To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

i have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I mean this kindly OP, but you’re not his mum to him. He has a mum, he lives with her. I think this is possibly more about how you feel about this than how he might feel about it now or in the future.

The reason SS can’t allow you a copy of a photo of him is because some parents will then use that to share on social media, use it to try find the child by asking around, there’s no guarantee what a bio parent will do with that copy. So it’s in the interests of the child to have a blanket rule that if you’re able to see what he looks like now it’s not with a hard copy to take home.

I simply can’t imagine how painful this is for you, but as PP have mentioned SS aren’t concerned about you, or his parents. He is their priority, as he should be. And they will know a lot of info you aren’t privy to and so are best place to decide on what grounds contact can take place. For all you know he finds hearing from you very painful and traumatic and so they’re trying to allow the bare minimum of contact so you don’t feel completely pushed out but he’s able to live his life with his family without the constant reminder of his bio mum.

What you want and what he wants are likely very different things here. And he takes precedence, as I’m sure you agree he should.

I am sorry this must be awful for you. But I think you said it yourself in your sentence "Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum". It's likely he does get a card from his mum - his adopted mum. You quite clearly want him back - and everyone would understand that you do. I would. But having an adopted mum plus a bilogical mum who wants him back would leave him with feelings that at his age would be too tricky for him to navigate. I think your idea of buying a card for him each year is so lovely. Send these to him when he is 18 and ask him to see you so you can explain your story and how much you did want him.

@Mabelann

Are you allowed to write to his adoptive parents? Perhaps if you write to them and explain how you have turned your life around and that you miss your son etc and that he has siblings they will be able to communicate that to him outside of the normal annual letter contact if they think it would be beneficial for him to know that information.

You could ask them for permission to be allowed to send birthday cards.

Surely they know him best and know whether receiving birthday cards and knowing about his siblings etc would be good for him or not. Social services just apply blanket rules because they don’t know the children as individuals in the same way as the adults raising the child knows that child.

I'm allowed to write to them via the local authority, but whatever I write is heavily scrutinised and I'm essentially gagged from making direct requests to the adoptive family.

I have asked, multiple times, to be allowed to send birthday cards but the local authority send my letter back to me and refuse to pass it forward to the adopters until I remove the part about wanting to send birthday cards.

I have complained to the local authority only to be told "that's how it is, it's protocol. Birth parents can't send cards"

I know for a fact it doesn't work that way in other areas, I effectively drew the short straw giving birth where I did.

I’m not expecting a positive response from you btw, I can imagine it’s very hard to separate your own pain and loss from the issues at hand re what’s best for him. Even harder when you gave birth to him yet other people have much more say in how he lives his life with regards to you. It must be awful.

But you asked for opinions so there’s mine.

@OhCaptain

In the gentlest way possible, I don’t think they can be held responsible for the problems with keeping him a secret etc. You’re choosing that for your children.

You say he should know that he’s loved by his mum. He has a mum. You’re his biological mother, but he has a mum who loves him every day. So he is loved.

I’m sorry that you miss him but to be brutally honest, you’re only thinking of yourself and your sense of loss. There’s no reason to think he hasn’t got a happy, healthy, full and loving life.

He might seek you out when he’s older.

Op is not keeping him a secret. That’s not what she said.

Op I think you can only wait until he is older and see whether you can have some sort of relationship then. He now has another mother and whilst that must be incredibly painful, you will only have peace once you have accepted this I think.

Lots of mothers do not move away from abusive men until it’s too late and they lose their children. The children absolutely have to come first. Like a pp said - often it’s way too late for the child.

You are very right. Birth mothers aren’t treated well. Society is uncomfortable with them and services for them are very limited.

I am a birth mother and I am adopted. I have had no contact with my birth child. I made peace with the child not being mine. I am their birth mother but not their mother. I wanted them to see their adoptive parents as mum because that is what they needed and that’s what they are. Most children in a good adoption are happy and settled. It’s enough for them to know that they had a birth mum who loved them but couldn’t bring them up at the time.

That’s not enough for you and that’s understandable. It’s a huge thing to live with. The conflict is that if you have a child who doesn’t seem you out then that is usually a good sign of a happy adoption - the very thing you most want for them.

I wish you some strength as you deal with this. When your child is 18 you can ask social services to approach them and to see if they want contact. Prepare for this now, again it’s a huge thing to do and if your child doesn’t contact you then waiting may well be a better path in the long term. I didn’t request contact. I don’t plan to.

@ElizaLaLa on what basis? Disrupting the life of a 10 year old? Adoptive parents do not need to comply with contact arrangements, they are under no obligation to share letters from birth families or send letters in return. Going to court is unlikely to bring about anything other than, as OP has pointed out, withdrawal from the existing contact arrangements.

For what it’s worth OP I think there should be more direct contact between birth families and their children and the way in which we do things here does, in some cases, exacerbate problems especially in teenage years when children begin questioning their identify and start idealising their birth family at the expense of their adoptive parents. I do wonder if more consistent contact with birth parents/siblings through the years would prevent this from happening in some cases.

@sqirrelfriends

That sounds really painful op, believe me being an adopter isn't a bad of roses either and SS don't care about the bio parents or the adoptive parents. Their only concern is the best interests of the child.

I don't always think they consider the interests of the child either. No way should adoption take place unless the mother agrees. The OP could have got away from the abuse and turned her life around, having her child back again. Adoption is for life and they had no right, or shouldn't have had.

It is really sad, the baby comes first but the mother's welfare is overlooked especially on a 2nd birth if first baby was removed.
I'm sorry you went through it.
The lack of contact is tough but it is in the best interest of the child, it would be very confusing.

It’s a hard balance to strike. I think they are entirely right to keep the focus continually on what is in the child’s best interest, however in your position unfortunately that means you don’t get any vote. There are no easy answers here

@OhCaptain

And I do believe it takes a lot for a child to be removed and adopted out.

My babies dad was an abuser. I was Suffering abuse at his hands (sexual, physical, financial)

I was a vulnerable teenager with no support in area so they concluded my Inability to protect myself and by extension my baby.

However, had I been given support to get away I absolutely could have safeguarded him.

I don't expect strangers to believe me but I have the backing of SS where I live now. They went through the bundle of documents with a fine tooth comb and were appalled.

Guessing you feel the same when it’s the mother who is abusing or neglecting their child? That adoption should only be allowed if she agrees, @Devlesko?

Op this is heartbreaking. You are the birth mother, most of us couldnt comprehend having our baby removed and adopted against our will. Social services aren't godly and they make mistakes, it's appalling that some people believe that you should stand back and accept this.

I'm so sorry OP.

My sister's story is very similar to yours, except her kids were adopted a few years earlier.

As soon as the eldest turned 18, she found my sister via social media.

Hugs to you.

I mean this kindly OP, but you’re not his mum to him. He has a mum, he lives with her.

I am mum to him.

My letters from him are addressed to "mummy spring"

I have complained to the local authority only to be told "that's how it is, it's protocol. Birth parents can't send cards"

This is really something you need to pursue through the council’s complaints procedure, which includes an independent investigation and review. Unless it was agreed in court that this was the arrangement, the council can be challenged to justify this view.

This sounds like a very difficult and sad situation, and I really feel for you.

I guess if you look at this from the perspective of his family and the agencies involved he is not being kept from his mum; his adoptive mother is his mum, and the less disruptive they can make his life the better. He lives with his family, who love him; you can see how it might be difficult for him to be told his ‘mum’ loves him when as far as he is concerned he lives with his mum and family. That’s not to say he should forget you, but I understand why there are firm boundaries in place for his benefit.

None of that makes up for how devastating the experience was for you, of course, and my heart breaks for you thinking of what you have gone through. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and I wish there was a solution which protected and worked for both you and your biological son.

Sorry for what you’ve been through but children’s social care don’t remove babies for no reason. They must have had evidence that you were unable to protect your child. It’s not a decision they take lightly and it’s a lengthy process.

You have to put your child’s ongoing welfare now above everything. He has parents and a family now who presumably love him and care well for him. It must be very hard for you, but you have to put his needs before your own.

The last thing you surely would want to do would be to fuck up his childhood by confusing him. With the best will in the world, your view point is not objective and your need for him to know about you and his siblings can’t trump his well-being.

It sounds like you have your life together which is every credit to you and hopefully you can focus all your love on your other children. There’s every chance your son will come back to you as an adult and you’ll be able to explain what happened.

@ittakes2

I am sorry this must be awful for you. But I think you said it yourself in your sentence "Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum". It's likely he does get a card from his mum - his adopted mum. You quite clearly want him back - and everyone would understand that you do. I would. But having an adopted mum plus a bilogical mum who wants him back would leave him with feelings that at his age would be too tricky for him to navigate. I think your idea of buying a card for him each year is so lovely. Send these to him when he is 18 and ask him to see you so you can explain your story and how much you did want him.

I understand what you're saying.

The thing is, I would never try to take him back from his adoptive family.

He's settled and happy.

I just want to be a part of his life too, beyond just one letter a year.

I would give anything to see him, even once a year.. but as sad as it sounds, I would settle for two letters a year.

The odd phone call.

Regular pictures

Anything would be better than this. It's torture.

@Cissyandflora OP cited her dc needing to keep their sibling a secret as one of her grievances. My point is that she’s choosing that for them. SS can’t be blamed for that.

OP puts me in mind of a notorious woman here in Ireland who is determined to paint herself as a victim of social services.

To listen to her you’d think they were monsters. A little digging however reveals that they are 100% right in their dealings with her.

It’s easy for birth parents to have a very skewed view of things. Perhaps understandable but not in the best interest of the child.

I work in this area and I do see that it’s incredibly and unimaginably painful for birth mothers; there’s not enough services to support parents after children are removed and I think when you look at the American way of doing open adoptions it can often be better for a child.
To give a different perspective though I would say that unfortunately you don’t know what it happening for your son with his adoptive parents and what could be triggering for him to read in your letters so while it feels unfair and pedantic to you it may be that they’re changing it so it’s not unsettling for your son. I’ve worked with quite a few children whose mums have gone on to have children that have remained in their care and that can be very difficult for adopted children to understand and while I know you wanted to keep your baby it can still make them feel rejected and can cause instability within the adoption.
Sadly the photo issue is also not a surprise as there’s a large amount of parents who would then use that photo to start a social media campaign to locate the child and that only really has negative consequences.

@PicsInRed

From what I know of abusive relationships and the blame heaped on mothers for being in one (then the total lack of assistance in leaving and staying out - followed by forced contact with the father for both child and indirectly the mother) ... I believe you.

I can absolutely believe something like this would happen and our family court and social services systems really are going to be seen as a shocking disgrace in decades to come.

OP

Absolutely this. I believe you too

@Devlesko of course in some cases children should be removed without consent! How absolutely ridiculous. Otherwise children would be left with abusive parents who are going to continue their abuse.

OP I am adopted and I'm sorry for what you are going through but equally I wouldnt have wanted contact from my birth Mum when I was little. At all. I had my Mum and I was happy. Now I am grown up I am thinking about trying to contact my birth Mum but finding it difficult. If I did find her and she had a box of cards and letters to show me I would be over the moon..maybe this is something you could do?

I'm so sorry for what you are going through it must be very difficult.

@springhassprung20 - I mean this in the kindest possible way - does he consider you to be his mother?

I feel very sorry for you, but I can also see how it is not in his best interests to have the contact with you that you want. I would suggest you seek help to manage and come to terms with your feelings around the adoption and to leave him be until/if he contacts you as an adult.

OP as awful as it is you have to let go, he has his family now.
Concentrate on the DC you have, this has to be affecting them they'll live in wonder about him forever.
He may never look for you my friend is 45 she has no interest in reconnecting with her birth mother.
Don't waste years on something that may never happen.