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AIBU?

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Original poster

Met guy online - reaction to ending it

163 replies

Petra28 · 22/02/2021 09:06

I've been chatting for a month, mostly via text, with this guy I met via OLD. We also had a few video calls.

I'm very busy with work and just last week got a promotion that I'd been dreaming of forever.

I decided to let him know that I could no longer continue chatting, purely because I didn't want to waste his time and I wouldn't be able to commit to anything long term.

He went mental! Said I'd deceived him and sent a string of messages in a row outlining how good we'd be together and that I am causing myself misery by not giving him a chance. He is devastated apparently and it's my fault.

Should I have said something re the promotion sooner?
Or have I dodged a bullet?

OP posts:
BrimfulOfBaba · 22/02/2021 10:36

Congratulations on the new role AND on discovering what a pillock this dude was before you spent any more time on him!

AnitaB888 · 22/02/2021 10:37

OP, this guy has a shed-load of issues. Be very glad you found out when you did.

Block, delete, move on.

Congrats on your promotion BTW

Anna12345678910 · 22/02/2021 10:38

I also noted with OLD the profiles that whine - 'why do women not go for nice guys' or 'I'm a nice guy looking for a normal woman' or any self proclaimed 'nice guys' are actually dicks.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/02/2021 10:40

I can understand him feeling rejected, and led on. Why? Seriously! Why? Not every chat or exchange of pleasantries equals committed relationship. I don't understand (never having looked at ILD) why an exchange of texts etc means a commiyment

Why does you getting a promotion mean you can no longer date him? She wasn't dating him. And because she wants to prioritise her job.

NotSeenBulling · 22/02/2021 10:42

After a month, the correct form would be to say, OK thanks and good luck.

His reaction shows how self centred he is. His first thought is for himself. If it had been nine months he might have had a point but as other PPs have said you can back out at any point with no obligation.

What a tosser. No wonder he's single. He needs to learn the old saying of don't give more of anything than you can afford to give.

Joeblack066 · 22/02/2021 10:42

Dodged. You owe him nothing.
Sounds like an incel too.
Well out of it!

Viviennemary · 22/02/2021 10:43

It's a bit mean to have let it continue for a month of intense messaging and then drop him. I think too busy is about the most feeble excuse ever.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 22/02/2021 10:44

A genuine nice guy would have congratulated you and suggested getting back in touch later if you were both still free. Congratulations anyway!

SVRT19674 · 22/02/2021 10:48

@Fuckadoodledoooo, oh no. I read your post and it resonated. I did the same when I was in my early twenties, I can´t believe it now. I didn´t look at his actions which would have told me he wasn´t on the same page as me..., that I was doing all the work in the relationship...we live and we learn (hopefully). Although I did ignore some niggling doubts I had about who became my husband, and I shouldn´t but that´s another story.

GreenlandTheMovie · 22/02/2021 10:48

@ChancesWhatChances

I can understand him feeling rejected, and led on. Why does you getting a promotion mean you can no longer date him?

On the other hand, him “going mental” isn’t on. No one has the right to go mental at anyone for any reason.

Why? If you feel "rejected and led on" by someone you've never met in person chatting to you online for a month, then yiure not capable of living in the adult world. What would have been better? For the OP to have lied, met up with him and then told him she wasn't interested? Or perhaps a whole fake relationship she didnt have time for? Maybe anyone who might ever get a job or a promotion they've applied for should put that on their profile? Just in case?

There are a lot of nutters on OLD who like blaming women. In my brief 3 weeks on it, I chatted to one man for a day anf a half. He seemed to want to chat a lot so I told him I couldn't kessage at work. I messaged him that at lunchtime, and by the time I'd checked my phone at 6pm, he'd messaged several more times, to accuse me of "contacting other men" and ". using OLD to get compliments". In the time it took me to drive home from work, he'd somehow searched one of my photos online, found my FB page and sent me messages with various accusations from the little he could see on there. This was someone who ran a business too - they were quite open about giving me its name and it checked it out, so goodness kniws when he actually dyd any work!

I told him I'd contact the police if he bothered me again, and blocked him. He was quite clearly looking for a younger woman he could control...

Catra · 22/02/2021 10:49

OP, I had a similar experience many years ago when I was internet dating.

We exchanged messages for approx. 2 weeks, not even getting to the phone or video call stage - no flirting, no promises, just talking about shared interests. Then one of my best friends died suddenly and I wasn't in the right headspace to be pursuing a relationship, especially one with someone who lived 180 miles away. I told him this and he hit the roof, accusing me of stringing him along.

I received a torrent of messages over the next few days, saying that he thought he'd won the jackpot with me and I'd trampled on his heart, that distance wasn't a problem as he would have visited every week and moved to be with me, that I'd fucked him around and he wasn't taking this shit anymore. He also tried to guilt-trip me because he worked on an oncology ward with dying patients and there I was, a time-waster sucking his emotions dry!

He then continued to message me for weeks saying he was furious. I told him it was best if he deleted my number and I would delete his.

Months later, I received a message from another number which said: 'You've got very sexy eyes'. I didn't recognise the number and he was the last thing on my mind so I asked who it was. He responded: It's CF, as if you didn't know. I really want to kiss you.

WTF? Complete u-turn with no apology or anything! Oh and CF is his real initials, but very apt in this instance!

Prior to me drawing a line under things he came across as such a well-adjusted, respectful person who had his shit together. Bullet well and truly dodged!!

HOkieCOkie · 22/02/2021 10:49

You dodged a bullet what a nut. Same thing happened to me a guy I was chatting to started a new job and said he was sorry but he couldn’t focus etc and I was a bit disappointed but I said fair enough g lol matching online isn’t a binding contract haha

SVRT19674 · 22/02/2021 10:49

OP congrats on your promotion, and you have done the right thing. Best of luck.

ktp100 · 22/02/2021 10:51

Finding love via ODD - the odds are good but the goods are odd!!

And yet I'm marrying mine.

We're both odd, tho Grin

ktp100 · 22/02/2021 10:51

Should be OLD.

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/02/2021 10:52

Of course YANBU OP. Congratulations on your promotion and getting rid of a psycho nice guy in the process.

You're clearly a whiz at multitasking @Petra28.Grin

Sparklfairy · 22/02/2021 10:53

@ktp100

Should be OLD.
Based on my experience, ODD is more accurate! Grin
flappityflippers1 · 22/02/2021 10:53

@BrumBoo

Dodged a nuke more like it! Block him, do not engage further. Nothing more worrying than a man that explodes at being told no....
^ this
SaltyTootsieToes · 22/02/2021 10:56

I don’t see how a promotion at work means you can’t have a relationship.

What I can understand if for some other reasons, whatever reasons, you didn’t want to carry on with this man and you ended it, then his reaction is extreme. Of course you can end a relationship if you see no future. So dodged a bullet there.

But I do think using a promotion only as a reason is also odd.

NotSeenBulling · 22/02/2021 10:56

He actually said that you would be causing yourself misery by not getting with him? He has ten bob each way on himself doesn't he?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/02/2021 10:57

@shavenraven

Try not to waste anybody else's time. You say you're going to be busy and bin off the guy and then say you want to continue with old

You sound like you don't know what you want

OP didn't waste anyone's time. Her circumstances changed - and it's not as though he'd invested financially or even emotionally in the relationship.
feistyoneyouare · 22/02/2021 10:58

Wow, he's really shown you who he is. If he was a good guy he'd have been understanding and congratulated you on your promotion like normal people do. He also sounds like he's got way too full-on too soon, never a good sign.

Covidweddingday · 22/02/2021 10:59

Yes, massive bullet dodged. Even if suddenly deciding that you are too busy to date him has hurt his feelings (which is fair enough), his reaction is ridiculous. He's not in control of his own emotions. Please block him and don't try and reason with his madness.

Bubbletube · 22/02/2021 11:05

Run for the hills!

52andblue · 22/02/2021 11:14

@torquewench

You know the thing they used in Star Wars to blow up a planet? Thats the amount of ordnance youve dodged.
THIS! (excellent post @torquewench!)

And, Congrats on your promotion!!

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