Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be too embarrassed and sick of asking DH for account access?

378 replies

Itchywitchy · 22/02/2021 16:13

DH has lots of our finances in accounts in his name. Each month for admin purposes I like to go through everything and check everything's ticking along ok (it is important as I usually find something that DH has forgotten to cancel, etc). Every month I am filled with dread at having to ask for numerous passwords (yet again) because DH has changed them or even once I have the password, i then need to ask him again for a one time password that is sent to his phone Blush He gets annoyed with me and I find it so embarrassing that I have to ask him for access all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
allsayingthesamething · 22/02/2021 20:00

I'd just ask for his phone for half an hour.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 22/02/2021 20:00

I think you are 100% being unreasonable to live like this. You are not his child. Does he always treat you without respect?

VestaTilley · 22/02/2021 20:01

YANBU.

He sounds controlling and like he enjoys putting you in this awkward position. Your money should ideally be in joint names. Or, it he has savings in just his name you should have savings in just your name too.

Are you married? Do you work? If he left you what access would you have to money? Do you know how much he’s got squirrelled away?

Speak to a solicitor.

bumblingbovine49 · 22/02/2021 20:04

DH and I have this issue as we have quite a few savings and isa accounts in our individual names. It is actually quite a pain op but it isn't because of your husband, it is because access to bank accounts i often complicated.

We have a couple of joint accounts with quite a bit of money in them but most savings account etc are not joint and DH keeps all the passwords for is in a very secure vault which I can't easily access so it does drive me a bit potty too. The fact is though that my accounts are not easily accessible by him either.

We have quite a bit of money in joint accounts and I have quite a bit in my name so it would not be too much of a problem if one of us was ill.

If one of us died then access to your spouse's accounts is not that hard to sort out with a death certificate and probate etc.

ScrumptiousBears · 22/02/2021 20:04

A friend of mine and his partner decided all the money would going into her account as she was a SAHP and he worked long hours so she had more time to manage the money. £35k in debt later and the mortgage not being paid for nearly a year and today he still doesn't know where to he money went.

sbhydrogen · 22/02/2021 20:10

Add yourself as an additional account holder to any utilities that you can, and log into your bank account and order yourself a debit card for a start.

Next, if you've not set up internet banking for your joint account, call the bank and sort it out. It's really not that difficult!

GettingItOutThere · 22/02/2021 20:11

@Itchywitchy

I don't even have a debit card for the joint account Blush
stop being embarassed about it and sort it out - tomorrow

if you dont, you will regret this one day

sbhydrogen · 22/02/2021 20:12

If you can sign up for Mumsnet you can get access to your accounts.

SpudsandGravy · 22/02/2021 20:12

Tell him you won't put up with this any more. It's nuts!

doucey · 22/02/2021 20:12

Another vote for LastPass. That takes away the practical access issue of how your can still both share access to the account no matter how often the password [email protected] changed. LastPass doesn't solve any fundamental underlying issues in your marriage though.

bungaloid · 22/02/2021 20:12

We use a family password manager where you can share access to passwords for things we both need to poke around in. Won't help massively for one time text passwords, but I just look at the message preview - that's usually enough.

SpudsandGravy · 22/02/2021 20:15

@Itchywitchy

I don't even have a debit card for the joint account Blush

Well, I don't want to sound mean but you need to get a grip on this. It's not appropriate. You need to say so and get access to your joint accounts. Sounds like they must not have your name on them. It's not a good idea to stay with a bloke who wants to take control of your finances and/or refuses to share details of his own finances, if you're living together.

GabsAlot · 22/02/2021 20:19

The otp is unavoidable online for some reaosn they dont do it with an app but why is he changing the passwords so often and then why cant he let you know what they are

but yes bigger issue is why is everything in his name andhow do you buy stuff without a card

FeeLock28 · 22/02/2021 20:22

Oh, Itchywitchy, I really think this is coercive and controlling behaviour. Turn it around and put it next door: your male next-door neighbour talks to you in town, say, and says that his wife/girlfriend only grants him access to the money he needs to live resentfully and leaves him feeling as though he's asking for something unreasonable. Then every time he's finished, she shores up the accounts so that he has to go asking again ... and again ...

Really suggest you get some financial advice on how to have access to your money. Banks are pretty good at this. Good luck! Flowers

averylongtimeago · 22/02/2021 20:23

First things first:
Open your own account on get your wages and any child benefit paid into that. You don't have to tell him about this.
Next order a debit card on the joint account, again you don't have to mention it. Then transfer some money into your personal account.
Next- when you log on to the other accounts- quietly email yourself statements and screenshots. Knowledge is power.

Backtoschool101 · 22/02/2021 20:26

No offense OP but it amazes me at how many people are silly and don't know how to open a simple bank account and just believe anything their partner says..... we have Google now. I formation is everywhere or call your bank and ask. Get a card for yourself and put your wages in your own account and child benefit. I'm giving you a virtual slap on the back. You need to wake up, do your research and be a bit more savvy. Sorry to be harsh but there's no good being embarrassed. Woman up and sort yourself out for yourself and your kids!

Randomname85 · 22/02/2021 20:31

I find the LTB posts ot t- OP we have no real idea of your husband or your relationship. However I would definitely try to move some money into your own account. What is the reason the house and everything is in his name only? Realistically you should ask (and feel comfortable doing so) to put your name on things - especially if he was to get ill or something

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2021 20:32

@Itchywitchy

You are right, it has crept up on me. I was a SAHM for 5 years and have only just started working again part time. Everything is in his name, including the house. I have no accounts of my own. Everything I earn goes into a joint account.

I know...I'm stupid Blush

You're not stupid.

But I'm not sure what he is...

Get him to change them. Insist.
And decide what you'll do if he says No

teateaandcoffee · 22/02/2021 20:32

@CheeseAndBaconOatcake you can count cash in a cupboard at any time without needing a password.

Nat6999 · 22/02/2021 20:33

You do realise he could clear all the accounts & you couldn't do anything about it? What he is doing is financial abuse, get your own accounts opened & demand all your share goes in your own accounts, if he refuses LTB & get half that way.

LagunaBubbles · 22/02/2021 20:35

Why do so many women put up with crap like this?

Because so many men are controlling pieces of shit

Not what I asked. I asked why so many woman put up with it. Different thing.

Regularsizedrudy · 22/02/2021 20:37

I am so sick of reading this same story over and over on here. You are being financially abused. Not having access to joint money and even more so money that you have earned for gods sake( !) is not normal!!!! Get paid into your OWN account and get access to all joint money.

harknesswitch · 22/02/2021 20:37

I think I'd be telling him the account have to be in both your names. If you 'can't' then you both need to move the money to an account that you can have two names on it.

Bluntness100 · 22/02/2021 20:55

What? You give all your earnings into an account you don’t even have a card for, and everything is in his name? He even changes the passwords so you can’t see.

You need to stop this immediately, what are you thinking, starting shifting money into your name and tell him to put yout name on the house deeds.

This is horrifying to read,

jeannie46 · 22/02/2021 21:05

It's my experience men who act like this are preparing to leave / have another interest/family or something else to hide.

Protect yourself by opening a bank account just for you, setting up savings/ISA/pension. Tell your DH how you are going arrange to share household/ family expenses and stick to it.

You are no doubt going to have trouble getting your money back. Look for a FT job asap. You have all (maybe) of his account details - you'll need them for when/if you split. However you need to understand that the first thing he will do on his way out, is clear all the money out of the ones you know about and hide it somewhere you can't get at it. He may even as we speak be putting the house in someone else's name (gf, parent etc.)/ be raising a mortgage on it so there is very little equity for you to share (if you are married.) It is very difficult to track down the assets of a determined man.

You are up against a ruthless man so the best you can hope for is to understand this and start building up some security for yourself asap.

So, even if you are married I fear you will not be able to have your fair share of existing assets. Do you have details of his pensions? These are more difficult for him to hide if they are works'/ public sector ones. Easy to hide by transferring them otherwise.

If you are not married then you likely will get nothing if you split / he dies. You owe it to your children if not to yourself to get this sorted.