To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

I think SS have to make difficult decisions in a relatively small window of time to safeguard children, especially babies, and that that means that sometimes they make decisions based on likely outcomes of situations, not in the individual situations. They looked at your situation and saw that you were a) unlikely to leave the abusive situation, b) not likely to cope well if you did and c) that the likelihood was the child may be neglected, abused, or otherwise not protected. In the majority of cases, this is true. Thankfully, you have beaten the odds. You have not gone on to have multiple children removed, your children now are not abused or neglected. But do you KNOW you would have left him? It's nice to look back and think, well if I was offered a way out I would have taken it, but we are not the same people as our past selves. Yes social services fuck up sometimes, they take a cynical world view as it is their job too, they don't tend to gamble on young, vulnerable abuse victims in perilous situations coming through as strong survivors, they look at the odds for a good outcome, and if it's unlikely then they turn their attentions to vetted adopted parents as a safer bet.
I think it's horribly dreadfully sad when kids are separated from their birth mums. But I don't think it's done for no reason. They can't pin all their hopes on the occasional diamond when they are in the business of risk assessing coal.

OP, I’m an adoptive mum of two DC who come from the same birth mum.

I think the loss suffered by birth mums is horrendous. I can’t imagine the pain and I have every huge sympathy for you.

Have you ever received any counselling or support for what happened to you? If not, it may be worth talking to your GP.

My DD is having an extremely tough time at the moment, caused in large part by attachment issues from her early life experience. She’s only little but the basics of normal life are really challenging at the moment. I struggle to imagine adding processing more contact from her birth mother, or knowing that there are additional siblings into this mix. I know how much it would help your pain in your case, but adopted kids are often not straightforward and sometimes they and their parents are juggling enough and finding it very challenging.

I wish you all the best in dealing with all of this.

Sadly it sounds like it’s more the choice of his adoptive family. And they probably more than anyone know your son and what’s best for him. I doubt they have decided to limit letter contact or make stringent rules regarding what’s in your letters without due reason.

@BackforGood

What Thesearmsofmine said.

Obviously we don't know you, and we don't know the whole story around your child's adoption with information from all sides, but, overwhelmingly in the many child protection cases I've been involved with over many many years, the birth parents are given so many more chances than I feel is right, or in the best interests of the child.

I haven't voted, but I wouldn't be surprised if people who are saying YABU are commenting from their own experiences. Or the experience of having their adopted child completely emotionally disrupted by the whole contact with birth mother experience they have to go through each year.

It’s not always the case is it though. Lots of children are taken off parents in this country and others, with no warnings and put into forced adoptions, the court records are then sealed and gag orders put on the parents so they can’t speak out.

The Woman’s coalition works with a lot of these woman.

Don’t get me wrong I’m all for bad/abusive/dangerous parents loosing custody and parental rights, and a lot do get far more chances than they do but we have a very flawed system that gets it very wrong a lot of the time too.

I don’t have any advice but wanted to say that I believe you too. There are so few safe and supported placements for young mums with their babies in the UK.

I hope you get to meet up with him and be in his life when he grows up.

Another adoptive parent here. We have two children who aren't birth siblings. For our AD we had a very emotional but excellent meeting with her birth mum. As a result, we can talk about her as real person because of that meeting. This wasn't possible with our son. We do however meet up with another sibling and his adoptive family. Nothing is a secret and when they are old enough if they want to meet their BM , we will support that. FWIW, all our letterbox letters are written btw the adults until the kids are 18. We have allowed our AD to read some of the letters though. It is incredibly difficult all round and I do regular think about the birth family and genuinely hope that they are ok

I think you are only thinking of this from your perspective not the childs.

He has a family that loves him. He won't think of you as his mother so he can't miss you as a mother or want cards from you etc.

Im so sorry your child was stolen from you. I hope in years to come, you can tell him the truth and have a good relationship with him.

I’m very sorry for your circumstances. I often think that women are not adequately supported to protect their children and keep care of them. You are right to be angry at how society has treated you.

Your son now lived with his parents for over 10 years. All that you can hope for at this stage is that he chooses to contact you when he is an adult and you can demonstrate to him then how much you have loved him and thought about him over the years. Hopefully you can have a relationship as adults. I do not think that increasing contact now is likely to benefit him.

What I mean is, most people are coal and under pressure will crumble. Some people do incredibly well under pressure, these are diamonds. People who come out of situations like that are diamonds. Strong, rare. Social services can't gamble on people being diamonds.

I imagine if you had left the situation, or made steps to, then you would not have had him taken away. It was not social services role to help you, only to protect your child. It was your responsibility to take proactive steps to protect your child by accessing the services for domestic violence, and finding alternative accommodation or refuge. They didn't need to give you a way out. That's the way it works in this county, SS don't give a shit about parents at all. They are only there for the child (and often get that wrong either by leaving the child in abusive situations too long, or taking them away too swiftly, they really can't do right)

OP, I am sorry for what you have been through. Taking what you say at face value, I think you may well have been unlucky in the adoption agency / the adoptive parents.

We adopted within your timescales. We exchange letters and photos twice yearly and accept birthday and Christmas cards (though actually the cards do cause some upset for them so we have learned to give them early, not on the day).

However it is up to adoptive parents to use their best judgement in what is best for the child in their care. They may well feel that their (your) DC will be unduly disrupted by more frequent contact or by knowing about siblings.

When things are going well you don't want to upset the apple cart. When things are going not so well, you don't want to heap big news on them to give them more to cope with. It is a fine balance.

On photos many agencies now have a no photo rule because of the internet / social media. Some birth parents use photos to search online or make 'abducted child' pleas. Also, because we share photos, we don't let our DC appear online and this restricts them being in things such as the local paper, which has caused upset over the years when they have had to step aside for photos.

Keep up the contact, however limited. Then he will know you cared enough to keep going (so many BPs don't). And at 18 he will be allowed to choose whether to keep going or not. He may well not want to 'reunite' at 18 (could well be in the middle of A levels, then off to university or first jobs or whatever), but that wouldn't mean he won't want to later at a more stable time.

I can't let it go. I'll carry it with me until my last breath
It is heartbreaking.
Adoption is emotive on MN.
There is no domestic adoption in Ireland the history on adoption in Ireland is appalling. My Nannys first baby was sent to America he was 2.
Personally I think there will be redress around forced adoption in the UK.
I do agree DC should get the chance of adoption here it is long-term foster care.
You should have been offered the support of a mother & baby unit.
You could well have a case against them in the future, it'll be like domino's once it starts many women will stand up.
Disclaimer to adopters. I know full well 99% of DC need to be removed and in many cases aren't saved.

@Emeraldshamrock

Keep faith OP. It is unfortunate you didn't get the support to leave your abuser. Many women have lost their DC as a result of an abusive partner. The safety of the DC comes first, if the victim can't protect herself they'll take baby. How old was he at adoption? Did they get involved during the pregnancy? Did they give you any time or opportunity to leave your ex from involvement to adoption?

He was with his foster carer from birth for 6 months then went straight on to the adoptive family that SS had lined up. The adoption was finalised some time after he was placed with them.

Social services do something called parallel planning whereby they can source prospective adopters from the moment a baby is removed from its mother, before any permanent decision is made, if they want said baby to be adopted.

Cases where adoption is on the cards have to be wrapped up in 5 months, so I only had a 5 month window from birth to the case being closed to get him back.

Impossible.

SS were involved since I was 13 weeks pregnant because I told a midwife that my then partner was financially abusive (the physical abuse hadn't started at that point)

At no point during my pregnancy was I told to leave him. That is the gospel truth, I swear on my life.

Social services asked us both to do parenting classes together

At 20 weeks pregnant I approached my social worker and asked them to support me relocating to London (where I live now) where my family are as I didn't want to be with or near him when the baby was born.

I was told not to move yet as it would disrupt the assessment.

I asked if they were going to take my baby and was told "no, there's nothing to suggest that"

They had me stay there like a sitting duck until I was 36 weeks pregnant then dropped the bombshell that they were going to remove him at birth citing the risk from dad and my inability to protect baby

I was heavily pregnant and stuck.

I gave birth shortly after at 38 weeks.

I left him and went to live in a women's refuge. Social services refused to work with me to get him back because they felt adoption was in his best interests and wouldn't change their mind no matter what I did.

OP,
I think that the situation that you describe needs professional advice that is beyond the scope of posters on this thread.
Please contact a solicitor that deals with Family Law and raise your concerns with them. Most Law Firms will give half an hours free advice.

I hope you can arrive at a better place.

My friend, now in her early 30’s was adopted at birth. When she was 18 she advised that her birth mother wanted to make contact. My friend declined and has not sought out her birth mother. She has a happy life with her adopted parents and siblings. She regards them as her family and hasn’t wanted to change anything.

I am sorry for your loss OP but your experience isn't the only one and as an adopter, we felt SS were much more on the side of BM than us.
Her parents had had so many chances before she went into FC and still made no changes.
She came to us but they were allowed to contest it again and again despite the fact that she had made no changes to be able to parent DD. In fact, what she did do, was get pregnant again. Thank fully, she kept that baby but it also means I have to explain to my child when she is older that her BM couldn't make the changes for her, but she did do it less than 6 months later for another child. Was my DD not important enough for her?
The fact that she never responds to our letter suggests exactly that and yet I will always tell my daughter that her BM loved her because I want her to feel worthy.
Some birth parents are treated badly I guess, but many get more chances than they deserve.

He was with his foster carer from birth for 6 months then went straight on to the adoptive family that SS had lined up. The adoption was finalised some time after he was placed with them Bastards.
It is crazy it was finished so quick.
I believe they have a small time frame from removal to adoption in the UK.

@SimonJT

Have you had any professional help? It does sound like you do need professional input to live your life, rather being trapped in the past. That isn’t good for you at all, it also has the potential to cause problems for your children.

I’m an adopter, my sons birth mum has featured in the press because her children were illegally stolen, in reality her older birth children have needs that are so complex (because of her actions) they have prevented adoption and longterm stability, her youngest birth son nearly died at her hands. She has had further children who were thankfully removed at birth.

Many adopted children find letter box contact very traumatic, they are the priority, not the birth parents and not the parents. I had a few pictures of my sons birth mum on our photoboard until recently, he now knows a few more details about her as he asked about certain aspects of his body, he then started to express that he didn’t like the pictures so they have been taken down. He also for now dislikes the pages of his life story with her picture. If he received a card from her that would cause significant issues for him, retraumatising a child is very very damaging. I used to have to take him to monthly contact sessions, it was awful, afterwards he would take over a week to settle again, to this day he hates the car as he associates it with those visits.

I'm truly sorry for what your son has been through.

I will say though that my case is completely different.

I have never abused or neglected a child in my life.

No way should adoption take place unless the mother agrees.

Come on! Abusive mothers exist. Look at the Lostprophets groupies who molested their own babies to impress a rock star. Look at Baby P's mother. Look at Alfie Lamb's mother - she let her boyfriend crush her own toddler to death, then shouted at him to shut up as he lay on the floor dying. A small minority of mothers are so evil that no child will ever be safe in their care.

And even when it comes to the redeemable ones - how long do you give them to redeem themselves? How long should a child have to spend in foster care - with no one to call Mum or Dad, with no stability, with carers who are only looking after them because they're being paid - just in case their birth mother finally turns her life around? How is that in the child's best interests?

(I'm not talking about the OP here, obviously. I'm simply replying to Devlesko.)

I don't think I've ever read a more heartbreaking thread.

Sorry, as an adoptee I completely disagree with you and believe you are putting your wishes before his wellbeing. Personally I think no contact should be allowed unless initiated by the child at an older age. I do, however, appreciate that many people have differing opinions on this.

@Youmeanyouvelostyourkey

Another adoptive parent here. We have two children who aren't birth siblings. For our AD we had a very emotional but excellent meeting with her birth mum. As a result, we can talk about her as real person because of that meeting. This wasn't possible with our son. We do however meet up with another sibling and his adoptive family. Nothing is a secret and when they are old enough if they want to meet their BM , we will support that. FWIW, all our letterbox letters are written btw the adults until the kids are 18. We have allowed our AD to read some of the letters though. It is incredibly difficult all round and I do regular think about the birth family and genuinely hope that they are ok

You sound like a lovely woman and mother. I'm so glad you was able to facilitate a meeting with her birth mum, and I'm glad it was a positive experience for all of you.

My letters are predominantly written by his mum but last year she supported him to write something to me himself too which was wonderful.

I can't stress enough that I have no ill will toward his adoptive family and have a tremendous amount of respect for them.

They aren't, and never have been, the reason for my pain.

@1FootInTheRave

I am saddened for you, however, child services remove for the safety of the child.

I have heard many a victim story when it was absolutely the right course of action.

Thread like this are so sad in part because they contribute to the intense fearmongering about social services, the idea that they can swoop in and permanently remove a child from a loving parent who was able to provide for them adequately.

There are so, so many checks and balances, safeguards, judges are involved, numerous social workers (not just one), often several different agencies, all with the child at the heart. You so often hear stories where a bio parent is saying that they could have taken care of their child fine if they’d been given the chance but social services try and keep children with the family wherever possible, if it’s safe to do so it’s the best for the child (not to mention cheaper for the system). To get to a stage where a child is removed for their own safety is very serious and of course there’s no way of anyone knowing the full picture because the child’s confidentiality is protected.

The danger to this boy would have been very great for him to have been removed. I’m not saying this to argue with OP, I believe her own perception of events is what she’s saying it is. I feel she’s so stuck on the idea that it was horribly unfair that she’ll never be able to get closure or move forward to being able to live with the pain and accept that what happened was painful but for his good. And you know, I can’t say I wouldn’t feel the same in her shoes. To lose a child like that and know others have judged you unable to care for them safely is absolutely horrible and no matter whether you felt it was justified or not, you’d grieve forever.

But I am glad to see comments that gently highlight that children are removed when it’s the safest option for them. Nobody wants it to happen but sometimes it sadly has to.

@SpringHasSprung20

OP I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this, it’s hearting to read. For those saying let it go, it’s really not that simple. They are telling you to let go the strongest most natural bond on this planet. You must be going through hell.

When I think back to the things that happen when we were young, most things aren’t life changing and we can get over them, but what happened to you resulted in losing your beloved baby. And now you are being punished in the worst way even though your life is settled.

I really hope you find some peace and one day you are reunited.

The authorities can and do do wrong. A member of my family had dealings with SS in regards to their child and I absolutely could not believe the way they operated. I'm sure they do lots of good but on this occasion, it was blatantly wrong.

I'm so sorry to hear of your heartache. Hopefully he will come looking for you in a few years and you can start anew.