To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

Thanks , we've had a row tonight a big one - still blaming me for always being in with my youngest - but says he's hit rock bottom and now he's told me will be the husband and father we deserve . He doesn't think it would be normal life to never go out for a drink again, he says he knows now he wouldn't go over the top and that he's never going to go off the rails again. I said I don't know if I can live with that

I think there's been a lot of dramatics from him and that if it came to the crunch he's not prepared to give up having a social life that involves alcohol (he will prove to me he can be sensible) but I don't think I want to wait to find out . Even if he says he would and did it for a year maybe I don't think it would last

But besides everything else - he slept with someone else and didn't tell me which I know I should leave him over

It'd be a NO from me 🌺

If he can't bring himself to agree to not drinking when he's out socialising to keep his wife and children then surely, that tells you everything you need to know?
What exactly is he doing to put right the damage he has caused?
All he's done is blame you and made excuses for his vile behaviour.
He's not exactly falling over himself is he 😕

No he's not 😞 he's just saying that now he's told me he doesn't want to go and get blotto anymore and he would rather just go have a few and come home to his wife and kids. From what he said last night I still think he blames the lack of bed sharing , like I said before it's been going on for a long time and very difficult to avoid when my child doesn't understand or talk - I've chosen my child and chosen sleep over him. Like Coral said , he thinks there are lots of 'reasons' he did it - and that's not ok

Lack of bed sharing was top of my ones list too.. baby was still breastfeeding 🤦‍♀️

This has gone on for years tho and I get it but instead of having the odd tantrum about it he should have talked to me seriously about ways we could address it - I've just bought the kids a new bunk bed and have been looking at a new one for us to really have a go at the sleeping arrangements the week before he told me

@sal1223

This has gone on for years tho and I get it but instead of having the odd tantrum about it he should have talked to me seriously about ways we could address it - I've just bought the kids a new bunk bed and have been looking at a new one for us to really have a go at the sleeping arrangements the week before he told me

That’s really interesting timing. Maybe he actually wants out, doesn’t want to fix anything & is too weak to tell you so he decided to drop this bombshell instead in the hopes you’d leave him?

He sounds horrible tbh, he’s left all the parenting worry and work to you and been doing nothing but please himself for years, and then blamed you for being unavailable.

I know - it's a vicious circle that he started , by not giving the support and getting swept up with his friends and what they do he neglected me so things were tense back then and I didn't want to have sex with him because I didn't feel loved and supported - I'm sure we had sex at some point my memories have just brought up a weekend away a few months prior to all this

My friends have two autistic children and she also has a degenerative disorder. He’s the most loving husband and he doesn’t deal with the hardships by blaming her, his family , getting pissed or shagging. Please don’t bend to believe his ‘reasons’ mean you did anything wrong or have to change. It’s his fault and he’s shifting the blame. Until he realises it’s his fault he won’t change. You’re right , normal kind and caring people talk about problems in their marriage - they don’t do what he did.
I also can’t believe he won’t try to stop drinking. It was a couple now it’s a few. Of course he will get drunk.
I would not be able to move forward with him. It would be over, I simply couldn’t trust he wouldn’t find ‘reasons’ to cheat again or to drink heavily and take drugs or abuse my trust in a multitude of ways.
I hope counselling today is helpful to start moving forward x

@reader12 and yes I suppose it is interesting timing - I was really committed to sorting the bed situation out . We'd also been watching married at first sight and this guy doesn't know his 'wife' of 2 weeks 🙄 (I know it's total trash ) anyway he didn't know Ines had cheated and I was like wow what a fool she's made of him sat there oblivious just feel so sorry for him- and there's me sat there the biggest fool!!

So he’s now in full martyr mode - he’ll do you the great favour of staying even though he’ll have to live in misery with no fun and no drinking etc but he’s doing this for you you know so don’t you dare complain!!

As always actions not words, words are cheap! What has he actually done to show he’s serious about changing?

@Biscuitsanddoombar he won’t get blotto but still wants to socialise and have ‘a few’ so not actually doing anything to change

I'm just coming new to this.

I'm sorry but I might have a different opinion. As follows:

1. It is not just your feelings but your pride that has been hurt. You aren't just hurt but enraged that this happened behind your back.

It is absolutely infuriating. I agree.
But.
In time you need to get over it, otherwise it becomes something bigger snd more important than it ever should be. It shouldn't have happened, he's finally been truthful, snd now it should be forgotten.

1. Your marriage, live and children are all waaaaaaaay more precious and important than this drunken madness. 3 years ago.

1. It's a dreadful shock but he's done the right thing in speaking up, if he couldn't cope with it.

Go to counselling if you need to.
But honestly don't Chuck your family away over this.

Finding love snd family again with someone else is much harder than it's portrayed.

Work on things with him if you can.

Of course you don't have to forgive him. But I think you should.

He hasn't had an affair. And she went away. Big plus points.

Work on it. And forgive him.

That's my advice.

I meant your marriage love and kids more important

Sorry for auto correct

@muppette have you read the whole thread , it goes beyond a ons, it’s his awful behaviour since which stands in the way of forgiveness. He doesn’t want to change anything, is entitled and blames ow , op and the world for his mistake ...

If alcohol is your line that's fine, but I think it's more about his remorse and actually understanding the gravity if what he did.

I do think it's a big ask for him to stop drinking, if he's not a massive drinker at the moment.

People use alcohol as an excuse...it wasn't the alcohol that led to him cheating and making it about that just clouds things.

I think it makes you feel a little better if you believe alcohol caused it, because the alternative is he cheated because he wanted to. I don't say that to hurt you...but you're trying to rationalise and search for why he did it.

It's like saying he can't see a set if friends who were present when he was cheating and who are a bad influence....at the end of the day he's an adult and has to take personal responsibility for his actions.

I still think if he stopped being defensive and got some help in knowing how you feel...it would make a huge difference to you staying together. He's not proactive in doing that, but some people need a push before they get it.

There shouldn't be any minimising of the infidelity and no silly excuses from him.

I mentioned earlier that a great resource for him is the surviving infidelity website.

I feel sorry for both of you. People are infallible and make mistakes. Alcohol /drugs will have had a massive part to play. It is unlikely that he looks back at it with anything other than revulsion for what he did. It doesn't mean he didn't/doesn't love you. I can see that his decision to tell you has been excruciating for him and that telling you was ultimately better than suicide.

I think you can get beyond this but compromise has to be made on both sides.
By asking your husband do give up his social life (which involves a drink) this is a lose lose situation. He either loses you or his social life. Will he be the best version of himself if he is unhappy? I suspect that he is not being entitled as such but realistic that the lack of balance/trust in his life will not make the marriage work.

I think the compromise could be, to cut down on socials / drinking until the marriage is on a more even keel. It is totally normal that you want to punish him and have more control of the situation but after a period of making amends it will be important for your relationship to move on.

I wouldn't throw away a good marriage to someone you love over conversations that might be badly worded or thoughts / fears that are badly expressed.

He will have to understand that trust will need to be rebuilt, which might mean, going out less, reassuring texts / phone calls when out/ avoiding the big nights out. Cutting out drug use completely (this is a totally reasonable request )

Lockdown is exacerbating these feelings as there is little escape. Could you stay at your parents for a week or two.
You will heal, other thoughts will take over, the pain will dull. No relationship is a fairytale. Ask yourself, is he your best friend? Can you work through this? Can you put a 6 month time scale on it with no pressure to make a decision now?

People do make mistakes - but most people don’t cheat on their spouses. If a mistake is made they then show what actions they will do to make amends and to avoid repeating It. He said to op he was blind drunk and on drugs as one of the reasons for cheating. Therefore, if op needs him to stop drinking to feel comfortable and build trust that’s what he needs to do. He’s not even attempting to make up to her for what he’s done. He’s not even trying. That’s the issue. It’s not just about making a mistake - it’s how you react afterwards.

Of course it is and I agree - what makes this so much harder tho is that in lockdown we are not living 'real life' 'normal life' so him asking me to trust that he won't do all the things that have causes issues (which is a stretch anyway because I he's just shattered my trust) at the moment we are either at work or home , there's no opportunity for him to prove anything to me

He said he will seek counsel also - regardless of what he's done I think that would help as this is big life changing stuff which ever way it turns out

In the three years since he had sex with someone else, has he got really drunk and partied hard?

Yes I've mentioned before that in that time he has been off the rails - he says this is as he wasn't coping and wanted to escape from himself - which will all change now he's told me the truth . He hasn't actually had a proper drink since before Xmas - their non-Xmas do and he was home by 11 not plastered , before that it was August bank holiday which caused a massive fall out and was awful x

Hmm, so he was off the rails for whatever reason before, and afterwards he was off the rails because he cheated, and now, while opportunity is limited and he's confessed, all has changed and he'll never go off the rails again. I see.