To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

I think in some ways he was dealing with the shock of telling me badly , this is totally uncharted territory for both of us which has now calmed down a bit so we are being civil and are able to The way I've been looking at is

Sorry posted too soon. We are able to talk calmly at the moment

I feel like the tables have turned somewhat in that I have the upper hand - it's been the other way around the last few years really looking back as I've always been tied with the kids and he's done what he's liked (it's not all been bad btw , I did start this thread stating we had a mostly happy marriage - which we did just with a more recent reoccurring theme of him going out drinking with his mates and raking the piss) Having the upper hand isn't ideal long term , I'd much prefer it levels out into an equal team
Effort .

The way I've been looking at it is whatever happens now - I'll ultimately be happy

If we stay married then he'll have to make the changes required, if he pulls it off and does what he says he'll do then there is a chance we could be good again - I couldn't stay married to him if I was depressed or anxious all the time , if I was too stressed and hurt.
And if we do split then I wouldn't spend the rest of my pining over someone that didn't love me enough - I'll be happy

Honestly you have all been so amazing taking the time over this last (nearly 2 weeks 😳) to post replies and share / care . I wish I could meet you all in real life and give you a big hug .

I'm so pleased you have reached a point where you can see a future even if you don't know which path it will be yet. I think you are amazing how fast you have come in such a short time in such a big shock. I hope he appreciates your point of view and what an amazing lady and mum you are even if your future is not together.

Far not fast! 🙄

@RealisticSketch thank you that's so kind. I've surprised myself with all of this I really have

I admire that. I'm sure you have ups and downs to come but you're doing amazingly well and your dignity is intact.

Hmm it is for now but I'm really fighting the urge this afternoon to contact the OW , what's stopping me is it opening a can of worms and her telling people back in her home town - where he works. She's apparently very ashamed of what happened and didn't want people to know she'd slept with a married man/father . I'm not sure it'll make me feel better or worse giving her a piece of my mind

I would want to talk to her to find out her side of the story not to have a go at her. She did wrong but 99% of the blame lies with dh as he was actually married.

@NeptunesGaze yes I know that . The feeling has passed - I believe him about what happened whether anyone thinks that's right or wrong.

Someone talk to me about 'hysterical bonding'
Please - does it pass ? Did you act on it ? I can't believe it's not been mentioned yet 😟

I think hysterical bonding is very common in cheating scenarios. It's a way to try to force a rebonding, and also to try to exorcise the other woman from the picture sexually speaking. Reimprint yourself on each other's skin.

I don't have personal experience with it but I think most of the time I've seen it referred to here the woman winds up regretting it. It's more an act of desperation than a true expression of love and intimacy. At the end one feels very empty and hollow, the sex is a mockery of something that was precious in a monogamous relationship.

Why do you mention it OP? Is it happening for you? No judgment, but I doubt it's the best thing for you right now.

Yes, did the hysterical bonding thing with my ex.

It's like part of you is screaming to get everything back to normal as fast as possible so the pain will stop. And sex is comforting physically and it feels bonding and passionate and like you've got the spark back from before kids and everyday life. It's heady stuff.

But it's papering over, and unfortunately IME the bloke takes it as "well that's blown over then" plus "I'm getting laid like you wouldn't believe".

Hi OP. I just wanted to say that I went through almost identical situation (drunk ONS after a work do) except he told me after a fortnight not three years later. He was consumed by guilt and I'd realised something was wrong, he'd always been very honest and straightforward so it was written all over his face and he couldn't hide it anymore.

It was about twenty years ago now and our marriage is still intact (it's not perfect, but issues aren't connected to what happened)

I actually found we became closer in the years that followed, and ever since I've felt stronger, and that I have the upper hand in the relationship (like I could walk away at any point, and I would be okay)
It does take time, but you'll get there, if that's what you want.

I remember being so consumed by it at the time, I did try and ring the OW but she wouldn't answer, so I sent her some texts telling her exactly what I thought of her instead. I can think about it now and I just don't feel anything really, it's almost like it happened to someone else.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide 💐

@strawberry777 hey thanks for sharing . One of the only people to comment that have gotten past it .

So yeah the hysterical bonding thing - what a cruel trick of Mother Nature !

@CraftyYankee it happened the other night - it was like I've never been so horny in my life . I was looking at him like when we'd got together and wanted to feel wanted I suppose-it helps that he's 6ft 7 , muscular and handsome 🙄 ffs . I explained that I didn't know why or what I was feeling - it in no way means reconciliation, I thought it might help get the visions of them out of my head . I told him that and explained that it's called hysterical bonding and goes back to a primeval mating / marking territory kind of thing and that it goes against everything I feel for him at the moment . He said he understands and would go along with whatever I wanted because he loves me and hates what he's done to us , said he'd missed me and then we made mad passionate love , not the quickies we're used to this was so different . Afterwards when he asked if I'm ok and how do I feel etc I said that I felt I believed that he loved me and wants to make this work- whether I'm on board with that I'm yet to decide . It has helped having a more recent experience with him to tame the wild mini movies I've had of him with someone else and actually made me feel empowered somewhat - whether that's a good thing or not who knows but I thought about it carefully before hand / read about it / and went for it -gave in to the aching mad feelings - honestly like nothing I've ever experienced in my life 🤯
Please don't judge 🥺

No judgment here. But keep seeing the therapist, and maybe try to keep the physical and emotional parts separate? You can enjoy the sex but still hate what he's done to you and your marriage.

The real tests will be when life goes back to normal, and he's out drinking and you're not having hysterical bonding sex. Will you be able to trust him? Only you can decide what you are willing to live with.

Yes exactly and until life does go back to normal I'm just not going to know - if he does everything he says he's going to do then the way I feel at the moment is that we have a chance - if he doesn't then I'm gone because I have my boundaries and as long as I respect them from now on I will only have a happy marriage - or no marriage !

@CraftyYankee and yes I get what you're saying about trying to keep the emotional part out of it - which is pretty hard but then I'm getting my needs met at the moment - tough shit if he ends up getting hurt x

He was super emotional before hand - crying when I let him hug me 😳

And I hope you're not doing wifework for him? Even if you don't or can't have him move out, don't do anything for him. He needs to have a look at what he risked for a shag.

Well its all working out nicely for your DH, isn't it? I'd have a read back over this thread & see how he's treated you & how he's NOT prepared under any circumstances to fight for your relationship. Will only throw you the odd crumb to pacify you, which currently you seem to be lapping up. You & your DC deserve better than this!

Yeah, like I said before, heady stuff.

Please keep seeing the therapist alone op.

I'm worried you aren't getting the space from him to process it all. Where couples have successfully reconciled it's usually been after some time apart to gain some perspective. They also get support from families and friends.

Please put yourself first. Your H has it far too easy and has shown very little remorse so far. The tears are crocodile tears and he has form for being manipulative.

However you come out of this, things will never go back to normal. Different, not normal.

@FuckYouCorona I don't know that lapping it up is the right term , I don't feel like that's what I'm doing

@CraftyYankee no not doing any wife stuff

I don’t think he’s been punished for doing what he did. Everyone needs to feel that to change. He’s not been kicked out, he’s not felt the loss of his family and now he’s getting the best sex ( the thing he mentioned was lacking) yes you may have argued etc but he’s got off Scot free. He’s not even having to give up drinking or anything. He must be loving this, I don’t believe all the tears (after his anger and manipulation after the event) Sorry - those tears aren’t remorse. You aren’t showing him this has nearly ended your marriage, he has no incentive not to do this again. He’ll assume you’ll just be annoyed for two weeks then back to sex and he can go back to his pints.
I don’t know if what you’ve done is part of healing etc but you need to really think about your responses to all this. I don’t think you are being tough enough. Sorry just my view