To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

I would assume you have had a smear and any STI would have been picked up during that

I'm pretty sure it's HPV which smears pick up, not HIV (or any other STIs come to that)

Possibly the nurse could be asked to do the screen at the same time, but OP said she didn't want this known - which is why the hospital was suggested instead

THe more updates I read the more I am certain this is his cowardly way of leaving without being the one to end the marriage.

First he told you something that he didnt need to tell you knowing it could end your marriage. Then when you didnt chuck him out straight away he started being insulting and blaming you in an effort to provoke you further. When that didnt work he said he would do anything to save your marriage but refused to do the one thing you said you would need to move on, therefore pushing you again to end the marriage.

He is a coward and I am more and more convinced that an OW will crawl out of the woodwork even if it isnt the one he cheated with. I have seen this so many time both IRL and and on MN. They havent got the guts to do it so they treat the wife like shit until she becomes the bad guy for him.

I know where he stands with what I’ve suggested now - I will speak to counsellor Friday morning and see if that helps me make my mind up. I can tell her everything he’s said about how unhappy he’d be not ever going out with the lads again. The way I’m feeling right now though is that us getting back together is never going to work . He says he’ll never go off the rails again - he’s not keeping a secret anymore and doesn’t need to escape from himself - I said you drank too much before all of this and he’s like yes I know and I’ve addressed it and got past it - he totally believes in himself and wants me to trust and believe him too which is pretty unlikely . So for now I’m going to avoid taking to him I know all I need to know and wait til Friday to speak to a professional x

I forgot to mention the latest conversation where he said if there's a big party planned or night out then he'll want to go - and will go because he knows he won't get smashed , he knows he can be responsible and never wants to get blotto again . I said that you're expecting us just to carry on like this hasn't happened with no consequences and no change - and I don't think I can . You're asking me to trust you and believe you after you've just lied for al this time . I don’t need to give him another chance after what he's done to me , I’ve given him an option that I would consider and he's shown me now that going out drinking with his mates means more to him .

To summarise , he thinks he'd be more unhappy not going out in the piss with his mates than not living with our children . That’s all I needed to know

He wants to enjoy the rest of his life and he knows that not going out for a drink and socialising will make him unhappy and feel under the thumb .

he thinks he'd be more unhappy not going out in the piss with his mates than not living with our children.

This is so horrible.

Honestly get rid. When he goes out you will be so paranoid and frustrated

Puzzledandpissedoff very true in regards to the smear..i hadnt considered those

Lots of people socialise and don’t drink alcohol. They still enjoy life.

It’s sad to see where his priorities lie.

Where are you that there are no restrictions on these ''lads' night out'' ? No lock down where you are - New Zealand?

@tara66

Who cares where she is? Why bring lockdown into this? OP is facing a huge crisis in her marriage- some things are bigger than bloody lockdown.

She is clearly talking about future nights out.

@tara66

Where are you that there are no restrictions on these ''lads' night out'' ? No lock down where you are - New Zealand?

You do know the pubs are going to reopen at some point? 🙄

To summarise , he thinks he'd be more unhappy not going out in the piss with his mates than not living with our children . That’s all I needed to know

I'm so sorry that he is not the man you thought he was. And not just that, he's a selfish arsehole who is only thinking of himself and leaving you to pick up the pieces, Your kids are lucky to have one parent who puts them first, though - you'll get through it together and be stronger for it.

When we come out of lockdown ie in the future .

I wasn't going to but have tried talking with him tonight - wish I hadn't . He is calling my bluff it feels and says he'll move out but prob won't see he kids very often because he'll need a second job at weekends to pay for everything - maybe he'll move to a different country . I know what he's doing you don't need to tell me , he wants me to feel sorry for him and beg him to stay . I'm not , I'm still feeling desperately sad but him being like this is making it easier to see a future apart

Really sorry to hear this. It sounds like he's checked out emotionally. 😔

I think it's dramatics to manipulate the situation -

He is so manipulative!! I'm so sorry. He doesn't want to have any consequences and clearly thinks you should get over it and keep this secret for him of his mistake as well as the secret of how badly he's hurt you.

It’s still all about him, isn’t it? There’s not one iota of true contrition here. Not one scintilla of a suggestion that he is to blame, or that he is doing anything to make amends. I feel he is being very dishonest and manipulative.

I hope the Friday counselling session really helps you, OP.

Thanks me too x

I’m so sorry he’s not the man you thought he was, you deserve so much better.
Good luck for Friday.

So he was blind drunk but managed to get it up AND use a condom. He's full of shit

I think your DH is gaslighting you and is a totally immature child of a man. I'm really sorry. I say boot him out. Honestly he's headed that way anyway and you shouldn't have to put up with so much crap.

I’m so sorry he’s being like this💐

Oh love. I feel heartsore for you. I have read the full thread and in the beginning I thought you should stay and work it out, I was wrong. This man is manipulating you and it's so very obvious. Either he wants out and wants you to be the "bad guy" or he just wanted to unburden himself.
He's already using darvo and my strongest advice is not to believe a word he says.
He's shown his true colours.ltb

I'm glad you've told people in real life - it's so hard because it makes it so more real and any decision you make, you are far more likely to stick to it. I hope your Friday session brings you some clarity.