To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

@OhCaptain

In the gentlest way possible, I don’t think they can be held responsible for the problems with keeping him a secret etc. You’re choosing that for your children.

You say he should know that he’s loved by his mum. He has a mum. You’re his biological mother, but he has a mum who loves him every day. So he is loved.

I’m sorry that you miss him but to be brutally honest, you’re only thinking of yourself and your sense of loss. There’s no reason to think he hasn’t got a happy, healthy, full and loving life.

He might seek you out when he’s older.

If you're child was taken (by any means) against your will, wouldn't you want that child to at least know you loved them?

You're putting a blanket adoption approach over this! This woman wanted her child, he was taken from her. It's horrific! Have some compassion.

Op, I have a family member who was adopted, all they ever wanted was to know their biological mother loved them. They got that eventually!

The power of social services seems terrifying. Was reading in the Sunday Times about a baby who was removed at 8 days old, and returned at 4 months, because social services decided there was in fact no evidence of harm. For every awful Baby P case, there seem to be many more where the parents had not done anything wrong.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can see lots of good advice here from other adopters, giving that perspective. Whole the adopters will have compassion towards you, they are this little boy's parents, and they will make decisions re contact and photos based on his needs, not yours.

I can hear your anger at the situation. The reality is, social services get no perks for adoption, it costs them money, and it's a last resort. It is entirely possible for an abused woman to leave her partner, and put her baby first, before a few months old, so I don't think the five months window is too short, given the needs of a young baby regarding secure attachments. While I believe some social work practice is poor, babies don't have time to wait for mums to sort themselves out. They have to have parents that put them first, all the time, every day, especially when tiny.

You were a victim of the abuse. So was your son. He is hopefully being supported to heal from his loss, I think you should also seek support for your loss.

Regarding birthdays, contact from birth family would be far too disruptive on birthdays for us. So, he won't be wondering why you don't send a card etc. It's just not like that in adoptive families. He will have cards and presents.

Your son may, or may not, want contact in adulthood. I think some therapy for yourself to make peace with that is important. You are obviously doing well now, and hopefully he is, too, dwelling on the events of ten years ago won't help anyone, especially not your children who you parent.

Best wishes, OP, and again I'm so sorry for your loss, sorry you were abused, and sorry for your pain.

I'm adopted. It was a closed adoption as was the custom back then (I was born in 1969). I never get any communication from my birth mother but that was how it was then. I do sometimes think of her, but I am also so grateful to my adoptive parents.

Tbh your child will have grown up with parents whom they love and cherish. Talking about his birth mum might send him off track etc. If your child is happy and the parents are loving and looking after him then id keep a space in your heart for him but not keep chasing.

Really sad thread but hope you get some professional support.

For the many agencies and professions that have to work with/alongside failing children’s services it is very clear to see that in many cases the work of social workers just isn’t up to standard and it can be very frustrating. A lot of corners are cut due to lack of funding, reports are incorrect (or not written) leading to complications and there is no trust left in the service. A fuck up somewhere by a sw is generally expected by all. I hope a light is shone upon this in my lifetime, no other service would be able to carry on this way. There needs to be accountability.

Yup. The system is utterly broken. Many social workers I have spoken with agree. It is set up to punish disadvantage and to drive SWs to protect their job security over families who, with some support, could make it through. And it sells a big fat lid of ‘supporting’ to the rest of the country.

I was treated appallingly - so badly that when I finally got through to a stage 3 complaint the panel was appalled at the actions and failures of the SWs who utterly ducked me and my children over. Snd even in reflection, they are - as individuals - utterly unrepentant. I ended up with a formal apology and compensation - and I will likely never see my son again snd all they’ve done is bolster domestic abuse and the belief that women are simply there for everyone else’s benefit.

I’ve been told on here by a social worker that I’m a tin foil hat conspiracy theorist - that’s the state of the system - you’re just not believed when you’ve actually been abused by social workers.

@SpringHasSprung20 then I just reiterate that you get professional help because I can’t even imagine how unusual it is to have an entire SS branch conspire to steal your baby so he could be adopted out. That’s not something you’re going to be able to handle alone. Even if your local SS agrees that’s what happened.

[quote ColdBrightClearMorning]@AliceMcK sealed court records and ‘gag orders’ are to protect the confidentiality and dignity of the child.

Sounds like when people complain family courts are ‘shrouded in secrecy’: yes, proceedings are very private as there’s a minor involved who has the legal right to expect their personal information be protected from public view.[/quote]
It is often adoptive parents who request this out of fear, it’s not for the child’s benefit.

The vast majority of adoptions in the US these days are open adoptions, research points to this being especially beneficial to the child. They can understand and accept the reasons for the adoption and grow an identity that includes two families and know their heritage from an early age. Too much secrecy will cause resentment as the child grows older, they’ll wonder why things were hidden from them etc

I think I would write a diary for him. A proper handwritten one with an entry every day. So that if he does come to find you and wants to know if you cared you can give it to him then. But if that isn’t what he wants you’ll have done no harm.

OP, so sorry you have been through this and I do believe you. For those saying “it takes a lot for a baby to be taken from a parent and adopted” sadly it doesn’t, it takes a lot for a older child to be taken from their parent because it’s not so easy to find a family for them, babies are perfect candidates for adoption and the younger they are the easier it is .

I think the only thing you can hope is that when you ds turns 18 he contacts you and is willing to listen to your story. I know you would have missed out on his childhood but hopefully you will get to know your son as an adult.

I think your situation sounds to have been handled appallingly. Your case is one which should have been dealt with on its own merit - you were a teen, with no experience of life, who was manipulated rather than helped. They should have helped you break away from the abusive ex, and then kept you under assessment to guide you. I’m shocked this happened just 10 years ago. I know that many many years ago this sort of thing would be the norm, the only difference being that zero contact was allowed between adopted child and birth family. It must be heartbreaking for you OP.

I am absolutely stunned by your account of how you and your son have been treated by SS. OP. I thought those days were over, that birth parents who opted to have contact were allowed to show how they felt. Hang in there. He'll be 18 one day and free to contact you. If he does, when he discovers what has happened - the cards you saved, that his siblings know all about him, he will feel loved by you and I hope that leads to a life-long relationship between you.

@AliceMcK Of course court records are sealed, if you’re against that you are pro a childs private information being public knowledge.

I'm going to come away from the thread for a few hours, probably until tomorrow.

I'm glad I posted as it's cathartic to get it all out but I admit I am struggling to read certain replies that cast doubt on my version of events.

Like everybody in life SS aren't infallible, like most things in life you have good, bad and everything in between.

I'm not anti social services as my experience of them here has totally restored my faith, infact last year I approached the disability team within SS for support for one of my children who is disabled. Wonderful people.

The disparity between SS here and SS where I had my first born is extreme. You couldn't have come across such polarizing differences between branches of what is supposed to me the same support system.

I want to thank those of you who've shared your own experiences with me, whether your an adoptive parent, birth mum or just know somebody who is either. I have taken heart from the vast majority of replies. So thank you all.

I will be back to read and reply to any further messages but I'm going to log off now and probably have a wine. God knows I need one.

My heart breaks for you, it really does. I can't even imagine what you've been through and continue to go through every day.

I have a lot of experience with cases like this, and I can't stress enough how difficult regular contact with birth families can often make life for the child. I know that sounds wrong, like the contact should be nice for the child, I can understand why people think this, but in reality it is so unsettling for them.

I've seen a sad case recently where the child had face to face contact 5 times per year, it wasn't an adoption but the birth parents didn't have parental responsibility of the child, who was in a long term special guardianship placement. The contact was so detrimental to the child in lots of ways, almost like dangling a carrot in front of them every 2 months. Sadly the placement broke down when the child reached adolescence, because they yearned for their birth parent so badly after being teased by exciting days out at contact their whole life. The child is now in a really bad place, and does not feel like a part of either family. Their mental health is poor and they will most likely never be able to form proper attachments which will affect them into adulthood.

In this case, it would have been best for the child to have been treated exactly as your birth son was. Adopted into a loving family with minimal contact with their birth family to give them the best chance at forming stable attachments. Sometimes, adoption with minimal contact is the best thing for the child.

Sending love and strength to you OP.

Who could possibly think you are being unreasonable. Your child was forcibly taken against your will, it's criminal. I'm sure the adoptive parents are lovely, doesn't change the fact they have a stolen child.

I’m adopted so these are just my personal views.

Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

He's got a mum, giving birth to a child does not make you a Mum. Caring and nurturing does.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I haven’t had any contact from the woman who gave birth to me, nor would I ever want it. That is clearly stated on all my files. I have a Mum and Dad who love me and who have been there for me I don’t need anything else.

I am an adult adoptee from the era of closed adoption. I'll try to articulate a bit here, in case it provides some food for thought, how an adoptee might feel, confronted with the emotions and sense of deep injustice that comes across in your postings around the adoption, whilst trying to process their own place in the "triangle." I cannot speak for the merits of your case, obviously, but not commenting on that is not passing judgement one way or another, just to be clear.

My reasons for researching my birth parents was to understand more about my background and feel in control of that information - I am originally from the US and that info was not accessible in most cases. That was really frustrating and did irk me, to say the least. I wanted answers and it if it was possible for something to develop that would have been a bonus. I have not been in touch with my BM - I was able to find out quite a lot online and basically answered my questions. I don't want to disrupt her life in any way. I matched with my birth father after a DNA test and have had contact with him.

I was adopted at around a week old and in my case I feel that that some sort of letterbox contact as occurs today would not have added to the quality of my life. It would have been ridiculous and confusing to pretend that I was going to have a shared history with these people going forward, in a way that is meaningful and like 'family.' What I would have wanted, and what I think is entirely reasonable to expect, is access to whatever information (such as my original birth certificate) I could from the age of 18 and be able to contact and process any questions I might have had at that time. I was lucky I was born in a state where access was more available than others.

I would not have gotten in touch with my birth father if I had known that his reaction, regardless of my decades of lived experience with the family I grew up with, was that he in fact was my 'real' father. I can't and don't want to offer this sort of relationship.

Adoptees who search are generally looking for answers about themselves, perhaps some support, and comfort that it is okay for them to need answers. Many might be open to an active relationship but this needs time, honesty, consideration on all sides, respect for boundaries, and knowing that really - everyone is starting from scratch. 'Reunion' is a really bad word to use for it. The person your son is may be nothing like what you expect, if and when you finally meet.

Being an adoptee and confronted with a person whose needs are overwhelming was really scary, even as a middle aged person with decades to process my adoption. I couldn't have managed it at 20 let alone the age of the child we are talking about here.

It's right this child is spared that experience in his childhood.

He may well contact you when he is grown; most adoptees are curious. But I can tell you, making your grief his problem is not the basis for a relationship in the future. I would strongly urge you to make peace with what happened, however you can and whatever form that may take, before you contemplate taking anything further with his adoptive family.

I was adopted at birth. A long time ago before the law changed .

I have voted that yabu but I would like to explain why.

My adoptive parents were my parents. They were always honest and I knew from as soon as I could understand that I was an adopted child. If I had been receiving communication from my birth mother I know it would have been confusing and unsettling for me.

It didn't stop me thinking about her. And as got older, (an adult) I did find out more and eventually I contacted her and we met. But it was after my parents had died. I needed closure.

One day your son will understand why he was adopted. He won't hate you or blame you.

[quote OhCaptain]@Cissyandflora OP cited her dc needing to keep their sibling a secret as one of her grievances. My point is that she’s choosing that for them. SS can’t be blamed for that.

OP puts me in mind of a notorious woman here in Ireland who is determined to paint herself as a victim of social services.

To listen to her you’d think they were monsters. A little digging however reveals that they are 100% right in their dealings with her.

It’s easy for birth parents to have a very skewed view of things. Perhaps understandable but not in the best interest of the child.[/quote]
I misunderstood you sorry.

And yes I agree that when you listen to a parent who has gone through losing their child if does always sound like a massive injustice. But in fact women are given a lot of help to be reunified with their children even after foster care.

Op I’m not saying I don’t believe you but you were young and perhaps didn’t have the right advice as to how to show you could prioritise your child. There’s nothing you can do now except hope for a happy life for your son. It’s wonderful that you have been able to have the opportunity of having other children. Of course you still love your son and it is going to be extremely difficult for you. I don’t think extra letters will make this situation better.

There is no advantage to anyone in social care in placing a dc for adoption.
So no one is looking to take advantage of anyone.

Long term fostering can work for some dc, particularly older dc but it is very far from ideal.

There are no perfect options just least damaging options in some situations. Adoption is damaging for dc, so is long term foster care. But leaving dc in violent homes can be fatal.

It is a difficult and damaging situation all around but social care is there for dc not the adults.

I hope you get support in rl OP.

^^I really admire your strength. Thank you for posting.

Over the years I've reached acceptance to a degree. I accept that at the time, as social services had no intention of supporting me, the best thing for him was to be taken to live with somebody else.

I've accepted that he has another mum who he loves and I'm happy about that.

I just can't accept the injustice, how I was treat and how I'm continued to be treat now by such stringent and barbaric (to me) restrictions on any indirect contact. ^^

Strength - I have worked at this. I have felt differently at different times.

It is an unjust system. Allocated a team who have made poor past decisions and are being more proactive, allocated a team after National policy change or just a poor social worker - there are children taken who wouldn’t be in different areas or times.

So many people in this thread have offered opposed experiences. Whether adopted or an adoptive parent or whether representing an adopted child there isn’t one best answer.

The restrictions hurt and are the only thing you feel like you might be able to control. The worry is you can’t. The parents can stop contact anytime or could be keeping everything until the child is older. You don’t know how your letters will be used and whether the child might suddenly want to withdraw from writing. I actually think it was easier for me - I was able to negotiate a single letter. Nothing ongoing. It hurt me for years but doesn’t now. In the absence of what I could have it is a crumb and a distraction. For. Awhile I felt it would make me feel more involved but now I think it would have distorted my year as I waited for the next contact. I was let down but my child hopefully has gone on to thrive. Was I let sown because people were incompetent or cruel or doing their best badly. I don’t know but life isn’t fair. Not even when things matter so much. I have let that go and focus on the facts and see then as positively as I can. Some adoptees are left feeling rejected but many aren’t and the earlier the move the better. It may have been wrong for me but I can take that, hopefully better for them.
I can’t control any of it until they get in contact. I do keep a kind of treasure box - a bit of a ongoing family story that they can have in the future. Maybe they will claim it and maybe not. It is cathartic to keep though.
I would encourage you to believe that as you have come to accept somethings there are other things that may change in your feelings that allow you to feel some freedom from the pressure of this loss. I am decades ahead of you - we all have to feel ways to mange the weight of the years. Allowing anger and loss is part of that as is loathing the injustice but never forget to focus on what you have, on the small good parts. It is lovely that the parents got your child involved in the last letter, that is precious but what is also really precious is that it tells of a loving family who are speaking kindly and carefully about you whilst they sit round a table together. Whether that leads into a relationship or a child full of love and confidence but going their own way it is still a beautiful thing to think of.
Hope my waffle hasn’t upset you - there is an adoption board here too and some birth mothers post there sometimes. Letter box problems feature a lot.