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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be too embarrassed and sick of asking DH for account access?

378 replies

Itchywitchy · 22/02/2021 16:13

DH has lots of our finances in accounts in his name. Each month for admin purposes I like to go through everything and check everything's ticking along ok (it is important as I usually find something that DH has forgotten to cancel, etc). Every month I am filled with dread at having to ask for numerous passwords (yet again) because DH has changed them or even once I have the password, i then need to ask him again for a one time password that is sent to his phone Blush He gets annoyed with me and I find it so embarrassing that I have to ask him for access all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
crosspelican · 22/02/2021 19:08

And of course shares and savings accounts can be in joint names.

user18467425798532 · 22/02/2021 19:09

Right. What are you going to do about it?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/02/2021 19:09

Everything is in his name, including the house

Including the HOUSE???!!!!!

Still, at least you're married (at least I hope you are, as some posters write DH when they mean partner) so you should be reasonably protected if the control gets too much

crosspelican · 22/02/2021 19:11

How is your relationship in other regards? Apart from the "oh he's such a great Dad" stuff. I mean seeing your friends and family (pandemics aside), you going back to work, what happens when you buy something for yourself - shoes, winter coat - or something frivolous like a lipgloss? Can you make any purchases for the house?

Expectingsomethingwonderful · 22/02/2021 19:12

Joint money should be in a joint account. If something happens to your husband you need to be named on the account or you will be denied access. Please get this changed.

The house should also be joint as should the shareholdings. This is all a big red flag to me!

teateaandcoffee · 22/02/2021 19:12

The one time passcode to phone is standard, it's annoying but there for safety. Next time he makes you feel awkward I would just have at it and get it off your chest. You have every right to view finances and it's important you do.
I think all that is required here is a frank conversation. I had a similar issue with husband, a lot of things I couldn't access, I had to pester him and in the end because I gave up on checking I ended up losing thread of finances and we started sliding into debt. I had it out, said everything needs to be into the joint so I know what's going on and he needed to be more transparent, i.e. putting references on transfers so I can keep tabs. Since we did this we've not gone overdrawn once. I don't think he realised how difficult it made it for me not having full access and he wasn't hiding anything. Sometimes people just don't think. Be assertive, you're not asking for anything wild.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/02/2021 19:16

@Itchywitchy

I don't even have a debit card for the joint account Blush
Oh shit. Yep, he's a controlling arse. Contact your bank ASAP and get one issued. And the house is in just his name?

You need to be pointing out to him that if he's hit by a bus tomorrow (and it can happen to anyone) then you and the kids would be left up shit creek. If he still drags his feet, you have a serious problem.

notalwaysalondoner · 22/02/2021 19:19

I actually don't think this is an issue - sounds like he's tight on security, and the banks control the one time passwords, not him.

I'd have a separate conversation about why you can't transfer them all to be joint accounts, but in the meantime, his approach is much better than you writing down all the passwords somewhere or something...

HowManyToes · 22/02/2021 19:22

@Itchywitchy

He's always allowed me access but now has a bad habit of changing passwords all the time and I can't keep up.

They are technically his accounts but they have joint money in and I want to be able to see it.

I feel embarrassed about it all.

So your money goes into his accounts that you can’t access without his permission? Why the fuck are you allowing that?
teateaandcoffee · 22/02/2021 19:23

Also, get a debit card for the joint account asap. And while your at it get your own savings account. Put some money aside from your job (if you're like me it's not a lot), and put it in a personal savings account, just a little bit every month. This happened to me when I had my baby, just slid into husband handling finances as he was bringing money in. It's easily done when you're looking after a baby!
It wasn't anything untoward at all, not a red flag, just slid into bad habits. You need to regain control. If you have your own bit of savings put to one side, no matter how small you will feel more in control.
If you let this slide further then yes you are putting yourself in a vunerable position and forming bad habits, put a stop to it now and regain control.

Guidebutton · 22/02/2021 19:23

Why don't you have a debit card on the joint account? That's not even his decision to make, you can organise that yourself. How do you buy anything?

Wjat exactly are you doing on all these investment accounts so frequently? It seems odd that he should restrict your access so much and yet "allow" you access on a monthly basis, albeit not making it easy for you.

HowManyToes · 22/02/2021 19:24

Jesus tap dancing Christ, the house is in his name and you don’t have a debit card for the joint account?

Time to stand up for yourself

31RooCambon · 22/02/2021 19:25

@Itchywitchy

DH has lots of our finances in accounts in his name. Each month for admin purposes I like to go through everything and check everything's ticking along ok (it is important as I usually find something that DH has forgotten to cancel, etc). Every month I am filled with dread at having to ask for numerous passwords (yet again) because DH has changed them or even once I have the password, i then need to ask him again for a one time password that is sent to his phone Blush He gets annoyed with me and I find it so embarrassing that I have to ask him for access all the time. AIBU?
Wow, instead of getting embarrassed that you need to ask, start being very assertive in your reasonable expectation that the account is accessible to you too. Tell him to stop changing the passwords.
seasidefishwife · 22/02/2021 19:26

How do you buy stuff??

Carpetstretcher · 22/02/2021 19:28

To add....

My sibling saw the, or more likely saw some, of the accounts every month.

But I think it was only certain, healthy, ones and even then a quick view and then onto the next page.

A sort of ‘don’t worry your pretty little head with these, you’re crap at maths and I’ve a degree in it’ attutude.

Unravelling the web is taking ages - and adding to the debt.

Trouble is that we suspect that some of the cards were on paperless accounts. Taking ages to find out now that passwords have been forgotten.

You need unfettered access to look at statements in your own time and at your own pace.

There may be nothing wrong - but you need to know that for yourself.

My sibling thought that everything was ok, a bit stretched but ok. But the shit hit the fan on max.

We are talking loss of house, pension pot etc etc.

pheonixrebirth · 22/02/2021 19:29

@Itchywitchy

I don't even have a debit card for the joint account Blush
My stomach is churning for you OP. This is not normal in any way at all.

Furthermore he is conditioning you to accept the status quo by getting angry for asking for access to your own money?!?

Do not let embarrassment regarding money issues get in the way of sorting this out once and for all.

Talk to him and tell him that the money situation needs to be sorted out and both names on all accounts. His reaction should tell you everything you need to know.

Marriage is a partnership in every aspect.

Even if he agrees to everything being equal, you need to open an online bank account right now.

No woman in this day and age should be without access to money.

Soontobe60 · 22/02/2021 19:31

He is exerting financial control over you. This is an insidious kind of domestic abuse.
Try telling him to put your name on the house deeds, get you a debit card for your joint account, make all savings joint savings and see what he says. If he’s a reasonable man, his reply will be ‘yes dear, I’ll get straight on to it’. I suspect he will not say this though I’m afraid.

teateaandcoffee · 22/02/2021 19:32

And sorry one more thing, the reason I think it is hard nowadays is because everything is online. Growing up I would see my Dad bring home his weekly cash wage packet. It went in the cupboard. So did my Mum's part time money. Any bank accounts sent statements were sent by post and you had a paying in book. It was all transparent so my Mum I am guessing wouldn't need to ask him for a password or login details, she just looked in the drawer to check on how they were doing. It's now much more complex and there is no longer physically a household "pot". It's just something we need to navigate. Maybe explain it in those terms. It's not necessarily that it's sinister or he's hiding things, it just is more complex to access joint finances.

FourDecades · 22/02/2021 19:36

@Itchywitchy - as you can see you are in a very precarious situation. What are you going to do?

CheeseAndBaconOatcake · 22/02/2021 19:39

@teateaandcoffee

And sorry one more thing, the reason I think it is hard nowadays is because everything is online. Growing up I would see my Dad bring home his weekly cash wage packet. It went in the cupboard. So did my Mum's part time money. Any bank accounts sent statements were sent by post and you had a paying in book. It was all transparent so my Mum I am guessing wouldn't need to ask him for a password or login details, she just looked in the drawer to check on how they were doing. It's now much more complex and there is no longer physically a household "pot". It's just something we need to navigate. Maybe explain it in those terms. It's not necessarily that it's sinister or he's hiding things, it just is more complex to access joint finances.
@teateaandcoffee that's interesting- I'd have said it's easier as we can both access anything at anytime.

I guess that's only as good as the honesty of those involved 🤷🏻‍♀️

Youllbeoldertoo · 22/02/2021 19:47

Why is he changing passwords on you!? That’s really unfair
Contact joint bank account and get a debit card sent out.

Lochmorlich · 22/02/2021 19:52

Get a debit card for the joint account.
Put your pay and child benefit in your own account.

Gcnq · 22/02/2021 19:59

It is really suspicious that he keeps changing the passwords on you, I mean, who does that??

Even if you're really paranoid about security, you tell your partner "I've now changed the password to this... keep it safe won't you" and have a system going.

It does not sound good sorry.

allsayingthesamething · 22/02/2021 19:59

I'm not sure you've been correctly informed about the shares only being in one person's name.

Eddielzzard · 22/02/2021 20:00

I wouldn't stand for this. Tell him you're sick of it and you've got to sort it out once and for all. Shares are fine in his name. Buy some in yours too. House must be joint. Have a joint account with both salaries going into it, then have a standing order to each person's account for personal money and savings or whatever. You shouldn't be asking him. You are not a child. If you have shared assets, you both should have access. Honestly it makes my blood boil.