Page 8 | To even consider giving husband second chance

sal1223 · 2021-02-19T19:48:22+00:00

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me. YABU - kick him out YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away. I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

Milliepossum · 20/02/2021 01:22

OP please get individual counselling with a therapist that is experienced with betrayal so you can sift through the issues and work out what you really think instead of being manipulated to think a certain way that only benefits your husband.

Original poster

sal1223 · 20/02/2021 01:23

I've got to try and get some sleep - only had 2 hours last night and exhausted from crying . Thanks for the replies x

OP posts:

Introvertedbuthappy · 20/02/2021 01:25

Hope you get some better sleep tonight.

Marinaloves · 20/02/2021 02:19

FOG
Google it

Milliepossum · 20/02/2021 04:16

@Marinaloves

FOG Google it

Yes, FOG is real, the rug has been pulled out from under you OP, it helps to have space to think, maybe your husband can go to his mothers house for a while. Whichever way it turns out I hope you get what you want.

Magnificentmug12 · 20/02/2021 04:25

I would obviously be deeply upset but when it came to the crunch I don’t think I would leave 17 years and 2 kids for one drink mistake.

The thing that would probably sway be to stay is that by the sounds of your post he deeply regrets it, to a very large extent and I think it’s now safe to say he won’t ever do it again.

I don’t see it that he has told you so unburdened himsef and put it on you, his told you because his devastated at what his done- his owned it for 3 years.

You need time to process it and of course you can leave too, just because I would stay doesn’t mean it’s what you would do.

NotSeenBulling · 20/02/2021 04:56

It's a fine line between keeping your marriage but not giving tacit consent for him to do it again.

If I was 100% certain he would never do it again, I think I would eventually move on. He would have his card marked forever though and if he ever did anything like this again he would be gone.

Coyoacan · 20/02/2021 05:07

I can't speak from experience, but personally I would give him a second chance.

Dita73 · 20/02/2021 05:15

I think there’s more you need to find out

NotSeenBulling · 20/02/2021 05:15

I agree the bridge thing is manipulation in it's purest form. I would have had more respect for him if he hadn't come up with that load of old gusset.

rwalker · 20/02/2021 05:37

Take your time I could get past this.

gonnabeok · 20/02/2021 05:43

OP, I feel for you. I have been there but to be honest could you ever trust him again? Also how can you be sure it was just a one night stand? Many cheaters will only tell you the bare minimum. She worked with him, he would have seen her every day. I doubt it was just one occasion. It's not like she was some stranger he met in a bar.

Just take your time and dont be rushed into making a decision. Me personally? I told him to leave to a few months then I had him back but it didn't work - I just couldn't trust him and in intimate moments I kept thinking of him with her so I ended it for both our sakes. Rollercoaster emotions can last for quite a time after finding out. Just get yourself through one day at a time for now.

secretskillrelationships · 20/02/2021 07:19

I'm really sorry to hear he's not fighting for the marriage. Mine manipulated our Relate sessions and we wasted a lot of time. I would so have appreciated the clarity that others have expressed that if he's not 100% committed to finding a way through then it's over, whatever you want, he just wants to make you the baddy by calling time. So he's a coward too. It really doesn't matter who brings an end to the sham this now is, no-one else will care or remember. I, eventually, realised that while my ex said yes to the 'do you want to make this work', the answer to the question 'you don't really want to be here do you?' was also yes. But, apparently, I ended the marriage!

Things had been increasingly rocky over the years since he did it but we'd had 3 children and it's so easy to miss what's really going on when you're also sleep deprived, busy and not wanting to. With hindsight he totally blamed me: 'if our marriage was good, I wouldn't have had the one night stand, I did therefore our marriage can't have been good (and that's obviously not my fault!)'. I could have forgiven at the time as I do think we're none of us perfect but the benefit of distance makes me question that now - it's not one decision to end up in bed with someone but lots and lots of points at which you could decide to do something different.

He's been a shit co-parent too and it's taken years of counselling to understand why I ended up being so unable to advocate for myself or recognise him for who he, now, is. But that has a lot to do with my upbringing (think stately homes thread) and my parents own divorce. It was painful, I resented and hated being a single parent for such a long time as I dealt with the pain of my children, which is, unfortunately, ongoing as they are desperate for the attention of a man who really only cares about himself.

But I'm now in a really good place, I have recognised myself and my strengths, I've helped my children navigate adolescence and early adulthood (just one to go) and have good relationships with them all now, though that was challenging at times. I did go on to have another long term relationship but ended that a year ago because it no longer met my needs. Covid has given me the time to recover and I'm very much looking forward to getting back out in the world and finding someone to share the next part of my life with. Or not, I'm pretty happy with my life.

CharlieBoo · 20/02/2021 07:44

Not showing an interest in saving the marriage is a huge red flag. If what he is saying was true, he couldn’t live with himself, the guilt was eating him alive, he would be begging you to give him another chance. So, the motive of telling you maybe wasn’t to get it out in the open, but to throw a spanner in the works and pursue the end of your marriage in this way.

I really think more has gone on with this woman. Do you know who she is? Does she still work with him? Pointless seeing his phone as he will have removed everything that he won’t want you to see.

SunshineCake · 20/02/2021 08:16

@katy1213

You can't throw 17 years of marriage away for one stupid fuck. But it was very selfish - and stupid - of him to have told you.

She can if she wants though she's thrown nothing away. He's done that. Have a think

.

criminallyinsane · 20/02/2021 08:31

Him perhaps not feeling he has the power/right/whatever to ask to fight for your marriage fits in with the bridge jumping - ie sounds depressed

Summertime246 · 20/02/2021 08:32

There's definitely more to this. From the sound of it, this wasn't some woman he met in a bar one night. This is a woman who he apparently knew was pursuing him. So I'm assuming once he realised that he didn't tell her he was married and avoid being alone with her? How did he get in the position where he was drunk and alone with her? They clearly had some kind of a relationship even if it was very short term leading up to the sex. In this case, he chose that woman over you. He would have rather slept with that woman and risk his marriage just so he could have a quickie.

Also, if you're getting a STI test it was unprotected? So he had unprotected sex with what he claims was a sexually aggressive woman and decided to pass on whatever potential disease he picked up to you? Doesn't sound like someone who is concerned about his wife to be honest.

Finally, as he was so blind drunk he didn't know what he was doing, is he trying to say it was rape? I doubt it. Alcohol was probably involved but it sounds to me like there was a build up to them having sex. Most likely flirting and secret messages or whatever. Maybe it was just the one time and maybe he did feel bad about it but at the end of the day, he chose her over you, however briefly.

Biscuitsanddoombar · 20/02/2021 08:32

The fact that he’s not fighting for your marriage but saying ‘ooooh I’m a dreadful person and you’ll kick me out and I deserve it too’ is the real red flag for me

Even if you believe it was a ONS 3 years ago which may or may not be true, the fact that he’s dumped all his guilt on you AND is now adopting ‘I deserve to be thrown out’ as an approach sets off massive alarm bells

If he wants to stay and make it work and you want him to stay and make it work his “waaaa waaa poor me” has to stop and he has to start coming g up with all the things he’s going to do to repair the marriage he’s damaged so carelessly

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 20/02/2021 08:35

Here’s my take. He has a problem with alcohol and depression and is blaming you for all his troubles. He thinks he would be better off without you, but can’t bring himself to end it. He doesn’t want to be seen as the guy that walked away from his disabled child. So he’s trying to manipulate you into ending it.

Hence the confession after 3 years (but with added dramatics so you feel sorry for him rather than angry). Also explains why he is surprised that you haven’t chucked him out already. That’s what he wants.

He wants to be able to blame you for breaking up the family. It’s not his actions, it’s your intolerance. He will tell others he wanted to work on it. You know by his actions that isn’t true.

I would bet a lot that there is another woman in the background. Maybe not the same one, but I would be surprised if he has nothing lined up. He wants to blame you for “pushing them together” if you chuck him out. He was so sad, she comforted him, one thing led to another. He’s a sad sausage. I mean if you think about it, he’s really the victim here.

I would make him own it. Tell him that he clearly wants to leave to marriage. But he should own that decision and stop being a manipulative piece of shit about it. If he wants to go. He should go.

I also wonder if he thinks that if you’re the one who ended it then he can manipulate you into accepting a worse settlement because you feel guilty.

I wouldn’t write any of this if he was fighting got you both. If he was booking marriage counselling, if he was getting help with his drinking. He’s not. He’s trying to get you to make his decisions for him. And that tells you everything.

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 20/02/2021 08:38

I hope my sarcasm about him being a victim was obvious.

I agree with others that you should tell him you need time. Book yourself some individual counselling to work through what it is you want.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 20/02/2021 08:42

A one night stand three years ago that meant nothing...I don't think he should ever have told you. I dislike how he is making this all about his turmoil and pain. It's as if he is expecting YOU to support HIM through this, with his mental health as hostage. I almost dislike that more than the actual one night stand itself. Maybe I do dislike it more.

You need time, a lot of it, so you can do some healing and thinking. It's not fair to ask YOU to be HIS rock at this time.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 20/02/2021 08:44

I think @Mycatismadeofstringcheese has got it.

BrideofBideford · 20/02/2021 08:50

The cheating, the way you describe it, I could maybe move past, live with

But him linking it with a threat of suicide is vile

It’s him saying:”if you leave me, I’ll kill myself, and it will be your fault”.

This threat, the horrible selfishness of it, the manipulation would not be something I’d accept.

Nice men, good men, do not threaten their loved ones with suicide if they don’t play nice.

GinAndTonicOnIt · 20/02/2021 08:57

@Mycatismadeofstringcheese

Here’s my take. He has a problem with alcohol and depression and is blaming you for all his troubles. He thinks he would be better off without you, but can’t bring himself to end it. He doesn’t want to be seen as the guy that walked away from his disabled child. So he’s trying to manipulate you into ending it.

Hence the confession after 3 years (but with added dramatics so you feel sorry for him rather than angry). Also explains why he is surprised that you haven’t chucked him out already. That’s what he wants.

He wants to be able to blame you for breaking up the family. It’s not his actions, it’s your intolerance. He will tell others he wanted to work on it. You know by his actions that isn’t true.

I would bet a lot that there is another woman in the background. Maybe not the same one, but I would be surprised if he has nothing lined up. He wants to blame you for “pushing them together” if you chuck him out. He was so sad, she comforted him, one thing led to another. He’s a sad sausage. I mean if you think about it, he’s really the victim here.

I would make him own it. Tell him that he clearly wants to leave to marriage. But he should own that decision and stop being a manipulative piece of shit about it. If he wants to go. He should go.

I also wonder if he thinks that if you’re the one who ended it then he can manipulate you into accepting a worse settlement because you feel guilty.

I wouldn’t write any of this if he was fighting got you both. If he was booking marriage counselling, if he was getting help with his drinking. He’s not. He’s trying to get you to make his decisions for him. And that tells you everything.

I agree this may be possible.

However, my DH has been through spells of being depressed and unkind to me (I won't spill the full details of his actions but he didn't cheat. Just was a general dick). He refused to see a doctor or counsellor. It felt like he couldn't be bothered to fight for us.

But he has just snapped out of it by himself . I had to tell him exactly what he would loose and what I needed him to do and with time he did it.

I might be a mug but he works bloody hard and is exhausted. But still an amazing dad to our kids and can be a supportive husband when he's not in a slump. I'd be far worse off if I kicked him out. I'd loose the house and struggle greatly looking after the kids by myself.

OP only you know your DH. Do you think he may want out? And doing the man thing of being bloody awful and trying to get you to end it?

imonyourway · 20/02/2021 08:58

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

I think *@Mycatismadeofstringcheese* has got it.

I agree, he's so firmly placed himself in victim mode or 'child' mode, he's just waiting for you to tell him what to do, being 'eternally grateful' if you don't kick him out.

This act and the fact he has told you changes the balance of your marriage.

He needs to tell you how he's going to make it better, fight for you and the children and own his actions.