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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To even consider giving husband second chance

999 replies

sal1223 · 19/02/2021 19:48

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

OP posts:

isthismylifenow · 23/02/2021 09:54

Sal, none of us want our children coming from a broken home.

But sometimes we need to also think what is best for us, living in tension is not healthy for anyone in the household. But that is somewhere down the line for you, I think at this point you just need to get through the day, then through the week, while you process this.

category12 · 23/02/2021 09:54

Crikey, give op a bloody break - she doesn't need guilting about that. Parents arguing isn't going to damage the children in the short term. It's unsettling, yes, but it's part of life.

Only if it turns into a long term thing and the environment becomes toxic, will it be damaging.

RealisticSketch · 23/02/2021 09:59

'I don't want my kids coming from a broken home, it will damage them and my youngest certainly won't understand where daddy has gone which will be a huge upset - I trusted him enough to have children with him and now he's done this'

This is the saddest part. The way the foundations of your whole family has been deconstructed is the cruel to all involved. The way forward is now not easy whichever way you go. He needs to show some recognition to you that he knows this. If he can't and wants to deflect all the damage and blame he will close many doors.
I can understand a person not wanting to look at what they have done full in the face, but he has to find the strength to do it or there is no way through.

You aren't going to do more damage by arguing unless that is the permanent state of affairs - don't add that guilt to your pile of emotions just now. Children aren't scarred by a spell of arguing. Lifelong parents at war, yes but not in the short term.
I'm sure you can have a chat with them.

Garlicinyoursoul · 23/02/2021 10:01

He’s not sorry for his behaviour, is shaming her for wanting an STI check and is turning this around on her with some venom, it is toxic.

Sonicbloom · 23/02/2021 10:01

But they weren’t friends - they had slept together! What was he talking to her about ? How much he wished he hadn’t slept with her ? That’s nice, more selfishness. Why did it take several calls. All strange.
So again - what action is he taking? Drinking, drugs, changing jobs if he must, not going on work nights out, counselling, std clinic. What is he actually doing?
I would rather leave a marriage then have an atmosphere around kids. Unless you can truly forgive and move on at some point. Obviously, you don’t know that yet.

Original poster

sal1223 · 23/02/2021 10:17

I e done nothing but hound him really since Thursday night when he told me - asking questions / venting / shouting . I need to be quiet now and gather my thoughts before I speak to therapist Friday . Thanks all for your help x

OP posts:

Jocasta2018 · 23/02/2021 10:18

He's emotionally blackmailing you in saying he's suicidal. In my experience, the suicides just do it, they don't make a huge song & dance beforehand.
As for the rest? If it was only a ONS then he's been a selfish sod handing the burden of guilt to you.
I'm cynical & wonder what else has happened particularly as his behaviour has changed over the last 3 years.
Whatever you decide, his wishes don't count in your decision.

isthismylifenow · 23/02/2021 10:38

@sal1223

I hope it goes well on Friday OP.

I can understand if you need a bit of space from here as there is a huge amount to read/digest. Just do what is right for you now.

Please take care and we are here if you need to offload.

Kit19 · 23/02/2021 10:41

I'd say the one thing he absolutely must commit to is to stop phoning/messaging his shag partner and talking to her about all of this. Its completely unacceptable. Surely no contact with her has to be a basic given if he's serious about finding a way to save your marriage

Sonicbloom · 23/02/2021 10:44

Sal good luck with Friday we are all here when you want to talk again x

Welikebeingcosy · 23/02/2021 11:14

I know it's not the same but I can relate somewhat to the indecision you're feeling.

I was with someone for a lot less than 17 years but from the first week we ended up travelling together and the relationship grew as we went from country to country and so the time that we spent together felt like a very long time and very deep. At one point he confessed that he had been with someone for a night when we temporarily split for a few weeks when we were both in different countries after he had told me that there hadn't been anyone else.

I broke up with him straight away and we had to spend a few more weeks together in the place we were in until I could get home.

My anger made me treat him like complete crap and so he moved on with new people and I did regret it.

A few years later we are friends again and I have had a few partners since which didn't work out and a baby with someone else.

I don't regret how it ended up because of the experiences I've had since and how much I love my daughter but I do regret my anger and not giving him a chance whilst I healed from the bretrayal.

At the same time I don't know if he would have just done it again had I stayed with him and also what I always remind myself of is that I would never do that to someone so how could I trust someone that could do that to me.

SanFranBear · 23/02/2021 11:34

I can understand if you need a bit of space from here as there is a huge amount to read/digest. Just do what is right for you now

This is really sensible advice - best of luck, OP. I hope you're able to find some peace (and some sleep) over the next few days.

GabsAlot · 23/02/2021 11:41

what a gaslighting prick-true colours shown now

hope youre ok

Original poster

sal1223 · 23/02/2021 15:52

He thinks me asking him to go tee-total is unrealistic. He says he would go for a couple after work or a Sunday afternoon and be fine .
I don't think that's gonna work for me

OP posts:

Sonicbloom · 23/02/2021 16:18

It has to come from him. If you argue with him to make him do it he’ll just break your trust by drinking at some point. I would have given up with him by now. He would not be around me. He is too me me me I’m afraid

MotherofTerriers · 23/02/2021 16:24

Well him being prepared to do anything to keep you and your family together didn't last long did it?
I couldn't stay with him after this OP, and for your relationship to stand any chance at all he would have to put a huge amount of effort in to win your trust again. Looks like he has just dumped this on you and intends to go back to business as usual. It almost sounds as if he wants you to end it.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 23/02/2021 16:39

@sal1223

He thinks me asking him to go tee-total is unrealistic. He says he would go for a couple after work or a Sunday afternoon and be fine . I don't think that's gonna work for me

If it's just a couple, why bother at all? How is the idea of a couple of drinks after work worth more than his marriage? I'm so sorry OP. I really am.

BoyTree · 23/02/2021 17:11

So on Thursday, he was suicidal with guilt and prepared to do risk his marriage to be honest with you because he couldn't live with himself any more.

On Saturday morning, he wants to live a better life and be a better man but we'd have to work at this as a team to save this marriage, but by the evening, he's already pushing responsibility onto you for your lack of interest in him sexually at a time when he was ALREADY TREATING YOU APPALLINGLY by sodding off and drinking whenever he felt like it.

And by Tuesday, he won't even pretend that he's considering giving up a couple of drinks after work or a pint on a Sunday for your marriage.

It's so sad to see his true colours coming out through your posts and I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all this.

RealisticSketch · 23/02/2021 17:17

I can see how someone who doesn't consider themselves to have a drink problem and is in a poor state of mind themselves might think it unlikely they would succeed quitting drinking. So I think what he's saying depends on if he is being realistic and trying not to make promises he can't keep our of he just isn't wanting to put himself out in any way to keep his marriage. Those are not the same thing.
We here can't know how his attitude is coming across. We can speculate his motives but you are the person looking him in the eye. Don't rush. Whatever decision you make you will probably go over time and again in your mind. You need to be very certain of your next step so you don't drive yourself mad with what ifs. It's a lot easier to comfort your children over living away from day if you hand on heart know you made the right choice. Counselling will help and if you go your seperate ways will probably help you to do that more amicably.

category12 · 23/02/2021 17:28

@sal1223

He thinks me asking him to go tee-total is unrealistic. He says he would go for a couple after work or a Sunday afternoon and be fine . I don't think that's gonna work for me

Well it is, in that he's completely against doing it, and would resent it and almost certainly backslide on it as soon as an excuse offered. Which means 3 months down the line, six months down the line, you'll be deciding whether him staying out for a pint is reason to end your marriage. Or worse, suspecting you smell alcohol on his breath and him lying barefacedly about it, and deciding whether that's the reason you end your marriage.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 23/02/2021 17:30

@sal1223

He thinks me asking him to go tee-total is unrealistic. He says he would go for a couple after work or a Sunday afternoon and be fine . I don't think that's gonna work for me

He would do anything for love, but he won't do that?

Dumakey · 23/02/2021 17:52

He is just playing you. He's not suicidal, I doubt he ever was. I agree with PP who feel that he told you hoping you would end it.
You are wasting your time with him and the longer you drag your heels the longer you'll postpone working through and dealing with the pain of a separation.

nanbread · 23/02/2021 19:22

@sal1223

So in less than a week he's gone from nearly killing himself with the guilt to shouting at you for not being over it already?

Sadly I think you are seeing him for who he is OP. And that's not a very nice person.

The reason it was eating him up inside was all about HIM and HIS feelings, not about the pain he'd caused (or cause by telling) you.

bigbird1969 · 23/02/2021 19:23

To be honest who cares whether if he goes tee total or not. He cheated, he was initially remorseful and now he is getting eggy and pissed off. You need to decide what you want. End of, not sure about the STI check given it was a few years ago, I would assume you have had a smear and any STI would have been picked up during that.

nanbread · 23/02/2021 19:25

I'm usually for giving things a second chance where kids are involved, but his initial refusal to even TRY going teetotal tells you everything you need to know - you and your relationship is not his priority.

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