To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

It's difficult op. Me personally, I couldn't get past this. But this isn't my life and it's easy for me to type it on here. I can understand your mums POV though.

Let your mum get her head around it, she'll just need some time. But also listen to what she has to say too - she's only looking out for you. Your H needs to face up to the fact that this effects everything and that includes facing up to others. That isn't your shame.

Leaving is hard. But so is staying - and this is part of that. It's not ever going to go back to how it was. It's all part of moving forward.

@NeilBuchananisBanksy thanks for that - you're right x

It might be worth exploring in the counselling op? He needs to hear it and they might help you with it. Best of luck x

@NeilBuchananisBanksy yes thought about mentioning it

I couldn’t get past this either, perhaps your mum is similar. It must also hurt a lot when someone hurts your daughter. I do agree that it’s good you are moving forward but I’d want to ensure he hasn’t got off lightly here and you keep your wits about you when he does go out socialising ( easy to say things until you are actually out drinking with mates spurring you on for more rounds) As they say time will tell . Good luck op 🤞

I’ve been following this thread since it started and it just seems to me that you are working your arse off. You must be completely exhausted. From your updates it never seems like your husband is willing to put the effort in but you are doing everything possible to try and save your marriage. I can’t help but think you deserve better. He did an unbelievably shitty thing and it will be hard to get over it but should it be this hard? I don’t think it’s going to be something you can just put behind you. I worry that you’ll try to make it work then in ten years time still be unable to forgive him or trust him and that is then ten years you’ve wasted. I know you’re putting your children first and quite right too but one day they’ll leave,it may seem like a long way away but it soon passes. How will you feel when it’s just you and him? I just hope you’re thinking of yourself at this time. Hope you’re ok

@Lovelivesmile @Dita73 thanks for the replies . Yes I get it with mum and I'd probably be the same - I'm hurt so she's hurt.
I feel like in time I'll just know - not 10 years from now much much sooner . I'm not 100% on board with wanting it to work , I do but I am trying to stay realistic and aware that my feelings are changing and evolving as this goes along . So many emotions flying around still it's difficult to stay on one , like a spinning wheel of fortune almost . I can't kid myself though , if in a few months time my hearts not in it I'll be done - I can't fake it I feel like I'll know x

I wish you luck OP.

Sounds like you've come a long way @sal1223 make sure this is all on your terms. Your mum will come round eventually, imagine if it was your DD who had been cheated on. Hope DH is making the effort x

@FuckYouCorona @espressoontap thank you both . Yes I'd be gutted if it happened to one of mine - we've had another marriage counselling session which was good , we're both hurting just me more because of his betrayal. She thinks there is hope for us , I only think there's hope for us if he really pulls it out the bag now x

Hey 👋 anyone that might still see this . It's been just over a month and I'm doing ok - still haven't got a true representation of what life will be like 'our new normal' when everywhere's open so still a bit guarded waiting for that. We've been getting on ok though and he's been making a huge effort around the house , with the kids and getting the garden ready -with me I think he's a bit guarded too to be honest coz I've been a bit hit and cold , what I'm struggling with mainly is the images , the mini movies of what he did. The marriage counsellor said these will pass eventually . I've also noticed I'm a bit more receptive to being checked out lately which is funny and a nice ego boost! - I wonder if that's par for the course when you've been betrayed that your door is open on the crack - we'll see .

Glad you're doing ok. I suppose it's a bit early to tell if you can work things out, just make sure you're looking after yourself.

@cakecakecheese thanks and yes I'm trying - my company is merging with a really big one so that's giving me plenty to get on with

I was wondering how things were going. I hope that you can both do the Phoenix from the ashes thing x

@sal1223

Hey 👋 anyone that might still see this . It's been just over a month and I'm doing ok - still haven't got a true representation of what life will be like 'our new normal' when everywhere's open so still a bit guarded waiting for that. We've been getting on ok though and he's been making a huge effort around the house , with the kids and getting the garden ready -with me I think he's a bit guarded too to be honest coz I've been a bit hit and cold , what I'm struggling with mainly is the images , the mini movies of what he did. The marriage counsellor said these will pass eventually . I've also noticed I'm a bit more receptive to being checked out lately which is funny and a nice ego boost! - I wonder if that's par for the course when you've been betrayed that your door is open on the crack - we'll see .

Glad to see this. Sounds like he may have realised what a twat he's been. Hope company merge goes well x

I think the way you have handled is amazing though I'm sure it doesn't feel like it. You've kept your head and constantly assessed the situation, the self awareness you've used to help you make your choices had been all the more admirable for the courage it has taken to face. I hope he appreciates what he's got and is genuinely remorseful. Your mum is on a trajectory of her own as a bystander to her daughter's life, keep communicating with her, just because she can't see the wisdom of your choice now doesn't mean she won't as she comes to her own understanding of what drive your decision, and it is ok for her to be supportive of you without agreeing with you, I'm sure every parent has had to do that at times.
Hope it all works out for the best in the end. Good luck.

@RealisticSketch thank you so much ❤️

So thought I'd update if anyone is still around - it's been 3 months since he told me -things have been ok and on the mend -couple of tricky moments of me getting triggered and losing it which I suppose is to be expected. Until yesterday when for some reason I decided to ask him if he'd contacted her since telling me , I had said I didn't want him to contact her again EVER . And he said YES he called her a month ago to tell her he'd told me what happened and to say sorry for using her - he says he needed to for his mental health and trying to be a good person, he needed closure - failed to mention it to me tho 👍

I said we were done I was furious and felt cheated / kept in the dark again and then today I just can't let him go - after everything he's done why can't I?? It's driving me mad - I know what's the right thing to do , I know I'll be fine and the kids will be fine so why can't I kick him out 😔😔😔😔

I think the guilt tripping (emotional blackmail) 'I don't deserve you all' 'I'll have nothing' 'I've ruined all of our lives and will have nothing to live for' has something to do with it

What a shock. Take some time to decide what you want. I’m not playing down what he did but it was once, 3 years ago.

Feels like you’re bolting the door after the horse has bolted to be honest.

He had absolutely no need to call her. None at all. Why are you standing for this? You deserve so much better yet this git knows exactly what to say to you so you end up almost sympathising with him! Please kick his arse out. This isn’t going to go away and he’s just taking the piss out of you constantly

Reading this thread has made me sad. You’ve put yourself through so much and for what? To stay with a man who clearly does not give a shit about you? Please please please leave him. You are worth so much more than all this.

Sorry to read your update OP, you know what you have to do. Never mind his mental health, how about yours?