To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

I'm having a really upset day today and youngest having another screaming day - marriage counselling tomorrow evening and I'm hoping she helps give some clarity

You will be up and down.

And I think with any high, there's a comedown - so you have the euphoric hysterical bonding sex and then there's the crash.

You've a long way to go yet, it's still only a couple of weeks really since you found out. Don't expect too much of yourself.

I hope the marriage counselling is helpful.

@category12 thanks , I think it's just this vision of how good things could be between us mixed with the realisation of what he's done and how long he lied and made an absolute fool of me - I know no one knows but I know and feel just so humiliated

Quick update if anyone still there , marriage counselling was good - gave us both lots to think about. He's calling the doctors Monday about his mental health and says that he won't drink outside of being at home with me and sharing a bottle of wine - he's become more empathetic to the situation since talking to the counsellor and seems to be taking me seriously about the intolerance I'll have towards his drinking . X

That sounds positive.

That sounds much more positive!

Thank you both - I am feeling more positive . If he addresses his issues and changes the traits that have caused problems I feel like I could get past the one night and if he doesn't then I know it's time to call it a day x

Yes, I agree. It’s the changes that mean he’s sorry and serious. Without those, i couldn’t regain trust. Keep us updated op, hoping he keeps to his words. It sounds like he had a bit of a revelation at the counselling

I know it's not the right way but sometimes I think it takes an outside force to help with perspective like the marriage councillor did, he's been talking to a close friend of ours that's teetotal too (he doesn't know what's happened) but it's helped and on top of that 2 of our closest friends have just called time on their 13 year partnership and the dad is moving to a little flat nearby - total shock as they were on the surface 'perfect' so a combination of outside things and time have helped him so far

@Lovelivesmile thank you x yes that was what was holding me back so yes we'll see

And revelation definitely , I do hope we're in the 16% (or something like that) of couples that make it out the other side - we have a long history and a lot of good years behind us plus two beautiful children x

That sounds much more positive and that he's taking it seriously now. I hope he means it.

Oh good, things are looking up! It will be really good if he is committed to this, will make all the difference.

Best of luck

I don’t think infidelity has to be the end
IF you believe this is a one off
I’m curious why he told you though
As if this truly was a one off , ignorance is bliss surely ....
If there were other bad behaviours I’d be saying use this as a get out card
But If things are truly pretty good , I’d try and delve more into why he felt he had to share this

Honestly Had I had a drunken one night stand in an otherwise decent relationship I’d box it , lock the box , throw the box away personally

Allow yourself time to process this and think hard if is this presents an opportunity to reboot , or it’s a deal breaker (which is totally ok )

I do believe this was a one off - he says he told me because the guilt was eating him up , he has always prided himself on being honest and usually is honest as they come we had no secrets - he said he couldn't keep lying to me and had to tell the truth and face the consequences

But he lied for three years, I would struggle with that. If you feel guilty and you’re an honest type you’d fess you straight away surely? Anyway, I hope he keeps his promises and comes off drink and drugs and remains committed

I think it's time to stop listening to those urging you to leave or pointing out where he's been at fault, because you're on your own path. You have both taken positive steps and I wish you all the luck in the world - you can definitely get past this and come out stronger, if it's what you both really want. Well done - you have coped amazingly well even if you don't feel that way.

Yes he did lie as he was scared he'd lose me and the kids
@sixthtimelucky thank you I'm feeling much more positive and feeling strong , I think I've surprised myself at how strong I am over this which means if it doesn't work out and he doesn't do what he says I'll be strong enough to walk away x

I’m glad the counselling is helping and I really hope your H is sincere in what he is saying. Time will tell, of course, but it sounds to me as if you need to try this route for your own peace of mind. Do keep going to the solo counselling sessions in the meantime, these will help you gain clarity over you thoughts, feelings and what you want to happen.

@Giraffey1 thanks and yes time will tell . Taking to the counsellor solo was really no different to talking to my 2 closest friends about this , it was really just thinking out loud so I'm not sure I will continue with it because it's costly . Marriage counselling booked for next week though so will continue with that for now post edited by MNHQ

Really glad the counselling was positive, Sal - time will tell if it makes any lasting difference, but I honestly wouldn't be too quick to knock it on the head

To be blunt it's a darned sight cheaper than a divorce, and you don't want him to think a couple of hours chatting about this is all he'll ever have to do

@sixthtimelucky

I think it's time to stop listening to those urging you to leave or pointing out where he's been at fault, because you're on your own path. You have both taken positive steps and I wish you all the luck in the world - you can definitely get past this and come out stronger, if it's what you both really want. Well done - you have coped amazingly well even if you don't feel that way.

This is so wise.

@Puzzledandpissedoff no the marriage counselling is going to continue , it's the solo counselling I had that I think I'm going to stop for now , I told her I will be back in touch at a later date but for now focusing on the marriage one x

I'd let it go. Have him make it up to you with lovely treatment for a while. I've felt that guilt before and it really is sickening and soul destroying.

Marriages have problems, but if you live eachother I wouldn't give up on it.

Saw my mum today and told her we're oooking to work on our marriage and give it a shot -she's seemed pretty unhappy about this - wishes I hadn't told her really . She said she's going to find it so hard being around him . I told her she needs to trust me because I won't stay married if it doesn't work and turns to sh!t -she said she doesn't need to trust me and that she's really disappointed. I don't know what to say to her now , I feel like she's seeing it as weakness when I've told her I am stronger than I thought I was 😐