has far too much control over this. What next? Get it sorted. Be angry not embarrassed!!!!

OP, I can’t understand why you wouldn’t even have a card for your current account?

How do you ever buy anything then?

Just ring the bank and order one .

But if the account is in joint names, the bank would have sent you both a card automatically. Where is your card? Is he withholding it?

Is there an imbalance in your relationship in anyway - is he much older or something? It's odd to feel embarrassed about something like this. I think most people would feel annoyed or angry.

@AhNowTed

He wants you to be embarrassed. He wants it to be awkward and inconvenient.

The harrumphing is just to put you off asking.

Do not fall into this trap.

That money is as much yours as it is his.

If I were you I WOULD BE THE ONE tutting and harrumphing at the inconvenience.

Do NOT let this slide into a situation where you have no access and are cowed into not asking. DO NOT!

Absolutely this.

OP start today. Order an extra card for you for the joint account your name is on. Then sort out your own online access for the account.

And take over the passwords. Why does he change them so often? No one I know changes them so Often as this!

Why don’t people separate their money. It’s fricken WEIRD. Okay have a joint account for bills but that’s it! I’m not having my OH see how much I spend in home bargains ever!

Noooo!

Fricken is fucking weird! Sorry @Fiona2020

@Jamboree01 so is my focus financial abuse. So the DH stating I can't put your name on these investments, which he can't in some circumstances should be over ridden well then we each hold the same amount separately.

His "excuse" which is valid is they can't be jointly held, which is true. We know it's set up that way to financially abuse OP, but he will just throw the keys have them jointly held out of the window.

I absolutely hate when people do this, if it’s in an account in his name it’s not joint money, it’s his money, that’s the way the bank would see it and the law would see it despite what agreements you have amongst yourselves.

If things like shares can truly only be in one name you should have half in his name and half in yours but some shares can be in joint names.

You need a joint account for joint expenses and savings and your own account for your wages to go into and your personal expenses.

@Fiona2020 or share everything? My OH doesn't monitor my spending, nor do I monitor his.

Works perfectly for us.

ISAs /shares/pensions cannot be in joint names. Does he just forget his passwords ( and have to redo them)?

@Blockedoff I just couldn’t. I don’t understand why people do it. Your money is your own . Savings and bills aside!

Did your mother never stress the importance of having your running away money?

Changing the passwords constantly isn't needed, its a way to take back control & make it difficult for you. As others said you'd have been issued a debit card,so where is it? Have a look...then ring bank & ask for one. I temped in legal: men who did this did it so they could empty accounts asap . They also had form for hidden accounts they'd siphoned money off to. Having to ask means the dynamic is parent & child. Do you get an allowance for food & clothes etc? Is it never enough? That's financial abuse. Set up a separate account & have a set amount going into a joint one for mortgage, utility bills,food etc

Is he doing a salary exchange for shares in the company he works for? I.e. effectively getting them at a cheaper rate.

You should not put up with this. Insist joint money is in joint accounts end of! He maybe doesn't realise how you feel but it's not right. His money fair enough but he shouldn't do this with your money. I would never allow this.

@Fiona2020 our money (mine and DH), is not my own, it's all ours!

FYI he was the main earner when children were little, I've been the main earner for many years since.

I absolutely cannot understand the not sharing.

But I suppose it's personal choice.

So... you still don't know what he earns? This is not a partnership.

@Someone1987

You say you've been a SAHM. Is this his money?

WTAF? His money?

If you are having a child together, you are a family, a shared household - and any money coming in, whosoever earns that money, is family money. The stay-at-home parent (yes, it is usually the mother but not always) is contributing as much to the household as the working-outside-the-home parent. They are caring for and raising the joint child(ren) which is frankly a lot harder than many a desk-job, with it's adult company and lunchbreaks!

So stop with the HIS money. It is THEIRS.

Exactly what @WhereYouLeftIt said!

You are right, it has crept up on me. I know...I'm stupid

You are not stupid. It's like a great deal of abuse, that's how it works, the abuser makes it creep up on you so you don't notice it happening - like the boiling frog analogy.

The important thing is you can see it for what it is now and can get help to get yourself sorted.

I never worried about the house, as we are married, it would all be split anyway. I assumed that would be the case with accounts but I now see how easily he could empty them within a drop of a hat.