Met guy online - reaction to ending it

[Petra28]

I've been chatting for a month, mostly via text, with this guy I met via OLD. We also had a few video calls.

I'm very busy with work and just last week got a promotion that I'd been dreaming of forever.

I decided to let him know that I could no longer continue chatting, purely because I didn't want to waste his time and I wouldn't be able to commit to anything long term.

He went mental! Said I'd deceived him and sent a string of messages in a row outlining how good we'd be together and that I am causing myself misery by not giving him a chance. He is devastated apparently and it's my fault.

Should I have said something re the promotion sooner?
Or have I dodged a bullet?

That's a huge over-reaction on his part and suggests he is entitled and has no impulse control.

Count yourself lucky you didn't get more serious with him.

Bloody hell who left the gate open at the handmaid farm?!

You did the right thing, ignore the people saying you should have told him or made time, you did what you thought was right.

Wow you dodged a whole world of pain there. Thank God!
Well done on your promotion.

Were there any other reg flags aside from him trying to move things forward and meet as soon as possible? (Which is a huge flapping great one, but curious if there were any others.)

When someone shows you their true colours believe them, OP. Bullet definitely dodged. Block and move on.

Jesus, some of the responses on here actually suggest OP should have told a man she’s not met about her potential promotion and that now she has chosen not to continue speaking with him, she owes him an explanation or an apology?!

@Petra28 you owe him nothing. And as his subsequent behaviour has illustrated, you are much better off out of it. Keep an eye out for any other warning behaviours from him.

The very fact that you have decided to focus entirely on the promotion and not give him any time at all says it all. There wasn't any real chemistry there that was going to make it worthwhile. And his reaction just proved that for you.

@Viviennemary

The double standards on here are as usual incredible. If this was a woman complaining about a man being all keen one minute and too busy because of promotion the next he'd be villified.

They never even met, no actual date occurred. No one owes anyone anything in this scenario. She was polite enough not to ghost (which is exactly what most men on OLD would do). His reaction was scary under the circumstances, as in do not meet this male or let him know where you live scary.

He sounds crazy.

And it’s your female socialisation making you feel guilty. You’ve done nothing wrong, you never even met the guy!

Congratulations on your promotion.

@DianaT1969

I have to be honest, if a man did that to me - chatted regularly for a month, appeared keen, but refused to meet up, then dropped me saying he has a promotion, I wouldn't be impressed. I wouldn't go ballistic, but I'd think he was a time-wasting twat.

This ^

His reaction is not on. Yes you might have mentioned it earlier, but he was clearly way too full on and needy.

NotAuthorityAtAll This ^

Wouldn't that depend on what the chatting constituted? If you were just exchanging polite chit chat about the weather, your daily routine, your hobbies, etc then it would be a bit odd to be somewhat over-invested after a month. If you had done the full on sex talk with nude pics, then more fool you, but you would probably be quite upset then if he used and departed.

But how do you ever end a relationship, if after a month of dating (and the OP wasn't even dating this man), the other person said "thanks, but no thanks"? Isn't that what dating is for? To discover if you want to take it further? How do you end any relationship?

It's fine for him to be disappointed and say so, it's fine for him to have thought this relationship could have gone further. It's not at all fine for him to let rip at the OP and think that he is entitled to question her decisions about her own life.

I saw someone on here say that near the start of the 'getting to know you' she changes something in a way that very slightly inconveniences the other person. Change the time or location they meet, or cancel a phonecall with short notice, and see how the other person reacts. Any red flags at that stage mean not moving forward, eg getting angry, trying to overrule her choice, piling on the guilt and emotional manipulation. It seems very sensible.

You might think he's a time wasting twat @DianaT1969 but would you send him a string of angry messages saying that he's ruined him future by deciding not to pursue things further?

Or would you just be disappointed and vent to your friends?

@Awrite

Dodged machine gun fire.

Agree!

Although there are only a few posters on here saying the OP was in the wrong, that in itself is sad and quite scary.

@DianaT1969

I have to be honest, if a man did that to me - chatted regularly for a month, appeared keen, but refused to meet up, then dropped me saying he has a promotion, I wouldn't be impressed. I wouldn't go ballistic, but I'd think he was a time-wasting twat.

I agree. The guy clearly over-reacted, but two wrongs don't make a right.

If you've spent any time OLD you'll probably have experienced similar multiple times and it does get very frustrating.

Also it's quite easy to over-invest at the moment when there's fuck-all else going on.

You're allowed to change your mind. There are many men in the world of OLD that are so entitled. If the roles were reversed and a women was messaging a man with the messages hes sent to you she'd be labelled as a nutter. Just ignore/block him and move on. You've explained your reasoning once and don't need to continue to do so.

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

If a woman behaved like this she would be called a bunny boiler and be laughed at. I suggest you do the same!

This comment struck me as so true.

There are women behave like this and they are identified as bunny boilers. Men behave in the same way and it's somehow more acceptable for them to be unable to handle their feelings and we should feel sorry for them?

I agree that his reaction was ott from only talking for a month, but if you truly wanted a relationship then you would make time. People are able to date/raise a family whilst being employed.

if a man did that to me - chatted regularly for a month, appeared keen, but refused to meet up, then dropped me saying he has a promotion, I wouldn't be impressed. I wouldn't go ballistic, but I'd think he was a time-wasting twat.

Same. I definitely wouldn't have sent the string of texts he did though - I'd have bowed out gracefully with my dignity intact, then just expressed my disappointment to friends etc instead.

@Petra28

Thanks all.

Just to answer pp, I initially was looking for a relationship. The promotion was unexpected and I really didn't think I would get it. I just want to focus on that now. Maybe I should have mentioned it to him. I do feel slightly guilty, but you have all confirmed that his reaction was over the top.

Just out of curiosity...how often were you “chatting” with him?

"Lovely to see some of the site's resident gaslighters and man pacifiers showed up promptly."

I'd rolled my eyes a couple of times before reaching this comment, with which I agreed. Reading on, coming across more of these, I felt increasingly disturbed.

Just how intense a socialisation did these women receive? To consider that chatting to someone online put you under obligation? To consider that a woman should not prioritise her career, if that prioritisation meant she would step back from getting to know a man? To consider that the feelings of a male who is, frankly, a fucking psycho, should never be hurt? Just how intense a socialisation did these women receive?

@CutePixie

I agree that his reaction was ott from only talking for a month, but if you truly wanted a relationship then you would make time. People are able to date/raise a family whilst being employed.

Quite. Including the Prime Minister in a bloody pandemic. It's just a question of priorities (and it's totally fine to prioritise work, or any other area of your life, of course - but perhaps best not to embark on OLD if your heart's not really in it).

I just don’t think you were that into him.