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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To even consider giving husband second chance

999 replies

sal1223 · 19/02/2021 19:48

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

OP posts:

Original poster

sal1223 · 11/05/2021 20:04

I'm angry with myself and it's doing my head in - one minute I love him and want to make a go of it and the next I think about what he's done and feel a fool .

OP posts:

Original poster

sal1223 · 11/05/2021 20:05

@XingMing yes I get that but a lot of this was riding on what happened after he told me , and it's been ok until the admission of calling her a month ago

OP posts:

IsThePopeCatholic · 11/05/2021 20:09

If you still love him, keep him. A close family member’s husband had several affairs over a short period of time. His wife took him back with the proviso that he have therapy. That was over 20 years ago and they are still together - and happy.

FourTurnings · 11/05/2021 20:12

Only you can decide. I’m not sure I could stay in the marriage but I’m not good at letting things go.

supersop60 · 11/05/2021 20:14

The fact that he called her suggests that he's been thinking about her. The fact that he failed to tell you about it, ie, lied, again, suggests he knew it was wrong.
And yet he still went ahead and did it.
OP, I'm sorry, he doesn't respect you, or the process of healing that you are allegedly going through.
You are not a fool. My DM used to say 'find the iron in your soul'.
He has crossed your boundaries again - you will only be a fool if you let him continue to do this.
You deserve better.

XingMing · 11/05/2021 20:21

Calling her is not the best sign of commitment to you and his children. That shifts the goalposts a bit. Like I said, I'm reading the last few posts from a long thread and don't know what's been covered. From my POV, at 64, I think it's all about how happy and comfortable your life together is. Obviously, this infidelity has torn your relationship to shreds and any trust felt in him before knowing is probably out with the rubbish.

BUT, and a huge but, a lot depends on your age now and the ages of your kids. I could forgive an infidelity after 30 years of marriage, because we've been together 37 years, and I know I am not as fanciable as I was all those years ago... but I still get chatted up by octogenarians . If I may be bluntly unemotional, I know my DH could stray but he won't stray far, because we have a life of work and saving and pensions and child together that counts for more than a random twitch and a momentary whim to feel young again. I don't suppose this helps much, but I hope it's helpful in clarifying your thoughts.

XingMing · 11/05/2021 20:24

It's a bit brutally unsentimental though.

WatchingPaintWet · 11/05/2021 20:24

Let's say that his latest explanation is true (and, let's face it, why would we? But here we go).

What he's just told you is, "I felt like I really wanted to get in contact with her to soothe my bad conscience. I knew that this would be going against what you'd said you wanted (no contact with her ever again) and would 'upset' you. Therefore the best thing to do was exactly what I wanted to do and then lie to you about it."

He's literally just told you that that is how he will act when his wants clash with your needs and the needs of your marriage.

He's just told you that that is how he will act even when he knows his marriage is hanging by a thread because of a deserved lack of trust caused by exactly that same behaviour.

He's just told you that, at best, his rank of priorities is:

Himself
Her
You.

I'm sorry, OP, but at this point I think this is just who he is.

It's even possible (though very doubtful) that he truly does see himself as needing to be 'honourable' by this woman in doing what he just did (how odd that these very strong morals weren't in play when he fucked her, eh?). In which case his own self-image is more important to him than your marriage.

I completely understand your feeling stuck - it's a whole life he's just upended for you - but I'm so, so angry on your behalf. He's a whining dickhead still very focused on "poor, poor me, I wouldn't blame you if you dumped me. Maybe I should just kill myself..." It's a tactic of trying to take all the wind out of your anger by heaping recriminations upon himself to try to make you reassure and take care of him. It's despicable.

katy1213 · 11/05/2021 20:26

He was an idiot to confess; he should have lived with his guilty conscience. But don't throw away 17 years of marriage and a happy home because of hurt pride and one night's foolishness. Let it go.

numberoneson · 11/05/2021 20:26

YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

He loves you; he comes home to you, not another woman; he tried to spare you the feelings you're going through now despite the enormous burden of guilt he's clearly been carrying. (Which I personally think was pretty damn noble of him - it's much easier to "confess" and cause pain in order to lessen one's own, and he's spent 3 years trying to spare you.)

Also, it was just sex. Sex without a relationship means nothing. (I've got the T-shirt)

You married him presumably because you loved him. Do you still? If so, let this go - tell him you feel desperately betrayed and hurt but that you understand it was a one off mistake and that it'll take you a wee while to feel secure again, but that yes, you do still love him.

Original poster

sal1223 · 11/05/2021 20:28

@WatchingPaintWet exactly - I know that's all true and it's brutal

OP posts:

Rubyrecka · 11/05/2021 20:30

This man is incredibly manipulative and you can’t seem to see through it op. The calling of the OW it was so HE got closure, he told your cos HE couldn’t bare it (apparently) it’s all about him. He’s selfish and the fact he called this women (why the f does he have her number?!) without your knowing just shows how much he doesn’t consider you in all of this. And you’ve been going to marriage counselling and he’s still acting like this.

You’ve gave it a good go, given him a second chance. Time for you to have some boundaries and self respect and get rid. He is not going to do anything stupid he is using it as a manipulation tactic to keep u in a place of fear so you won’t divorce him.

XingMing · 11/05/2021 20:32

You can haul it back to a calm married life, if YOU want to.

Rubyrecka · 11/05/2021 20:33

Just to add - there is more to relationships that just love. People keep saying if u love him then stay. Bollocks. Does his actions say he loves you? If you love yourself then you’ll know what the right decision is deep down.

Ladybirdkiss · 11/05/2021 20:35

If you explicitly told him not to contact her and it seems he went to lengths to get her number - this is a breach of trust completely. I don’t think I could trust him. Was it really to clear his conscience? Who knows what they were talking about. It would be a final insult for me and I’d be moving on

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 11/05/2021 20:37

Id have been absolutely livid that he decided to make himself feel better by confessing this. Now you feel like shit and he feels miles better. If he was any kind of a man he'd have shut up about it and owned the guilt he deserves to have. Id leave him for that selfish act alone not for sleeping with another woman.and. and all that she pursued me bollox is what all cheaters say. He didn't have to unzip his trousers.

Rubyrecka · 11/05/2021 20:39

@numberoneson

YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Also, it was just sex. Sex without a relationship means nothing. (I've got the T-shirt)

What a load of tripe!!!

katy1213 · 11/05/2021 20:40

You've barely mentioned the cocaine use. That would annoy me far more than one night with another woman. It might well be rife in the industry but doesn't mean he has to join in.

Sadsiblingatsea · 11/05/2021 20:42

Let it go.

LJ1995 · 11/05/2021 20:44

I can’t believe I’ve read all of this and you’ve still not left him.

Have some self respect.

Or at least have the decency to show your children how you should be treated and not show them you think any of this is acceptable.

GingerScallop · 11/05/2021 20:46

I think you need therapy. And he needs therapy. The you can decide. There is a lot we can advise but ultimately you will live with the decision. An experienced professional can help you sort your feelings. My worry is he didn't go no contact after his confession. He called her. That isn't a good sign

XingMing · 11/05/2021 20:47

BIL became very flirty and had an affair when his career was going wrong. It has been put firmly in the past. The fundamental trust is no longer present, but the pragmatism prevails. In any situation like this, the deal boils down to what do you value? It completely eradicates romantic notions of love forever, but it does not prevent people moving ahead into being grandparents and enjoying that together. Being best mates is sometimes the best option. Romantic love and physical passion does not often survive past 50. Count yourself lucky if yours has is my view.

ForeveronEtsy · 11/05/2021 20:48

This is so hard and I’m sorry you are in this awful position. I wouldn’t judge you for letting him stay, or kicking him out. It is really down to whether you can trust him and be intimate with him again after this. Take your time.

WatchingPaintWet · 11/05/2021 20:54

I'm sorry, OP, it is brutal and I hope I've helped rather than hurt.

Italiangreyhound · 11/05/2021 20:56

TwinkleToeMatilda "OP He keeps threatening his life... someone who truly is contemplating things like this does not openly tell someone. At least it’s rare."

I am not sure where you are getting that from. I think it is very unrealistic to suggest that.

He may be lying, he may not, he may try something, he may not.

OP in your shoes I would insist on counselling for him for his mental health. He sounds very unstable and that is very unfair on you and your children.

We have a suicidal family member, it is fucking terrifying and you have my sympathy for all he is putting you through at the moment.

Whatever you decide to do long term I would do all you can to get him to face this mental health issue/suicidation.

Then, when he is in a better place, I would try and calmly try to decide what you want to do.

My husband has never (to my knowledge) been unfaithful, nor I to him. So I cannot quite imagine how I would feel. But I do think I would try and decide what is best for me. That might be staying together or breaking up.

What he did in sleeping with someone when drunk, was despicable. Then he kept it secret for 3 years, was that bad, or was it worse he told you and unburdened himself?

The last thing he has done is contact the woman and then tried to lie about it and then told you the truth. He doesn't seem to be able to keep a secret for any length of time. Is that a good or bad thing? I just do not know.

I guess for me the fact he told her is not a bad thing, even though you told him not to. It is a selfish thing from him but I don't think it is necessarily about getting stories straight. After all, he told you the truth in the end so what would be the point of the charade of lying about some aspect of it.

Do you now know the full story? I don't know. And I think what he has done ultimately is to destroy some of your trust. But I guess not all of it. He hasn't remortgaged the house from under you or ill treated your kids, I hope. So, hopefully, you can still trust him in some things.

Is it OK to stay with someone you don't trust in some things? Maybe it is. But it is your decision.

For the sake of both your sanitizes he needs counselling and maybe together you can rebuild trust but only if he can put your needs somewhere high! He is selfish, self serving and a bit secretive (quite bad at it really).

But in all honestly, I do think many people are like that. He must have good qualities and it really depends if the good outweighs the bad, to me.

So I hope you make your peace. With whichever way you go.

XXXX [thank you]

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