To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

I’m so sorry that this happened to you and your son. I can’t imagine the pain that you must be in. I have no advice, other than to hold on to the hope that he will seek you out once able.

I’m sorry you’ve experienced this, it sounds horrendous.
Are there any avenues you can explore? Your M.P. or a solicitor (though I know anything involving lawyers is expensive).

A decade ago? So 2010?

I've sat on my hands and considered taking legal action but I truly don't think I would get anywhere as adoption is for life. The best bet I have, which would probably cause the A.F to stop contact completely, is to try and file some motion to change the conditions of our contact agreement to increase the letters perhaps.

To the delightful voters who think I'm unreasonable, please tell me why.

Is it because you've concluded I simply must be a bad person? Is it because, to you, the authorities can do no wrong?

Is it because people like me are collateral and don't matter, only the adoptive families feelings are important?

That sounds really painful op, believe me being an adopter isn't a bad of roses either and SS don't care about the bio parents or the adoptive parents. Their only concern is the best interests of the child.

@RapunzelHadExtensions

A decade ago? So 2010?

Almost yes. I'm being vague for obvious reasons.

@sqirrelfriends

That sounds really painful op, believe me being an adopter isn't a bad of roses either and SS don't care about the bio parents or the adoptive parents. Their only concern is the best interests of the child.

I have no ill will toward the adopters, they sound like lovely people.

The contact agreement and all of the trauma that comes from that is the fault of the social services and local authority adoption team.

I think it must be very difficult for you and I think it’s brilliant that you have managed to turn your life around. I also think that your ds is the most important one here and it would be very difficult for a child to comprehend fully about their own adoption and the reasons behind it and it would be unsettling and confusing being told how much they are loved etc.

It sounds really painful for you, but as an adopted person, I think it would have been really confusing to have contact with my birth family as a child.

Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

He's got a mum.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I want any contact with my birth family. I have a family who love me, and never felt like I needed more.

*don't want any contact!

@Thesearmsofmine

I think it must be very difficult for you and I think it’s brilliant that you have managed to turn your life around. I also think that your ds is the most important one here and it would be very difficult for a child to comprehend fully about their own adoption and the reasons behind it and it would be unsettling and confusing being told how much they are loved etc.

I appreciate what you're saying.

FWIW I wouldn't advocate telling him why he was adopted myself. Irrespective of how I feel about the situation, that isn't his burden to carry.

However I don't think it's in his best interest to be kept away from his mother and siblings who pose no risk to him at all.

He knows he's adopted and he knows who I am.

From what I know of abusive relationships and the blame heaped on mothers for being in one (then the total lack of assistance in leaving and staying out - followed by forced contact with the father for both child and indirectly the mother) ... I believe you.

I can absolutely believe something like this would happen and our family court and social services systems really are going to be seen as a shocking disgrace in decades to come.

OP

He's got a mum

He has two, and his biological one is just as capable of loving him as the other.

I don't want any contact with my birth family. I have a family who love me, and never felt like I needed more

Well that is incredibly saddening to me. I can only hope he doesn't feel the same.

What Thesearmsofmine said.

Obviously we don't know you, and we don't know the whole story around your child's adoption with information from all sides, but, overwhelmingly in the many child protection cases I've been involved with over many many years, the birth parents are given so many more chances than I feel is right, or in the best interests of the child.

I haven't voted, but I wouldn't be surprised if people who are saying YABU are commenting from their own experiences. Or the experience of having their adopted child completely emotionally disrupted by the whole contact with birth mother experience they have to go through each year.

@PicsInRed

From what I know of abusive relationships and the blame heaped on mothers for being in one (then the total lack of assistance in leaving and staying out - followed by forced contact with the father for both child and indirectly the mother) ... I believe you.

I can absolutely believe something like this would happen and our family court and social services systems really are going to be seen as a shocking disgrace in decades to come.

OP

Thank you so much.

It means the world to be listened to and believed.

Maybe (understandably) the majority of people have a preconceived idea of birth parents and how they must be bad people for the child not to be with them.

I can only speak for myself a handful of others I've been in contact with, but that's certainly not the case.

We are tarred with the same brush as hard drug users and people who neglect and hurt their children

I have no advice, I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you, I can't imagine how painful that must be.

@SpringHasSprung20

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

I'd be taking this shit to court. Especially if your current ss will back you up.

In the gentlest way possible, I don’t think they can be held responsible for the problems with keeping him a secret etc. You’re choosing that for your children.

You say he should know that he’s loved by his mum. He has a mum. You’re his biological mother, but he has a mum who loves him every day. So he is loved.

I’m sorry that you miss him but to be brutally honest, you’re only thinking of yourself and your sense of loss. There’s no reason to think he hasn’t got a happy, healthy, full and loving life.

He might seek you out when he’s older.

I didn't mean the gin bottle, it was supposed to be flowers, OP!

the birth parents are given so many more chances than I feel is right, or in the best interests of the child

Well that's not my experience.

They didn't give any indication that they were planning to remove him until I was 36 weeks pregnant and refused to support me relocating at 20 weeks pregnant, to get away from the father, because it would "disrupt the assessment"

Never mind plenty of chances, I didn't get one.

They messed up.

Are you allowed to write to his adoptive parents? Perhaps if you write to them and explain how you have turned your life around and that you miss your son etc and that he has siblings they will be able to communicate that to him outside of the normal annual letter contact if they think it would be beneficial for him to know that information.

You could ask them for permission to be allowed to send birthday cards.

Surely they know him best and know whether receiving birthday cards and knowing about his siblings etc would be good for him or not. Social services just apply blanket rules because they don’t know the children as individuals in the same way as the adults raising the child knows that child.

@IAmFleshIAmBone

I didn't mean the gin bottle, it was supposed to be flowers, OP!

I'll take the gin bottle, I could do with one after posting this. It takes alot

And I do believe it takes a lot for a child to be removed and adopted out.

From what I know of abusive relationships and the blame heaped on mothers for being in one (then the total lack of assistance in leaving and staying out - followed by forced contact with the father for both child and indirectly the mother) ... I believe you.

I believe you too