Met guy online - reaction to ending it

[Petra28]

I've been chatting for a month, mostly via text, with this guy I met via OLD. We also had a few video calls.

I'm very busy with work and just last week got a promotion that I'd been dreaming of forever.

I decided to let him know that I could no longer continue chatting, purely because I didn't want to waste his time and I wouldn't be able to commit to anything long term.

He went mental! Said I'd deceived him and sent a string of messages in a row outlining how good we'd be together and that I am causing myself misery by not giving him a chance. He is devastated apparently and it's my fault.

Should I have said something re the promotion sooner?
Or have I dodged a bullet?

Lovely to see some of the site's resident gaslighters and man pacifiers showed up promptly.

How is talking with someone wasting their time - unless you see communication with a woman - sorry, female - as something to be endured on his side until the female eventually pays out in the form of sex.

And it is the case that if she liked him more she could probably have juggled work and him - but she doesn't. That's even more reason to break it off, not less

Whether online or IRL you don't ever have to justify ending a one month 'relationship'. The guy is a nutter.

We should all break up once with people we are dating just to get a measure of their true nature.

Now you definitely have a good reason to dump him, even if work alone could be debatable.

@CuriousaboutSamphire because I have empathy and know if someone I’d been talking to for a month - which I would view as dating, Covid being the obvious reason for not yet meeting - suddenly turned around and said they’d got a promotion so didn’t have the time for me would make me feel led on and used. Especially since the OP seems to have known about the promotion beforehand and never said anything about it. It reeks of being used for company then dropped as soon as something better came along. Still no reason for him to go mental at her, but she was just as shitty in her behaviour

Lovely to see some of the site's resident gaslighters and man pacifiers showed up promptly.

Absolutely. How dare someone change their mind? And for a mere career - if you put in a bit more effort you could keep your man happy and have your job (in that order of priority, naturally).

He showed interest in you (where's your gratitude?!) and you'd been chatting online for a month so your obligation to him is now all-encompassing and permanent. Of course he was angry, you'd strung him along and stamped all over his heart, you strumpetly jezebel.

Jeez

why were bothering to engage in OLD if you weren’t looking for a relationship

Yes, I expect this is something men say to each other all the time too.

[quote ChancesWhatChances]@CuriousaboutSamphire because I have empathy and know if someone I’d been talking to for a month - which I would view as dating, Covid being the obvious reason for not yet meeting - suddenly turned around and said they’d got a promotion so didn’t have the time for me would make me feel led on and used. Especially since the OP seems to have known about the promotion beforehand and never said anything about it. It reeks of being used for company then dropped as soon as something better came along. Still no reason for him to go mental at her, but she was just as shitty in her behaviour[/quote]
She was just as shitty in her behaviour

WTAF?

Yikes !!

Well done on both counts

congratulations on your promotion OP and also on your decision to prioritise you own needs.

1. I really hope you have maintained some degree of anonymity and that he can't figure out who and where you are
2. I've read that when contemplating a relationship with a man you should try saying 'no' to him and see how he reacts. Good advice, and your experience proves it, so thanks for the real life example.

Don’t reposed. Block him and you have done nothing wrong he is angry as you have made the decision not him you are not wanting to continue and that’s absolutely fine (silly lady don’t you know your place)

Agree I bet he claims he is Mr Nice Guy well he isn’t

He had a tantrum because he “invested” a month and never got sex.

Bullet dodged.

Congrats on your promotion. You don't want wankers like him in your life.

[quote ChancesWhatChances]@CuriousaboutSamphire because I have empathy and know if someone I’d been talking to for a month - which I would view as dating, Covid being the obvious reason for not yet meeting - suddenly turned around and said they’d got a promotion so didn’t have the time for me would make me feel led on and used. Especially since the OP seems to have known about the promotion beforehand and never said anything about it. It reeks of being used for company then dropped as soon as something better came along. Still no reason for him to go mental at her, but she was just as shitty in her behaviour[/quote]
I don't agree. Circumstances change and a month isn't dating.

"Sorry I'm not that into you" is preferable to some credibility-stretching reason about being promoted. Still the dumpee has to take it with grace.

The OP would be unreasonable if she had ghosted him. But she told him that she wouldn't be available for a relationship and didn't string him along because she wasn't interested enough to pursue the relationship despite the promotion.

The OP is just "not that into him". And that's fine. Absolutely fine.

You totally dodged a bullet - but I really don’t get why a promotion would preclude you from dating.

Obviously you just weren’t that into him - and while you didn’t have to say that to him - you can own it in your own mind.

if you said you were looking for a relationship maybe its upset him that its ended but theres no need to g mental at you

He sounds like a lunatic, dodged a bullet!!!

So, it's been one month of chatting, and OP's circumstances have changed, so she's decided not to continue.

Yet some of the responses here are treating this as if she's broken the heart of a long-term partner.

She doesn't owe him anything, she politely ended this.

Good grief- it’s only been a few weeks and you haven’t even met - he needs to calm tf down! Bullet dodged. I had a guy do this on online dating - had chatted in no real depth for about 2-3 weeks, spoke once on the phone and then he went batshit when I said it wasn’t feeling quite right for me. String of angry messages in capitals shouting BLOCKED DELETED OVER. Imagine a year from now doing anything that these men didn’t like?!

because I have empathy no you identify more with his situation than the OPs. You sympathise with him.

You have zero empathy with her!

And that's not how empathy works.

I'd say you have dodged a bullet. I dont think you needed to tell anyone up front about a promotion - in the early days isn't it meant to be quite light? His reaction was very OTT as well - you cant be responsible for his overinvestment if you haven't ever actually met?

I joined FB dating last week just to see I guess if it works - I've always hated the idea but friends kept telling me I might find someone nice.

I got a message from someone who was local, and we had a mutual FB friend in common so I replied to a few messages. By the 5th, he was telling me I was amazing, the next one said should we add each other on FB and lets meet up asap and see what happens, I then went to bed and woke up to a few more messages saying how brill it would be and that he'd happily be a father figure to my kids.

I sent a quick, "not sure I am ready for online dating, hope you meet someone really nice" and deleted my profile. It reminded me so much of when I met my ex, and how full on he was and that marriage ended very badly :( I felt quite bad, but it was just way too much way too soon

If a woman behaved like this she would be called a bunny boiler and be laughed at. I suggest you do the same!