To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

I imagine if you had left the situation, or made steps to, then you would not have had him taken away. It was not social services role to help you, only to protect your child

I wanted to leave at 20 weeks pregnant and asked my social worker to support me in doing so, support meaning give me the go ahead that it wasn't going to cause problems with them as they were assessing. I was good to go.

She told me not to relocate because it would disrupt their assessment.

The same woman told me they weren't looking to remove my baby.

They set me up to fail.

@AliceMcK sealed court records and ‘gag orders’ are to protect the confidentiality and dignity of the child.

Sounds like when people complain family courts are ‘shrouded in secrecy’: yes, proceedings are very private as there’s a minor involved who has the legal right to expect their personal information be protected from public view.

Just a suggestion OP, set up an email address for him and email him often. If you and he are in contact when he is an adult, you can give him the login info and he can read everything. Your other children could also email him.
Changes are he is loved and cherished by his adoptive parents. You said yourself that they sound lovely. I hope that this at least brings you some comfort.

But why would they essentially trick you into staying with

This has just made me really sad. I have no idea how social services believe it’s fair to treat you like that. They really do go from being absolutely shit to pathetic beyond belief.

I have no advise. I’m sorry. I’m just really sorry that this happened to you x

Sorry - with someone abusive so they could steal your baby?!

I do think you should speak to a solicitor who might even help you get the answers you want. Because your situation, as you currently understand it, just doesn’t make sense!

@TheCatThatGotTheCream

The authorities can and do do wrong. A member of my family had dealings with SS in regards to their child and I absolutely could not believe the way they operated. I'm sure they do lots of good but on this occasion, it was blatantly wrong.

I'm so sorry to hear of your heartache. Hopefully he will come looking for you in a few years and you can start anew.

SS really shouldn’t have been sharing information with you about the details of the case. It was a massive breach of confidentiality on their part if they did.

And if they didn’t, surely you understand that you are only hearing one side of the story?

Not many abusive or neglectful parents share the details of their abuse or neglect dispassionately with their loved ones. Many aren’t able to see their own failings. Many more for obvious reasons don’t want to.

Apologies op I've not read all the replies to you so don't know if this has already been said but:
Why should you be able to keep the photo? I know I sound brutal but it only takes a minute on Facebook to see the groups set up by birth families begging them to find their children using any photos theyve got. How do they know you won't do that?
My adopted son would struggle massively at his age (and emotional age) to deal with his birth mom sending him presents and cards at times when he already finds massively difficult.
To know his birth mom did enough to keep two further siblings but not to keep him (I am not saying this is you but it is my As) for her to say she loves him still would out him under pressure on how he should feel to her.
Had you left your abusive partner by the time he was removed?
The life story of your son (and mine) is his to unravel in his own time and unfortunately you have to accept this.

@HappyasLaura

Just a suggestion OP, set up an email address for him and email him often. If you and he are in contact when he is an adult, you can give him the login info and he can read everything. Your other children could also email him. Changes are he is loved and cherished by his adoptive parents. You said yourself that they sound lovely. I hope that this at least brings you some comfort.

I really like this thought

But the op has stated that current social workers were horrified by what had happened to her. It’s all very well saying no child is adopted without all these hoops to jump through but this happened to her. Mistakes are made - in health, education and social care, and when resources are so limited, the cheapest option isn’t always what’s best or fairest. The victims can pay a huge price.

I'd say OP what you are suffering is PTSD, and I'd definitely say get a specialist counsellor to help you through this. I am adopted, I've been supported to find my birth parents - I found my mother 30+ years ago and my father last year; I did this via specialist intermediaries (like the sort that work with LLF). I was glad I tried but so far there haven't been any happy reunions.

Its funny though isnt it, we all watch Long Lost Families every week its a very popular programme, many of the mothers on there had children removed when they were teenagers, without their consent - that seems to be a clear theme. Funny how Davina doesn't come on first and say come off it you KNOW it was in the child's best interests, bet you're lying etc.

Maybe that wouldn't be as popular.

Some birth parents are abusive, some adoptive parents are abusive. Some adoptees want to find their birth parents, some couldnt care less. What matters here is that the OP has suffered the most appalling injustice and she will feel the pain of that for years - exactly like the lovely cuddly birth mums Davina meets on LLF; their pain is tangible. All they ever want to know is was it a good adoption, did I do the right thing (bearing in mind most never had a choice). As I say, I strongly believe you need specialist counselling to decide if you can live with this or if you have no choice but to live with it. for you.

@OhCaptain

And I do believe it takes a lot for a child to be removed and adopted out.

100% this. We all have to remember we're only hearing the OP's side of the story. Most of the time, SS don't take children away from birth parents soon enough (as it's an absolute last resort) so the fact the OP had her baby taken away means something very very serious happened and safety measures put in place to retain the baby in her care, were not complied with (and she would have been told by SS that it would have meant her baby being placed into care if they were not heeded).

Sorry OP, I know you've posted this for sympathy but SS has to look at what's best for the child, not you. It's in the child's best interests not to have his life and emotions disrupted even more, now that he's settled and stable with his adoptive family. When he's an adult, if he wants to, he can establish a relationship with you.

This thread has made me feel so sad. If what you are saying is 100% true then I am so sorry this has happened to you OP.

In all honesty though I think in moving forwards the only thing you can do is hope that he contacts you at 18. Could you write your own versions of the letters (unedited), extra birthday cards, letters about important parts of your life and store it all ready to give to him. You might have to accept that he doesn’t chose to make contact but I suppose that could be because he had a settled childhood and wouldn’t want to disrupt anything. That could change in the future maybe when he has his own children.

I can’t imagine not living with one of my children and it’s so sad to think that you were punished for being in an abusive relationship.

I can well believe you on what happened.
A friend had dealings with SS. In the end she educated herself on every law and legal case about child adoption and saw through their lies and traps.
I wonder how many adopted children when they grow up and find out the circumstances of their forced adoption look at their adoptive parents differently and end up with a more strained relationship with the people who brought the children up as they find and connect with their birth families.
If I were to adopt I would want to know exactly what happened to result in the removal of the child and not just from a social workers point of view. Otherwise you could be investing 18 years into a child that could walk out and never look back.

Adoptive parent here: it sounds like you are being treated horribly. I wonder if the adoptive parents of your son know know what your are asking for re birthday cards, photos. We accept birthday cards for our child and we send photos of them every year to birth parents. We talk about them to our child regularly. By normalising the conversation they know that they can ask questions whenever they want. We think in the long term that's going to be mentally healthier for t

Can you not request that the contact contract is reviewed and renegotiat

In my experience social services is staffed my exactly the type of person I wouldn't trust to look after my teddy bear's interests.

I totally agree with you OP

I have a friend who was adopted as a young child, she's now in her 30s and hasn't contacted her birth family at all. She says she has a family and it's not the one that gave birth to her. Her Birth Mother tried to contact her via Facebook a few years ago and she blocked her without replying to the message.

She has contact with 2 siblings who were adopted by other adopted parents but not with the sibling who stayed with her parents.

She's a lovely, well rounded woman who considers her parents to be the ones who adopted her.

Please don't pin hope on him contacting you or your DC, he may never want to.

I hope you find peace, I've had dealings with SS and it can seem like they're targetting you or not giving you a chance.

It must be incredibly hard to know you have a biological child in the world but you don't "know" them as such.
Best wishes to you, OP.

I am sorry for your loss OP but your experience isn't the only one and as an adopter, we felt SS were much more on the side of BM than us. Her parents had had so many chances before she went into FC and still made no changes. She came to us but they were allowed to contest it again and again despite the fact that she had made no changes to be able to parent DD. In fact, what she did do, was get pregnant again. Thank fully, she kept that baby but it also means I have to explain to my child when she is older that her BM couldn't make the changes for her, but she did do it less than 6 months later for another child.

This is why I believe long term fostering is a better alternative to adoption.

In my case, I couldn't make and most importantly sustain adequate changes within 6 months. Even though I had left, there wasn't enough time to evidence that I would stay away.

I did though.

It's nonsensical to say somebody can parent one child but not another.

I have a friend who's first born is in long term foster care, she lives in the same local authority that I gave birth in.

Her son was taken into care at 18 months old for having bruising on his forehead. She explained that he bangs his head on the cot but she wasn't believed.

Whilst in foster care he was diagnosed with autism and the head banging with subsequent bruising continued.

She fought so hard to get him back but was told no, he's settled now.

She went on to have another child, no concerns from SS, but she couldn't have her first born back. He remains in long term foster care now as due to his disabilities they struggled to find adopters.

They won't give him back to his (bloody good) mum though.

It knocks me sick it really does.

Then you have children who wonder why they were given away but not their siblings and spend a lifetime dealing with self esteem and attachment issues.

This sounds really tragic. It’s clear how much you love him, and not beyond the realms of possibility that your naïveté was taken advantage of. I hope you can take some comfort from knowing he is in a loving family.

Adopted children do often develop a curiosity to meet their birth parents. It’s why sperm donors are no longer allowed to be anonymous in the U.K. Persevere with the contact you are allowed, hopefully it will reassure him that you’d be open to meeting when he’s old enough.

Your ds has grown up knowing nothing else but his family.
At 10 years of age I don't think I could emotionally deal with essentially, a stranger coming into my life. A stranger who carries the title of 'Mum'. It must be so difficult and I think I would be frightened it would all impact my relationship with my family etc.
I don't think I'd want this thrust upon me.
As a Mum I think I'd be looking to do what would essentially be best for my ds at this time in his life and look forward to my yearly update.
I'm sorry but I don't think setting out on this crusade is what your son needs.

@OhCaptain

But why would they essentially trick you into staying with

Because they wanted him to be adopted.

The foster carer felt that way, as do social services here.

They wanted him removed from me and were never going to give me a chance.

Very gently, you are focussing very much on your own emotions and needs, and not those of the little boy. He won't yet have the emotional skills and maturity to understand the complexity of his birth, his placement and your position.

He had only known the love and care of his adoptive parents, and it's so important that he feels safe and secure in his love for them. You say surely he'd want to know his birth mum loves him, no doubt he knows enough from his life story book to know this, but you shouldn't want him to dwell on it. He shouldn't be living a half life - one foot in with his adoptive family, and one foot with his birth mum where there is no relationship.

He may well seek you out when he's an adult and can understand fully everything that happened to you and to him, but for now it could be so disruptive to try to push more onto him.

With kindness, I think you need to think more carefully and objectively about it from his perspective.

That's so hard OP, YANBU

I completely understand that you can't just 'let this go' - he's your child, he was taken away from you and you were made to feel powerless. You've done incredibly well to move on from that, make a family and become much stronger in yourself. For you this is an ongoing pain but at least for your child he's not really aware of any tragedy and you know that he's safe and loved where he is, which has to be the most important thing now.

I've known a number of ppl who were adopted and they all wanted to know about their birth family once they got older, it's a deep-rooted feeling in people. You've only got to see those TV programmes or note the explosion of interest in genealogy to realise that.

It's highly likely that he'll want to know about you when he's older and he'll be able to find out about his other siblings. This could be a really postive experience and you might even be able to have a relationship that includes his adoptive family. That will be the way to heal.

If I was in your circumstances OP I would act and feel exactly the same. EXACTLY. So, although a lot of posters who are posting things that seem harsh/unkind are possibly, even probably, right in what they’re saying (in the sense that they’re acting in the child’s best interest, the contact isn’t in your DSs interest etc) it doesn’t change how you are going to feel and I am with you.

I believe you were treated badly and weren’t given the support you needed to provide a safe home for your DS, and therefore set up to fail. I hope that when your DS is 18 you are able to put some of these demons to bed.