To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

Thing is I was like this - I can handle my drink. It’s SO easy to get drunk though especially at work socials. Someone buys a round, you get pressured. You were fine then got tipped over by that shot someone bought or whatever. It’s easy to feel fine and the next drink you’re drunk. What will he do limit himself to 2 drinks max? I can’t see that happening, he won’t want to ‘miss out’ if the drinking continues around him. What about the drugs? Alcohol of any amount lowers your inhibitions and your ability to say no.

I would just stop talking to him and take action op

Sal, the more you say, the more I am thinking that him initially telling you was for the easy out. Perhaps if he gets this, then the full blow of what he has done will hit him.

if it were me, I just could not continue this 'negotiation' for much longer.

He is messing with your head and it is concerning. Wtf he now calling the shots to what you must and must not be doing....

You seem so very sensible and level headed and a great mum. But this is just blow after blow after blow.

Have you put any more thought into him offing somewhere for a while?

It sounds to me that he is emotionally abusing you at this point. I think he is resentful that you haven't thrown him out.

There is more goal post moving going on than regret and contrition. Is he so wrapped up in himself he can't see this from your pov at all. He's either blind to the enormity of what he's done or doesn't care enough to pause and weigh up for a moment that it's been a matter of days since he took a Wrecking Ball to your peace of mind / future / life. He's on a page all of his own and it seems he doesn't even want to read yours, never mind get on it.

I think I could move on with some changes. The drinking has to stop. Also if you are going to forgive him don't use it to beat him when something goes wrong.
I think there is life after an infidelity but it's really hard. Don't take any rushed decisions and let it sink in. You can make up your mind more clearly.
You shouldn't care what others would do. This is your life.

YANBU

I honestly don't know what to say to him now - any suggestions?

Fuck off?

Oh excellent - so now, having accepted nothing, given nothing and done nothing except pile pain upon you, it's somehow you who's got to behave better?
And in return for wifey getting back in her box he won't get paralytic (but merely plastered presumably doesn't count) and won't shag anyone else (but a one-off won't count either because she "meant nothing to him")?

There is indeed a place for counselling and moving forward together if both parties are committed to it, but yet again it's just about what he wants and he'll go right on manipulating to get it

Hang on to your self respect, Sal, talk it over thoroughly with your own counsellor and go from there. I believe you already know the way this is going to go, but you might as well get your head as clear as possible while doing it

@sal1223

I honestly don't know what to say to him now - any suggestions?

You’ve been at it for five days now. You must both be exhausted. Maybe it’s time to stop saying anything to him and let things settle until you have your counselling on Friday.

Op you are flogging a dead horse, take control and do what you need now.

"We can work on the problems in our marriage only after you have addressed what you have done"

He is trying to conflate the two things

1. He shows true remorse and action for future
2. You accept to continue relationship (or not)
3. Work on relationship

They are very different things - spell it out to him

I was firmly on the side of give it another chance, previously. Don't think I'm siding with him now after all the crap he's spouting.

He's determined to get off with no consequences at all. Thing is, if he's adamant that he won't give up the drink and these social work events, could you ever trust him to go to these again? Or would you constantly have that feeling in the pit of your stomach that he might be balls deep in another woman until he comes home? I don't think I could get past it, personally.

It's alright for him to highlight aspects of a relationship that he feels you can both work on, it's another thing to push all the responsibility onto you. This isn't how it should be working.

@BIWI

Fuck off?

THIS. With bells on.

OP, there is simply no way for you to trust him again. I know you mentioned that you don't want your kids to grow up in a broken home, but I honestly believe growing up in a home with a wanker for a dad and a mum who is trying to moderate her behaviour in case he strays/gets plastered again will be more harmful for them.

I realize its easy to get swept up in the moment here OP, especially when there is a fairly unanimous sentiment of LTB, but you deserve so much more than this prick you are married to can or will give you.

@sal1223

When we come out of lockdown ie in the future .

I wasn't going to but have tried talking with him tonight - wish I hadn't . He is calling my bluff it feels and says he'll move out but prob won't see he kids very often because he'll need a second job at weekends to pay for everything - maybe he'll move to a different country . I know what he's doing you don't need to tell me , he wants me to feel sorry for him and beg him to stay . I'm not , I'm still feeling desperately sad but him being like this is making it easier to see a future apart

So he works at weekends, or moves country. That’s HIS choice. Although your kids are your priority, obviously, it’s about you too. If he decides to move country or work at weekends to punish the kids, that’s HIS choice. You don’t have to sacrifice your happiness to make up for his choices. The very fact he’s implying YOUR choices will cause them detriment shows how weak he is. You deserve better than this loser. Once he has lied to you, each time it gets easier.

that’s all he wants is to be normal and enjoy our lives together and be there for our children and watch them grow up

Well, yes - that probably would be nice, but he had the chance at that and he drank too much, treated you like shit and fucked someone else, so that's off the table now.

It sounds like he will say anything to distract you from how shittily he has behaved, but essentially he's telling you that he wants to carry on exactly as before, but now he wants you to put in more effort to entertaining him and providing him with sex when he fancies it.

Has he actually agreed to make any changes himself, beyond the charming He said he will never get paralytic again or fuck anyone again? Because honestly, I expect that (and more!) of my husband and he's not trying to prove to me that he deserves my forgiveness - that's just basic level being in a relationship.

@bigbird1969

To be honest who cares whether if he goes tee total or not. He cheated, he was initially remorseful and now he is getting eggy and pissed off. You need to decide what you want. End of, not sure about the STI check given it was a few years ago, I would assume you have had a smear and any STI would have been picked up during that.

That's not what smear tests check for. Some STIs are symptomless and can lie dormant also, so passage of time is irrelevant.

I'd even consider the possibility that the OW could have found out she had an STI, called her previous partner (ie him) and that could be why he has come clean. It seems unlikely in this case but it's not out of the question.

I'm going to tell him that he's said his piece now , he wants me to trust him and take his word for it. I am not making any decisions until I've spoken to a professional that gives me an objective view because right now I don't know if I want to stay married to him - he betrayed me and lied to me . And has since offered no solution

Whilst I don't disagree that he needs to be making massive efforts to prove himself, show that he is remorseful and wants to make the relationship work, this does not mean that he is confined to work and home for the rest of his life. You either trust him or you don't. I know that sounds harsh but it really is the bottom line.

It doesn't sound like he deserves to be forgiven tbh but only you can make that decision.

Now, the alcohol use is clearly an issue and if you feel that to stay together, you need him not to be drinking then that's your red line. But it's almost a separate issue because that's not why he cheated on you.

OP isn't asking him to never go out again, she's asking him to stop drinking.

He said he will never get paralytic again or fuck anyone again but wants to be able to enjoy the social side of life with me, his friends and work, that’s all he wants is to be normal and enjoy our lives together and be there for our children and watch them grow up

He wants all that without doing anything to show you he is worthy of your trust, after he broke it and lied to you for 3 years.

He wants you to take the massive leap to believe he won't repeat the behaviour, after having given up nothing and changed nothing. He wants his life to be unchanged after he's smashed what you thought your marriage was.

OP don't put too much weight on this one appointment with a therapist. You may not click with them. Even if you do, they won't have a magic solution at the end of one session (or ever, really, that's not how therapy works).

Give yourself space and time to process, and at least a few therapy sessions before you decide if it's helpful.

There could be value in having him move out temporarily so you can be with your own thoughts without his constant noise in the background.

If you do let him stay, consider removing all benefits of being married. No cooking, laundry, appointment scheduling, whatever it is you do to make his life function smoothly. His actions should have some consequences.

Good luck, I hope the therapy brings you some comfort and clarity.

@doubleleopardy

Whilst I don't disagree that he needs to be making massive efforts to prove himself, show that he is remorseful and wants to make the relationship work, this does not mean that he is confined to work and home for the rest of his life. You either trust him or you don't. I know that sounds harsh but it really is the bottom line.

It doesn't sound like he deserves to be forgiven tbh but only you can make that decision.

Now, the alcohol use is clearly an issue and if you feel that to stay together, you need him not to be drinking then that's your red line. But it's almost a separate issue because that's not why he cheated on you.

Yea it won't work unless he wants to do it , if he wants to stop going out drinking - I haven't said he can't have a social life but for him the two are hand in hand .

The drinking does play a part in why he cheated I think - amongst other things . I don't really know WHY he cheated - there are lots of factors it's so complex - he wasn't happy , hadn't tried to work in our marriage , got swept up in the party life , liked the ego boost he got from this woman and slept with her to feel wanted / get laid ? Had no respect for me , maybe no live for me and his life with the kids ? I don't know

Why was there nothing holding him back? They kissed and it could have stopped there