To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

He's inviting you to do the 'pick me' dance. There doesn't have to be an OW for that.
Get the Chumplady audiobook 'Leave a Cheater Gain a Life' if you want to understand his behaviour.
Make him leave you alone while you listen to it.

Second chance for me. You need time. I have had friends in this situation, but worse in a way, as their DH's were actually having an affair. It took time, but both marriages survived and they could not be happier. This was a ONS! You sound a good family unit. Be kind to yourself and please go slowly. Honestly think of life without him. Your children will be so confused. This is workable in the long term, in fact could even make you stronger. If LOVE is there, you can work through this. This is only my opinion and experience though . Big hug my dear.

Used protection bit he was blind drunk? He's taking you for a fool.

He told you, for me that's very important. Rather later then never. The truth is was a bit late but if he would have told you couple of months after he did it you would have probably left him. Maybe that's what he was avoiding.
Beeing married 17 years and still loving him, also you said he is a good father the kids love him, now you need to think if you ready to leave him and be single or to be in a new relationship.
I mean if I was you and I am happy in the relationship and my kids are happy I will try to move past this.

Has he actually expressed a desire to stay married? Like actually said "I'm sorry. I love you. I want to make this work." Or has he just went with the "I dont deserve you. You will never trust me" which is him essentially telling you how you should feel and hoping you leave him so he can say he was kicked out?

I'd tell him to stop with the pity party. What's done is done. Does he want to stay married. If the answer is yes, then ask him what is his plan to make it work. If he cannot come up with a single thing (therapy, gp, date night to reconnect, reading a book about the subject, go to his family, anything (I'm not saying these are the good options but just examples)). I feel like that is quite telling. Same if he decides to deflect with 'well what do you want from me?'

@Hubblebubble75 yes I'm the same I want all the info - they were friends first and it wasn't premeditated'apparently 'he says she made him feel wanted and he regretted it immediately. There were no feelings in his part but she had feelings for him , apparently . He told her he wouldn't leave me for her so she moved away - apparently

I think alcohol could excuse a drunken kiss if she came on to him and then he wised up, that would be forgivable however as a pp said to have full blown sex he can't have been that hosed. The fact hes waited 3 years is selfish, it would probably have been kinder to just bury it now. There were some feelings there which also makes it worse. I know what you mean about it's not black and white, if he seemed truly sorry and you could trust him going forward then its salvageable however the way he is acting now isnt great. I think you need to sit and have a calm talk, explain to him that using his mental health now as an excuse for burdening you with his infidelity is manipulative and needs to stop. And find out how much he wants to work on your marriage, if he's not interested then it's over. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Hmm it’s hard to trust what he says I guess. What happened on the night itself - was it a work do and went back to her room ?
I wonder if you can check out any of what he’s telling you ?

OP, I’m not sure if he’ll hear you, but the next time he comments about how it’s affecting him you could simply say ‘you made it that way, it was your choice’. It really offends me how they create an environment at home that’s nasty to then give themselves permission to cheat, because how can anyone expect them to put up with a moody wife? The bottom line is that you weren’t standing there in the room with a gun to his head when he put his dick in someone else, it was entirely his choice, she could have been anyone. Now if he wants you to keep his dirty secret and protect his fake image as a family man then he has to start putting you first and acknowledging that the current state of the marriage is his fault. I wasn’t able to do that, but my situation was at the extreme end, the combinations of cheating and other behaviour were staggering. Only you will know what feels right for you. But don’t forget you are now dealing with this horrible situation because he made it so.

Yes he's said he wants to stay married but doesn't think he deserves me giving him another chance .
I just asked him if he knew he was going to sleep with her and he said no it just happened after lots of drinking and drugs - I said he should have said no and not fucked her , he chose her over me and can't have been that wankered to have had sex with her - i asked how long it was and he said a couple of hours - so I've been sick again , not quite the quick shag I'd imagined

Yes it was a work party and they went back , I know exactly when it was

Drugs as well? What a peach. I’m so sorry op , I’m sorry you are so distressed, you don’t deserve this x

See he is usually so honest - he will tell me anything I ask and always has done . I shouldn't have asked for gorey details - and don't know why I did . I've been sick water because it's all I've been able to stomach since Thursday night 😖

2 fucking hours when all we manage is usually 2 minutes when the kids are in bed - they had done cocaine which I'm dead against but I'd sadly ride in his industry

*rife in his industry

I know but it’s important to find these things out because it will help you decide what to do - based on the level of deception. I feel it’s better to find out everything early then drip feed over weeks. Even if it is very painful

2 hours sounds like they had sex more than once

2hrs when blind drunk and off his tits on coke? That’s quite some penis he has there.

Does he think you’re stupid?.

I believe that it only happened once and I believe that there has been no one else - this was a one off . Not minimising it but this is what's making it harder for me to leave him. If he'd had a full blown affair and been sneaking around secret liaisons and calls / txts it would be easier

@Hubblebubble75 yes I would imagine over and over for 2 hours

@sal1223

I think what he's saying is that he can't do it without support

That’s what you’re hearing. What he means is he wants you to do all the work.

Tell him. “If you want to stay then as you broke it, you need to work out how to fix it. I’m sure you can think of something.”

Then observe what he says he will do and what he actually does.
Like PP said above is he booking counselling, reading a book, planning date night, taking kids out so you can have a break, giving you space etc.? He needs to do the thinking and the hard work. Not dump it all on you.

Oh and he can do all those things perfectly and you can still decide now or months later that it doesn’t work for you. You still get to decide if it works for you.

But judge him by his actions, not his words.

They probably had sex until they couldn't physically keep at it - a proper session

Of course you can book hotels
Lots are open. It’s not against the law to go to a hotel.
I would in all honesty tell him to go to one just for a bit.

@sal1223

I believe that it only happened once and I believe that there has been no one else - this was a one off . Not minimising it but this is what's making it harder for me to leave him. If he'd had a full blown affair and been sneaking around secret liaisons and calls / txts it would be easier

How do you know though? You’re basing it on him being an honest person In the past. He lied for three years though and he’s obviously lying about the night it happened as he couldn’t be blind drunk for it to last two hours, unless they had sex and fell asleep and then he left after two hours. If he was so blind drunk how can he even remember what happened. I would have too many questions

I think cocaine plays a part in being able to do it