To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

How was counselling?

@category12 yeah I know 🙄😣

The counselling wasn't all that useful - I've had daily counsel from my 2 closest friends and through talking about it with them I've been able to organise my thoughts better and work out where I stand in the different issues at play here . So it was the same taking to the counsellor really - I liked her though and am going to speak to her again

That’s good, I guess the one difference is that your counsellor won’t be emotional in her responses like friends would be who are upset for you. When is dh starting counselling?

Yes and they are so upset for me 😓

Can people stop saying that if the OP decided the marriage was over then she'd be "throwing it away"? If anyone has done that, it was her husband when he cheated. You could argue she'd be throwing away the opportunity for something new by staying.

@Biffbaff yes and what sticks out is someone saying my marriage is over (which it is) do I want a new marriage to the same (but apparently) different man in this case

[quote sal1223]@Biffbaff yes and what sticks out is someone saying my marriage is over (which it is) do I want a new marriage to the same (but apparently) different man in this case [/quote]
Have you decided the answer yet OP? Or do you think you need more time?

Need more time x

Completely understandable. Really difficult to come to a decision with him there too. I would certainly look at ways he can go somewhere else for a week or two. Maybe to one of his work mates if they're such good buddies

It just feels like it's all on me now when he's the one who did this - if I'd known the next day I'd have probably kicked him out but to find out later - although it's all his fault it would feel like me ending the marriage . I don't really want him to go anywhere at the moment because of the kids - my youngest wouldn't understand and it would cause so much upset

Yes, it's so unfair he's put this on you, that he's done this.

And if you do stay, you're going to hit rocks such as, when he does get rat-arsed again - and what to do then, whether you end it then, apparently "just because" he got drunk.

I mean, I'm coming from the perspective that I don't really believe that someone with those drinking habits will stop binge-drinking successfully. So come the summer, or maybe in a year or two year's time, he'll get shit-faced and break his word to you - and you'll be faced with sucking it up or breaking up.

@category12 well yes exactly - I'm not feeling today like I'll be able to move on from this with him, even if he did all the right things it's the loss and grief I'm feeling and shattered trust - I don't think I'd ever be able to trust him to be responsible and make the right choices

The other think that's bothering me today is lying to my family (by omission) at the moment - I saw my brother yesterday and he knew something was up . By not telling them I'm protecting him and it's not sitting well with me

If I told them they'd never speak to him again

I didn't tell my family initially because I think I felt like they'd hate him and it's not the kind of thing you can take back - also because then it made more real and like you have to do something about it.

It's shit, it really is.

I understand your youngest child's needs complicate things, I imagine switching from having daddy here to not having him here one week to the next week would be difficult, so maybe the solution is to get him to move out longer term until he's proven he will change.

On a practical level how would things be looking after your dc etc as a single parent? If it comes to that.

I'm close to my mum so she helps out when I need her thankfully . I don't think it would help with my trust issues having him move out that's the thing , I'd be stressed out wondering what he's doing and where he is and would have to trust him to be honest . For now I'm giving him a wide birth , he's been getting on with dealing with the kids - I've had a terrible fever since my vaccination Friday and they've slept in with him for 2 nights now which is unheard of . I really don't know how I feel about him today - I'm not really feeling anything , I've cried thinking about what he did but other than that I'm not feeling love towards him or anger or anything really - totally blank really at the moment

How are you, @sal1223?

@espressoontap thanks for asking . I’m ok feeling much stronger now and have had lots of calm discussions . Still don’t know what I want to do but have a marriage therapy session booked which I’m hoping will help. Just such a weird feeling to almost disagree with your own feelings if that makes any sense . I feel wrong and ashamed for not wanting it to call it a day just yet . But then I have pangs of no he can F right off. He’s spoken to Gum clinic and says he is going to try and speak to docs tomorrow . Says he’ll never have any big nights out , never wants to get in a state again - he thinks he can manage a couple of pints then home

It's such a crap situation, I can't imagine waiting up for DH to come home after drinks or a night out not knowing when he'll be back/what state he'll be in/what he's been up to 😔

And I've said I'll never do that again - and he said I won't need to because he'll be here and be home early from any works dos etc. I feel confident that if he did slip up and ever make me feel that way again I'd know for sure that he'll never change no matter what's at stake and we'd be 100% over. I can't remember the saying but along the lines of fool me once shame on you , fool me twice shame on me -president bush tried to say it once and ballsed it up but I get the gist and that's how I feel about it. But I'm well aware that even tomorrow I might feel differently - my feelings and emotions won't stay still long enough to predict which way it will go x

It's very hard. Everything is so pressurised with lockdown etc. I can't imagine the battle with your emotions. I hope the counselling helps, I really think he should be willing to give up the booze if he wants to save the marriage. Maybe when we return to normal you'll feel differently. You deserve better - always remember that.

I think it’s going to be hard to just have a couple of pints and come home. If he stays out late one night or gets drunk - do you leave for breaking that promise? I would be on edge every time he went out wondering if he’d be back on time. It’s very hard to live like that. Good luck op

I agree he should give up booze and drugs. After what he’s done - he’s not changing anything massively that caused the issue. I’d worry with ‘he thinks he can manage a couple of pints’ - even he doesn’t sound convinced. Hope counselling helps you see what to do

He really doesn't sound as though he gets that what happened was his responsibility. Fully. He is blaming drink, blaming issues in your marriage. Always an excuse.