To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

My dh has had heart problems since July 2019. I haven’t gone out, got off my tits on booze and class A drugs with a colleague and shagged them.

Because I love my husband.

I'm so sorry op. This is classic davro from your h. If he was unhappy in the marriage he could have addressed that with you. Not sought solace in drugs drink and balls deep in tiger women ffs.
It's your fault becaise you weren't having Sex and it's your fault he had sex with other women. Your responsible for his actions and your responsible for your own actions then. Where does his responsibility lie?
I'd be looking to get him out for a while, at least until you've processed. I'll be honest I couldn't forgive. Not just the initial betrayal but the long term behaviour, the ongoing deceit, the only reason he told you was to comfort himself, and let's be honest he waited long enough that he though it was guaranteed you'd forgive because of the time elapsed and his bleats and threats of suicide. When you haven't reacted as he expected (he wanted you upset but also comforting him - because he's upset too )

[quote Sonicbloom]@SunshineCake People don’t generally like being called pathetic or seeing anyone picked on on a thread. That’s not being fragile. Bye bye 👋

Op I’m really sorry to hear this. I would have thought he would have at least tried. You haven’t asked him to do anything else yet and he’s fallen at the first hurdle. What did you say to him when he said that and what are you thinking now?[/quote]
I wasn't picking on you. Don't be silly.

@mrurddhasabitpart what does davro mean?

DARVO

Deny
Attack
Reverse
Victim and
Offender.

Ultimately its gaslighting to the point where you (and he) end up blaming yourself for the fact that he is a lying cheating shit.

Basically....

"I didnt do it......well ok yes I did do it but if you had been the wife you should be then I wouldnt have done it......... you just never wanted me, you make me feel like you dont love me, if I thought that you loved me I wouldnt feel so low and unwanted, I only went with her because she made me feel attractive like you dont...if you can prove you love me and want me then maybe I will stay...."

What a lying prick. So sorry OP. Its nothing to do with you, its him, but he has to turn it around to blame you regardless. Its just what they do. Be prepared for him to turn really nasty now & even involve the DC sadly. I hope I'm wrong about that bit in your case though.

This is exactly what he is doing tonight - always 2 sides to the story , if things were so great with me why would he go and fuck someone else 🧐 things weren't great with me because he's selfish and was doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted knowing I was tied to the kids

And as I said in my original post - I thought we had a happy life , every marriage has his and downs and that particular time was a down , things weren't great and I wasn't feeling loved !

That’s just it, he took his opportunity and almost sort of gauged how suspicious you’d be by dropping her into conversation beforehand.

It was likely being led up to with all the texts and calls they exchanged, it definitely doesn’t sound like just a ‘I’m off my face, let’s fuck for no reason’ sort of thing.
Did he do much calling/texting with her after the night in question?

He's also really angry I've been sharing what's happened on here 😬

He phoned her several times after to talk about how he wasnt coping - he said he was racked with guilt and had no one else to talk to because No one else knew what he'd done - he says he told her it was a mistake as he loves his wife 'she understood' apparently

Having read through your posts I was actually feeling a little bit sympathetic towards him until he said ‘he wasn’t getting any at home’, and now he’s told you to tell everyone you weren’t being intimate! You absolutely do not have to explain/justify why it wasn’t happening! I would not be intimate with someone if I knew they were capable of this. It is completely repugnant if that is his excuse or reasoning for this! I felt sympathy initially because he seemed to take full responsibility and genuinely feel remorse but now he is trying to defend his actions which is indefensible and completely alters any sympathy.
As for moving forward. If it isn’t going to work out then I would focus on salvaging communication for co-parenting. You don’t need to forgive and you don’t need to forget but breakdowns in communication cause so many issues.

Angry that you've anonymously shared it? Because you've shared it and because he's unhappy with the response? The support? Because it stopped you responding the way he wanted? You are 100% anonymous. There is almost no chance of him being recognised- whereas fucking a colleague in the office party...... other could have told, you know, in real life.

He can't be identified because his pathetic actions are so so very predictable. Sadly many women come before you. Men like this are creatures of habit and we have all predicted how he would behave. He has literally followed suit to how all of these pathetic men act. It doesn't take long when reading a womens forum to recognise that they all behave the same way- the shit ones anyway. He's a shit one.

Like you’d call the person you shagged who wants you to leave your wife, to talk about how guilty you feel about cheating on your wife, what a load of crap.

What’s he really arsed about? The fact that you’re anonymously sharing looking for support, or the fact that we all pretty much think he’s a gaslighting C U Next Tuesday?

And now he's upset I've booked a std test at the local doctors , because they'll all know now and I was the one who said I didn't want people knowing

Only the surgery will know, it's confidential.

Why is he happy to sleep with someone, unburden himself with the secret, and not have anyone else know? He doesn't get to decide that.

I know but he said in house they'll all know and we know people that work there 🥺 I sort of wish I hadn't now

And again there's no sympathy for you and how you're feeling, only embarrassed about himself and his reputation. It's not like this is a picnic for you either. You are protecting yourself, because he sure isn't. You have nothing to feel badly about. Don't let him manipulate you into feeling bad or guilty. It's all on him.

@sal1223

I know but he said in house they'll all know and we know people that work there 🥺 I sort of wish I hadn't now

Perfect example of DARVO.

Suddenly he is the victim of you and your horrible behaviour. Neatly glossing over the fact that if he hadnt cheated on you then you wouldnt need this test and that it is not a pleasant thing for you either.

He doesnt care about what he did, he cares about himself and only himself.

I am sorry but I agree that he wants you to dump him and is being a fucking arsehole because you didnt immediately do that. He needs you to chuck him out so he can walk away guilt free. Except that as soon as you tell someone WHY you chucked him out it will all change. So I would ask him to leave and tell anyone who asks why you did it.

I'm going to cancel it and get him to get tested

@sal1223

I'm going to cancel it and get him to get tested

Do you honestly think that he will, though? His reaction to you asking him to stop drinking was a flat out NO and I can't see this going any other way. And even if he said yes, do you trust him to actually do it?

He should be getting checked anyway but sounds like another thing which is just yours to shoulder.

I mean this kindly but you need to stop thinking of him and what the possible consequences might be for him. Get yourself checked for your own peace of mind.

It depends on what you want from your life. Take time to wrap your head around it and see how you feel. You don't have to make any permanent decisions right now during a pandemic. One of my relatives had cheated on their spouse and although they did not split up, they had separate bedrooms the rest of their marriage which was about 30+ years after it happened.

I think this confession has been used to engineer an exit from your marriage.

Your problem now is not necessarily that he cheated but that he appears to no longer be invested in your marriage.

I'm worried that while you are traumatised and not thinking properly he already has his ducks in a row.

Don't cancel the STD test op.

So what he doesn't like it. If he hadn't stuck his dick elsewhere you wouldn't need it.

His true colours are really showing now. He needs to stay away from you and give you space.

I'd stop telling him so much stuff to be honest. He doesn't have your best interests at heart- it's all about him.