To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

But they went in to take all of their clothes off and you know the rest . I'm getting upset again now thinking about the details

What I mean is kissing her was crossing the line , straight after why didn't he stop and regret that? Why was it only after the whole thing - see now I want to ask him and it means bringing it all up again 😖😖😖

You've only known about it a week, of course you're going to need to bring it up and go over it again. This is entirely normal. How you're feeling is entirely normal.

Look @sal1223, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you really must try and stop this. It’s doing you no good at all. For your own sake, go and play with your kids, watch a film, do whatever makes you feel better and occupies your mind.

Give yourself a rest from posting on MN and talking about it. Give your brain a chance to process. It’s a shit situation but you’re going to make yourself ill like this.

@sal1223

What I mean is kissing her was crossing the line , straight after why didn't he stop and regret that? Why was it only after the whole thing - see now I want to ask him and it means bringing it all up again 😖😖😖

He wasn’t full of regret after he kissed her. He was drunk and high and wanted to shag her and so he did. Because he felt entitled to.

That’s the only reason anyone cheats - their sense of entitlement.

It’s not because they were attracted to someone or were lonely or stressed. It’s not because they were tired from looking after their kids or upset because their gran had died. Most/ all of these things have happened to me and to you OP and to most of us on this thread.

But we didn’t cheat because we knew it was wrong and we didn’t want to hurt our partner and kids.

The problem is his sense of entitlement. And that’s a hard thing to change.

You can see it in him now. He’s full of what he wants and how the Op has to change. He has no guilt because deep down he doesn't actually think he did anything wrong. It wasn’t his fault because Reasons.

And he will do it again next time he feels he has Reasons.

👏 @C0RAL spot on.

He needs to understand there are no reasons to cheat. He needs to know he is at fault and only him. He needs to want to change from that person that did that to his family. He might be a person that can never understand these things and it seems he is from his current behaviour.
I’m not sure counselling would even help him because he doesn’t seem to really believe any of it lies with him. I don’t know how you move forward unless he has a complete 360 turnaround op.

I don't really get it :- The problem is his sense of entitlement. And that’s a hard thing to change.

And I have been working today and looking after the kids which is a good distraction , but my youngest is having a 'screaming' day - but yes I probably should take a break , it's just hard when things have been said and happening and I've wanted to get my thoughts out

Yeah, CORAL, for the second time in a couple of pages you are absolutely right.

that’s all he wants is to be normal and enjoy our lives together and be there for our children and watch them grow up

Got drunk
Took drugs
Fucked someone else
Kept it a secret, lying by omission for years
Unburdened himself after years to make himself feel better
Told you he was suicidal ie be pleased I told you and don't shout at me or I'll kill myself
Told you he felt better for telling you
Told you it was your fault he fucked someone else as you didn't give him enough time
Said if he left he wouldn't see the kids much
Said if he left he might move abroad
Said he would stay if YOU made more effort

So him fucking someone else, telling you years later to ease his conscience and feeling suicidal about the guilt has turned into him attempting to persuade HIM you can make him happy with more time and nights out?!

What should you say to him?

"Fuck off, you entitled little prick."

That's what.

@youvegottenminuteslynn 😞 I know

He's had three years of being faithful whilst drinking, if he's telling the truth, so he doesn't think it's a problem.

His betrayal is brand new to you OP. I don't think he understands that to you his cheating happened days ago.

He's extremely selfish, and totally lacking in any empathy.

[quote sal1223]@youvegottenminuteslynn 😞 I know[/quote]
I'm so angry on your behalf

I know it doesn't feel like it but in a way it's good he's shown how little he is willing to do to make things work. Instead of him saying the right things for months, promising not to drink then doing it etc, he's made it clear he's an entitled little prick who basically wants to have a fun, easy life in which he is forgiven for appalling behaviour no matter what.

I absolutely PROMISE you will be happier without a man who has done something unforgivable to many people then made the relationship totally toxic with his actions from the point of discovery onwards.

He's made it impossible for you to trust in him respecting you as an equal teammate - the minimum you should expect from a partner.

I'd never really thought of it the way @C0RAL explains it but that's spot on

If you take anything from this thread OP, then listen to Coral.

I wish you well.

Thanks everyone , I need the entitlement thing in layman's terms tho I'm struggling to get my foggy heard around it x

He thought he deserved it based on everything? . Looking back at pictures from that time and remembering that time - I didn't think things were that bad 😣 we had our moments and I apparently told him we should divorce ! Haven't spoken to him tonight and will avoid him tomorrow , he's out the house 7-6 anyway

He felt he had the right to do what he did, the right to unburden himself and the right to now dictate the terms on which you do / do not remain together - he felt he had the right to all those things more than you had/have the right to an equal say in them.

He feels he deserves to do what he wants more than you deserve to do what you want.

He feels his wants and needs should take priority over your wants and needs and the family unit's wants and needs.

His entitlement is staggering especially as he's now turned this around so much HE is negotiating with YOU as to what YOU can do to keep him?! Go out together more etc.

Astonishing entitlement and I'm so sorry he's such a bellend, you sound really understanding and lovely. Don't let him take advantage of your kindness. He did a shitty thing and it was shitty of him to unburden himself and then he went mega shitty with his more recent comments.

He won't even commit to stopping drinking to save a marriage in which he has cheated, because he'll "miss out on" nights out with his mates if he can't get pissed.

You sound better than him OP. That sounds simplistic but he isn't a nice person deep down, is he?

I thought he was . Thanks for putting it like that I get it - I've been so busy with kids and work it's like he's had this separate life going on and I haven't noticed

It's been a bit of 'pick your battles' and I've been too tired to challenge him on things that looking back I should have

I'm going to bed - work tomorrow and going to try and have a day off all of this - honestly though thank you to all of you it's helped massively x

@sal1223

I'm going to bed - work tomorrow and going to try and have a day off all of this - honestly though thank you to all of you it's helped massively x

You really do sound like a genuinely nice and patient person. Don't let anyone him weaponise that by making you second guess yourself

It does seem now as though he has orchestrated this situation so that you're contemplating your relationship and he can raise his gripes. Maybe this is why he has brought it up 3 years later? I hate to say it, and I don't mean this to hurt you, but maybe he wants out and he knows that by telling you he was unfaithful 3 years ago, you will have to make the decision now and he doesn't have to be the one who leaves. If that's the case he is spineless. His behaviour is abhorrent. And I don't just mean the cheating.

I really don't think there is any more to say. He's shown you who he is. Believe him. He will never put you or the kids first, he's made that perfectly clear. He's a disgusting selfish excuse of a man & father. The only decent thing he can do now is to FUCK OFF & leave you to pick up the pieces of your family life that he shattered. You & the DC will be much better off without him.

I’ve been watching this a few days and feeling for you OP.

My ex gave me an ultimatum about living abroad with him after I’d just found out he’d been messaging a 20 year old inappropriately and smoking weed in the back garden for 18 months behind my back. We had two young children, one a one year old, and he said he would be going with or without me and that it had got to this stage as I wasn’t doing enough in the house and not giving him enough physical affection ( I had been incredibly unwell with my pregnancy, had PND , just back at work and our eldest had been in and out of hospital for the past 9 months too)

I was terrified of staying alone and he blamed me when I decided to for breaking up the family and supposedly ruining our children’s future .

He left and went to other side of the world and got someone else pregnant after 6 months. Me and children are happier than ever and doing well- is so much easier as a family of 3- physically harder some days and hard in different ways but I’d choose this any day over being dictated to like that and blamed for everything . The children have a happy functioning mother again and less tension in the home . I didn’t realise how bad it had gotten til he was gone

I made myself sick with anxiety trying to decide what to do and took about 3 months to decide and it was torture. I didn’t sleep or eat and was a ghost . I was being sick in the mornings and waking up not breathing as was holding my breath.

Counselling really helped.. both marriage and individual. I felt guilty for over a year but I facilitate contact as best I can between them and he could always come back.. he’s actually just signed up to stay another two years though

He sounds like a bellend and I’d listen to C0ral .