To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

I'm holding it together thanks . I didn't think she deserved a call to tell her either , once again she knew something I didn't . He says it was for him and for him to put it to bed and get closure as it was eating him up that he'd wronged her as well . Still didn't tell me until I asked yesterday so that's a month of not telling me he called her and only saying yes when asked

He said he's trying to be a better person and as he'd hurt her he thought she should know that he's told me so his conscience is clear

This will go on for years, he’ll do loads of things you aren’t happy about and say it’s because of his mental health, his needs, him, him, him.

When I told him it was over last night he said he'll move home to his parents - in a different county and that he was having dark thoughts about having nothing to live for

@SwimBaby yes and he still hasn't called the doctors or sought help for it

Why can't I end it though? I know I should. It's beating me up inside - I'm back in with the kids so now the hysterical bonding is over if I can't be with him physically then we'll be done

Fear of the unknown, the years you’ve had together, the feeling the end of the marriage is a failure.

OP He keeps threatening his life... someone who truly is contemplating things like this does not openly tell someone. At least it’s rare. He sounds very manipulative and borderline abusive. I really hope you make the right choice and remove him from your life. You are so strong you can do it!

I could'nt get over the call to her .
I would struggle to get over the cheating ofcourse but the second chance given to him and He has managed to abuse that chance too .
I'd have to end it.

Good luck Op

He says he told her that we love each other and we are trying to get through it - I'd said he was absolutely not ok to contact her, I kept asking him if I 100% knew everything but I didn't know that and it wasn't on the phone bill . He'd deleted her number I front of me and then got it from someone at work-he did t tell me because he knew it would hurt me but it was something he had to do

So even though you've to forgive him, and put it behind you, he is still prioritising someone else's feelings and his own? Plus the usual guilt trip. Good luck

That's a lot of sneaking and lying just to get in contact with her. Was he giving her a heads up that you knew? Making sure their story was the same.

Whatever the reason he has lied and broken your trust once again.

If he did it for selfish reasons then he put himself and his feelings above you again.

I know 🥺 you're all right . Really want to contact her myself now but fighting the urge as I know it will only temporarily make me feel better , he's 100% to blame I know that - she knew he was married , knew me and so she's not blame-less

You only have his version of events and you know he’s a liar and a cheat, I really think there’s more to this than the version he’s telling you.

He thinks she was in love with him and that she left the country because he didn't leave me for her

She's marrying a woman now anyway 🙄 honestly what a shit show

Sorry but it sounds like getting stories straight

Ergh, fuck him a) for doing it b) unloading his guilt onto you because he couldn’t live with himself. Both shitbag behaviours.

I’m pretty sure I would find this hard to come back from. At the very least you need some time and space to think. I’m sorry that this has happened to you.

@LynnInAVan what do you mean?

Its your decision. But it was three years ago. If everything was OK now I wouldn't split up.

I have had literally so much going on in every aspect of my life since he told me - it's been mental and my head is spinning

I'm so sorry op. I was in a similar situation, my dh was unfaithful, I found out and then I found out he'd kept information from me for several months. I'd also decided to try and work through things before I found this out. But after that second betrayal I simply couldn't carry on regardless of how I felt about him. It was like the whole wound had been reopened again, but this time it festered and went bad. I left him after a few years (yes more fool me), I wish I'd left there and then, rather than waste another several years.

@sal1223 like he phoned her to agree what to say should you choose to clarify his story.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. He’s a shit

I agree with LynnInAVan

YANBU to keep him, if you want to. People fail, often via too much alcohol and regret a moment's madness. You have a life and DC together, and surely all of that is worth more to keep than to fling everything aside in a moment of anger and rejection. If it was a serious long term carrying on, I would say that you have had incompatible marital experiences. But, I have not read the whole thread. This is my spontaneous response.