To be annoyed that my hospital has strict visiting hours and DP will be sent home after birth if its outside them?

[Jenswish]

Basically if I give birth between 9pm and 8am, DP will be sent home as soon as they move me to the ward (normally within an hour apparently)

I know all the ladies that haven't given birth need sleep as well but I hate hospitals and I will have just had a baby, I don't want him to go away... I need the support

See thats another worry, If I have an epidural they say you can't walk afterwards so how can I get up to pick the baby up? Or if I gotta pee... who'll watch the baby while I go to the bathroom?

Yeh I know i'm being silly but i guess i've suddenly started panicking about stuff like this.

you buzz the nurse and they help you to the toilet, and baby is usually asleep in the "fish bowl" and are left by your bed.

You dont need anyone to watch a newborn while you pee - its when they are moving you need to worry!!!

i'd venture to say that in most hospitals now there is woefully inadequate post-natal support.

it's not that the staff are unhelpful, it's that there just aren't enough of them.

that's the problem and why so many need the support of a partner.

i gave birth in a busy city hospital, and first time round i, too, was left on my own - i was put in a private room because i developed a fever soon after birth - after a 24-hour labour with nothing to drink, forceps delivery under full epidural, IV antibiotic with a newborn.

it had been 32 hours since i last slept.

they sent DH home and i was left alone out of my head with exhaustion.

i got no help to go to the toilet and wound up limping to it alone hanging onto the bed because my legs were still on pins and needles.

did wonders for my PND!

next time, i left off the delivery suite and this time can hopefully give birth at home.

DS wasn't checked by a paedatrician before we left. My argument was that if he had been born at home as was planned, he wouldn't have been checked. He had agpars of 9 and then 10 and was fine.
One of the midwives in my group practice caqme the following day to the house and did the basic checks (she has been trained to do this I think).

OK - I have two nice stories.

DS1 took a very long time coming - I saw three different midwives and went home twice . The post-natal was dire - you could see the NHS at its most overstretched - but the other women were nice. I so wish I'd just gone home because frankly the help to bf was non-existent. I was SO hungry - vegetarian. No, I didn't know what to do but would have been so much better at home. There is a help-line to use. But, you do have to be forceful about leaving i.e. "I'm going, I'll take him to the GP if the doctor doesn't arrive in the next 10 minutes."

Now, with DS2, induced, they gave my ex- the single-private room to sleep in, that we'd used while I was labouring but not dilated enough to move, because it was 1 a.m. and they decided he shouldn't drive. I was blown-away - it was so simple and so kind. The next morning, DS2 and I wandered up the corridor and woke him up. I don't sleep - no-one does . Mind you, it then took me all day to get them to discharge us.

Whatever happens, I think it is usually OK and sometimes, the other mums actually make it fantastic. The MW, who got me tea at 3 a.m. with DS1 made my first stay.

I would plan a homebirth if having your DH with you is essential. There is no reason why an uncomplicated first pregnancy would prevent you having a homebirth.

I can see why you are upset but I can also see why hospitals don't allow free visiting overnight - if you had all the partners on the ward as well as the mums, babies and staff it would be wedged!! And very noisy.

Don't worry too much about being 'alone' with an inconsolable baby - there will be staff to help you, and IME (and I've had 3) newborns are rarely inconsolable, they tend to sleep a lot for the first few days!

See this is where every one is different, the thought of swimming out of my depth and going for a long motorbike ride on a pillion scares the cr*p out of me, but coping on my own right from the off with pregnancy, labour or postnatal care has never ever fazed me, I would much prefer to not have dh in the ward after birth.

Do you know the most stressful and upsetting thing about my job is trying to get the paed to come to the ward and do discharge baby checks. Every day I have someone shouting at me that they want to go home NOW and when is the doctor going to be here, etc, etc.

I can understand that people want to leave and get home but wish they didn't have to be so demanding. A lot of women seem to think they should be able to click their fingers and the doctor be there. Then take it out on the m/w when that doesn't happen.

My mum was shocked when I told her this and said that back in the stone age when she had kids you wouldn't even ask when the doctor was coming, never mind demand they come now. I've been threatened with physical violence before now over this and had people saying they're going to file a complaint about me for not getting a doctor there.

Stripey - I feel for you.

I must admit I got annoyed once with a doc when we had an early scare.

They had me in from 9am till 12pm for a scan, then told me scan was fine at 1pm and kept me till 6pm waiting for doc to give me a needle but I'd never threaten physical violence or anything like that. I'm just a winger not a meanie.

I remember on the same occasion in A&E the night before watching a nurse dealing with a drunk that had been arrested for fighting. He'd had his head bottled and was calling the nurse all sorts of names as she tried to help him.

Don't get me wrong you guys do a great job, just need some more of you.

SKSS, I have sympathy with you but then again, back "in the stone age", generally mothers had someone to give them some help with their babies, the opportunity to get some sleep, access to clean bathrooms and decent food which they didn't have to leave their babies on their own to get to.

i was so relieved not to have to go to the ward second time round, it was by far the worst bit of my hospital experience first time (transferred hb, drip, epi, spinal, ventouse in theatre etc...). second time (transferred hb, epi but unassisted delivery) the ward was full so we stayed in the delivery room until i got my early discharge as requested 6 hours after birth (also got paed checks in that time). was blissful, but am aware was lucky to be able/in fit state to request and staff were available to do checks/paperwork (6am birth).

The more I read on this thread, the more 'home birth' or 'small midwife unit' screams out at me! If you go for either of these, worrying about who'll watch your baby when you need the loo etc just won't be an issue.

I think that a lot depends on the midwife that you have when you first get into the ward. With both my babies (same hospital) I was transferred to the ward in the middle of the night. With dd1 I was ignored for ages and then had a really short tempered midwife put my baby in bed with me to feed, but didn't show me what to do! Later on another midwife came by and told me off for having the baby in bed with me, even though I wasn't able to put her back into the plastic box, because I'd had a spinal after the birth. If my dh had been able to stay with me for a little while then I think he at least would have been able to go and find someone to help me b'feed. After having dd2 the midwife that helped me when I got into the ward was amazing, and made the whole experience much much better. Unfortunately when you give birth in hospital it is impossible to control these things. I would make sure if you do decide to go down the hospital route, definately go on the guided tour that they usually do of the ward, before you give birth, it will help if things are a bit familiar. I'm also pretty scared of hospitals, after having to spend a lot of time in and out of hospital a few years ago,so I really don't think you are being silly. Talk to your midwife about it, she may be able to talk to someone on the ward who can help you.

I should say that while I did badger the midwives to let me go immediately after I'd been stitched with ds, I was very polite. Was partaking in the gas and air so was actually in a really good, although persistent, mood. But then I wasn't asking for a doctor to come, because I knew the midwife would be round the next day.

'SKSS, I have sympathy with you but then again, back "in the stone age", generally mothers had someone to give them some help with their babies, the opportunity to get some sleep, access to clean bathrooms and decent food which they didn't have to leave their babies on their own to get to.'

yes, when DH was born his mum said the babies were taken to nursery to sleep if you wanted to get some time to sleep yourself.

and the wards were very, very clean.

there was plenty of help, too, if and when you needed it.

sadly, with cuts, that's rarely true now.

The trouble is that you soon learn that if you are not demanding nothing happens. Post natal wards are IME/O horrible places to be. Not just because the environment leaves a lot to be desired (noisy, uncomfortable, usually too hot/cold etc) but mostly because they are places where you have no control whatsoever. This means that after a while you really are desperate to leave. I remember with both of mine (I had c-sections both times) I was told in the morning that I could go, but then had to wait hours and hours before the (very junior) doctor came and checked my (perfectly healthy) babies. We left, both times late in the evening, and first time dh tried to persuade me that it would be a good idea to wait until the next morning (I almost had hyseterics!) because he didn't want to drive in the dark. I don't see why midwives can't be trained to do the baby check, or why the baby isn't checked earlier when the reason that the mother is staying is because of her recovery, not the baby's. Oh, and I remember feeling completely abandoned when dh left after dd was born (at midnight) he didn't even get to go into the ward and make me comfortable or get to really say hello to dd. Not a good start (and after a very traumatic birth for both of us).

i phoned my GP and she came and did hte check at home.

we waited 8 hours for a doctor to show up and no one did.

so we left.

I would have hated to have my baby taken away from me though, and my mother's description of labouring with no family support was really grim. After several hours apparently a consultant put his head around the door and told her she "wasn't trying hard enough". She had all the rest of us at home.

my ds was born at 10.30 pm (not tonight, 18 months ago) and we were whisked to the labour ward within half an hour . My dh was then told to leave immediately. I found this quite upsetting but by then i just wanted to rest anyway. I have found a great birthing centre locally where they have facilities for partners to stay, and I will do this for no. 3 i think. Also I think they have this provision in some hospitals. Anyway, you will be so wrapped in your new baby that i am sure it will be fine. Didn't you consider a home birth due to a dislike of hospitals? I hope everything goes well, when are you due?

wow StripeyKnickersSpottySocks you really are hardcore aren't you? I must say I find your attitude slightly lacking in empathy! After having my first in hospital at 1am DH had to leave immediately...after which I got no sleep for the next 10 hours partly due to noise on the ward as the other 3 ladies felt it was incumbent upon them to inform everyone in their home countries of their births. I got NO breastfeeding support and when trying to wash myself in the (doorless) bathroom had some orderly come in and INSIST I give him my lunch order. When my DD had a meconium poo, none of the nurses would even give me anything to clean her with, and being a first time mum I was a bit underprepared. And this from a hospital that boasts about how good it's birthcentre is!

Just try and remember that YOU probably do your best, but unfortunately (or maybe it's just London) PN wards seem to be pretty crap on the whole.

OK stripey...should read to the end of the thread before commenting...have just read your later message.

Last time I was in a private room (not a paid-for private room, just a room on the people-in-individual-rooms ward). It wasn't bad, certainly compared to some descriptions I've seen here, but there were some issues. DS was a very needy baby, cried a lot and wanted to be held. But I wasn't allowed to hold him and go to pick up lunch, I was supposed to leave him in his goldfish bowl thingy. So I ended up missing several meals entirely because, as hormonal new mother, I was not about to put him down and leave him screaming. Breastfeeding "support" was largely limited to midwives getting cross with me if I didn't precisely record details of when and for how long he'd fed from which side (answer: All The Bloody Time... one night I had had enough and just wrote "10pm-6am: LOTS").

DS did get checked in good time by a paediatrician, but the day we were being discharged we were ready from first thing in the morning and it was 4.30 in the afternoon before a doctor was found to discharge me -- when she turned up she looked about twelve, asked me a couple of very banal questions and that was it. Meanwhile DH had had to spend a small fortune popping out to pay extra for parking in the hospital car park. Next time I shan't be shouting and screaming to see a doctor, but I shall be discharging myself without seeing one if there's anything approaching that kind of wait.

Many/most of the individual midwives were lovely (one of them did take DS one evening so I could get some sleep, although (see needy and feeding a lot comments above) that lasted all of an hour), but the system seemed to be geared up to making the experience more stressful and unpleasant than necessary. If I wind up with another c/section I am not staying in for the four days recommended unless I am virtually dying.

When I had ds (child #3) it was in a mw led birthing unit (v small - only 4 bed postnatal ward) and neither he nor I saw a doctor till he was a week old and we were back home. GP visited us.

I started both my labours in a midwife led birth centre (lovely by the way), but had to be transferred to a labour ward when things went wrong. It seems sad that its the ones who have the more difficult births who end up in the crowded postnatal wards, with overworked midwives and crowds of visitors, and no dh to be around to support them, when they are often the ones who have the most difficulty establishing b'feeding, and in general have more needs. But if everything goes ok then you can stay in a nice small birth centre or stay at home.

Also one of the main reasons I've been told that wards don't allow male visitors to stay at night is for safety of other women. You don't now who might be a convicted rapist, etc. Not really convinced that someone would try that on a postnatal ward but you never know.

We have had instances of a m/w recognising a male visitor in normal visiting times as a convicted peadophile and he was acting weird. I had to spend ages pretending to restock a leaflet stand so I could keep an eye on him. Would be a lot harder to keep an eye on someone during a night shift.