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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To even consider giving husband second chance

999 replies

sal1223 · 19/02/2021 19:48

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

OP posts:
year5teacher · 20/02/2021 09:02

I’d probably give him another chance but I’d be angry he’d clearly told me just to absolve his own guilt.

Hollywolly1 · 20/02/2021 09:09

Flowersfor you

Oversize · 20/02/2021 09:10

He told you to offload his pain onto you.
He hasn't begged for a second chance or said what he's prepared to do to save your marriage.
He wants you to believe no one else at work knows about it - trust me, they do. Almost no one keeps that juicy gossip to themselves.
He was 'blind drunk' but not drunk enough so that he couldn't have sex.
Your posts seem to suggest that all the talk has been about him and his state of mind rather than focusing on you and the (entirely preventable) devastation his actions have caused for you. Cheaters are often all me me me.

If you let him stay you'll need to train yourself to ignore the little voice in your head that's telling you that this isn't a trustworthy man.
What happens next time he gets 'blind drunk'? Etc etc.
Yes you love him but he didn't love you enough to not fuck another woman. I'm sorry that's so harsh but that is what it comes down to. How much do you trust him not to do it again? Remember that you trusted him even more than that 3 years ago and he still did it.

parched · 20/02/2021 09:13

You need time to reflect. I'd recommend counselling for both of you. His increased drinking and smoking sounds like self-destructive behaviour, as was the one night stand, so there's an underlying cause to understand and deal with.
All you can do ATM is take one day at a time. No need to tell anyone if you don't want to. I'd start with some individual counselling first to both get your heads straight with a possible move to couple's counselling later.
I know how horrible this is. You'll get through it. Good luck x

Oversize · 20/02/2021 09:17

I also think he wants out of the marriage but he's trying to make you do the 'dirty work'.

Original poster
sal1223 · 20/02/2021 09:26

He said he told me because he was sick of himself and what he'd done to me . And he needs my help if he's ever going to be the husband and father he once was before this but doesn't think I'll ever be able to love and trust him again like I once did - he's sorry he lied and wishes he'd told me sooner and this was the biggest mistake of his life and he doesn't deserve anything from me now.

God I'm so hurt and torn

OP posts:
GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 20/02/2021 09:27

@sal1223

He said he told me because he was sick of himself and what he'd done to me . And he needs my help if he's ever going to be the husband and father he once was before this but doesn't think I'll ever be able to love and trust him again like I once did - he's sorry he lied and wishes he'd told me sooner and this was the biggest mistake of his life and he doesn't deserve anything from me now.

God I'm so hurt and torn

I find this incredibly selfish and manipulative of him.
Multicover · 20/02/2021 09:30

@sal1223

He said he told me because he was sick of himself and what he'd done to me . And he needs my help if he's ever going to be the husband and father he once was before this but doesn't think I'll ever be able to love and trust him again like I once did - he's sorry he lied and wishes he'd told me sooner and this was the biggest mistake of his life and he doesn't deserve anything from me now.

God I'm so hurt and torn

He’s pathetic.
Original poster
sal1223 · 20/02/2021 09:31

He said he wants to live a better life and be a better man but we'd have to work at this as a team to save this marriage

He said they used protection - but I still want to be tested , those asking about this being a full blown affair - I know the situation and who she was and where she is now , there was obviously some feelings which yes makes it worse . I have looked at past phone bills and can see when they spoke around the time it happened - he says they were friends and crossed a line which he's felt disgusted about ever since .

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 20/02/2021 09:32

I don't think he realises he's being emotionally manipulative, I don't know what to say to him to get him to see what he's doing by laying this on me

OP posts:
Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 20/02/2021 09:36

and he needs my help if he's ever going to be the husband and father he once was before this but doesn't think I'll ever be able to love and trust him again like I once did

So if he fails, it’s all your fault. What a prince among men.

Original poster
sal1223 · 20/02/2021 09:36

I think in time I'll just know - when the dust settles a bit .

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 20/02/2021 09:37

I think what he's saying is that he can't do it without support

OP posts:
GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 20/02/2021 09:38

Manipulative people often aren't fully conscious of what they're doing, but that doesn't mean it's not manipulative or intentional on a sub conscious level.

The whole "we must do this as a team" thing isn't wrong exactly, because you will both need to work at it if you want to save it, but it's not where his focus should be right now and it's denying you your right to grieve, be angry and have your raw reaction and response. He's trying to make himself the victim and that's just not on.

I dislike him for this more than for the extramarital sec, to be honest. He isn't owning what he's done.

Original poster
sal1223 · 20/02/2021 09:38

And what I'd rather he did was pulled out all the stops to be a better man and show me he can do it - then I can decide if that's the man I want to be with

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 20/02/2021 09:40

What do you mean he's not owning it because I don't really understand 🥺

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Original poster
sal1223 · 20/02/2021 09:41

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom and yes I know we'd have to work as a team to some degree . When he was feeling sorry for himself last night I screamed at him that he's not the victim here - I am

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 20/02/2021 09:43

I don't know what to say to him - think I'll give him a wide birth today . So weird that the guy I went on a couple of dates with just before I met him added me online yesterday all these years later - 17 years later

OP posts:
Hubblebubble75 · 20/02/2021 09:44

Alcohol is never an excuse, you know what you’re doing - especially to have sex.
I would never forgive my dh but then I am someone who once trust is broken I can’t live that way. I would constantly question their behaviour - nights out would make me worry etc. It’s no way to live.
What happened in the lead up to having sex? I think you mentioned she was chasing your Dh - is that from him? I would not be happy for any blame to be apportioned from dh to the woman. All blame lies with him for this. We all get tempted in life, all marriages have hardships and he had a choice. There’s also no blame your side so please don’t feel you did anything wrong.
I wouldn’t take too much concern over his guilt and throwing himself off a bridge etc I think it’s me me me to guilt trip you into taking him back. Poor him with mental anxiety over it, let’s make him better through moving on. If his mental state is so fragile he needs to get counselling to deal with this and his other issues. It isn’t for you to solve through absolving him of his guilt.
He’s also passed his problems onto you now - so it’s time to stop thinking about him and think about you . What do you want? What will make you feel better? Will space make you better? Can he not go to his parents or something , understand covid times but there are exceptions for such situations as you find yourself in. Put yourself and your recovery first x Hugs Flowers

Original poster
sal1223 · 20/02/2021 09:44

If anyone has any suggestions on how I can clearly tell him that this isn't a pity party for him and the way he's being is manipulative that would be a great help

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 20/02/2021 09:46

@Hubblebubble75 thank you . No he's got nowhere to go - his fault live the other end of the coutry and he has work Monday to Friday

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 20/02/2021 09:46

He told me back then that it was a sort of joke at work that she fancied him

OP posts:
GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 20/02/2021 09:48

@sal1223

What do you mean he's not owning it because I don't really understand 🥺
I mean he's not saying, "I did this. It was wrong, completely, and I'm sorry. I want to make this work, so please tell me what I can do to make it up to you." And then showing you through his actions that he means it.

In other words, taking as much of the load off you as possible and making it clear he accepts his responsibility for it and is trying to make it up to you.

What he's actually saying is, "Oh I had to tell you because it's so hard for ME, you don't realise how terrible this is for ME, you will have to work with me and support me, I might have a mental breakdown, I'm so terrible, you should kick me out, oh woe is me me me..."

That's the difference. He's giving the load to you, making you feel obliged to tell him how wonderful he is really, guilt tripping you and making it all about him. And in some ways I think that's worse than succumbing to sexual temptation.

Original poster
sal1223 · 20/02/2021 09:48

She kept asking people if he'd split with his wife yet , when was she gonna get a chance - he should have stayed well away obviously liked the attention 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

OP posts:
Hubblebubble75 · 20/02/2021 09:51

What do you need from him op? If it’s to stop talking about his guilt - then simply tell him you don’t want to hear it. What do you need to hear? What do you need him to do?
Also, what happened the night they had sex - was in premeditated etc I think it’s important to find out the details. I would also want to know if it was an emotional affair before the sex - so checking phone etc. I’m someone who likes as much information as possible before I make a decision x

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