To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

Blindly, earlier on in your thread I thought maybe you could get passed this as he seemed remorseful but it would obviously have to be after a huge shift in him and his behaviour but since your recent updates, I'm fuming on your behalf!!!!

So basically, he fucked someone else, lied to you every day for three years and now he feels better that he's unburdened himself but destroyed your life and he can't even agree to your one condition that he gives up drinking????!!!!!

On top of that, he is hugely trying to manipulate you!

I don't often say this because I know it's easier said than done to separate but bloody hell, kick his sorry out of the door!!!!

He's an absolute prick and he deserves everything he gets.

*blimey

I'm still in shock this morning - even more so now he was so ridiculous last night

And now he's threatening to move to another country, thus putting national borders and presumably oceans between him and his children...and, I guess, the CMS.

He is so horrible. He's set up a grenade, lobbed it into everyone's lives and is making himself the dramatic hero in it all, with you the antagonist (!!). There are dignified and respectful ways to exit if you want to but he hasn't got the decency or the courage.

He is so manipulative! When I started reading the thread I thought that you could perhaps work through it, but the more I’ve read the more shocked I am. I know you are worried about breaking your family but you aren’t - he is! This is all him - his actions and subsequent decisions are making it Impossible for you to be together and then he is trying to make you the bad guy. I never ever say this but I don’t see how you can stay together as he is valuing his drinking and himself more than his family.

He's asked me what I'm going to do before he left and I said I don't know but it's not looking good based not only on what he's done but also on his behaviour and the things he's said since . He doesn't think he'll realistically not go out for a drink in the future - there are lots of events with his work and he's basically said he'd have to 'miss out'

And drinking soft drinks is impossible?

And he'd rather sacrifice the relationship than not have a beer?

I mean, on the one hand, it's good he's not making promises he knows he won't keep.

But on the other, he's either relying completely on you not insisting he makes any changes that cost him anything and just swallow what he's done, or he's picking alcohol over you and family life.

@bigbird1969

, I would assume you have had a smear and any STI would have been picked up during that.

What on earth

Please tell me you are a man? Surely no woman has suck a lack of knowledge here?

But missing out on family life is fine?

Loads of people go out without drinking. Pregnant women, practising Muslims, teetotal people. If you're going to blame the booze for cheating on your wife, it's not too much to ask that you stop doing it.

Is there an addiction here? That's a very serious issue and I don't pretend to be an expert, but it would very much inform what you have to do. The very first step to change, recognising the problem and truly wanting to do something about it, isn't there at all.

I think it's dramatics to manipulate the situation

You might not think so yourself in the middle of this horrible pain, but actually you're doing incredibly well here to recognise this for what it is

Of course you want the whole thing to have never happened and to avoid splitting your family, but so far you've done exactly the right thing - asking the right questions, giving him the opportunity to initiate action himself, sourcing the counsellor, and now starting to acknowledge that it's simply not working

I honestly believe you'll get a lot out of Friday, though counselling's a a journey rather than a quick trip, but do be aware that if he realises time's up you're likely to see yet more manipulation, with pointless promises that he really has seen the light

Like everyone else I wish you only the very best with it - and remember we're all here for you when you need us

Sal, I am so very sorry he is doing this to you.

If you think back, has he been manipulative in the past, without you realizing it? Because he is without a doubt being very manipulative now.

Perhaps read the thread as i already responded to a comment about that already and hadnt considered HIV etc extentioncord

At least he's making it easy for you - if he were still wringing his hands and telling you how awful he felt and how he couldn't expect you to forgive him, you could be forgiven for feeling torn and conflicted.

The fact that he is now dicking about with all this bullshit about how if you don't let him carry on acting the bellend, he'll fuck off and leave the kids must be making you feel much better about getting rid! How on earth could you ever pursue a relationship with him now that he's revealed that he has no qualms about using your children to manipulate you? Someone who can be so casual about their relationship with their kids = the ultimate 'ick'!

@sal1223

He's asked me what I'm going to do before he left and I said I don't know but it's not looking good based not only on what he's done but also on his behaviour and the things he's said since . He doesn't think he'll realistically not go out for a drink in the future - there are lots of events with his work and he's basically said he'd have to 'miss out'

But he’d rather miss out on his family? His priorities are acting like a single guy in his 20s. He won’t change because this is him at his most sorrowful ( or should be) in the aftermath of the cheating revelation. He should be willing to do anything you need to get through this right now. He’s used - potential suicide, the OW, your lack of sex life and now his kids to get out of any responsibility and to place that responsibility burden on others. If he can’t take responsibility and own his actions and his future actions at this critical point - then he needs to go. He’s fake and manipulative, crying one minute and guilt wracked and the next trying to hurt and blame you. Your life will be too hard living with someone you can’t trust

Also it’s absolutely possible to give up drink and go to work socials. It takes strength of character not to be a sheep though. I don’t think he is showing any strength of character and that’s why he also cheated.

Ok now he's trying to negotiate - he'll stop going out drinking if I make more time for him and put the effort in too

If I start listening to him when it comes to stuff about the kids - if I start doing more fun stuff with him like getting mum to babysit and go out together etc
The way I'm feeling now is that if he doesn't want to make changes to him, if he doesn't want to stop going out in these big nights with the lads after all this then I'm not going to want to be with him . If he doesn't address and try and change his fundamental selfish flaws - or doesn't want to then we'll never be happy. I don't want to have to tell him what to do , I want him to want to do it

@sal1223

Ok now he's trying to negotiate - he'll stop going out drinking if I make more time for him and put the effort in too

That's nice of him.

If you want to work through this, there are conversations to be had about how you can do it together, but he hasn't given any indication that he thinks of this as a team effort in which he needs to prove his commitment.

Basically he wants to carry on life as it was pre-children?.

It’s all a moot point if you’ve broken your marriage vows.

Ah, so he’s now laying down the conditions for him staying after he cheated on you. Nice.

YOU have to arrange babysitting.
YOU have to pay more attention to him and what he wants and his needs.
YOU have to put him first before the kids.
YOU have to be more fun.
YOU have to put up with him partying and neglecting you and his children.
YOU have to provide him with more sex how and when he wants it.

Otherwise - what? He will leave and never see the kids again? Or he will shag another colleague ?

Gosh how quickly it’s turned from him being suicidal with guilt and willing to do anything to save his marriage.

Part of me wonders if this is why he decided to tell you about his affair. Because I never bought the suicidal story for one minute.

Maybe this was his plan all along - to use this as leverage to stop you calling him out on his substance misuse and neglect of his responsibilities?

“ My cheating is a sign of how crap our marriage is so we need to work on things together. By which I mean you’d better shape up or Ill have to cheat again. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Totally agree with Coral. This isn’t negotiation time. You don’t have to do anything because you stuck to your vows. He’s broken his and he needs to look at himself and his terrible behaviour and fix that going forward. Again and again the blame lies with others.
So what happens if one week he doesn’t think you’ve kept your side of the agreement ? You didn’t feel up to a date night? He can cheat then or drink then because you can be blamed for breaking the ‘agreement’
Please op tell him to do one. I think he needs to move out because he might realise something then - at the moment it seems the penny isn’t dropping at all and it’s not working. I know that puts the responsibility of children onto you but I would rather that then hear such nonsense, which would mentally stress me out. He can still take the children out to give you a break, when he’s not working.

He told you about this either to get you to chuck him out while he plays the whipped puppy and you're the bad guy, or to use it as leverage to get you to "put the effort in".

Either way, I really don't like him.

@sal1223 is his name Mimi? So far it’s all been about him and only him!

Has he actually suggested anything at all that HE is prepared to do to fix things? Counselling? Giving up drink, drugs and nights out? Changing jobs? Spending more time with his children to make life easier for you? Reading a self help book? Joining an alcohol online support group?
He’s manipulative, nasty, selfish and a liar.

Your children will be fine if you split up, because they have you and hopefully he will decide to be a decent father by having regular contact etc. If he does choose to move away or not see the kids etc you know that you can and will cope. Don’t let being scared to be alone stop you from moving on from him.

He said he will never get paralytic again or fuck anyone again but wants to be able to enjoy the social side of life with me, his friends and work, that’s all he wants is to be normal and enjoy our lives together and be there for our children and watch them grow up