To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

And he's upset with me wtf

Honestly if I had cheated I would certainly do anything my dh wanted me to to regain trust. How can alcohol be more important? He’s probably thinking of work socialising and not being able to explain it - but that’s a non issue in the face of losing your family. I also don’t like when you said find somewhere to live and he just said ok. He’s showing zero fight

It’s not an easy fix if he’s an alcoholic. If he is, denial is the classic response. And if he is, you’re better off without him.

Well, you came up with a solid way he could demonstrate his commitment to the relationship and to make it work and help you rebuild trust, and he's rejected it and is basically picking alcohol over you.

I don't know where you can go from that. Other than to tell him to bugger off.

Blimey, didn't take him long to show his true colours OP.

I'm not buying it, sorry. Seems to me like there's way more to this than you know. He's looking to get out and to say you ended it, in an effort to look better about it all. I'm so sorry you're going through this. But it is all 100% his fault so whatever you feel don't let it be guilt.

He's kicked off now and says I should tell everyone on here I wasn't sleeping with him , that's it's not all been him I'm part of the problem too

He was out partying all the time and coming home at all hours - I didn't want to be intimate with him

He doesn't think he has a problem with drink anymore

He has the recovery properties of Lazarus doesn't he? No more MH problems since he's "told you" and now no more alcohol problems because the solution might inconvenience him. Most likely he won't arrange counselling either, because there's "nothing wrong with him"

And yes, of course he lied when saying he'd do anything for another chance - he's deceived you for years so why would it change now?

From your whole account his only thought is for himself, so it's hardly surprising if he's irritable at this being challenged ... the only question is what you decide to do about this now

Well now you are just seeing how he really feels about it all. All the moping and apologising was completely fake and he was just trying to guilt you into letting it go. When that didn’t work, he’s now gone on the attack. What a prick. Sorry, OP.

Like telling us you weren’t sleeping with him would make us say ‘Oh well, no wonder, he should crack on and carry on racking up the numbers!’
What a self-centred waste of space. It wouldn’t shock me if it was premeditated and he’s minimising everything, you deserve so much better.
I know it’s hard @sal1223 but I think his response over one request (albeit a big one as it addresses a main issue) is telling.

Yeah me too - I'm gutted but have felt stronger today so need to keep hold of that feeling

He was out partying all the time and coming home at all hours - I didn't want to be intimate with him

A wise choice as it turns out - do you still honestly believe that all he ever had was a single one night stand?

@sal1223

He was out partying all the time and coming home at all hours - I didn't want to be intimate with him

And wasn't there some big stuff you were dealing with at the time, so sex would not exactly be high on your list? Especially with your dh going out on the piss and not supporting you at the time.

@sal1223 - You’ll have up and down days, and days where you won’t know what you feel, but as long as you’re always doing what is best for you, and by extension the children, you’ll get through this.

He is a prick though, and IMHO you’d be well rid.

I’d take a step away from mumsnet as it’s easy to get all het up when you have an army of virtual people at your back. But they won’t be there in your day to day life.

I had a life changing thing like this with my husband and I did leave but it was made even harder by the fact I had too many others opinions in my head I could no longer hear my own. I wish I’d sat with it quietly more at times but ultimately I’d have made the same choice I hope

We went to marriage counselling through relate and honestly it was best money I ever spent as made the separation and co parenting after a lot easier too so even if it doesn’t work, it works
If that makes sense

All the moping and apologising was completely fake and he was just trying to guilt you into letting it go. When that didn’t work, he’s now gone on the attack

Yep, "the script" raises its ugly head yet again

How depressingly predictable ...

@FlapAttack23 not a bad shout but you know what the writing is really on the wall here , I'm not being influenced I can see what he's doing .
What's 'the script' ? @Puzzledandpissedoff what's the next scene ?

He was out partying all the time and coming home at all hours - I didn't want to be intimate with him

Partying, drink, drugs - I doubted this is the one and only time he cheated, especially as he’s now blaming you for not ‘giving him any’.

I don’t think he’s been full of guilt all these years and wanting to jump of a bridge rather than live with it. He doesn’t seem that bothered right now. I would find it hard to believe anything he ever said. How can he get angry at you and throw it back in your face I don’t know. Shocking. I would seriously ask him where he intends to live as he was so ok with leaving. May be he needs reality of life minus his family. Just remember all this when he tries the tears again !

@sal1223

He was out partying all the time and coming home at all hours - I didn't want to be intimate with him

There is nothing worse than sleeping with them when they stink of booze - I always make DH sleep on the sofa when he's had a night out.

I feel for you. I don't think this is something I could get over or trust them again. I really don't agree with all this emotional blackmail, he should be jumping through fiery hoops to save your marriage.

I think he does need to give you some space and if that means checking into a hotel then so be it, get your mum to move in with you to help with kids.

Sending lots of strength.

@sal1223

He's kicked off now and says I should tell everyone on here I wasn't sleeping with him , that's it's not all been him I'm part of the problem too

Didn't take long, did it?

Good thread about "the script" here, Sal; there are others (and excellent articles some PPs linked) which I'll try to find

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1485686-the-hes-having-an-affair-script

Also this is really worth a read. It might help you to feel stronger. The way you are feeling is exactly how the author describes. Her husband also tried turning it round on her:
www.you.co.uk/rosie-green-i-was-prepared-to-sacrifice-anything-to-save-my-marriage/

This sounds so much like every other scenario. There really does seem to be a script. I'm so sorry, you sound so lovely.