To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

I am sorry for your experience

I have adopted family members, ones who were adopted against the will of their birth mothers.

50 years later, it is the ‘child’ that has suffered the most. They have a deep wound that is hard to heal - one that they have carried around for their whole lives, knowing they were adopted. I know it makes intuitive sense to ‘adopt a child’ but the psychological burden on that child from the knowledge of an ‘unnatural’ separation can be very difficult to shake off. In your case it doesn’t seem justified, fostering would surely have been more appropriate. But it’s done now and I’m not sure what you can do that would actually be in the interest of your son.

I agree that you probably don’t have any choice but not to disrupt him right now. Keep the cards, keep the diaries, write the letters when you can.

Here is something from the perspective of an adoptive mum. Im sorry you went through this OP. I think it varies from agency to agency and also the choice of the adoptive parents as to what they will accept. My son is four now and has been with us since three months. His birth mum and countless other birth mums like you and her seem to have been battling to get away from their partner. My son has the consequences of lots of pre-birth trauma to deal with and has many siblings to the same parents each child has their own things to deal with. We chose to have the totally unedited letters feom his birth mum becasue I am a fiem believer in telling him the whole truth. I sont ever want him to think that he wasn't loved.
I certainly don't feel that my position as his mum is threatened. Children have an amazing capacity for love. How many children have step parents and special others in their lives who they love just as much as their parents. Please believe me when I say you will get no mileage from a solicitor or any kind of legal processes. You will also get no mileage feom your MP. Your sons adoptive parents have full parental responsibility for him so no couet in the land could force any kind of contact. I am sorry you feel you havr been wronged and wiah you all the best. Keep writing to him, he may want to speak with you when he turns 18 and its always good to feel that he has some line of contact prior to meeting you.

I’m currently an “approved carer” for a little girl who should be adopted in April. She’s the fourth child to be removed from her parents in the last three years. They've appealed at every turn, and social services have changed their minds so much that I have no idea how my friend is still going ahead; to be honest. These parents have lost all of their children through benign neglect. They’re now arguing over contact... we’ve been told standard is four times a year, supervised. They want monthly visits... I can see why, but right now; the little girl is 18 months old and cries throughout the visits. She doesn’t sleep afterwards. It’s brutal on everyone. It sounds like the current system is very different to the one that you went through... i hoped that might provide some comfort.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

But on that point, it very much depends. I grew up in foster care, a lot of the kids there didn’t like meeting their parents, they felt that they hadn’t been “enough”.

That might not be the case for you and your son, but I don’t think it’s as clear as saying any adopted child would want more contact. Some aren’t ready for that until they’re much older.

Do you have any routes to request a review, or is this all finalised now? Does anyone else in your family get to meet with him?

I do feel for you, massively. My experiences have all been from the other side - I was constantly returned to my parents despite not wanting to be, with my sisters - but it’s rough all round and it sounds like you’ve ended up with quite a strong agreement for minimal contact.

I believe you, OP, and I’m so very sorry

I hope your son seeks you out when he’s older and you get to resume a relationship with him.

@Cidley

You are very right. Birth mothers aren’t treated well. Society is uncomfortable with them and services for them are very limited.

I am a birth mother and I am adopted. I have had no contact with my birth child. I made peace with the child not being mine. I am their birth mother but not their mother. I wanted them to see their adoptive parents as mum because that is what they needed and that’s what they are. Most children in a good adoption are happy and settled. It’s enough for them to know that they had a birth mum who loved them but couldn’t bring them up at the time.

That’s not enough for you and that’s understandable. It’s a huge thing to live with. The conflict is that if you have a child who doesn’t seem you out then that is usually a good sign of a happy adoption - the very thing you most want for them.

I wish you some strength as you deal with this. When your child is 18 you can ask social services to approach them and to see if they want contact. Prepare for this now, again it’s a huge thing to do and if your child doesn’t contact you then waiting may well be a better path in the long term. I didn’t request contact. I don’t plan to.

I really admire your strength. Thank you for posting.

Over the years I've reached acceptance to a degree. I accept that at the time, as social services had no intention of supporting me, the best thing for him was to be taken to live with somebody else.

I've accepted that he has another mum who he loves and I'm happy about that.

I just can't accept the injustice, how I was treat and how I'm continued to be treat now by such stringent and barbaric (to me) restrictions on any indirect contact.

OP, ultimately you have very little ability or power here to change the status quo. Whether your son’s removal from your care was justified or not, that was a decade ago and the contact you’re able to have now is a separate matter.

You can’t change this, it’s based on what the people who know him believe to be in his best interests. I highly recommend seeking therapy or counselling to help you to cope with this immense loss as it is clearly eating you alive and it will continue to do so it sounds like. You deserve support to find a way to be at peace with how things are now

I think the prohibition on language that indicates emotional attachment is reasonable. You shouldn’t tell him you love him because it will make it harder for him to choose not to have anything to do with you when he’s older if he thinks his life will be better that way. I assume that’s hard to hear, and I’m really sorry about that. It does sound like you were badly let down when you were younger and I’m glad you’ve been able to build a good life. But the mistakes of the past shouldn’t impact the best for your son, now and I think that’s the crux of it. He has a life without you and his life will be better if he doesn’t feel emotionally pulled between his current life and a life with you. That doesn’t mean he won’t want to get to know you when he’s older, just that, for his sake, that decision should not be emotionally coerced and telling him about your feelings for him would be emotionally coercive at this stage. When he’s older he’ll be better able to process the ambiguities and tensions involved and not feel responsible.

I understand how hard it is for you and from your point of view it feels cruel. However from the point of view of someone who cares for children that have been removed from their parents. They often find it very painful to hear about siblings and wonder what THEY did wrong to be the one in care etc. In the case of very young children the birth family are often strangers to the children. As much as that hurts the parents the child doesn’t always want to speak to, write to or see them in the same way any children wouldn’t want to spend time with someone they don’t know and can’t remember and that’s perfectly understandable. For older children they feel a sense of torn loyalty and struggle with that. They have ‘new’ adoptive parents who they love and they also have birth parents. They often feel like loving one set of parents will hurt the other and this can cause a lot of emotional upset for them. I understand and sympathise with how hard this is for you but try and see it from the point of view of your son and his new parents also x

@Hotzenplotz

I'm so sorry OP.

My sister's story is very similar to yours, except her kids were adopted a few years earlier.

As soon as the eldest turned 18, she found my sister via social media.

Hugs to you.

This has made me cry happy tears.

I would give anything to know that day will come for me.

I'm so happy for your sister x

[quote OhCaptain]@Cissyandflora OP cited her dc needing to keep their sibling a secret as one of her grievances. My point is that she’s choosing that for them. SS can’t be blamed for that.

OP puts me in mind of a notorious woman here in Ireland who is determined to paint herself as a victim of social services.

To listen to her you’d think they were monsters. A little digging however reveals that they are 100% right in their dealings with her.

It’s easy for birth parents to have a very skewed view of things. Perhaps understandable but not in the best interest of the child.[/quote]

OP said she has to keep her DC secret from her adopted DS, not the other way around. She isn't allowed to mention her DC in the letters. She's not chosen that.

OP cited her dc needing to keep their sibling a secret as one of her grievances. My point is that she’s choosing that for them. SS can’t be blamed for that

Perhaps I wasn't clear, I'll elaborate.

My children here know about their brother, my birth sons family have decided they don't want to tell him that he has siblings.

@Emeraldshamrock

OP as awful as it is you have to let go, he has his family now. Concentrate on the DC you have, this has to be affecting them they'll live in wonder about him forever. He may never look for you my friend is 45 she has no interest in reconnecting with her birth mother. Don't waste years on something that may never happen.

I can't let it go. I'll carry it with me until my last breath

OP one day he may come looking for you and whilst he deserves to know the full story and will be an adult then - remember that he is coming from a loving home and I really hope for your sake you can let go of some of the anger you hold so you can embrace and nurture a relationship with your then adult son. It wont be possible when you (rightfully) hold this resentment for how you were treated.

I was adopted and recently got in touch with my BM so I would say that he will probably find you. I do think what they are doing is in his best interest though. He’s being raised by two people who are not his biological parents and that leaves its mark no matter how happy it is. They are just trying to protect him. You are seeing it from your side because that’s the only view of it you have. He’s not your son in that you don’t get to decide what’s right for him. He is theirs and they are doing what they think is best and social services is advocating for all of you. That doesn’t mean it’s not shit and I completely empathise an I hope that one day you will see him again. I have a good relationship with my BM now, we talk daily and get on well, that said, she is not my mum and I will never feel like she is even though I no longer speak to my adopted mum. Your relationship will always be different.l

Ah sorry that is clearer.

@SendMeHome

I’m currently an “approved carer” for a little girl who should be adopted in April. She’s the fourth child to be removed from her parents in the last three years. They've appealed at every turn, and social services have changed their minds so much that I have no idea how my friend is still going ahead; to be honest. These parents have lost all of their children through benign neglect. They’re now arguing over contact... we’ve been told standard is four times a year, supervised. They want monthly visits... I can see why, but right now; the little girl is 18 months old and cries throughout the visits. She doesn’t sleep afterwards. It’s brutal on everyone. It sounds like the current system is very different to the one that you went through... i hoped that might provide some comfort.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

But on that point, it very much depends. I grew up in foster care, a lot of the kids there didn’t like meeting their parents, they felt that they hadn’t been “enough”.

That might not be the case for you and your son, but I don’t think it’s as clear as saying any adopted child would want more contact. Some aren’t ready for that until they’re much older.

Do you have any routes to request a review, or is this all finalised now? Does anyone else in your family get to meet with him?

I do feel for you, massively. My experiences have all been from the other side - I was constantly returned to my parents despite not wanting to be, with my sisters - but it’s rough all round and it sounds like you’ve ended up with quite a strong agreement for minimal contact.

That's not benign neglect, it's neglect. Benign neglect is when you let them do it for themselves for their own benefit. The benign means harmless.

@ittakes2

I am sorry this must be awful for you. But I think you said it yourself in your sentence "Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum". It's likely he does get a card from his mum - his adopted mum. You quite clearly want him back - and everyone would understand that you do. I would. But having an adopted mum plus a bilogical mum who wants him back would leave him with feelings that at his age would be too tricky for him to navigate. I think your idea of buying a card for him each year is so lovely. Send these to him when he is 18 and ask him to see you so you can explain your story and how much you did want him.

This.

A friend {Catholic} gave her baby up for adoption at birth just the cusp of 16.....and missed him so much .
She had no idea where he went, but it grieved her so badly.

I hope that he has made contact now he is over 18.

A chap I know had what I thought was his sister at a party.....they looked soo similar
But no, she was his mum....she had him at 14, and he was given up for adoption at birth.

They found each other, supported by his lovely adoptive parents when he was of age.

It probably is only fair to be led by your son, who is the Adoptive mother's son , too. But adoptive parents, particularly of tiny babies tend to form a very close bond.
The bond can be more traumatic for the child if years of foster care have happened..that is so tough for children.

@hamstersarse

I am sorry for your experience

I have adopted family members, ones who were adopted against the will of their birth mothers.

50 years later, it is the ‘child’ that has suffered the most. They have a deep wound that is hard to heal - one that they have carried around for their whole lives, knowing they were adopted. I know it makes intuitive sense to ‘adopt a child’ but the psychological burden on that child from the knowledge of an ‘unnatural’ separation can be very difficult to shake off. In your case it doesn’t seem justified, fostering would surely have been more appropriate. But it’s done now and I’m not sure what you can do that would actually be in the interest of your son.

I agree that you probably don’t have any choice but not to disrupt him right now. Keep the cards, keep the diaries, write the letters when you can.

Thank you for this.

I agree with you completely.

Coincidentally, I consented to him being fostered. I didn't try to oppose that. I wanted him safe whilst I got away from his dad.

His foster mother (an experienced woman who had been doing her job for over a decade) tried her hardest to support me getting him back as she didn't agree with SS plans to put him up for adoption, she even asked the social worker to agree to a mother and baby placement where I would go and live with her and my son.

Social services weren't prepared to look at any other possibility than adoption, that was their plan from the very start (a view she shared herself)

Keep faith OP.
It is unfortunate you didn't get the support to leave your abuser.
Many women have lost their DC as a result of an abusive partner.
The safety of the DC comes first, if the victim can't protect herself they'll take baby.
How old was he at adoption? Did they get involved during the pregnancy? Did they give you any time or opportunity to leave your ex from involvement to adoption?

I am really sorry this happened to you, and I believe you about the circumstances surrounding his removal.

Have you ever had any counselling around this situation?

However, as tough as this sounds, increased contact is not always in the child's best interests. Regardless of what was ordered by court, adoptive parents can opt out of contact at any time.

The fact that there is a delay in receiving replies suggests that maybe your child does not find contact with you easy. The excuse around protocol may actually cover for the fact that your child doesn't want increased contact or birthday cards from you, or his parents may feel it's not in his best interests.

You could spend a lot of energy and time fighting this, to end up worse off than you were before because you've heard things that cause you pain, or the parents cut contact entirely.

That energy might be better put into activities to help you better cope with the situation. It must be incredibly tough for you, and I'm sorry you've been put in this situation.

I think you're romanticising (for want of a better word) how he will feel about your letters if they're unedited OP. He's probably not going to enjoy hearing about his bio siblings, he's probably going to be confused and hurt over why he was the one given away and they got to stay. He's probably not going to feel reassured that you love and miss him, he's probably going to start questioning why he was taken, resenting his adoptive parents for taking him away, etc.

I can't even comprehend the hurt you've experienced, but there is reasons why those seemingly strict rules are in place. Every child has differing emotions on their adoption, and unfortunately you won't find out his until he's 18 and can choose for himself.

We chose to have the totally unedited letters from his birth mum becasue I am a firm believer in telling him the whole truth. I don't ever want him to think that he wasn't loved

You have my complete respect.

Your post makes for devastating reading OP and I can only feel for you

Having done 11 years of this, you are over halfway and I strongly suggest applying to Long Lost Family should it still be on in 2028.

I would be as desperate as you in the same scenario so I have no intention of criticising you...

I am saddened for you, however, child services remove for the safety of the child.

I have heard many a victim story when it was absolutely the right course of action.

Have you had any professional help? It does sound like you do need professional input to live your life, rather being trapped in the past. That isn’t good for you at all, it also has the potential to cause problems for your children.

I’m an adopter, my sons birth mum has featured in the press because her children were illegally stolen, in reality her older birth children have needs that are so complex (because of her actions) they have prevented adoption and longterm stability, her youngest birth son nearly died at her hands. She has had further children who were thankfully removed at birth.

Many adopted children find letter box contact very traumatic, they are the priority, not the birth parents and not the parents. I had a few pictures of my sons birth mum on our photoboard until recently, he now knows a few more details about her as he asked about certain aspects of his body, he then started to express that he didn’t like the pictures so they have been taken down. He also for now dislikes the pages of his life story with her picture. If he received a card from her that would cause significant issues for him, retraumatising a child is very very damaging. I used to have to take him to monthly contact sessions, it was awful, afterwards he would take over a week to settle again, to this day he hates the car as he associates it with those visits.