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AIBU?

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Original poster

To even consider giving husband second chance

999 replies

sal1223 · 19/02/2021 19:48

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 22/02/2021 11:59

@sal1223

Someone said here the other day , my marriage is over, that marriage is finished / done - do I want to start a new one with the same man - well no but I may consider it if he addresses his biggest flaw and becomes teetotal
This was excellent advise and I wish I had thought about it that way.

As a few posters have said, the ball is in your court now. I know that is not always the best thing as in having to do the decision making. But if his drinking has been an issue all along, and it does seem it is a massive contributing factor, then this will be telling if he really wants to fight for you and your marriage.

Original poster
sal1223 · 22/02/2021 12:00

My friend txt me and said - it's never going to happen he will never go teetotal so I need to accept that

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 22/02/2021 12:01

@isthismylifenow yes I agree , if he really wants another chance and we mean everything to him then he'd do anything surely

OP posts:
Dee1975 · 22/02/2021 12:13

I’m sorry to hear this op. Don’t make any rash decisions. Its not black and white. He didn’t have an emotional affair. And it was a one off. However,I expect the ‘innocence’ in your relationship has been battered. Only time will tell if you can forgive. You will either forgive and be able to move on, or you will start to see him in a different light and won’t be able to move forward. But don’t make any rash descsion now. Maybe have a break / some space (when time allows). Make sure he listens to how you feel. And take it from there.

VinylDetective · 22/02/2021 12:14

[quote sal1223]@isthismylifenow yes I agree , if he really wants another chance and we mean everything to him then he'd do anything surely [/quote]
Yes, he will do anything necessary. He’ll need help and support to become sober though. If he’s really serious he’ll request support from the GP and give AA a call.

GabsAlot · 22/02/2021 12:28

Dee it wa spartly emtional though because they were working together and he was saying how funny she was etc

Sonicbloom · 22/02/2021 12:47

@sal1223 it is hard to give up especially if he uses it as a bit of an emotional crutch, which it seems he does. When I gave up my first time for 6 months - the work pressure was huge to drink, even when I said I didn’t want a drink I’d get raised eyebrows. That was a long time ago so perhaps people are more relaxed about non drinkers now ! I haven’t tested it post covid going out yet this time. I imagine it will take a lot of will power if he’s a social drinker and also uses it for anxiety etc. You don’t want it to be another thing you’re having to check up on. He has to go for it 100% and get the support. He may not identify with needing AA but support of some sort is probably required.
Have you asked him about doing it yet?

BIWI · 22/02/2021 12:51

I'd be concerned, tbh, about you asking him to become teetotal. I think, from everything you've written, that he's going to say that's too much, too unreasonable, and use that as his excuse to leave - saying that you were unreasonable.

All along, everything you've said, shouts to me that he wants you to be the bad guy - this is another thing he could use against you.

I'd be focusing on pushing things back to him. What's he going to do about things? How is he going to fight for your marriage, if that's what he wants so much? What suggestions is he going to make?

BIWI · 22/02/2021 12:51

(I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him, tbh, just think that's how he will interpret it)

category12 · 22/02/2021 13:02

I can see the ultimatum of him going teetotal becoming a major problem in the relationship. Say he agrees to it, and then backslides - what then? Are you going to end things if you think you smell alcohol on his breath? If he "just has one" at a celebration or wake, or whatnot? What if it's six months down the line, or six years? What if he complains that you ought to trust him again after x amount of time, or that you're controlling?

If he was offering to stop drinking, and it was coming from him, then great, but as you making it a condition - are you really going to stick by it when he has a sherry at Christmas and it grows again from there? Stopping drinking has to be something he wants.

Sonicbloom · 22/02/2021 13:06

Yes, I agree too - it’s got to be his decision.
Perhaps you can let him know you aren’t comfortable when he drinks and leave him to come up with the suggestion.

Original poster
sal1223 · 22/02/2021 13:23

He did mention it somewhere over the weekend that he would give up the booze but it's a bit of a haze and I can't remember what I said back to him

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 22/02/2021 13:24

@BIWI

I'd be concerned, tbh, about you asking him to become teetotal. I think, from everything you've written, that he's going to say that's too much, too unreasonable, and use that as his excuse to leave - saying that you were unreasonable.

All along, everything you've said, shouts to me that he wants you to be the bad guy - this is another thing he could use against you.

I'd be focusing on pushing things back to him. What's he going to do about things? How is he going to fight for your marriage, if that's what he wants so much? What suggestions is he going to make?

And if he does that then fine - I'll know
OP posts:
LittleGwyneth · 22/02/2021 13:53

Take some time, consider some counselling, don't force yourself to make decisions now.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/02/2021 14:11

He did mention it somewhere over the weekend that he would give up the booze

Honestly not trying to be flippant here, but he also said he was going to chuck himself off a bridge - and from his resistance to MH support it seems he didn't mean that either.
Only now even that's changed and he's apparently "willing" to accept counselling

Yet again, words are easy and it's only self driven action which actually means anything ... so let's hope he produces some

Original poster
sal1223 · 22/02/2021 18:20

Nope - saying he wouldn't consider going tee-total - he doesn't think he has a problem with drink anymore . So he lied when he said he'd do anything for me to give him another chance

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 22/02/2021 18:24

Some very fragile posters here.

Good luck OP.

category12 · 22/02/2021 18:26

@sal1223

Nope - saying he wouldn't consider going tee-total - he doesn't think he has a problem with drink anymore . So he lied when he said he'd do anything for me to give him another chance
Oh I'm sorry, OP.

What now?

Original poster
sal1223 · 22/02/2021 18:34

he's being a dick about it - I said fine look for somewhere to live then and he said ok

OP posts:
BIWI · 22/02/2021 18:35

I'm sorry Sad

Original poster
sal1223 · 22/02/2021 18:36

I also said if you hadn't been drinking you wouldn't have done what you did - I gave you an opportunity to build some bridges with me and show willing - so fuck you

OP posts:
Sonicbloom · 22/02/2021 18:38

@SunshineCake People don’t generally like being called pathetic or seeing anyone picked on on a thread. That’s not being fragile. Bye bye 👋

Op I’m really sorry to hear this. I would have thought he would have at least tried. You haven’t asked him to do anything else yet and he’s fallen at the first hurdle. What did you say to him when he said that and what are you thinking now?

Sonicbloom · 22/02/2021 18:40

Just x posted - I’m really sorry. I don’t think there’s a way back from that. How dare he now get an attitude with you, he should be on his knees begging for forgiveness and doing all he can to make it up. So tell him he can get out tomorrow- let him figure out where to go x

Original poster
sal1223 · 22/02/2021 18:43

I don't know - he has cut down massively and obviously hasn't been going out due to lock down . I thought it would be an easy fix and he's not showing willing is he

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 22/02/2021 18:47

It's almost like I'm unreasonable now 😳

OP posts:
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