To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

Thanks for the replies - have tried talking it out tonight, but lost my rag multiple times. He doesn't think I'll ever be able to trust him again and get over this - he hasn't begged for another chance or tried to convince me we can make it work so I'm left with my own thoughts again trying to make sense of it all - pretty disappointed he's not showing any fight for our marriage

A mistake is putting off milk in tea, or tripping over a rug you didn’t fix, ongoing conscious, deliberate choices and actions are very much not a ‘mistake’, by definition, it’s cringey reading pro-affair posts calling their choices ‘mistakes’, just go get your Secret Mistake Phone and leave everyone alone, ffs 🤮

Gross, OP. He openly isn’t bothered, then. Time to aim higher and move on in life.

Please don’t take too much notice of of all the advice on here. People will always say it’s bound to worse than it is etc. Only you know your dh-none of us do. Trust your instincts

The Op asked for advice

You’re winning at life if you’re biggest mistake is putting off milk in your tea.

Personally I would try to just move on. It happened once, three years ago...

He’s not fighting for your marriage- maybe he dropped this bombshell because he doesn’t want to be married any more.
So it seems it’s down to you alone to decide what to do, don’t rush into any decisions, if he’s not going to help then he’ll have to wait and go along with whatever you want.

Absolutely am, Dreamer 😊 and I’ve never felt compelled to put time and energy into committing adultery. It’s not difficult. But yeah, by all means, whine at me, like I care 🥴

He's looking for an out if he's not fighting for the marriage. You have your answer OP honestly. Start coming to terms with it ending, dont fight for it, as others have said earlier, he'll only resent you for it.

He could have slept with this woman, realised it was a mistake, got an std test and spent the last 3 years trying to learn from his mistake and be the best husband he can be

But instead it sounds like he has not ensured the marriage is happier
And he’s unburdened his guilt, at a safe time (3 years after the fact and when you’re locked down with him)

Now he feels relieved and you get the burden of dealing with this AND deciding what to do

Not only that but he’s emotionally manipulated you and told you about how you could’ve lost him completely - so now you think well at least this (him cheating on me) is better. And also effectively hinted that if you do get rid, he may do something drastic.

Additionally you have to go get an std test. Which implies he has not had one.

So whilst he was feeling all this guilt and feeling sorry for himself, he was not thinking about you, again, and considering how this could effect not just your happiness but your actual health.

If he was such a good husband and father he would’ve thought about you more and his children more. He hasn’t.

FWIW 3 years or not, I think there are a lot
of men out there who wouldn’t be eaten up by this, not enough to ever volunteer this information, many would be cowardly or wait to be caught.

It sounds like on the whole you have an honest and trusting relationship and whilst you haven’t liked what you’ve heard it sounds like you believe it to be the truth, the whole truth. Trust is important in relationships and yes he’s hid something for three years, but the trust isn’t gone because you believe him to be telling the truth.

17 years is a long time, nobody is perfect and we learn from our mistakes. It won’t be easy to move past and It’s a real punch to the stomach... it’ll be hard work for both of you to build yourselves back up from this but from where I stand it sounds worth fighting for.

sending love. x

I sort of agree with all of your comments at the moment 🤯 x

Only you know your Dh and I think you have to ignore the comments about this being more than your dh says it is.. you believe him
to be telling the truth, don’t listen to those who believe it to be more (without knowing him). it’ll drive you insane, protect your sanity.

have you asked dh why he isn’t fighting for your marriage? it’s natural to be getting angry at him... could you try writing him a letter?x

Fml how can I still love him after he's had sex with another woman - I thought I was stronger than this

@Cantstandthesnoring yes I asked him and he said I deserve better, and once the dust settles I'll realise how fucking awful he is and have the strength to kick him out properly

strength is not necessarily leaving somebody. you can find strength in forgiveness

he sounds like he needs some help coming to terms with this all too. He needs to understand that if his insecurity that you’ll leave him one day overrides his desire to make the marriage work... then it’s never going to work. you both need to be in it 100%... willing to put in the hard work and willing to do everything to make it work.

There's been a lot of self loathing and talk of the turmoil of keeping this from me and how he hates himself . I was like that's GUILT ! And you absolutely should have felt guilty for betraying me - all the other mental health concerns need to be addressed with a doctor - which he doesn't think he needs now he's told me the truth .

@Cantstandthesnoring

strength is not necessarily leaving somebody. you can find strength in forgiveness

That's food for thought though x

number one priority is you. If
you’ve got to have him around the house, at least make it benefit you... take long baths, read a book, go for a walk, leaving him at home with the kids. You need some YOU time first and foremost.

This is the worst feeling, a p

posted too soon.

This is the worst feeling, complete betrayal.

thoughts are with you!

I am concerned that he doesn't seem to want to be in the marriage - why unburden himself then not fight for it? I would also want him to seek GP support for his suicidal thoughts (that have been extreme enough to - apparently - actually sit on the bridge several times). If he won't, for me that would beg the question of whether he has been telling the truth about these thoughts or not.

To me it seems that he wants out of the marriage, but doesn't want to be the bad guy. I am sure he does feel bad, but it's very selfish of him to be making this all about him when your whole world has been blown apart. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

@sal1223

Fml how can I still love him after he's had sex with another woman - I thought I was stronger than this

Although he made an awful choice, I do think I would try to forgive my DH for a one off mistake. Your DH sounds like he still loves you. For 17 years with an otherwise overall good man I would try to work through it. He sounds (rightly) full of guilt and shame. I think a one off blip and bad decision in 17 years although devastating, is forgivable.

@user141635812632

Tbh unless this bridge is in a location without any roads, traffic cameras, or nearby buildings it is quite unlikely he could have sat there repeatedly without anybody calling the police. Especially if it was during the day.

Either way, it's really shitty to tell someone you've done something awful to hurt them and then combine it with 'but you have to be pleased I told you because otherwise I would have killed myself'.

This. I can’t believe how he has created this problem by cheating and is now emotionally abusing OP to be grateful he told her, ignore her own devastation, and trick her into being glad he didn’t (allegedly) almost jump off a bridge.