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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Met guy online - reaction to ending it

163 replies

Petra28 · 22/02/2021 09:06

I've been chatting for a month, mostly via text, with this guy I met via OLD. We also had a few video calls.

I'm very busy with work and just last week got a promotion that I'd been dreaming of forever.

I decided to let him know that I could no longer continue chatting, purely because I didn't want to waste his time and I wouldn't be able to commit to anything long term.

He went mental! Said I'd deceived him and sent a string of messages in a row outlining how good we'd be together and that I am causing myself misery by not giving him a chance. He is devastated apparently and it's my fault.

Should I have said something re the promotion sooner?
Or have I dodged a bullet?

OP posts:

ChancesWhatChances · 22/02/2021 12:04

@CuriousaboutSamphire I don’t identify more with his situation than hers, I’ve never been in his situation. But it is extremely shitty to start online dating, lead someone on for a month while you wait for promotion and then dump them. I have said repeatedly that does not give him an excuse to go mental at her, but her behaviour was every bit as shitty as his.

Clymene · 22/02/2021 12:06

Christ, it was a one month long chatting thing. They'd never even met.

The OP owes this guy NOTHING.

And congratulations on the promotion :)

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 22/02/2021 12:09

100% dodged a bullet! Red flags all over the place. As for the idiots defending him... maybe you could send him their way!

UnsolicitedDickPic · 22/02/2021 12:09

I don't think you led him on. You've been chatting for a month - I've had things in my fridge longer and I binned those at the end too.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/02/2021 12:10

[quote ChancesWhatChances]@CuriousaboutSamphire I don’t identify more with his situation than hers, I’ve never been in his situation. But it is extremely shitty to start online dating, lead someone on for a month while you wait for promotion and then dump them. I have said repeatedly that does not give him an excuse to go mental at her, but her behaviour was every bit as shitty as his.[/quote]
I suspect that's a semantics thing, apologies!

I don't see her behaviour as shitty, she didn't just dump him, she gave him her reasons. That's more than she had to do and was a complete explanation that was not based in his previous behaviour, nothing to do with him at all!

I cannot empathise with him at all as I don't understand his behaviour! No sympathy, he has shown himself to be a bit of a pillock!

DragonPoop · 22/02/2021 12:11

Dodged a huge bullet!

BillMasen · 22/02/2021 12:11

@ChancesWhatChances

I can understand him feeling rejected, and led on. Why does you getting a promotion mean you can no longer date him?

On the other hand, him “going mental” isn’t on. No one has the right to go mental at anyone for any reason.

Disappointed yes. Rejected and led on? Nope

I’d be disappointed to be “dumped” (I know it’s too early to call it that) due to a promotion at work, it’d show you weren’t that into me, but I’d wish you the best and move on.

His reaction is mental, so yep, bullet dodged.

BillMasen · 22/02/2021 12:13

He’d be fine to be a bit disappointed. Perhaps even as strong as “slightly miffed” but there’s no was she’s behaved badly

GreenlandTheMovie · 22/02/2021 12:14

[quote ChancesWhatChances]@CuriousaboutSamphire because I have empathy and know if someone I’d been talking to for a month - which I would view as dating, Covid being the obvious reason for not yet meeting - suddenly turned around and said they’d got a promotion so didn’t have the time for me would make me feel led on and used. Especially since the OP seems to have known about the promotion beforehand and never said anything about it. It reeks of being used for company then dropped as soon as something better came along. Still no reason for him to go mental at her, but she was just as shitty in her behaviour[/quote]
After a MONTH? Are you joking? Have you ever done OLD? It is full of men, most of them chat to multiple women at the same time, many women chat to multiple men. How do you think that would ultimately work out for the average user of online dating? Would they have to commit bigamy, just in case they made someone they barely knew not feel rejected?

Do you have any idea how strange your comments sound? Would you like to compile a list of the reasons its ok to end a relationship for that aren't "shitty"? Or aren't women allowed to end relationships in your world?

I also see absolutely no problem with telling someone they cannot continue due to a promotion. No-one has a crystal ball and knows whether they might get a promotion or not, it might involve longer hours or more travel, but its certainly more diplomatic than saying "sorry, but I've decided you're just a bit too unattractive and boring for me, so I'm going to end it here because I'm really busy at work too and I want to be single in case I meet someone hotter".

BringMeTea · 22/02/2021 12:17

Huge well done! Thank fuck you got the promotion as he has revealed himself all the sooner. Dangerous little weirdo. Onwards!

2bazookas · 22/02/2021 12:19

Dodged a MCP. Good move.

Bilgepumper · 22/02/2021 12:20

@Petra28

I've been chatting for a month, mostly via text, with this guy I met via OLD. We also had a few video calls.

I'm very busy with work and just last week got a promotion that I'd been dreaming of forever.

I decided to let him know that I could no longer continue chatting, purely because I didn't want to waste his time and I wouldn't be able to commit to anything long term.

Should I have said something re the promotion sooner?
Or have I dodged a bullet?

He’s an idiot. Move on and forget him.

Viviennemary · 22/02/2021 12:25

The double standards on here are as usual incredible. If this was a woman complaining about a man being all keen one minute and too busy because of promotion the next he'd be villified.

BringMeTea · 22/02/2021 12:26

Not after a month he wouldn't. And if any woman reacted this way THEY would rightly be vilified. Anger? Really? So inappropriate.

tara66 · 22/02/2021 12:28

If you contact him again - don't forget to let him know OLD is a lottery and he had better toughen up. Also wish him well of course and if he's still around in 6 months - 2 years etc...

Metabigot · 22/02/2021 12:29

Anyone not respectful of your agency to make a unilateral decision about the relationship or anything else for that matter is not worth the time of day.

tara66 · 22/02/2021 12:30

Viviennemary - you may not have noticed that this is mostly women on this site! We are allowed to have ''double standards'' if we want to!

DianaT1969 · 22/02/2021 12:33

I have to be honest, if a man did that to me - chatted regularly for a month, appeared keen, but refused to meet up, then dropped me saying he has a promotion, I wouldn't be impressed. I wouldn't go ballistic, but I'd think he was a time-wasting twat.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/02/2021 12:36

I don't understand why people don't understand that a promotion might affect one's spare time. Not all promotions mean sitting at the same desk for the same hours but on a higher salary. At an extreme it might mean moving countries, or travelling around the same country a lot, or working insane hours and/or being almost constantly on call. I'm thinking the second of those is most likely as OP said she "wouldn't be able to commit to anything long term".

I also suspect some of the replies were harsher than they needed to be because the line "Said I'd deceived him and sent a string of messages in a row outlining how good we'd be together" was misread as it being OP who had sent a string of messages shortly before dumping the guy. That would probably have been a bit off. As it was, it was part of the guy's post-dumping behaviour. So she ain't the shit in this scenario.

They had been talking for a month and hadn't even met in person. How on earth can anyone interpret that as owing anything, other than the common courtesy to let the guy go so that you're not stringing him along? Which is, indeed, what she did.

RubyandPearl · 22/02/2021 12:37

There are some hilarious comments on here!!

Nothing to add except have you considered getting a new identity?!

ThePlantsitter · 22/02/2021 12:41

Nothing more attractive than accusatory devastation OP, I'm surprised you could resist his reproachful wooing technique.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/02/2021 12:42

@Viviennemary

The double standards on here are as usual incredible. If this was a woman complaining about a man being all keen one minute and too busy because of promotion the next he'd be villified.

Not really. Especially if they'd only been in conact for about a month and he had been polite and explained his change in circumstances.

A woman saying she had responded as OPs OLD did would have been told to stop boiling the bunny!

Singlenotsingle · 22/02/2021 12:45

Thank your lucky stars. You got out before it was too late.

Lweji · 22/02/2021 12:45

Some people need to understand that people can get out of relationships for whatever reason when they want to.

A month is just getting to know people, not a 10 year marriage, FGS.
When we start dating anyone we don't take a long life commitment, it's just dating. Or in this case, only chatting.

BillMasen · 22/02/2021 12:45

@Viviennemary

The double standards on here are as usual incredible. If this was a woman complaining about a man being all keen one minute and too busy because of promotion the next he'd be villified.

Nah

I’m the first to call out the anti man bollocks when I see it on here (a lot) but there’s none on this thread. She was fine to stop talking, he’d have been fine to be disappointed at that but has no right to react angrily.

There’s a lot of anti man shit gets posted but trying to make out it’s here when it’s not doesn’t do us any favours when we try and point it out when it’s really happening

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