To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

So he shagged someone else's because HE wanted to

He told you about it to alleviate HIS guilt

Since then he's been telling you how HE feels

HE won't give up the booze

HE spoke to her, because HE wanted to

I'm seeing a pattern here

@LJ1995 the kids don't know anything about any of this and no arguments have been in front of them - we've been carrying on doing family stuff so I'm not going to feel guilty about that just yet

Sorry OP just seen your latest updates. You must be exhausted

Personally, I would never even be with someone who drank a lot and smoked anyway and taking drugs would be a definite no. I don't drink alcohol at all and cigarettes make people smell vile, so I just can't understand the fascination people have with either activity. I also could never respect anyone who took drugs. However, that is by the by.

What is he usually like when he's blind drunk? Does he usually want sex with you? What were the circumstances that led up to him being in such a state and alone with another woman there, who just happened to be crazy about him? It seemed very convenient. Can he not control his drinking or his sexual urges! Reading your updates after I saw your first post was in February, it seems you are still having trust issues and his behaviour and attitude hasn't improved much.

I'm the type who never forgives anyway and wouldn't be able to move on from this but, I know, if I cheated on a partner myself, it would be because I didn't really care enough about the relationship I had with them. In your case, I think a bit of a trial separation may give you time to consider whether you can move on or if you can't live without him in your life. There are always places people can go to live for a short time. He could find temporary lodgings in a private household.

@sal1223 When my partner cheated the therapist at the time told me that it takes two to fives years to recover, that is two to five years of both partners working together to get the relationship back on an even keel, that is the unfaithful partner answering questions no matter how many times the other asked the same questions again and again, time spent building trust between them and essentially a new relationship as the old one died the day the infidelity was discovered. For the first six to eight months after discovery the way things went were hysterical bonding, fear that he would cheat again, not wanting to let him go at the same time not wanting him near, I had depression, no sleep, no appetitive, anxiety and emotional numbness, this was after 15 years of never doubting a thing he said to me until the day I found out he was unfaithful. I told him no contact with the other woman, and he did what you DH has done, keep in contact until I discovered it, when she came to our home, five years after the initial discovery. I regret every moment I wasted on the recovery, I regret most the loss of opportunity, if I had left when I first found out I would have been five years into a new life with the possibility of kids and marriage to a loving, honest man. I am too old for kids now at 41, I regret every minute I spent on "recovery" with a dishonest man. Nobody here can tell you what to do or feel but please think carefully about how many more years you want to spend in the life he is offering you.

As I've said all through, Sal, this is your choice to make, but it's a shame that you're now inviting him to make a fool of you
Every time it's "If (such and such happens) we're over", but every time it's another such and such and by now he'll be utterly convinced it's not going to happen so he can go on doing exactly as he likes

Worst of all is that he's not even pretending to try; every time the appropriate script is rolled out, and none of it means anything because his "wants" will always come first - as WatchingPaintWet said in her excellent post, it's simply who he is

It's absolutely natural that your mind's spinning with it, but it'll continue to spin until you get rid of him. I'd say it's pretty obvious by now that nothing else will work, but will also add yet again that only you can make that choice

They will know when they are adults. That’s enough. The realisation that their mum stayed and was treated like shit purely because she had no self respect. I’m honestly so shocked you’re still with this man. I hope you wouldn’t advise your children to stay in a relationship where their partner is taking drugs and drinking and that it’s okay to cheat because they weren’t getting it at home at the time. Have you tried re reading your own messages back? I’ve read posts before where people read messages back and they see how stupid they have been.

This is water over the bridge. You love him and have a good life with him. It was a mistake he thoroughly regrets, to the point he couldn't live with it anymore. I would not sacrifice a happy life together over one drunken mistake. Do some couples therapy to help overcome it if you think it will be helpful, but don't do yourself a mistake you would regret afterwards.

Time to talk to her maybe? Seems much more like an emotional affair that a one off encounter.

@cass5

This is water over the bridge. You love him and have a good life with him. It was a mistake he thoroughly regrets, to the point he couldn't live with it anymore. I would not sacrifice a happy life together over one drunken mistake. Do some couples therapy to help overcome it if you think it will be helpful, but don't do yourself a mistake you would regret afterwards.

Did you read the thread?

He said he's trying to be a better person and as he'd hurt her he thought she should know that he's told me so his conscience is clear

Thats nice for him that he's declared his conscience is clear

OP, it's easy for me to sit on my sofa and tell you to chuck him out, not quite so easy.for you to do it but I think when someone cheats and still wants to work on the marriage, they must accept responsibility for the cheating and put in the effort to making it work.

Him blaming you (for looking after your children and not giving him enough attention).and saying that YOU have to work on it would actually be the end for me. The refusing to give up alcohol if you feel it contributed, would confirm my decision

I would not sacrifice a happy life together over one drunken mistake.

It wasn't just one drunken mistake. It was the further contact with her and neglecting to mention it to OP. It was also him trying to shift the blame onto OP and telling her SHE needs to work on the marriage too. The absolute CFery of it

wtf is wrong with him he said he would do anything to fix this then calls her and tries the guilt tripping again

he couold have said all this 3 years ago to her

I admire you OP, for fighting for your marriage. I think I would do the same in your situation. You certainly don't need to defend your actions to a group of people you don't know on an Internet forum.

I know a couple who managed to come through a situation like yours. It was very tough but they got there and are now in their 70s and very happy together.

Whatever happens, I wish you well.

I'd forgive a one night stand. But that's me.

Admittedly not when I first wrote that, just the initial post. I did follow through the thread now and, although indeed it is upsetting that he contacted her again, I would buy into the argument that what he did was out of characther and as such he wouldn't take lightly the impact that he would have had on her, thus the urge to address his guilt there as well. Also taking into account that he last months seemed to have gone better than expected, suggesting that a reconciliation is possible, would probably still stick by the general recommendation of not ending up the marriage. Provided that that one phone contact was all that was... which might be difficult to trust now though... hard one.

@rachelraven

Admittedly not when I first wrote that, just the initial post. I did follow through the thread now and, although indeed it is upsetting that he contacted her again, I would buy into the argument that what he did was out of characther and as such he wouldn't take lightly the impact that he would have had on her, thus the urge to address his guilt there as well. Also taking into account that he last months seemed to have gone better than expected, suggesting that a reconciliation is possible, would probably still stick by the general recommendation of not ending up the marriage. Provided that that one phone contact was all that was... which might be difficult to trust now though... hard one.

I wouldn't throw away a happy relationship because of one drunken night. If it's a shit relationship then that would be different.

Please stop letting this man manipulate you. He says this happened three years ago and then calls her a month ago to apologise?! You must know that he’s full of crap. Please get rid of him while you still have some dignity because the way this is going,he will shred you of all of it

I think its good he told you, maybe its been eating him up alive for 3 years. I would personally talk, forgive and move on if he was a good man and you have a good relationship. x

You will need time to process this (not days, but months and years). Heartbreak from cheating is an agonising time that feels like bereavement. I think the healthiest thing is to understand that your old relationship is in some sense dead, you therefore need time and space to grieve for it and discuss this openly and frankly with your husband, and then if you do decide to move forward you should build trust back from scratch. Personally I think there's a difference between 1 night and continuous affair/s & I doubt there's many perfect, decades old relationships where there hasn't been at least a bit of flirting or casual cheating on either side, but that's not to minimise how horrendous it is to find out (from personal experience).

You poor thing.

I went through the exact thing with my 'ex'. Exact same! Mental health issues, refused to acknowledge them, done hard drugs and ended up having a ONS. Vile.

Bottom line; I made him move out. He threatened his life and at times, I genuinely believed he would end it..I have a degree of PTSD from all that he put me through, it was hell.
HOWEVER, what I will say, is that we have talked more than ever since all this...he has gone into counselling, he is getting help for deeper rooted issues, he hasn't touched drugs since.

What I'm trying to say is, whilst you don't need to get over it instantly...you are also entitled to space to heal...but he really really does need to do the work on himself.
There is probably some seriously deep-rooted past/childhood stuff in there, which is making him reach for drugs and the reason he has slack boundaries.

Me and the Ex are very much a work in progress. We are very amicable, we are best of friends and have children together. Lockdown has helped, as he wasn't able to bury himself in alcohol. We are separated, but I also know that I continue to love him and have always known that he is a good man deep down; just very damaged.

Sending you a hug, as I know exactly how you're feeling and it's all so fresh. I am over a year down the line and still have days where I am heartbroken and sad at him not being by my side.

@EvenRosesHaveThorns

You will need time to process this (not days, but months and years). Heartbreak from cheating is an agonising time that feels like bereavement. I think the healthiest thing is to understand that your old relationship is in some sense dead, you therefore need time and space to grieve for it and discuss this openly and frankly with your husband, and then if you do decide to move forward you should build trust back from scratch. Personally I think there's a difference between 1 night and continuous affair/s & I doubt there's many perfect, decades old relationships where there hasn't been at least a bit of flirting or casual cheating on either side, but that's not to minimise how horrendous it is to find out (from personal experience).

Exactly this. The pain of betrayal is horrendous.

But I was actually more pissed off that my ex had taken hard drugs - I was more shocked and disappointed about that, as I couldn't understand why he would risk it when he has children to live for. He was so lost, it was an awful time.

OP, I would be more concerned about the drug use...is it still an issue?

OP, I am so sorry things have taken a turn for the worse. I can’t believe he thought it was ok to call someone he’d shagged once, three years ago, allegedly to say sorry. What for? For leading her on? For having a one night stand with her? None of it makes any sense. It’s not like it was only yesterday.

Why did he do this? Why did he tell you? Why hasn’t he contacted the doc? Has he had counselling?

It all seems to add up to an unholy mess, with him as the main protagonist each time.

...he was having dark thoughts about having nothing to live for

That old chestnut .

Mine was the same, he was looking at online dating sites within weeks, seeing someone in mo ths and shacked up with her in less than a year.